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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
  
| barrelmom68 - 2016-12-19 10:35 AM Thank you all for your comments. It's good to hear that it's OK to be tough. Sometimes I think it's harder on me emotionally. I hate to be or have to be a "mean" mom. I always worry that when she turns 18, she will never come back home because home just sucks....or at least in her eyes it. It's not in my character to be that tough mom and it's so important to me that the lines of communication are open. I was that kid once, so part of me understands, I was drinking in high school, I went to parties and did things that I probably should not have survived...I love my mom and never had a bad relationship with her, but when I was in high school, she had gotten out of a bad relationship with my dad and gotten into another relationship with her now husband, she was so focused on that happiness, I just kind of was allowed to do my own thing. I think that's why I'm so strict with my children, I just don't want them to turn out like me... Again, thank you all for all your comments and support even from the non moms, I think I cried the most reading yours....
I think of all us were that kid to some extent. Don't worry about being her friend, even when she is slamming doors or stomping around, she still loves you and needs you. It is at this age thst kids need us even more, when they think they're mature enough to handle experiences that come their way and they're actually not, evidenced by the decision to lie about the party. We all wanted to do things our parents didn't approve of, her lieing doesn't define her character or who she is, don't parent from a place where you fear her reaction, just do what you know is right for her in the long term. Don't miss opportunities to teach her trust and honesty are important. | |
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 No Tune in a Bucket
Posts: 2935
 
Location: Texas | ND3canAddict - 2016-12-19 11:58 AM Oh man! This thread is helpful because it's something that's been on my mind a lot. My son is 16 and a homebody. He has only asked to go "out" one time (which was just a couple of weeks ago). He didn't break any rules, but that is the part that scares me a little (I'm sorry if I sound ridiculous). In a year and a half, he will be gone to college and I won't have much "say" in his choices. Just like training a dog or a horse, if he doesn't make mistakes, how can I help correct them?? Will he go to college and become an idiot?? It terrifies me, because I was "bad" in high school- I know what kids want to do (or at least the bad decisions I made).
Here is a FREE app that you can add to your phone and your daughter's as part of her reconciliation. It's called Life360 and it tracks their phone. You can see where they are, to the gnat's ass. I have it on both of my kids' phones and it's mandatory as long as I pay the phone bill. My husband and I are also linked on it, so they can see where we are. It comes in handy for lots of things- like picking up supplies if someone is near a town. You can also set a radius around a town, school or home so if they leave, you get an alert. They also have a beta driving portion that reports their speed.
While this app sounds like a good idea and in a perfect world it would be great. But if a kid wants to get around the app what would keep them from leaving their phone at the friend's house and going about their merry way. Then they are out there without their lifeline in case of an emergency. | |
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 Straight Shooter
Posts: 5725
Location: SW North Dakota | RocketPilot - 2016-12-19 11:42 AM ND3canAddict - 2016-12-19 11:58 AM Oh man! This thread is helpful because it's something that's been on my mind a lot. My son is 16 and a homebody. He has only asked to go "out" one time (which was just a couple of weeks ago). He didn't break any rules, but that is the part that scares me a little (I'm sorry if I sound ridiculous). In a year and a half, he will be gone to college and I won't have much "say" in his choices. Just like training a dog or a horse, if he doesn't make mistakes, how can I help correct them?? Will he go to college and become an idiot?? It terrifies me, because I was "bad" in high school- I know what kids want to do (or at least the bad decisions I made).
Here is a FREE app that you can add to your phone and your daughter's as part of her reconciliation. It's called Life360 and it tracks their phone. You can see where they are, to the gnat's ass. I have it on both of my kids' phones and it's mandatory as long as I pay the phone bill. My husband and I are also linked on it, so they can see where we are. It comes in handy for lots of things- like picking up supplies if someone is near a town. You can also set a radius around a town, school or home so if they leave, you get an alert. They also have a beta driving portion that reports their speed. While this app sounds like a good idea and in a perfect world it would be great. But if a kid wants to get around the app what would keep them from leaving their phone at the friend's house and going about their merry way. Then they are out there without their lifeline in case of an emergency.
Yep, you're right. They can leave their phone if they really want around the app, but if I find out they did that, their phones are mine anyway. There is no perfect solution, for sure. I like this mainly so I can keep track of them in case of an emergency... they have a 21 mile drive to school, so it gives me a little peace of mind to be able to check on them! | |
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 A Barrel Of Monkeys
Posts: 12972
Location: Texas | I heard years ago when my kids were teens that the hardest part of parenting in the thinking part. That's when I learned the phrase "the 4 R's". No ranting, raving, rescuing or reacting.
I learned to tell my kids "you shouldn't have done that; it's going to cost you." That gave me time to get over the initial shock of their actions and think about the punishment. Believe me, when my kids heard me say that, it would strike fear in their hearts, because they knew a punishment was coming and there was no wiggling out of it - I'd had the time to think about it without emotion, and the resolve to stick to it. They knew when I dished it out, they weren't getting out of it. And their friends knew too - they'd try to get my kids to call me and convince me to let go somewhere with them and my kids would tell them not to waste their time.
So in your situation, I think I'd decide that she's demonstrated she can't be trusted to be treated like a 15 yo, so I'd treat her like a 4 yo until she can demonstrate that she can be trusted. And you can decide all the details involved in that.
Also, don't be afraid to be the weird mom who calls the other parent to double check on where, what, who, etc. I was that mom, and my kiddos were appalled, but they appreciate it now that they have their own kids.
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  JMHO
Posts: 1869
Location: Oklahoma | Trust has to be earned!! Don't feel bad, you can't fix things if you don't know it's broken. Don't go easy and don't give in early!! She broke your trust and has to learn to handle the consequence of her actions. | |
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 Born not Made
Posts: 2931
Location: North Dakota | barrelmom68 - 2016-12-18 11:42 AM My daughter asked me stay at a friends last night, I said yes and asked her what they planned on doing. She said they want to go to so and so birthday party. A boy they go to school with. I said that was ok, but I wanted to know where the party was at and if her fiends mom was driving them and picking them up and I didn't want her to stay past midnight. At that time she didn't know those answers yet and I said she wasn't leaving until she found out. After about an hour she said they didn't know where it was going to be so they would not be going because the friends mom wasn't going to let her go without knowing either. They had just planned on staying home then. Soooo, I occasionally check on her Snapchat account and got on it early this morning and randomly looked that this one boys story, and he posted a video at a party with a lot of kids and there was my daughter in the video. I am beyond furious, more so about the lieing part. I gave her many opportunitys to tell me the truth. I said before she left, if anything changed, please text me. This party was in another town about 30 minutes away. My daughter is 15. I don't know what to do, talk to the other mother, take all her electronics away, take her social life away. I feel awful that this is the choices she is making. I'm not raising her to think it's ok to lie to get what you want. I just want to cry. She doesn't know I know yet. Help.
I hope I don't have to face situations like this (my first little one just turned 6 months old) but you just never know!
Hubby and I were raised totally different. Granted, I never much had the desire to go out and party in high school (was too busy with my horses) but my parents were pretty strict. However, with that said, I stayed out until 3 AM for my junior prom and my mom and dad didn't really say much about it. Granted (if I do say so myself) I was a pretty darn good kid otherwise.
Hubby was a little hoodlum. And since he was the "baby", he pretty much had all the freedom in the world. Ugg, I hope our kids never do half of what he did in high school, LOL. But one thing I do like is that he had to be 100% honest with his parents about where he was and who he was with .... or that freedom would be gone.
I like to think that we'll have rules when our child is older BUT still give them freedom to go out with friends. But I do like the concept that if we give them freedom, then we need full disclosure. At all times. No questions asked. And if that rule is broken, consequences will ensue.
I don't want to tell you how to punish your daughter; you know what's best. But she needs to learn that she does live under your roof and needs to abide by your rules. Especially it seems in today's day and age where there are so many untrustworthy people in the world.
I probably would chat with the other mom, just to fill her in. So maybe the next time your daughter stays over, she may be more prone to ask "is this okay with your mom?". (Or who knows, she might not give a rats @$$ ... but at least you tried.)
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Good Ole Boys just Fine with Me
Posts: 2869
Location: SE Missouri | Lots of good advice. I can positively tell you that my parents would have NEVER let me go back to that friends house to stay - EVER...
We don't have kids but I'll say that my dad & mom mellowed way out with my other sisters. I'm positive I would have gotten my a$$ beat for that kind of stunt and would have not been going anywhere outside of the barn for months. Lying wasn't tolerated and I also had a 10:30 curfew until my senior prom UNLESS I was at a rodeo.
They trusted me as a just turned 16yo and 14 yo going to a rodeo 20 miles away on a Friday night but not me with peers hanging out in town, lol.. Looking back it makes total sense.
Good luck - personally I think girls lose their minds (and their way) easiest from 15-17. I was a little later on my wild stage but two sisters should have been worked hard every day like a couple of racehorses to keep in line- LOL.
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Nut Case Expert
Posts: 9305
Location: Tulsa, Ok | I do not believe in over-doing rules for kids. But I have one hard and fast requirement - I want to know where they are, who they are with and when they will return. If any of that changes notification better be immediate.
I consider that information to be a matter of respect and common courtesy for anyone living under my roof regardless if they are 14 or 41.
Failure to abide by that rule changed life as the kids knew it. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 618
| Keep it simple. Take away the phone especially NOW it's Christmas break and she'll "miss out" on all her friends are doing. Don't let her sulk in her room, or pout on the couch in front of tv plotting her revenge. It's time for manual labor to replace the phone activity. Don't set a time limit on punishment either, she's gonna go through different stages of "grief" over her life being over ie ****y, sweet, depressed. You'll have to gauge when you REALLY think she's learned a lesson and it won't be in 2 days or a week. I wouldn't talk about it continually either. Now's the time to lay down the law, no discussion period and EVERYTIME she asks add another day. | |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9991
Location: Kansas | I'm glad some of you weren't my mother....because I would have been screwed in high school with some of the things i did lol. | |
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Regular
Posts: 84
| My fiance and I do not have children. And we were raised very differently... So not sure how we would handle the situation exactly.. but being a teen years ago, it would have hurt me most to have my phone/internet taken away. Esp during Christmas break.
Raising kids is hard, I cannot imagine the things my mom had went through with me and my brother.
My mother was very lenient with my older brother, which turned bad for her, and he got into a lot of trouble with drugs and drinking. Whereas, my mother was very strict with me. I had a very close relationship with my mom growing up, earned her trust, and in return probably did some things I shouldn't have when I got in high school.. which I apologize for very often (the things she knows about at least) haha.. My mother and I did have a falling out at one time when I was 21 where I didn't "come home" or talk to her for a while, but we made amends.. it wont last long if it happens.. so don't worry about the future. Punish her how you feel is right, but make sure you do something. My mom was never the "cool" mom. She was always a parent, and never a friend. I thank her for that now, as Im not sure where I would be today, had she not been "mean"
You know in your heart what is right, so do that. Good luck, and I will be praying for you!
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Regular
Posts: 65
| That is all I ask, where are you going, who are you with and who's driving you (since she doesn't drive) she knows midnight is her curfew. According to her, that is too many questions...and she still doesn't think she did anything wrong. I'm having a really hard time understanding how her mind works. She had a friend who she Jr. and High School Rodeoed with, he passed away in a car accident about a month ago, he was 15. She says to me last night "she just wants to go experience the drinking, then she says look at so and so, he died at 15 and probably never got to do that....ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME WITH THAT COMMENT, HE WAS 15, THERE IS A LOT HE WON'T GET TO EXPERIENCE AND I'M CERTAIN DRINKING AND SMOKING POT WAS THE LAST THING ON HIS MIND OF THINGS HE WOULD LIKE TO ACCOMPLISH. I had to end that conversation with her, I was so angry. Heck, I'm angry even talking about it now... | |
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Born not Made
Posts: 2931
Location: North Dakota | barrelmom68 - 2016-12-20 10:26 AM That is all I ask, where are you going, who are you with and who's driving you (since she doesn't drive) she knows midnight is her curfew. According to her, that is too many questions...and she still doesn't think she did anything wrong. I'm having a really hard time understanding how her mind works. She had a friend who she Jr. and High School Rodeoed with, he passed away in a car accident about a month ago, he was 15. She says to me last night "she just wants to go experience the drinking, then she says look at so and so, he died at 15 and probably never got to do that....ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME WITH THAT COMMENT, HE WAS 15, THERE IS A LOT HE WON'T GET TO EXPERIENCE AND I'M CERTAIN DRINKING AND SMOKING POT WAS THE LAST THING ON HIS MIND OF THINGS HE WOULD LIKE TO ACCOMPLISH. I had to end that conversation with her, I was so angry. Heck, I'm angry even talking about it now...
I don't think anyone understands how the teenage mind works.
Do what you need to do to "cool your jets". Doesn't do either of you any good if you are both really angry. Again, punish her as you see fit. But I would also explain to her that you want to know the answers to "all these questions" because you CARE about her, and LOVE her, and want to let her have fun while staying safe. If you are okay with her drinking, fine. If you are NOT okay with her drinking, fine. You're the parent; you decide. Explain your policy (but don't get too deep into it; don't try to justify) and explain the rules. Period. Rules are rules.
Chances are, she wants to "experience drinking" because of peer pressure. That's how kids operate. If one jumps off a cliff, they all jump off a cliff. (Heck, that's how some adults operate.)
That car accident is a prime example of how you can explain to her WHY you want to know where she is, who she is with, and when you want her home. Because then if she doesn't show up, you know something has happened and you can help. Of course, teens have the invincibility complex and they don't realize that bad things can happen to them.
Raising kids is tough. Hang in there.
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 I Prefer to Live in Fantasy Land
Posts: 64864
Location: In the Hills of Texas | hoofs_in_motion - 2016-12-20 8:39 AM I'm glad some of you weren't my mother....because I would have been screwed in high school with some of the things i did lol.
I was a very strict mother and I always said I didn't have a kid to be my friend. I had the responsibility of raising her to be a responsible adult and that she is. My sister's all said I was too strict. My one sister by being that mom everyone wanted got her nothing but grieve. I would do the same again in a heartbeat. My sister has 2 girls that barely speak to her and my daughter calls me everyday. I think my parenting way turned out a whole lot better. | |
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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| I agree, NTO. Too many parents want to be a friend, instead of the parent. Friendship comes later. It doesn't mean you're not kind and loving, but love is teaching that child how to be a responsible adult.
?All my girls at that age were the devil. Its espcially hard when their mom is loud, and opinionated. I swear, I was in one battle after next, but they are great adults now. I'm thankful. | |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | barrelmom68 - 2016-12-19 10:35 AM
Thank you all for your comments. It's good to hear that it's OK to be tough. Sometimes I think it's harder on me emotionally. I hate to be or have to be a "mean" mom. I always worry that when she turns 18, she will never come back home because home just sucks....or at least in her eyes it. It's not in my character to be that tough mom and it's so important to me that the lines of communication are open. I was that kid once, so part of me understands, I was drinking in high school, I went to parties and did things that I probably should not have survived...I love my mom and never had a bad relationship with her, but when I was in high school, she had gotten out of a bad relationship with my dad and gotten into another relationship with her now husband, she was so focused on that happiness, I just kind of was allowed to do my own thing. I think that's why I'm so strict with my children, I just don't want them to turn out like me...
Again, thank you all for all your comments and support even from the non moms, I think I cried the most reading yours....
I think the fact you're on here and concerned so much about you daughter and her welfare shows you didn't turn out so bad. And I totally agree with the part about explaining why you're doing this and how it made you feel. My momma could threaten all sorts of punishment (and follow thru), but all Daddy had to say was "Deb, you really let me down and I'm so disappointed in you" and I was heartbroken and never did it again.
My momma was always calling the other momma to see what the arrangements were, who was going/chaperoning, what time we were to be home, etc. I was embarrassed the first time or three but then it was just normal operation mode for me! After my wreck and the hell I put my parents thru because of it, even after I went to college, I would call and tell them my plans. Then I'd call when I got back to the dorm or my apartment. I got some flack from my friends at first, but I felt like I owed them that; I can't imagine the horror of getting THAT phone call at 1 am from a state trooper. . . . And even at my advanced age with a child of my own, I call them if we are gonna be out and about at night (Wal-Mart, rodeo, or even if we go to work at night) just so they know where I am if they need me. Maybe it's overkill, but it's worked for my little family!!
Edited by Chandler's Mom 2016-12-21 1:59 AM
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Porta Potty Pants
Posts: 2600
| I would start a conversation like the importance of telling the truth. I've told my son ... I expect him to always tell me the truth and that if I ever caught him lying two things would happen: one in the short term .. a consequence for the lying and the long term: it would take a long time to earn my trust back and it would be very hard for me to 'go to bat' for him if someone accused him of something because he had a history of not telling me the truth. I've also told him, I would rather hear the bad news from him, including the entire truth than from someone else and that if he told me the truth, even something bad, he would still get in trouble but if he lied about it ... he would get into more trouble ... a consequence for the infraction of whatever and then for dishonesty. In your case, I would very calmly and matter of factly, tell her something similar, then I would give her a moment to think about it. Then I would ask ... do you remember the rules and expectations I gave you when I allowed you to go out? Please tell me what they were? (If she can't I would walk her back through the conversation) Now, is there anything you'd like to tell me about what happened and where you went the other night? At this point, she should realize that you know something, if she hasn't already. Allow her to say whatever and then if she tells you the truth (she might tell you more not knowing what you know) tell her you appreciate her honesty and that you are disappointed she didn't respect you enough to follow the rules and then take away her electronics or whatever. If she lies or tells you less than what you know, I would increase the penalty. Once her punishment is over, have an open discussion about it. You want to make certain she understands the connection between her behavior and the consequence.
In shaping behavior, you want to avoid the ceiling effect which is coming down with the hardest thing because then they have already experienced "the worst" and can decide whether that was worth it the next time she's presented with a chance to make a decision that goes against the rules. You also want to avoid habituation. This is when you don't come down hard enough and your kid realizes they have plenty of room to push those boundaries.
Just my 2 cents for what it's worth. | |
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Porta Potty Pants
Posts: 2600
| barrelmom68 - 2016-12-20 10:26 AM
That is all I ask, where are you going, who are you with and who's driving you (since she doesn't drive) she knows midnight is her curfew. According to her, that is too many questions...and she still doesn't think she did anything wrong. I'm having a really hard time understanding how her mind works. She had a friend who she Jr. and High School Rodeoed with, he passed away in a car accident about a month ago, he was 15. She says to me last night "she just wants to go experience the drinking, then she says look at so and so, he died at 15 and probably never got to do that....ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME WITH THAT COMMENT, HE WAS 15, THERE IS A LOT HE WON'T GET TO EXPERIENCE AND I'M CERTAIN DRINKING AND SMOKING POT WAS THE LAST THING ON HIS MIND OF THINGS HE WOULD LIKE TO ACCOMPLISH. I had to end that conversation with her, I was so angry. Heck, I'm angry even talking about it now...
When my kid says I ask too many questions, I always say, "you can think that, but I'm the parent and I get to ask as many questions as I want. When you're the parent, you can ask the questions you want.
I would tell her ... "If you want to experience it now, this punishment is part of the experience. You can't have one without the other." | |
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