|
|
Miss Not Exciting
Posts: 3279
   
Location: Ft Worth TX | I am 25 years old. My parents were officially divorced when I was around 15yo. Both are either remarried or engaged to be. I left home at 18 to get out of the middle of it, I moved over 2000 miles away. I was used as the middle man and questioned about what each one did and so on and so fourth and because I answered a question a fight would break out between the 2 of them. I love both my parents, don't get me wrong but I don't even like going home at all to visit, I feel like i have to make sure each one gets to see me 1/2 the time, and holidays are just not the same. I want to go home for thanksgiving but I know it won't ever be the same as it was so I just join friends for the holidays. To be honest I feel like I am just out of both their lives and just in the past... My step mom over runs my dad ie: helping me on a down payment to buy a house and all the sudden- she wants a barn... My mom just told me shes getting married. I'm glad they are happy. But in the 7 years- coming on 8 I have been away from home they have only came and seen me once and they are the only family that's visited. If I did not call and wish everyone happy holiday back home I really think my mom and maybe my dad would be the only one to call. I have to keep pushing forward and try to act like all is ok and remember I have my horses, and big dreams ahead of me. Here lately there have been more rough days then i prefer to admit too. I don't want to go home to visit and I will never move back there. I don't feel I should feel this way but i just do feel half way forgotten... and IDK why. |
|
| |
|
 Don't Wanna Make This Awkward
Posts: 3106
Location: Texas | Were your family right here at BHW, you have hundreds of us
I know that's not the answer you are looking for, BUT I do know you have a futurity colt this year(Ithink) and you should really be focusing on that and whether he is ready or not I think it will be a phenominal experience. So really try and focus on all the POSITIVE things in your life right now.
Listen to your heart and do what you feel is best. |
|
| |
|
 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| The situations we find ourselves in can really be rotten and painful. Just keep in mind that you are on your own journey, and while you love your family, you need to love yourself and do what makes you happy.
I would go all out to make sure they all know you love them over the holidays, send cards, gifts etc. Not because it makes them feel better, but because you will feel better for being the bigger person.
Then, I'd happily climb upon my horse and forget all about them and focus on you.
Hugs. (when you let go of the past and expectations, life does get easier)
|
|
| |
|
  Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | YOu need to put everything aside.. and call them BOTH and make a APPT to sit with BOTH and TALK... it out.. not anyone but you and your mom and your dad.. tell them how you feel.. then give them time to speak as well. be mature.. communication is a key. they may not even realize you feel tht way and realize they do this.... BUT not in heat of moment and not on phone and not sparingly.. make it a long deep heart to heart to both at same time. |
|
| |
|
 Sock eating dog owner
Posts: 4553
Location: Where the pavement ends and the West begins Utah | Oh honey you could be my daughter. Like another has mentioned make the time to talk to them. They do love you and if you haven't notice these times are hard and a divorce is seldom easy.In fact my kids haven't talked to me due to my wonderful x until they realized the truth but I was hurt so bad by it all I will not go out of my way to see them. I am sure they feel too that you have moved on. It don't mean they don't love you it is just they are busy building their own dam.Please don't feel as if they have forgotten you or don't love you.They are going through their own crisis and is really hard to rebuild and take up roots.So please accept this cyber hug from a distance cause I know you could really use a few. If you don't have the words to speak to them, just email this post and the ball rolling in your direction.  |
|
| |
|
 Money Eating Baggage Owner
Posts: 9586
Location: Phoenix | Well if it makes you feel any better, my parents recently split and I haven't talked to my dad since September. I am disgusted with him and do not even care to have him in my life anymore. He WAS my hero. It's amazing how fast he dropped to ZERO.
Let your parents figure out their lives and concentrate on making your future better.
Edited by hammer_time 2015-02-20 9:55 AM
|
|
| |
|
 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 425
Location: California | You have every right to feel the way you do. 10 years of divorce drama is A LOT to go through. I also had parents that put me in the "middle". I was told things no kid should ever be told. (I'm 24 now) I worried about things & money that no kid should ever be told about by their parents (under 14).
I could tell so many stories to go along with this, but here's this:
Don't get involved with a conversation to one parent about the other. I know as hard that sounds, it's really the best thing for you to do. Listen to what rant they might have to say, but stand your ground. (I also have these kinds of issues) the moment you might say something, it will probably back fire (like their fighting).
Also, don't ever feel like you SHOULDN'T feel a certain way or that YOUR feelings are WRONG. Put your family on the backburner for now & let them come to you. & if they don't come to you, let that be a life lesson on who is REAL. Will they be there for you when YOU need them? or is it just when they need you? It is so important sometimes to put yourself first & be able to be selfish. Don't let a bad situation run your life. It sounds like you have some great things going for you & don't let anything get in the way with that! DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY!!!! Don't feel obligated to do anything for the Holidays if it's just going to put for stress on you or make you feel worse!
& I might sound crazy for this part.... but do you ever meditate? I thought it was crazy but I just recently started to & it already makes me feel better. I erase all the negative thoughts that eat me up all day otherwise.
If you ever need anyone to talk to or vent to, just know you have a lot of people ready to listen; including me.
|
|
| |
|
 Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | I'm so very sorry you are going through this.... I don't know exactly how you feel but I do know the havoc and stress being from a family of divorced parents puts on your life... 15 years later, I'm still dealing with the consequences of my parents divorce and my younger sister and brother seem to be very "screwed" up because of it. I have let what little anger toward them I had go but they just can't seem to get over it. You can't change your parents but you can choose how close to be to them and how much you let them hurt you. I would tell them how you feel and if it doesn't change things then find new people who will love you, I know can love you like your parents do but if all they do is make you feel bad, try to find a good mentor or friend who can be there for you! Hugs! |
|
| |
|
Expert
Posts: 1314
Location: North Central Iowa Land of white frozen grass | I am sorry you have to go thru this. Look at it this way. When people settled this country thay had to leave their family behind and most problaly never seen or talked to them the rest of their lives. You are on a great journey. You are one of the courages ones just like the ones that settled this country. Send them both a card and tell them you are happy for them in their new lives and they can call you anytime. |
|
| |
|
 The Peaceful One
Posts: 1415
Location: Only a stones throw away!! | I am a parent of a broken family... I will have to say that I try really hard to make my kids feel "normal" but with that being said I can still see the pain in their eyes 2yrs later. I always try to put them first and foremost, if and when i went out on dates the man always knew he would come 2nd in my life.
I loved hearing your side of this horrible situation because it is not always easy for kids to talk about a situation like this. I know that my kids will not always tell me what hurts them for the sheer fact of protecting me. You sound like a really grown up individual that is finding themselves in this big ole world. I think you are and should be really proud of yourself for all you have been and are going to go through.
You have enlightened me and have opened my eyes!!! With that being said ...you should hold your head high knowing that you my friend are a strong individual.
I hope for speedy healing and i hope this is soon resolved. |
|
| |
|
 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Me and you are in the same club! Mine are divorcing right now and are both really trying to include me in every. single. detail. It's exhausting to have your phone blow up, then when you answer it, one of your parents is bawling their eyes out. Just hang in there.
As for the rest of the family, I see them for a few hours once a year or so, because I'm home visiting the folks. I think that figure it's my duty as offspring to maintain contact. Maybe it is, but a phone call after I got married would have made me feel wonderful, or achieved something in the barrel pen would be nice. It's lonely without family, but I've found out that my friends I've made out here in the real world are more caring, and ready to make me feel loved with no strings attached than my own family.
What I do is go on phone vacations; I just don't answer the phone for a few days until I can properly prepare my mind. My poor mom called me 26 times yesterday, trying to tell me how upset she is with only 50% of everything and what a bad guy my Dad is. I'm very close to both of them, and I just don't take the call.
You're not wrong to feel that way, just be extra nice to yourself and make sure to spend time with positive, wonderful people whenever you can! |
|
| |
|
 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Bibliafarm - 2015-02-20 8:19 AM YOu need to put everything aside.. and call them BOTH and make a APPT to sit with BOTH and TALK... it out.. not anyone but you and your mom and your dad.. tell them how you feel.. then give them time to speak as well. be mature.. communication is a key. they may not even realize you feel tht way and realize they do this.... BUT not in heat of moment and not on phone and not sparingly.. make it a long deep heart to heart to both at same time.
I agree with Biblia, give them a chance to open their eyes to how their actions are effecting you. If they choose to not change after that, then you have to set boundaries and walk away when they refuse to respect them. I also agree with Ridden, that while you do not have to subject yourself to their behaviors, you can still take the high road and call and send gifts on holidays etc. Down the road you will be glad you did not conduct yourself in a way that you might regret,not becuse it might change them but because you will know you always tried to do the right thing. My sister has issues with my mother and has set boundaries but she still calls and does "the right thing" at holidays etc. She makes her decisions on not what my mother does, but by the kind of person she wants to be inspite of my mother. She still treats her with kindness even though she does not always get it in return. |
|
| |
|
 IMA No Hair Style Gal
Posts: 2594
| Broken homes are painful. Here is my question to you...what can you do to find your peace with this situation?
The answer to that question may take some time, but make it a point to find that answer.
|
|
| |
|
Expert
Posts: 1561
| You move 2000 miles away and then get upset they dont visit you?
Your dad isnt good enough to hang out with during Thanksgiving but is good enough to ask for a down payment for a house?
 |
|
| |
|
The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| Itsme - 2015-02-21 9:37 AM
You move 2000 miles away and then get upset they dont visit you?
Your dad isnt good enough to hang out with during Thanksgiving but is good enough to ask for a down payment for a house?
I agree with what itsme said.
My guess is there is another side to everything the op has said.
From my experience with families, is most people take their family for granted then when a family member is on their death bead, the family members who have alienated the dying from their life either show up for two reasons
Money
Guilt
You are the one who has to live with your decision, the emotions that come with, and the consequences of that decision |
|
| |
|
Expert
Posts: 1255
| Keep your head up. |
|
| |
|
Don't Wanna Make This Awkward
Posts: 3106
Location: Texas | cheryl makofka - 2015-02-21 2:08 PM
Itsme - 2015-02-21 9:37 AM
You move 2000 miles away and then get upset they dont visit you?
Your dad isnt good enough to hang out with during Thanksgiving but is good enough to ask for a down payment for a house?
I agree with what itsme said.
My guess is there is another side to everything the op has said.
From my experience with families, is most people take their family for granted then when a family member is on their death bead, the family members who have alienated the dying from their life either show up for two reasons
Money
Guilt
You are the one who has to live with your decision, the emotions that come with, and the consequences of that decision
I get what both of you are saying and agree to a certain extent, but I don't think that's actually what the OP is saying. |
|
| |
Folks on-line