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 Expert
Posts: 1304
 
| I'm just looking for advice from those who have lost a parent/loved one or from those that have supported someone with this. One of my best friends, who is young and graduating college, her mom is dying from cancer..I don't think it will be too much longer that she's here...I've actually experienced both of my ex boyfriends each losing a parent (from surgery difficulty and a rare auto-immune disease) so I unfortunately and ironically have a little experience with it. That being said, I have never lost a parent so I will never know how it feels until I go through it. I also haven't helped a friend cope with it before. I feel like there are some differences with helping someone through this depending on the relationship because with a significant other you're generally with them most of the time, can do different things for them..the relationship is just plain different. How do you help a friend? I know what I can do for the most part but am feeling anxious because this person has already dealt with bouts of depression and I just want to be the most supportive that I can be. I'm afraid that she will potentially deal with it badly which is expected but I mean very badly...I don't want her to hurt herself as she has already shown this type of behavior in the past. Luckily she reaches out for help but I'm not with her 24/7 and we live about 20 minutes away from each other. I'm not trying be selfish, but am stressing about preparing for this and making sure she's okay. I am lucky enough to not have lost anyone super immediate in my family but this unfortunately is a reminder again of how short life is and that it's going to happen in my life when God plans for it to. Any advice? I've learned some of what I can do to be supportive and I feel like God has put me in lives of others to help them right when they need it. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | Don't try to say things to make them feel better, make a kind gesture, LISTEN to them talk. Make her dinner, try to help out so she is less stressed. just your presence and knowing she is thought about are the best gifts you can give.
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Be a friend, be there and lean an ear and a shoulder to cry on... 
Edited by Southtxponygirl 2016-10-17 4:25 PM
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 Having Smokin Bandits
Posts: 4572
 
Location: Woodstown, NJ | Wow! What a wonderful friend you are! I believe you HAVE been put here to comfort others!
Losing a mother is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. It is surreal. You almost feel like you've lost yourself. There is no one who knows you like your mother does. The death of a mother is barbaric. Even if you didn't have such a great mother. It is one of the greatest losses. And so she will need you. She's at one of the worst ages to lose a mother. She's old enough to know the permanence and importance of this, but not old enough to have had all the experiences we hope to have with our mothers--getting married, buying our first home, having children, even going through menopause. She will never be able to get on the phone and talk to her mother about these things and she's old enough to know it. I'm 56 and my mother has been dead for six years now and it's just starting to get better. That's how bad it is, losing your mother. So she will need you and you will need patience because she is going to need you for a long time. Some things that helped me:
We're always thinking of them anyway so don't be afraid to mention her mother. In fact, I love it when people mention my mother. Don't be afraid to talk about her mother unless she asks you not to. Be the safe place she can talk about her mother all she wants without the other person waiting to get in THEIR story. Listen and ask questions. She will love it that she can keep her mother alive in some small way by telling you about her.
Suggest she write down everything she can remember about her mother. Especially all the little sayings her mother had and the way she said things. It's therapuetic and later she will be grateful she has a record. I'm already forgetting things.
What was her mother like? It was important to my mother to be good. She was the one who stopped and helped someone broken down on the side of the road or befriended the one everyone else was ignoring. I keep my mother alive by doing the things SHE would do. Maybe there is something about her mother that she can do that her mother would like. That's how they live on. Through us! We may not see them anymore in the traditional sense, but they are here when they are in our hearts.
I am not religious so I was having a hard time handling my grief. If you're religious, you can say, "Oh, she's in Heaven, I'll see her again!" But I didn't get any comfort in that. So I read a lot of books about grief. None of them were really helpful except for this collection of essays called, "Loss of the Ground-Note, Women Writing About the Loss of Their Mothers." It is filled with all kinds of stories about all kinds of mothers and daughters and there will be something she will relate to. The women write about feeling cheated, it being unfair, being angry, feeling bad because they are not reacting the way someone thinks they should act, feeling shocked, not feeling anything, being glad it's over, wanting to die themselves, etc. I cried through the whole book and by the time I was halfway done, I felt something lift and that was the turning point in my grief. I give that book to a lot of women who have lost their mothers. You can find it on Amazon for about five bucks.
Tell her to look for signs. I may not be religious but I am spiritual and I got many signs. Speaking of that book, about three years after my mother died, I was lugging one of her suitcases up to my attic. It was filled with greeting cards that she had saved over the years and my father was cleaning out the house. I couldn't let them throw that away so I took it home. I didn't go through it. It was just a bunch of old cards. So I'm lugging it up the stairs, and I'm crying because I'm thinking of her, and something hard hits my calf. When I got to the landing, I unzipped the outer pouch and inside was that book! I sat down and opened it up. And inside was an inscription that I wrote to her about fifteen years earlier when her own mother died! I did not remember this at all! I did not remember the book or writing those comforting words to her! I put the suitcase away and started reading that book. I feel it was a message from her. She wanted me to find it. And so your friend will probably get signs and she should look for them and be open to them.
When she loses her mother, she will be out of her mind. Looking back, I feel I was mentally ill with grief. So don't expect her to act normally for a long time. It will get better. That's another thing I kept in mind. The human race wouldn't be here if we couldn't get through this. Somehow people get through it; we just have to find the way that works for us but it can be done and it does get better.
You are a doll. We should all have a friend like you. | |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 407
| Just try to be there afterwards like 2-3 months later. That is when the real pain sets in and when other friends and family have moved on with their own lives. They aren't being selfish but they do have to live too. | |
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 Balance Beam and more...
Posts: 11511
Location: 31 lengths farms | I can tell you from experience the random Tuesday or seeing a red sky or hearing a certain song on the radio are the hardest days. You prepare and protect yourself for the milestone days, the birthdays, the holidays, mother's day, etc. But not for a Patsy Cline song, not for a "I should call mom" moment, not for stepping out the front door and seeing a sun set and think "Oh mom would love this one!", those days are sucker punches. I think encouraging her to find or remember things that meant something to both of them that she can continue to do as a way to honor her mom are important. My mom had dementia, after she passed away I found an entire basket of little sketches she had done after she got sick and she was ashamed of her artwork because it didnt' look like her old watercolor paintings she used to do. Her little sketches are simple yet beautiful, I started a Monday post on Facebook called Mondays with Momma and I share one of her little sketches each Monday, funny how that one simple little thing gets my week off to a better start and so many people comment on them I'm thinking about putting a calendar together of her sketches to donate any proceeds to Alzheimers/Dementia Association in my mom's name.
Bless you for wanting to be on that support team, she will need you. | |
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  Ms. Marine
Posts: 4642
Location: Texas | The best thing you could do is simply be there for her, emotionally and physically. My best friend lost her father when we were Sophomores in high school and she went through many bouts of depression. Months afterwards, I would have to literally drag her out of her house and get her out in public, whether that was taking her to eat or just going to the park and walking around and chatting. She has told me since that I saved her life. It really is the little things like simply spending time with her that will help her the most. | |
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 The Bling Princess
Posts: 3411
Location: North Dakota | run n rate - 2016-10-18 5:23 PM I can tell you from experience the random Tuesday or seeing a red sky or hearing a certain song on the radio are the hardest days. You prepare and protect yourself for the milestone days, the birthdays, the holidays, mother's day, etc. But not for a Patsy Cline song, not for a "I should call mom" moment, not for stepping out the front door and seeing a sun set and think "Oh mom would love this one!", those days are sucker punches. I think encouraging her to find or remember things that meant something to both of them that she can continue to do as a way to honor her mom are important. My mom had dementia, after she passed away I found an entire basket of little sketches she had done after she got sick and she was ashamed of her artwork because it didnt' look like her old watercolor paintings she used to do. Her little sketches are simple yet beautiful, I started a Monday post on Facebook called Mondays with Momma and I share one of her little sketches each Monday, funny how that one simple little thing gets my week off to a better start and so many people comment on them I'm thinking about putting a calendar together of her sketches to donate any proceeds to Alzheimers/Dementia Association in my mom's name. Bless you for wanting to be on that support team, she will need you.
This a beautiful way to honor your mom's memory, so much so it brought me to tears. I lost my mom almost a year ago, on October 26th, after a lengthy battle with cancer. I'm already preparing myself for that day, but your right, you cannot prepare for those little moments. Those moments when their memory floods your entire being over something that you've seen, smelled, thought of, etc. They can feel like a sucker punch.
I don't really have any other suggestions to the OP that haven't already been brought up, but I can say from experience that I cherish those few girlfriends that helped me get through the passing of my mom and am forever grateful to them. She will need you and you are a blessing!! | |
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 Peat and Repeat
Posts: 2773
Location: IN MY OWN LITTLE WORLD AT LEAST THEY KNOW ME HERE | Here's my story---
4 yrs ago---My Dad had surgery to remove 2 hematomas on each frontal brain lobes. He didn't come out of surgery with full mental and physical as before. We had to put him n a nursing home.
My Mom grieved herself to death. She died 6 months later. I found her dead at home.
My Dad passed away 1 yr ago July 26.
We had time with somewhat to prepare ourselves with my Daddy as he declined.
As one who has dealt with finding and being w a parent in these times I can say neither is easy.
With my Mother? I was so mad... yes mad at her for just grieving herself away and not staying w us to carry on in this life.
It was so hard to deal with.
I didn't want to talk to anyone about her.
No phone calls no well meaning friends and church folks.
Her best friend would call even after she had been gone a yr and just start bringing up the past and just kept opening up my wounded heart.
I stopped answering her calls and she would leave tacky vm's
So I finally blocked her from my phone.
We had to sell their home and farm.
Going thru their things was just absolutely heartbreaking
And we all cried a lot those days.
My Daddy, God love him I know was left here for us as he was always our superman and rock.
Even when I needed him most God let me see the Daddy I grew up with if just for 10 minutes.
I made legal decisions and took care of all the sales and my Daddy's medical and financial for 3 yrs. I visited him 2-4 times a week for 3 yrs without fail.
I cried a lot and still do.
My Dad was a calf roper, trained horses, had stables, cattle, and taught me everything I know.
We had a close bond.
His death was a blessing for him as a man.
He never wanted to end up in a home.
He was a mans man. Strong virile intelligent kind and loving.
I couldn't talk about him for a while but had my little sister to talk to.
Oh things still trigger me to crying.
Oh there are days my heart and spirit just drags the ground.
You see I'm 58 yrs old and no matter how old or young the heart deals with death differently.
I'm sure your friend just needs you to be there.
Don't ask questions unless she offers.
She might just get mad at her Mom for dying.
I know I did.
Call her up and just say hey let's go get dinner or go shopping or just go get a Coke and drive the roads.
I had those kind of friends.
Those that over looked me being a mad beotch.
They just drug me out and we went barrel racing.
Few times I went down the alley and back crying my eyes out.
My friends met me out back n were just there.
We need that sometimes--:0)
Just knowing we are horrible and our hearts are on fire from grief and we just can't get passed it or know what to do with it or just how in the crap are we suppose to get thru this.
I prayed a lot and went to my arena and literally got down on my face in prayer. Most days I had no words.
Most I just ask God to send his Angels to keep me standing and moving forward to do what he have me do.
I had my own family and 3 grandbabies plus our farm to take care of.
I had to be strong thru all this.
Just listen and keep on calling her.
My walk has been 4 yrs and just now can I breathe.
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | Yakima - 2016-10-19 6:05 PM
Here's my story---
4 yrs ago---My Dad had surgery to remove 2 hematomas on each frontal brain lobes. He didn't come out of surgery with full mental and physical as before. We had to put him n a nursing home.
My Mom grieved herself to death. She died 6 months later. I found her dead at home.
My Dad passed away 1 yr ago July 26.
We had time with somewhat to prepare ourselves with my Daddy as he declined.
As one who has dealt with finding and being w a parent in these times I can say neither is easy.
With my Mother? I was so mad... yes mad at her for just grieving herself away and not staying w us to carry on in this life.
It was so hard to deal with.
I didn't want to talk to anyone about her.
No phone calls no well meaning friends and church folks.
Her best friend would call even after she had been gone a yr and just start bringing up the past and just kept opening up my wounded heart.
I stopped answering her calls and she would leave tacky vm's
So I finally blocked her from my phone.
We had to sell their home and farm.
Going thru their things was just absolutely heartbreaking
And we all cried a lot those days.
My Daddy, God love him I know was left here for us as he was always our superman and rock.
Even when I needed him most God let me see the Daddy I grew up with if just for 10 minutes.
I made legal decisions and took care of all the sales and my Daddy's medical and financial for 3 yrs. I visited him 2-4 times a week for 3 yrs without fail.
I cried a lot and still do.
My Dad was a calf roper, trained horses, had stables, cattle, and taught me everything I know.
We had a close bond.
His death was a blessing for him as a man.
He never wanted to end up in a home.
He was a mans man. Strong virile intelligent kind and loving.
I couldn't talk about him for a while but had my little sister to talk to.
Oh things still trigger me to crying.
Oh there are days my heart and spirit just drags the ground.
You see I'm 58 yrs old and no matter how old or young the heart deals with death differently.
I'm sure your friend just needs you to be there.
Don't ask questions unless she offers.
She might just get mad at her Mom for dying.
I know I did.
Call her up and just say hey let's go get dinner or go shopping or just go get a Coke and drive the roads.
I had those kind of friends.
Those that over looked me being a mad beotch.
They just drug me out and we went barrel racing.
Few times I went down the alley and back crying my eyes out.
My friends met me out back n were just there.
We need that sometimes--:0)
Just knowing we are horrible and our hearts are on fire from grief and we just can't get passed it or know what to do with it or just how in the crap are we suppose to get thru this.
I prayed a lot and went to my arena and literally got down on my face in prayer. Most days I had no words.
Most I just ask God to send his Angels to keep me standing and moving forward to do what he have me do.
I had my own family and 3 grandbabies plus our farm to take care of.
I had to be strong thru all this.
Just listen and keep on calling her.
My walk has been 4 yrs and just now can I breathe.
God bless you, this made me cry. I can't imagine. . . Hugs | |
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Veteran
Posts: 234
| Buy your friend and yourself a copy of When There Are No Words - finding your way to cope with loss and grief by Charlie Walton | |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| Thank you for all of the responses! I'm sorry to you all that have lost parents, etc. I can't imagine and it stings to think that it'll happen someday. You all have definitely mentioned things I need to keep in mind or do. When I've gone through rough times, I've found going to a counselor kind of helps and she's talked about wanting to do it but just never has so I'm going to encourage her to do that. It may help to start going now and get familiar with someone that she can also talk to throughout this process. I recognize that people visiting and doing things for others kind of tapers off as time goes on so I will try to really be there long after, as I've already planned to be since we're best friends. All of you guys have wonderful suggestions! I think she can walk early in December so her mom can see it, instead of waiting til May, but I'm afraid she won't last that long. We will see. Thank you guys | |
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Having Smokin Bandits
Posts: 4572
Location: Woodstown, NJ | run n rate - 2016-10-18 6:23 PM I can tell you from experience the random Tuesday or seeing a red sky or hearing a certain song on the radio are the hardest days. You prepare and protect yourself for the milestone days, the birthdays, the holidays, mother's day, etc. But not for a Patsy Cline song, not for a "I should call mom" moment, not for stepping out the front door and seeing a sun set and think "Oh mom would love this one!", those days are sucker punches. I think encouraging her to find or remember things that meant something to both of them that she can continue to do as a way to honor her mom are important. My mom had dementia, after she passed away I found an entire basket of little sketches she had done after she got sick and she was ashamed of her artwork because it didnt' look like her old watercolor paintings she used to do. Her little sketches are simple yet beautiful, I started a Monday post on Facebook called Mondays with Momma and I share one of her little sketches each Monday, funny how that one simple little thing gets my week off to a better start and so many people comment on them I'm thinking about putting a calendar together of her sketches to donate any proceeds to Alzheimers/Dementia Association in my mom's name. Bless you for wanting to be on that support team, she will need you.
Oh, you should do that. I bet those sketches are absolutely beautiful in their simplicity and innocence. | |
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