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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
  
| Grey divorce is when people 50 and older split the blanket and get divorced. Based on my experience with it so far, I am convinced that I wish my parents had gotten divorced when they were much, much younger. They would have had a better chance and more options for reestablishing themselves, and at 58 and 61, it's going to be tough. It's been taking a very heavy and surprising toll on me as well, as their only child, I'm 30. My experience so far has typical of this situation, according to Google results and the reading I've been doing: Both parents have tried to confide in me, use me for communication purposes, ask advice, and pull me to 'their' side. I've also been financially supportive as needed to a pretty big amount to stop the tears and desperate voices of both parents. I say that it's surprising, as I was always quite sure that they just needed to be apart. It's surprising because of the amount of weight I feel obliged to shoulder for them.
I'm not upset with either one because they're divorcing, or because of their reasons. I'm not upset at all with the divorce. I've known since I was a little kid that they shouldn't be together, sort of a Cold War scenario, I've never seen them fight, except a quick verbal spat once or twice. The atmosphere at the dinner table was always pretty interesting. I moved out when I was seventeen.
What is upsetting, is that I'm so worried about each of them, I'm upset at the emotional toll that each one is experiencing. I've felt terrible about setting boundaries for how much they can tell me about the other, I just couldn't handle all the negativity and emotion anymore. I'm worried sick about their futures. They're stuck in a circle of indecision about finances and futures right now, and answers that seem so obvious to me are something that they won't even consider. I've bowed out for the most part, and that upsets me the most! I feel like I've failed them for the first time in my life.
The only thing that's concrete is that they're separated, divorcing, and totally utterly lost as individuals. I wish they had gotten this over with a long time ago, decades ago. I'm chalking this up to a major life lesson: If you're not happy, change it! It's only going to get worse if you don't square up and take care of business. I think this applies to every facet of our lives. Pursue happiness. Don't settle, because it's sure to catch up to you. It will catch up to you, and it's sure to affect your loved ones as well , because they love you and only want to see you happy. Work, goals, marriage, all of our top priorities reflect back onto us and our most cherished. Don't forget that, and always always always work to make things better. |
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  Neat Freak
Posts: 11216
 
Location: Wonderful Wyoming | What you have explained, their feeling of being lost, I think is normal. At any age. I know my friends that divorced at 25 were the same way, they also had children. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Parents are supposed to be OUR rock, OUR support when we need it. It is tough to have to be the one shouldering all their burdons. It sounds like you respect both parents equally, just be there for them, but you are wise to not get too involved in the details. |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | I kind of understand where you're coming from. My parents don't have a good marriage after 42 years, and never did. (Deleted sordid details) God forbid I ever do or say such things to my own children...I wish I could bleach my brain. |
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Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| wyoming barrel racer - 2015-01-12 10:29 AM
What you have explained, their feeling of being lost, I think is normal. At any age. I know my friends that divorced at 25 were the same way, they also had children. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Parents are supposed to be OUR rock, OUR support when we need it. It is tough to have to be the one shouldering all their burdons. It sounds like you respect both parents equally, just be there for them, but you are wise to not get too involved in the details.
I'm definitely not saying that it's not normal. At any age. I just wish they'd done it at 25. Rebuilding and moving on are probably a lot more comprehensible at 25. I'd be less worried about them if they weren't feeling so...old, I guess. They're bound on a course to lose everything of an entire life's work.
I do love and respect both of then very much. I suppose it would be easier for me if I didn't.
Just keep moving forward! That's what I keep repeating to myself. :)
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Blessed 
Location: Here | One foot in front of the other tell them that too it sounds like simple advice but it works |
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Tried and True
Posts: 21185
Location: Where I am happiest |  |
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 Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | I hear you saying that you think their lives are over because of their ages. I was in their position. I stayed married to a man for 28 years who had problems with alcohol and prescription drug addiction. I stayed because I thought it was the right thing to do, to try and keep the family together. Looking back, it just prolonged the inevitable. I finally just couldnt take it anymore. When we divorced, I was in my mid fifties and my ex husband was 68. It was difficult at first, yes, you feel lost because you have known one way of life for so long. But I am now happily remarried and looking forward to the rest of my life with a loving husband. One thing I would suggest to your parents is that they sit down and hash out the division of their assets instead of fighting through their attorneys. The money they have they are not likely to be able to replace, so this would be beneficial to both of them. My ex and I did this and our divorce cost a total of 1500.00. If no children are involved, the courts will likely split assets 50/50. They could do this themselves and save a lot of heartache and money. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1440
Location: Texas | Prayers for sanity. I am sorry you are having to go through this. It is weird how growing up we always think of our parents one way and then in reality life changes and we the children are the voice of reason. It sounds like you have things under control As far as setting boundaries for them and what they share with you. I don't really have any advice as far as how what to do other than be as supportive emotionally as you can and try to be the voice of reason when it comes to future plans and trying to make things easier to move on. |
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Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Hollywood's Fan - 2015-01-12 12:06 PM
I hear you saying that you think their lives are over because of their ages. I was in their position. I stayed married to a man for 28 years who had problems with alcohol and prescription drug addiction. I stayed because I thought it was the right thing to do, to try and keep the family together. Looking back, it just prolonged the inevitable. I finally just couldnt take it anymore. When we divorced, I was in my mid fifties and my ex husband was 68. It was difficult at first, yes, you feel lost because you have known one way of life for so long. But I am now happily remarried and looking forward to the rest of my life with a loving husband. One thing I would suggest to your parents is that they sit down and hash out the division of their assets instead of fighting through their attorneys. The money they have they are not likely to be able to replace, so this would be beneficial to both of them. My ex and I did this and our divorce cost a total of 1500.00. If no children are involved, the courts will likely split assets 50/50. They could do this themselves and save a lot of heartache and money.
Thank you. If I conveyed that I think their life is over, that wasn't my intention. That's how both of them have said they are feeling, which is what makes me worry about their futures as individuals. It's hard on me to not be more helpful. I know this won't be all ending for either one, but it sure is nerve wracking waiting them out. I really feel for both of them, it's got to be tough knowing that you're going to start from scratch. How disappointing! Not to mention all the emotions flying around!
It's pretty tough feeling helpless to do anything for hurting parents. I wish I could help their pain and loss. I know tgeyre in mourning for the animals that went through the livestock auction last week, and worried about the other creatures that will need new homes too. It's just so hard!
I know this will work out for the better in the end. I'm glad you agree about not prolonging the inevitable! There's just no point, and it can end up being damaging for a lot of different people.
Here's to the hope that my folks can find the strength to pull it together and do well like you have. Thank you for the warm encouragement for them.
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Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| barrelbasher - 2015-01-12 12:38 PM
Prayers for sanity. I am sorry you are having to go through this. It is weird how growing up we always think of our parents one way and then in reality life changes and we the children are the voice of reason. It sounds like you have things under control As far as setting boundaries for them and what they share with you. I don't really have any advice as far as how what to do other than be as supportive emotionally as you can and try to be the voice of reason when it comes to future plans and trying to make things easier to move on.
Thank you!! It's kind of crazy, sometimes after they freak me out with a new installment, a little voice says this is probably karma for freaking then out so much in my late teens and early 20s. Sometimes I really wish that brain bleaching was an option. :)  |
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Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | I talked with my daughter before filing for a divorce and she was the one who encouraged me to do so. She didnt really take sides, IMO, there were no sides. His addiction was what made the relationship impossible, and that was a fact that everyone who knew us well was aware of. I was lucky in that he wasn't into horses and had no interest in trying to take mine from me. I kept the property too, he moved on. It was fortunate too, that we were able to come to an agreement on our own, as I stated above. Our divorce was final within 60 days of filing which made it easier on everyone. I don't want to give the impression that it was easy, because in spite of everything, it took an emotional toll. It's just something your parents are going to have to go through, you cannot take that pain from them. Tell them both that you love them and encourage them to come to a settlement they can both live with without fighting. That is the best you can do. I wish you all the best, just know that things will get better, it may just take a while. |
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 Money Eating Baggage Owner
Posts: 9586
Location: Phoenix | Omg I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. Dad left my mom for some bimbo who is half her age, twice her size and twice as dumb. And here I thought I would never be a child of divorce. I still haven't spoken to my father. It's been 3 months. He tries to reach out and I ignore him. I feel REALLY sorry for him, I pity him. I hate that I have to pity him. He has nothing. All his friends are disgusted with his actions, everyone is on my moms side. I just wish she could find a job close to where I love so she can start over. I just can't imagine being "broken up with" after 30 years of marriage. It makes me sick. :( |
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 pressure dripper
Posts: 8696
Location: the end of the rainbow | I'm sorry you are going through this. |
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Veteran
Posts: 146
| Be there for them if and when they need it. They are adults and will manage, they are probably more resilient than you think. If you are worried about financial struggles for both or either, sit down and talk with them individually or together; hopefully they will be able to come to a fair distribution of their assets and have some ideas on how to move forward.
Edited by 4Horse 2015-01-13 10:21 AM
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 BHW's Lance Armstrong
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | Here is the flip side. We had something very early in our marriage where we didn't recover and emotionally bond and become unified. And I made things a hell of a lot worse by not being a forgiving person. We just went through the motions. After 30 some years I called it quits. We were not mature enough to work together with this trial and in the long run has been devestating to our children that are all married and our family unit.
I definitely have learned the hard way that it is not easy and the grass is not green on the other side. Many times problems are exchanged for other problems.
I recently met with my wife of 30 some years and we talked and cried. I confessed my recent screw ups and apologized for not being forgiving because now I know what it is like to have to be forgiven. I didn't deal very well with a big trial in my life and have paid the consequences.
About the first of the year we started dating again and working together to fix our relationship and look to the future and put our family back together. Lots of hard work to do in the Gordon family. |
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