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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
  
| DLV - 2014-07-14 10:03 AM
HotbearLVR - 2014-07-14 9:36 AM
I knew that saying what I did would not go over well, but threads like this tend to be one sided, whenever one gender dominates. I don't have a problem if someone wants to use a public forum or social media to vent or garner some support, but I think a lot of people who read these wonder about the other person's side of the story. Maybe my comments served to put things in perspective and maybe, just maybe, the OP considered them, took a step back, and reconsidered things. Sometimes when we are told something we don't want to hear, it still has a positive impact and strikes a chord that eventually helps to right the ship. If that happens, then some of the vitriol directed toward me for going out on a limb will be well worth it.
When you post on a public forum you have to be willing to accept whatever people say and I'm glad you posted your opinion, doesn't mean I have to take it but I think from every single post, there has been something that I can learn from. The fact that you assumed I was a spoiled, unthankful wife out rodeoing and spending my husbands money was not very fair because it's far from the truth and that's why I don't care so much about the money. I have no hard feeling about it. As I said on my OP, I was being resentful etc. and DON"T want to be! I was asking for advice on how to get through this and ending my marriage is NOT an option, neither or us want that nor would I even entertain the idea! We have to get through this and I'm certain we're both a part of the problem. I'm glad to hear so many have been through simular sitations and I'm so thankful for all the heartfelt advice and encouragment!
We had a great night last night and actually had fun!
I am glad you had a good night with your hubby. Just remember the ones who have gotten thru this are here for you. | |
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Veteran
Posts: 238
| I just read through all of this, 4+ pages. The only thing I keep coming back to is this; It seems when women pick up more (work, kids, school etc.) that they are also still expected to keep up with household chores. Yet when men pick up more, it's ok for them to just DROP it all and the spouse is to pick up the excess.
That drives me nuts. More-so because it's accepted as the way things are.
I can say, that every man has his good points and his bad. And every woman is different in what is acceptable to her. I have learned to accept that some of the things my friends take from their men is ok if it's ok to them. And ask the same from outsiders looking at my relationship. There's a reason there is someone for everyone. | |
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  Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | I chimed in once and I want to again.
To the OP.......life is hard. And I can honestly say I have walked in your shoes somewhat. I have never felt resentment towards my husband, but I have absolutely felt ignored and "unwanted" if you will. He works so many hours, then would be grumpy when he got home, and treated me like he treated one of his soldiers.
It was a two fold problem. And we had a few fights over it. First, he had to learn to leave work at work, and to change into a husband when he got home rather then the NCO he is at work all day long. That was hard for him.
The second part is that I had to realize that no matter how I felt, that there is NOTHING this man would not do for me, and that no matter how grumpy is was, how many hours he worked, or anything else, that he loved me more then he cared about himself. So when I finally allowed myself to understand that, I had to work even harder to make HIM feel appreciated for everything he does for me and for us.
Marraige is HARD. It's one of the hardest jobs any of us will ever have. You can spend 80 hours a week at work, but at night and on your days off, you are a free person. With marraige you never have a day off. You can't possibly spend that much time with the same person and not have your differences.
My biggest concern when I first posted is that you resented him, making him feel unloved and disprespected, which was only going to make matters worse. I didn't want to see that happen. When my husband and I were adjusting to mingling our two totally independent lives, I started to learn why divorce is so common. We were never at risk, and never will be, for divorce, but when we realized just how much work it was to have a great marraige, it made it easy to see why so many people don't succeed at it.
I hope you and your husband can find a common place to work through these issues. If he is anything like my husband, he will always worry first about making the income and such to provide for you for the rest of your life...... | |
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Sideways Riding Expert
Posts: 11371
Location: ND--it snows, it floods, it snows, it floods | You stated in the reply to HotBear that you don't want to feel resentful so maybe you BOTH need to take a step back and figure out what you BOTH want. How long has he been in this new position? My hubby took a promotion 2 years ago and things are just now starting to settle into a routine for him but it's still stressful on both of us. He has said that he would even go back to his old position in a heartbeat and even though I pushed for the new position I fully support him to go back if that's what makes him happy. Maybe you need to give up some of your unpaid volunteer stuff for awhile until things get sorted out and you will feel less stressed as well. I know that there are things that hubby just won't do no matter how often I bug him about it (household chores maily) and since we will be starting the building process on our house I have point blank told him we are getting someone to come in and clean for us because frankly I'm sick of spending my little free time cleaning the house. He started getting bucky about it until I explained that it wasn't fair to either of us. Either way good luck! | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | missroselee - 2014-07-14 11:14 AM
 I chimed in once and I want to again.
To the OP.......life is hard. Â And I can honestly say I have walked in your shoes somewhat. Â I have never felt resentment towards my husband, but I have absolutely felt ignored and "unwanted" if you will. Â He works so many hours, then would be grumpy when he got home, and treated me like he treated one of his soldiers.
It was a two fold problem. Â And we had a few fights over it. Â First, he had to learn to leave work at work, and to change into a husband when he got home rather then the NCO he is at work all day long. Â That was hard for him.
The second part is that I had to realize that no matter how I felt, that there is NOTHING this man would not do for me, and that no matter how grumpy is was, how many hours he worked, or anything else, that he loved me more then he cared about himself. Â So when I finally allowed myself to understand that, I had to work even harder to make HIM feel appreciated for everything he does for me and for us. Â
Marraige is HARD. Â It's one of the hardest jobs any of us will ever have. Â You can spend 80 hours a week at work, but at night and on your days off, you are a free person. Â With marraige you never have a day off. Â You can't possibly spend that much time with the same person and not have your differences.
My biggest concern when I first posted is that you resented him, making him feel unloved and disprespected, which was only going to make matters worse. Â I didn't want to see that happen. Â When my husband and I were adjusting to mingling our two totally independent lives, I started to learn why divorce is so common. We were never at risk, and never will be, for divorce, but when we realized just how much work it was to have a great marraige, it made it easy to see why so many people don't succeed at it.
I hope you and your husband can find a common place to work through these issues. Â If he is anything like my husband, he will always worry first about making the income and such to provide for you for the rest of your life......
I think you are very right about this. I have no doubt my husband will always take care of me, he is a good man I think just forgetting what matters in life at this point. It'll get better. Our husbands sound like they could be good friends. :) Thank you for the advice... it is very good advice and makes me think about this all. | |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | SpottedT - 2014-07-14 11:07 AM I just read through all of this, 4+ pages. The only thing I keep coming back to is this; It seems when women pick up more (work, kids, school etc.) that they are also still expected to keep up with household chores. Yet when men pick up more, it's ok for them to just DROP it all and the spouse is to pick up the excess. That drives me nuts. More-so because it's accepted as the way things are. I can say, that every man has his good points and his bad. And every woman is different in what is acceptable to her. I have learned to accept that some of the things my friends take from their men is ok if it's ok to them. And ask the same from outsiders looking at my relationship. There's a reason there is someone for everyone.
Very well said | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 597
| I made a similar post a while back, and then I felt like a tool when 80% of the replies told me to suck it up! They were right. That said, it's so hard to feel alone all of the time, it's so hard to pick up the slack and feel like all of YOUR hard work goes unnoticed, I totally feel your pain. Try to feel blessed, try to change your attitude, try to remember that as the wife it's your job to set the tone at home, but at the same time truly, truly, try as hard as you can to remember that you are both HUMAN. As humans we make mistakes, we lean hardest on those we love the most, we unload our burdens on the people that we trust to hold them for us. It took me a very long time to change my attitude towards my husbands work ethic, but I did and now our lives are both easier for it.
I hope things get better for you guys, it's a hard row to hoe, but if you can make it through the tough times then the good ones are just that much sweeter! | |
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 Roan On The Range
Posts: 7889
Location: Stephenville, TX | People show love in lots of different ways. To you, showing love means time spent together. To him, showing love probably means providing as well. He took the promotion so he could provide...pay off the student loans and remodel the house. Most of his time and energy is being spent sorting through his new responsibilities at work right now, not an easy task. What he needs from you is some understanding, not nagging. When you do get to spend time with him, tell him you're proud of him for working so hard, you understand the promotion is important right now and you're looking forward to spending more time with him when things calm down. Maybe mention a few things you're looking forward to doing with him when time allows.
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| When I was a much younger than I am now wife, I found that my resentful type feelings tended to come around the same "time of the month" and then they'd disappear for another, say, month or so. Not trying to be facetious or make light of the situation at all but am very serious. I commented on this post with a couple of other thoughts and then just had the realization of how I used to get into these really bad funks that were hormone related and how miserable I'd be. Just thought I'd throw the thought out there. | |
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Teen Advice Giver
| While I'm not married yet my SO that I've been with for years now, is an extremely hard working man. Most nights he will come home from work at 3:30, do all the outside yard work, and then has to go back to work at 8:30pm for 2 hours.. Then gets back up at 6 to work again. The only times I've been upset with him working so hard, was I felt bad for HIM. I worry about him getting the rest he needs, being to stressed, etc.
I would never feel bad about myself though. I work too but am fortunate to have a job that doesn't require anything outside of 9-5 Monday thru Friday. He also works most Saturday mornings to make extra money.
I love how hard working he is and I know that one day, when we have kids, he will pass that hardworking attitude on to them....and for that I'm so happy. | |
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