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 Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
 
| My ex cheated on me with a girl at his work.... they still work together. Hes had no less than 8 women in his life since we split. The last crazy one had a huge issue with the girl at his job, I know this because she told me herself... at one of my sons baseball games. She said she caught him in a lie he told her she didnt work there anymore when in fact she still did. So I see hes still up to lying ways ... itll never change. The only advice I offered this woman, was Good luck. I blocked her on all social media ... we arent buddies. Shes chooses to stay with him, that's on her I'm not going to be her ear to vent to! | |
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Expert
Posts: 1314
Location: North Central Iowa Land of white frozen grass | I was going to comment on this thread and have decided to keep quiet. I am a 62 year old male and have been married to the wife for 37 years.. But I could tell you what goes on in the minds of most of the guys I have grown up with that have went thru a lot of divorces or affairs and why they happen. | |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
 
Location: Arkansas | BS Hauler - 2019-07-05 10:16 AM
I was going to comment on this thread and have decided to keep quiet. I am a 62 year old male and have been married to the wife for 37 years.. But I could tell you what goes on in the minds of most of the guys I have grown up with that have went thru a lot of divorces or affairs and why they happen.
I may be in the minority, but I'd love your input. . . | |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Chandler's Mom - 2019-07-05 12:48 PM
BS Hauler - 2019-07-05 10:16 AM
I was going to comment on this thread and have decided to keep quiet. I am a 62 year old male and have been married to the wife for 37 years.. But I could tell you what goes on in the minds of most of the guys I have grown up with that have went thru a lot of divorces or affairs and why they happen.
I may be in the minority, but I'd love your input. . .
I would love to hear it too, so please tell us Mr. BS  | |
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Nut Case Expert
Posts: 9305
Location: Tulsa, Ok | Southtxponygirl - 2019-07-04 2:58 PM DashNDustem - 2019-07-03 12:15 PM lonely va barrelxr - 2019-07-03 9:29 AM I've always been looked at like I was crazy for my opinion on this subject, but: 1. Humans are not born to be monogamous. This is proven scientifically. The vow of monogamy we take when we marry goes against everything hard wired in our brains. 2. Jealousy is second only to hate in emotional strength. Even love lags behind in this. 3. Insecurity is just behind the above emotions. So, my opinion is that there are many many worse things that can happen. If your hubb is a constant cheater that is one thing. But a one time thing with no permanent repercussions (making a child, disease) can be worked through. I'm not saying it would be easy. That jealousy thing is going to be there, and that is going to make you insecure. It would take the erring partner to do some penance to get past. It is worse if a partner is abusive, either physically or emotionally. It is worse if a partner stops being supportive. It is worse if a partner checks out emotionally from a relationship. There are many worse things that a partner can do. You will have to confront him. It won't be pretty. It won't be easy. But you have stated that your family is important so you do have some reason to try to get your hubb to work through this. However, if he tries to push it off on you in any way then you might have to take a look at him as a different person than you thought you married. You married someone who you thought/think will put forth great effort to stay together as a team and family leader. I wish you peace and patience. I wish you deep breaths when you'd rather rant and tear. I wish you all the positive thoughts that I can. I also agree with this. Humans are not naturally monogamous, That is why women can have multiple children. That is why men can produce mass amounts of semen, and can reproduce throughout their entire lives. This is why we date and can have multiple partners. That is why divorce exists. That is why there is such a thing as temptation. If we were naturally monogamous, we would have one partner, date one person, marry one person.. and if that person passed away or something happened to them.. then that would be it. It is survival that we are able to procreate and have multiple partners. There are very few animals in the world that are truly monogamous.. humans are not one of them. Monogamy is a very new concept for humans, due to societal norms. I only say this because I have studied it, and I work with people every day that have these types of issues. That is not saying I do not believe in being married to one person, but I'd be a fool to say that temptations and attraction to others do not exist. When it comes to your situation, I would say you can confront him, give him the opportunity to fess up to his mistake, tell him you have proof.. and if he still doesn't fess up, show the video. You can give the option to do therapy to fix your marriage, and if he still denies, drop him like a bad habit. Because if you decide to stay with him and he hasn't told you the truth, your trust in him will be gone and your relationship will have little meaning afterward. I understand that you have children but you have to put yourself first in this situation. You cannot protect your children, because if they get older and you hide this secret when you finally tell them at an older age after you finally divorce him and tell him why chances are your kids will probably not believe you because they will remember the picture you painted for them. I wish you the best in your health situation! Good luck! I just had to reread this, this is just so freaking weird that someone can really believe this.. I have been married to the same man for 39 years now, so I guess I would be the weird one as 1000.00's of others in your studys..What ever happen to love and honor, the one you love, in sickness and health? This new generation really puzzles me..  What a sad outlook on life, love and marriage.
Edited by SC Wrangler 2019-07-07 6:14 PM
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 898
Location: Idaho | Southtxponygirl - 2019-07-05 12:58 PM
DashNDustem - 2019-07-03 12:15 PM
lonely va barrelxr - 2019-07-03 9:29 AM
I've always been looked at like I was crazy for my opinion on this subject, but:
1. Humans are not born to be monogamous. This is proven scientifically. The vow of monogamy we take when we marry goes against everything hard wired in our brains.
2. Jealousy is second only to hate in emotional strength. Even love lags behind in this.
3. Insecurity is just behind the above emotions.
So, my opinion is that there are many many worse things that can happen. If your hubb is a constant cheater that is one thing. But a one time thing with no permanent repercussions (making a child, disease) can be worked through. I'm not saying it would be easy. That jealousy thing is going to be there, and that is going to make you insecure. It would take the erring partner to do some penance to get past.
It is worse if a partner is abusive, either physically or emotionally. It is worse if a partner stops being supportive. It is worse if a partner checks out emotionally from a relationship. There are many worse things that a partner can do.
You will have to confront him. It won't be pretty. It won't be easy. But you have stated that your family is important so you do have some reason to try to get your hubb to work through this. However, if he tries to push it off on you in any way then you might have to take a look at him as a different person than you thought you married. You married someone who you thought/think will put forth great effort to stay together as a team and family leader.
I wish you peace and patience. I wish you deep breaths when you'd rather rant and tear. I wish you all the positive thoughts that I can.
I also agree with this. Humans are not naturally monogamous, That is why women can have multiple children. That is why men can produce mass amounts of semen, and can reproduce throughout their entire lives. This is why we date and can have multiple partners. That is why divorce exists. That is why there is such a thing as temptation. If we were naturally monogamous, we would have one partner, date one person, marry one person.. and if that person passed away or something happened to them.. then that would be it. It is survival that we are able to procreate and have multiple partners. There are very few animals in the world that are truly monogamous.. humans are not one of them. Monogamy is a very new concept for humans, due to societal norms.
I only say this because I have studied it, and I work with people every day that have these types of issues. That is not saying I do not believe in being married to one person, but I'd be a fool to say that temptations and attraction to others do not exist.
When it comes to your situation, I would say you can confront him, give him the opportunity to fess up to his mistake, tell him you have proof.. and if he still doesn't fess up, show the video. You can give the option to do therapy to fix your marriage, and if he still denies, drop him like a bad habit. Because if you decide to stay with him and he hasn't told you the truth, your trust in him will be gone and your relationship will have little meaning afterward. I understand that you have children but you have to put yourself first in this situation. You cannot protect your children, because if they get older and you hide this secret when you finally tell them at an older age after you finally divorce him and tell him why chances are your kids will probably not believe you because they will remember the picture you painted for them.
I wish you the best in your health situation! Good luck!
I just had to reread this, this is just so freaking weird that someone can really believe this.. I have been married to the same man for 39 years now, so I guess I would be the weird one as 1000.00's of others in your studys..What ever happen to love and honor, the one you love, in sickness and health? This new generation really puzzles me..
I do not expect others to see human nature as I do because it is all based on the way we were raised. My parents were married 24 years before they divorced due to personal reasons. My father has since remarried, and my mother has not. My grandparents were married for 67 years before my grandfather passed away, and my grandmother has not been with anyone since. However, to say that I am wrong.. that I don't believe in love or the sanctity of marriage, all I have to say is, you really don't know me that well. Because I was taught the importance of marriage and how make it work. I waited 30 years to find my husband. I have been married one time and I am still married to that man. I knew the first moment I met him he was the man I was going to marry. We are loyal to each other, we make it worth even through the hard times. We enjoy and cherish the good times. We are supportive of one another. I am solely devoted to the love of my life. That being said, I study human psychology and behavior for my job. I have 2 degrees geared toward studying human behavior. Society tells you that yes, you need to be in love with one person, be with that one person. But not everyone in the world has the same ideals as you and I do. That's why there are people out there who do some pretty messed up things. I work with a lot of those people, but the reason a lot of people step out of those boundaries of marriage is that they are often missing something in their marriage. Maybe they get into an argument or fight and they didn't like the reaction they got.. so next time there is a problem, they don't say anything, and then it grows. Whether it be a lack of communication, something that is stirring insecurity and fear, not getting the attention that 'they' feel they need. Naturally, humans have "set" needs in order for them to be mentally and physically safe, emotionally loved, and engaged and that is after thousands of years of natural development. It has nothing to do with my 'generation,' because I have to have an open mind and see all points of views. I'm a realist, not a philanthropist. You may not like my view on things, but you don't have to. And to the OP, I apologize as I am not trying to hijack your thread. I am just responding to other posts. | |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 456
Location: SW MO | Topsey27 - 2019-07-02 7:00 PM
Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate all the well thought out responses.
I would never put it on social media because of my kids and his job. I know I'm angry but I just couldn't do it. Plus, she is a professional in this industry also and I am not sinking to that level with her either.
He cheated before we knew about needing the second mammogram and ultimately the biopsy. He has been kinder to me these last few weeks then he has in months, possibly years. I keep hoping his guilt will eat at him enough to make him fess up, that would make me feel so much better.
The video was taken by a co-worker of the woman who saw hubbs truck at her place and went to check it out since she had been doing him too. Apparently she is a whore with daddy issues and has been busy notching up her bedpost. Anyway, it was shown to me because I am one of very few women where I work, try to be super kind, and am liked and respected enough that they thought I should know. The guys that saw the video didn't come by this decision easily, it took a couple weeks. I am so thankful for them having my back even though it hurts and I don't think they are judging me although they might if I let it slide.
I am sure I am somewhat to blame because I've been a little distant lately, I just can't get over his addiction to social media and the fact he falls asleep on the couch every night scrolling through his phone. He doesn't really join in the evening chores, dinner or anything, then gets mad because I don't wake him up when I go to bed. He literally drives down the road scrolling through Facebook, I just don't get it. One of the reasons I was so angry about him spending time with this woman is that I was shocked he put down his phone for so long.
I am going to wait for the results to come in before I do anything, hopefully that will be tomorrow, other wise it won't be until next week. At first I wanted to pack his **** and drop it off at her house but I think I need a better plan, possibly talk to a counselor on my own and maybe a few attorneys too. What really has surprised me is that I haven't shed a single tear about this whole thing. Maybe it's coming, who knows?
I really appreciate all the responses and support, thank you so much!
OP- I am truly sorry to read that this has happened to you. As a child of divorce and infidelity, I want to give you my .02: + Step 1. Get your health business squared away. Do you have the resources to tackle a life-changing health issue on your own? Or do you need insurance from his side? + Step 2. Counseling for you by yourself. Your mental health is paramount. Right now, you are in the stages of grief. A professional can help you work through the emotions and allow you to make the best decisions for you and your child. + Step 3. Decide what type of life you want your child to grow up watching. Children, myself included growing up, watch everyone much more closely and imitate those behaviors more than you will ever know. What type of person do you want your child to be when they grow up and have their own relationships? Do you want them to have healthy, happy relationships or ones that are wrought with loss? + Step 4 (optional, if you're like me). Take your time and position yourself to remove yourself and your child from the situation. Work with an attorney, take everything you possibly can. Serve his a$$ some papers and work on building a better life and raising your child. Good luck | |
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