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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1034
 
| Chandler's Mom - 2015-09-20 11:44 PM
ThreeCorners - 2015-09-20 10:33 PM
You first and foremost have got to find a good babysitter. Thats number one!!!
#2) You need to have a date night at least every 3 weeks. AT LEAST. No excuses, dont let anything, and I mean anything get in the way of this alone time together. This is the first half of why you need to find a good baby sitter. I also agree with him that it isnt fair to ask his mom to have the kids ALL the time. I gaurantee you, someone in the dept either knows someone, or has a responsable young adult daughter.
#3, you deserve 2 weekends a month for time with your horse to go racing. If he's worried about spending to much money on it, open a seperate account for your horses. Feed, total care, and your racing comes out of that account. Money you win racing goes into that account. The second part of the babysitter, is if you have to, take the babysitter to ONE of your 2 weekends racing and pay her out of your horse account for the race.
You can work this out, but you have to balance it all out and get the you and hubby time in there without fail. You have to think of your husband and marriage as a garden, and no garden can grow and live without water and care. Time spent just the 2 of you, is watering and weeding that garden. Your time spent with your horses and racing, is your fertalizer so the garden can keep growing. We all need our "Me time". His me time is his hunting and fishing. Yours is your horses and racing. You dont take his time away or try to guilt him out of it, and he shouldnt do that to you.
You are so right. | |
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 Hog Tie My Mojo
Posts: 4847
  
Location: Opelousas, LA | Do you pay his Mom to watch your kids? Just wondering if the resentment is maybe coming more from her direction, you have extra money to barrel race because you don't have to pay child care? Not saying that is the issue, just a thought. I don't understand why he would agree that he wants the kids to ride and compete but is worried your hobby is going to bring you down financially. Having horses for multiple kids to compete on is not cheap, but honestly one more horse for you is not that big of deal in the long run. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 2097
Location: Deep South | HorseMommyFiveO - 2015-09-20 5:30 PM
dream_chaser - 2015-09-20 4:30 PM
So do you and him have outing together that don't involve horse/kids/kids related activity?
While I am all for spouses having a balance of their own hobbies and being FULLY supportive I also know men do enjoy feeling appreciated and having time alone with their spouse. I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like but that's my 2 cents.
Oh gosh I wish! We haven't had a meal without kids for over a year. His mom shares a property line with us and watches the kids while we work. He doesn't want to overburden her and ask for a date night. Even when I do, he finds a reason to veto. We just took a week off work for the soul purpose of spending time together and we didn't get away at all - even for lunch.
eta: I'm the one who always asks for time alone together. I think he is too worried about the kids and imposing on his mom. My family is 2+ hours away.
If i read it correctly, your total income is $200k+ a year.
Hire a sitter!
For fear of getting too personal...... Do you have a healthy sex life? You don't have to answer if you don't feel comfortable. Just know that when I fail to make time for intimacy with my husband, his frustration comes out in other areas of our life. He doesn't mean to do it, I don't think he even realizes he does it. But his temper certainly gets noticeably shorter, whereas he is normally a very laid back "go-with-the-flow" kind of guy. | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 129
Location: South | I grew up with horses and living on a farm and was always somewhere running barrels. When I met and married my husband I knew that things would slow down being that we both graduated college, had a farm, had other obligations. But he has never in the years we have been married told me I couldn't go. He understands that that is what I love to do, ride my horses and run barrels. He has his own hobbies: playing music, hunting, shooting his bow, and the list goes on and I always support him in that. You will find in a marriage that you need to support each others hobbies because like others have said that is who you are, and by understanding their hobbies you see who your spouse really is. You are there to share all those moments with them which is something one day you will look back on and remember.
My parents neglected their hobbies when my sister and I were kids, and when we both moved out. They were lost- they had nothing in common and had to kind of "start all over" again. They had neglected their relationship because they always were concerned with us and the farm. This is why my husband and I are so involved with each other- because we don't want our relationship to end up like my parents did.
I will tell you that we do have separated checking accounts. Which makes it easier for him to spend money on his hobbies, and my money on mine. Actually we very rarely fight about money.
I hope everything for you works out. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1034
| Barnmom - 2015-09-21 9:01 AM
Do you pay his Mom to watch your kids? Just wondering if the resentment is maybe coming more from her direction, you have extra money to barrel race because you don't have to pay child care? Not saying that is the issue, just a thought. I don't understand why he would agree that he wants the kids to ride and compete but is worried your hobby is going to bring you down financially. Having horses for multiple kids to compete on is not cheap, but honestly one more horse for you is not that big of deal in the long run.
No she would never take our money to watch the kids. There is no resentment from her - I can barely keep the kids away from her on my days off! Her only other grandkids are across the US so mine are all she has. She's recently retired and excited to be Grandma. She was a horsewoman herself before she had a gunshot wound (accidental) and two bad falls that ended in a TBI and a broken hip.
I think part of the disconnect from reality is that my hub was raised on a working ranch. They threw hay and gave wormer and trimmed their own, and if one didn't cut the mustard as a ranch horse they sent him down the road. No mares allowed and certainly no blankets or grain. His expectations are different. I run all mares and I'm a barrel racer so like the rest of you I baby my race mare with supplements and chiro/massage/etc. it's not exorbitant but she's treated nicer than a ranch gelding who earns his keep on the cheap or goes down the road
And the the gal who asked, we are just fine in the bedroom. More than fine. It's a high point. LOL! And *I'm* the one complaining about time alone.
He says he supports my barrel habit but then he says stuff like this every time I go. Maybe he expects me to be more like his Mom? She's a strong lady but she is much more submissive to his dad than I will ever be to him, and I've told him that. He always supported me in my struggles at work in a mans world, but I think he expects me to also be the doting house wife when I'm not at work (40+ hours).
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 Toastest with the Mostest
Posts: 5712
Location: That part of Texas | ThreeCorners already gave some great advice on handing the physical aspect of separating money and responsibility. My only advice to you is to go to counseling but doing it alone -- for yourself. You need to get to a position on your own were you have truly justified your hobby (i.e., life infusion/inspiration/inspiration to your kids) to yourself. You can't sell it to him until you've gotten 100% on board with it with you.
Every woman who is a mother fights this type of battle so you are not alone. Weighing responsibilities versus being "selfish" is a dagger for most women because it speaks to that part inside of us that would die for our kids and family and our worth as a woman if it looks like that commitment is even in question. That small voice inside that says "I also have a life and dreams though" is okay to have and it's okay for you to let it have a say in your life also. I think talking to a counselor on that issue/aspect of things would be well worth your money and time to do so. Having that "official stamp of approval" in your corner may make all the difference for you.
Also -- another way to look at it that I don't even like to think about -- is how you would feel if something happened to him and you are a single mom again. Would you still have those same feelings (let's say money still isn't an issue) about this issue? Chance are you probably would on some level. That's why I say this is something you need to get right with you more than a problem with him. Sell it and buy it yourself and he might go along with it once you are good.
Good luck -- I think you're worth it and worth the right to have this separate hobby. I grew up with two parents who did follow their dreams and left us kids at home a lot during the summer because they were rodeoing. We did just fine with our babysitters (who became like family to us) and we grew up respecting our parents as their own people with wishes, dreams and wants. It was a good life lesson to see in action and made us the people we are today.
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Red Bull Agressive
Posts: 5981
Location: North Dakota | HorseMommyFiveO - 2015-09-21 8:46 AM Chandler's Mom - 2015-09-20 11:44 PM ThreeCorners - 2015-09-20 10:33 PM You first and foremost have got to find a good babysitter. Thats number one!!!
#2) You need to have a date night at least every 3 weeks. AT LEAST. No excuses, dont let anything, and I mean anything get in the way of this alone time together. This is the first half of why you need to find a good baby sitter. I also agree with him that it isnt fair to ask his mom to have the kids ALL the time. I gaurantee you, someone in the dept either knows someone, or has a responsable young adult daughter.
#3, you deserve 2 weekends a month for time with your horse to go racing. If he's worried about spending to much money on it, open a seperate account for your horses. Feed, total care, and your racing comes out of that account. Money you win racing goes into that account. The second part of the babysitter, is if you have to, take the babysitter to ONE of your 2 weekends racing and pay her out of your horse account for the race.
You can work this out, but you have to balance it all out and get the you and hubby time in there without fail. You have to think of your husband and marriage as a garden, and no garden can grow and live without water and care. Time spent just the 2 of you, is watering and weeding that garden. Your time spent with your horses and racing, is your fertalizer so the garden can keep growing. We all need our "Me time". His me time is his hunting and fishing. Yours is your horses and racing. You dont take his time away or try to guilt him out of it, and he shouldnt do that to you.
You are so right.
I agree! Great advice! | |
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Expert
Posts: 1561
| If a guy spent as much time and money on hunting and fishing as the barrel racers I know, y'all would be singing a different tune.
FACT | |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| Itsme - 2015-09-21 3:36 PM
If a guy spent as much time and money on hunting and fishing as the barrel racers I know, y'all would be singing a different tune.
FACT
Down here in South Texas they do! Every weekend almost from now until January. Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve day. Corn, blinds ,groceries, gas, lease payments, it adds up. I don't complain. I LOVE venison. He doesn't complain when I barrel race either. Oh, I forgot dove season, too. I can't ride in the evenings because they are bird hunting where I ride.  | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1525
| I have been there and done that and it was horrible. Killed my confidence. I felt guilty even when I made and awesome run if I didnt pull a check. I left the driveway with a sense of failure because of all the pressure and all the negativity I knew that it would cause. I had a young (1 year old) that I had to take with me EVERYWHERE because he wouldnt watch her for a couple hours while I was at a race. Constanly having to find help was crazy. I made it work though. It was hard having fun, I'm sorry is all I can say. You need a hug. I hope you can work it out. I noticed that even if the issue would resolve for a couple weeks it would go back to negative eventually. We are divorced now. I do whatever I want. Go wherever I want. I have never been happier. He was a **** husband though...sounds like yours is alright...I guess you just have to decide if its worth it if things dont change. I will tell you that I always had a feeling that if I agreed not to run barrels that it was just going to be the FIRST thing that he asked me to quit...and I never gave him an inch because of it. I made my own money, my horses payed for themselves...and he still hated it. I would have never laid off even a weekend for him...I always feared as soon as I did he would ask me to quit something else.
Edited by MOTIVATED 2015-09-21 3:59 PM
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 Dog Resuce Agent
Posts: 3459
Location: southeast Texas | LOL I think the hunting and fishing guys spend way more money. At lest the guys at work do. One is out on vacation for a hunting trip in the mountains.
another one must be buying something expensive. His wife wants a new bed, and a brick wall in their home.
Edited by roxieannie 2015-09-21 4:12 PM
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1034
| Well the first thing he said when we got our fourth baby's due date was that it was right at the beginning of archery season for deer. And I just cancelled state finals I'm qualified for because it falls on #2's birthday.
He cooks 6 days a week, changes diapers, drives kids, helps with bath time and bed time and homework. He will haul hay and help with stalls if I'm behind. I only really have this issue with him. And it's strange. I brought it up and he says he wants me to pursue my passion and he supports me but then he says all this other stuff when the rubber hits the road.
I think he may be stressed because we are building a house and he is a true worry wart. I totally am the opposite. I think he's a doomsday prophet and he thinks I'm Pollyanna. I'm a realist who chooses to see the bright side. He expects the worst and forgets to hope for the best. It doesn't matter how much we save, it never seems to be enough. I think that may be a big part of it too. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 926
| BRLRCR1 - 2015-09-20 1:58 PM
I had horses when we met. My response when he started getting moody was "I had horses before I had you" and then he changed his tune a bit, lol...................Can I ask why you don't take your kids w/you?
I've posted this before. Met my wonderful husband of 40 years this December when I was very young, and had the same equine addiction I have today in my 60's. Told him that I loved him, and just wanted to be up front, if he ever felt he wanted me to choose between the horses and him, I'd understand, I'd help him pack, and we could still be friends....but the horses weren't going. It's been a passion since I could say 'horse' and that was almost 60 years ago. He loves to tell the story of our conversation all those years ago while he's at a barrel race....at the vet....to friends. You just have to be frank about your passion. Of course, I found a jewel...I hope you guys do as well. Oh and sex.....AWESOME!!!
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | chicks2 - 2015-09-21 8:44 PM
BRLRCR1 - 2015-09-20 1:58 PM
I had horses when we met. My response when he started getting moody was "I had horses before I had you" and then he changed his tune a bit, lol...................Can I ask why you don't take your kids w/you?
I've posted this before. Met my wonderful husband of 40 years this December when I was very young, and had the same equine addiction I have today in my 60's. Told him that I loved him, and just wanted to be up front, if he ever felt he wanted me to choose between the horses and him, I'd understand, I'd help him pack, and we could still be friends....but the horses weren't going. It's been a passion since I could say 'horse' and that was almost 60 years ago. He loves to tell the story of our conversation all those years ago while he's at a barrel race....at the vet....to friends. You just have to be frank about your passion. Of course, I found a jewel...I hope you guys do as well. Oh and sex.....AWESOME!!!
Well just rub it in why don't you?!!!! | |
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 The BHW Book Worm
Posts: 1768
| Just wanted to say thank you for what you do and I got your 6. My husband is a first year rooky as a sheriff and prior to that worked in a detention center for 3 years. We are in the worst paid area of the country and my family+ him urge me to be a stay at home mom to our 2 children. I'm a HORID house wife... I much rather have a job. I can take are of the kids and they are happy but my house is a disaster!! Before we got married i told him if you really want to marry me know that the horses come with it. It's everything to me. He agreed to it. I'm not joking I would say at least 35% of our income goes to horses. how I landed such a amazing man I have no clue. He has never been resentful but stressed at times because as we all know the horse addiction never ends and I have taste that far surpases my budget. I worship my husband though, as he worships me. I'm very sensitive to his feelings and I always make sure we do things together. It sounds like there is a line devided between you guys via your interests. You don't have to like each other's hobbies but deffenintly try to be present in them together. It sound like you have been married for much more than 6 years(my marrage) it's just what I see from reading. | |
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