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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 464
 
| I'm a guy (always have to tell that). I roped till we started having kids. I laid it down like a hot rock when they were born. It was more important to spend time with them. The girls are a little older, and in to barrel racing so here I am. Once they got big enough to ride, I spent more time in the saddle. I even got a few roping calves last summer. Long story short kids come first. |
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Formerly Horse
Posts: 4552
 
Location: TEXAS | I have 2 year old twins and it just isn't safe to ride with them around. They will get into trouble or what if I got hurt and knocked out and noone else was here??? My husband works and goes to school and drag races so hes gone sun up to sun down 5 x a week! I also work some, do not use babysitters, and we are military with no family around. It is really tough and I have not made a good run in about 3 years. I still keep trying but it's depressing and not fair for the kids or the horses. |
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| Oh I was just getting so upset about this the other night. We have a four month old, and thankfully the weather is nice enough MOST of the time that I can leave her in the car seat or stroller while I ride. Some days I just can't whether it be her current growth spurt or whatever... and it's discouraging. Hubby always takes her when he's home which is nice, but there have been days that as soon as I tack up I have to untack because she won't stop crying for him :/ I have a horse that needs finishing before I can do anything and it's the most frustrating feeling. I'm not considering giving up horses (it is the one constant that keeps me sane and pregnancy was long enough) but either being honest with myself and getting a finished horse or sending her to a trainer because I'm not consistent enough. Just be honest with yourself on what you can handle and go from there. Good luck mama! |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 540
Location: My own little world :) | Thank you everyone for your advise and your support. I don't know what my husband and I are going through but it sucks! I feel overwhelmed with all that I have to do and our relationship has been quite rocky lately. The last two nights we have discussed separation and divorce which I do not want. It just seems like we can't make each other happy and I wonder if I just have too much going on. I feel like the only thing I can decrease is the horses and he absolutely does not want me to stop that..but I am going to school and want to finish because it is important to me and the job I work is a family business and I like helping my parents out. He thinks I should quite school but then I feel like I would feel like a failure. I just don't know what to do. Is it normal to have these feelings between spouses after a year of marriage and having a child? I just feel like I have absolutely no interest in any kind of affection. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 658
Location: Bessmer City NC | zanadoo sending you a private message! |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | Zanadoo88 - 2014-03-06 10:51 PM Thank you everyone for your advise and your support. I don't know what my husband and I are going through but it sucks! I feel overwhelmed with all that I have to do and our relationship has been quite rocky lately. The last two nights we have discussed separation and divorce which I do not want. It just seems like we can't make each other happy and I wonder if I just have too much going on. I feel like the only thing I can decrease is the horses and he absolutely does not want me to stop that..but I am going to school and want to finish because it is important to me and the job I work is a family business and I like helping my parents out. He thinks I should quite school but then I feel like I would feel like a failure. I just don't know what to do. Is it normal to have these feelings between spouses after a year of marriage and having a child? I just feel like I have absolutely no interest in any kind of affection.
Yes, it's normal. You're exhausted, you've got a baby hanging off of you for hours a day and likely waking you up at night...it's kind of hard to welcome anyone else wanting to touch you or get up the energy to show affection. It's hard enough when you're not trying to be everything to everyone, but 100 times worse when you are. The worst lie society has ever told women is you can have it all and all at the same time. We are not super heroes, and it's physically and mentally impossible to keep that up for any amount of time--something will give way and you do NOT want that something to be your marriage, your health, or your sanity. That's where lowering your expectations of yourself comes in. I wouldn't quit riding, but I would back off my goals for a while and just enjoy them when you can. They should be stress relief, not a cause of stress. I don't know what to tell you about school, but I can't imagine how hard that is with a baby. Can you cut your hours or take a semester off to regroup? I wouldn't give up on it altogether. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 806
Location: Arkansas | Three 4 Luck - 2014-03-07 7:43 AM Zanadoo88 - 2014-03-06 10:51 PM Thank you everyone for your advise and your support. I don't know what my husband and I are going through but it sucks! I feel overwhelmed with all that I have to do and our relationship has been quite rocky lately. The last two nights we have discussed separation and divorce which I do not want. It just seems like we can't make each other happy and I wonder if I just have too much going on. I feel like the only thing I can decrease is the horses and he absolutely does not want me to stop that..but I am going to school and want to finish because it is important to me and the job I work is a family business and I like helping my parents out. He thinks I should quite school but then I feel like I would feel like a failure. I just don't know what to do. Is it normal to have these feelings between spouses after a year of marriage and having a child? I just feel like I have absolutely no interest in any kind of affection. Yes, it's normal. You're exhausted, you've got a baby hanging off of you for hours a day and likely waking you up at night...it's kind of hard to welcome anyone else wanting to touch you or get up the energy to show affection. It's hard enough when you're not trying to be everything to everyone, but 100 times worse when you are. The worst lie society has ever told women is you can have it all and all at the same time. We are not super heroes, and it's physically and mentally impossible to keep that up for any amount of time--something will give way and you do NOT want that something to be your marriage, your health, or your sanity. That's where lowering your expectations of yourself comes in. I wouldn't quit riding, but I would back off my goals for a while and just enjoy them when you can. They should be stress relief, not a cause of stress. I don't know what to tell you about school, but I can't imagine how hard that is with a baby. Can you cut your hours or take a semester off to regroup? I wouldn't give up on it altogether.
Great advice! Also, there is a show that has been coming on some of the "church" channels called Marriage Today. I was actually up rocking my crying baby and sat on the remote and it was on. The man was describing my relationship to a T. It has really helped me see things from my husband's perspective and vice versa. I know where you are at. In the past 4 years, I have been married, had two children, completed one master's and now am in the last semester of a program of study. I will say this, the time with your babies absolutely FLIES and the horses will still be there. Your baby is going to grow and change so much. SOAK it up. I wish you all the best. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 540
Location: My own little world :) | Thank you all for your words of wisdom and support. It is good to hear that this is somewhat normal and it is also good to hear it from someone else that maybe I need to readjust my responsibilities in order to be happy. It amazes me already how much my little girl has changed so I definitely want to spend all the time with her that I can. Thank you again for the advise! I appreciate it!  |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 602
| Three 4 Luck - 2014-03-07 5:43 AM
Zanadoo88 - 2014-03-06 10:51 PM Thank you everyone for your advise and your support. I don't know what my husband and I are going through but it sucks! I feel overwhelmed with all that I have to do and our relationship has been quite rocky lately. The last two nights we have discussed separation and divorce which I do not want. It just seems like we can't make each other happy and I wonder if I just have too much going on. I feel like the only thing I can decrease is the horses and he absolutely does not want me to stop that..but I am going to school and want to finish because it is important to me and the job I work is a family business and I like helping my parents out. He thinks I should quite school but then I feel like I would feel like a failure. I just don't know what to do. Is it normal to have these feelings between spouses after a year of marriage and having a child? I just feel like I have absolutely no interest in any kind of affection.
Yes, it's normal. You're exhausted, you've got a baby hanging off of you for hours a day and likely waking you up at night...it's kind of hard to welcome anyone else wanting to touch you or get up the energy to show affection. It's hard enough when you're not trying to be everything to everyone, but 100 times worse when you are. The worst lie society has ever told women is you can have it all and all at the same time. We are not super heroes, and it's physically and mentally impossible to keep that up for any amount of time--something will give way and you do NOT want that something to be your marriage, your health, or your sanity. That's where lowering your expectations of yourself comes in. I wouldn't quit riding, but I would back off my goals for a while and just enjoy them when you can. They should be stress relief, not a cause of stress. I don't know what to tell you about school, but I can't imagine how hard that is with a baby. Can you cut your hours or take a semester off to regroup? I wouldn't give up on it altogether.
^^^^agreed. Being married and having kids is not easy. Seems like if you can get through the first year then things start to smooth out. Your husband probably expects you to still provide the same attention before the baby came. Men dont understand what women go through when they are new moms. Its difficult. My husband and I fought alot during the first year. |
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 Veteran
Posts: 168
Location: Wyoming | I absolutely agree with Three4Luck. We had been married 8 years and worked together every single day and best friends. We now have 2 boys 2 and 3 years old. It has changed the dynamic of our marriage. My husband misses the attention I used to give him, he is wonderful, supporting, doesn't complain but they need to know we still love them. It is always about us mom's and the kids and we forget the effect it has on the guys. Yes, I love him wholeheartedly but after a day with two boys wanted all my attention and affection I just want to sleep and have alone time by night so I struggle with showing hubby affection also. Plus add hormone changes after giving birth and you don't feel like anyone touching you with a ten foot pole. Its difficult.
I was lucky enough I barely missed a beat with my horses but I have a huge support system. Even with that it is difficult at times.
If I was you I would set priorities. Your marriage and child should come first. It will be even more difficult as a single parent. Then figure out what is more important to you. Ask your self if you have to work cause you need the money or not, would you feel like more of a failure quitting school or letting your marriage fail, etc. Really dig deep. I couldn't do it with all that on my plate I would be miserable. |
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Veteran
Posts: 221
Location: Canada | It's definitely not easy and some things will have to be sacrificed over others. I've been married for 4 years now and our LO will be 1 at the end of the month. I started riding about a month after he was born and competed at some events during the summer. At the events i have a friend who also had 2 kids and we would watch each others kids while we rode and competed providing we weren't back to back. To exercise when he was content to stay in the stroller I would park him near by and ride my horses, I don't have an arena so this was done on grass in the field, I would text someone when I started and finished so if something happened someone would know to come look for me and get the baby inside. I have family in town so to ride at the arena I would drop him off at someone's while I got my arena work done. Over the winter here I've I used the side by side and ponied my 2 to keep fit while I wasn't at the arena. My hubby plowed a track around our field as we got more than 3ft of snow this year. If your wondering where my hubby is for riding, he also works long hours and is hardly home. I go back to work right away and my job has very long hours so it will be trying for me, I am gone from latest 6am to 7pm, so plan is come home spend time with LO and family until everyone goes to bed then go ride, I ride with a head lamp after dark a fair bit also. I guess where there's a will there's a way, you have to be realistic about your expectations, I have 2 that are running and 2 2yr olds that needed to be started this year, I would like to sell one if not 2 of them as I know I can't handle that many. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 540
Location: My own little world :) | wheels2 - 2014-03-12 8:28 AM
It's definitely not easy and some things will have to be sacrificed over others. I've been married for 4 years now and our LO will be 1 at the end of the month. I started riding about a month after he was born and competed at some events during the summer. At the events i have a friend who also had 2 kids and we would watch each others kids while we rode and competed providing we weren't back to back. To exercise when he was content to stay in the stroller I would park him near by and ride my horses, I don't have an arena so this was done on grass in the field, I would text someone when I started and finished so if something happened someone would know to come look for me and get the baby inside. I have family in town so to ride at the arena I would drop him off at someone's while I got my arena work done. Over the winter here I've I used the side by side and ponied my 2 to keep fit while I wasn't at the arena. My hubby plowed a track around our field as we got more than 3ft of snow this year. If your wondering where my hubby is for riding, he also works long hours and is hardly home. I go back to work right away and my job has very long hours so it will be trying for me, I am gone from latest 6am to 7pm, so plan is come home spend time with LO and family until everyone goes to bed then go ride, I ride with a head lamp after dark a fair bit also. I guess where there's a will there's a way, you have to be realistic about your expectations, I have 2 that are running and 2 2yr olds that needed to be started this year, I would like to sell one if not 2 of them as I know I can't handle that many.
Wow!! Great job!! That is dedication!! I never thought to ride with a head lamp...that is a great idea! I guess I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get to work! |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1034
| I have three kids and I'm pregnant with the fourth. I work ful time and so does my hubby (both police officers with crazy schedules). DONT QUIT!!!!
Be realistic though. You don't have time to train a young one. If you have a youngster, either sell it or send it to a trainer who has the time to dedicate to doing it right. Get a finished, dependable, veteran who you can just keep legged up and don't have to be super consistent with. You may end up with an older horse with maintenance or something not 1D, but you'll still be in the game and you'll need the mental health benefits.
Going down to one horse may free up the $$ for a babysitter or play equipment to keep them busy. Some day you'll need a pony. But don't quit. |
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