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Posts: 1482
  
Location: on my horse | I'll start off by saying that I'm not a push over but I really hate confrontation! Anyways I'm a broke college student so I live with a few other girls in a farm house because it's the only way I can afford to keep my horses with me and not board anymore... Long story short one of my roommates is really passive aggressive and is constantly causing problems from throwing out my food to letting my dog out of my room and out of the house to run wild by herself to watching me build an entire horse pen by myself and then tell me that where I built it is not going to work for her and her cows and trying to get me in trouble with the landlord (who I have approval from to build horse pens).
I've talked things through with her as far as not messing with my food and I've really made it clear that she isn't to mess with my dog and she is inside my room happily chewing on a bone and that I will be back to let her out in no more than three hours. I even asked her about the location of the pen before I built it to make sure she was ok with it and checked with property management as well. She just keeps at it!
My question is what else can I say or do besides really get in her face and be loud and pushy? Thanks for listening to my vent
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Posts: 4121
Location: SE Louisiana | Hang some signs...
surveillance cameras on premises.....
youtube stars wanted.. |
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Veteran
Posts: 165
| Does she treat the other girls like that too? If she does, you may have to have a meeting with all the roommates to ask her to respect you all. If she's just targeting you, you need to put her in her place as soon as possible. You don't have to be mean, be diplomatic, just tell her how you feel and that you don't appreciate being disrespected. Don't let it keep building up and festering until you finally blow up. That rarely ends well. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| Turn it around on her. Put all her food up in another place were she has to look for it. Leave the gate open to her cow pen. Go in her room and move everything around. Just kidding people like this will never understand what you are saying when you put it nicely. You will most likely have to get in her face to make a point. This is probably how she has always operated and she doesn't know how to act any different. |
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Expert
Posts: 1482
Location: on my horse | It's just me at this point, roommate number 2 is literally never here... I've been here for a while now and only seen her once, and roommate number 3 is loud and obnoxious and put her in her place before I even moved in. I get along with absent roommate and loud roommate just fine just not passive aggressive meany head roommate   |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 600
Location: Oklahoma & Texas | Kill her with kindness...she obviously isn't happy in her own life she's trying to bring you down with her...I would suggest some random acts of kindness..its hard having roomates and who knows maybe in some backwards way she feels like you haven't done her right in some way...not that its justified whats shes been doing but if you are going to live with her you'll have to learn to like her lol and as the saying goes keep your friends close and your enemies closer :) . |
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| I had a bad roommate problem and lemme tell ya..it got UGLY. I was in a position like you. We started to let this girl know that what she was doin we weren't comfortable with but it escalated because she wouldn't listen nor move out. It ended in court and we won, but my point is is that I'm not sure? And I'd like to hear what else others have to say about it! Lol. It went from me being nice, to me being assertive, to me getting crazy, and then me being a sneaky but kind biotch...and that's probably not how you should handle it  Hahaha. Good luck though, I know it's tough and good for you for stating your boundaries!! Maybe just somehow let her know you mean business. And can you lock your door? |
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Expert
Posts: 1482
Location: on my horse | I think I'm going to try a little of both tactics, kill her with kindness while at the same time letting her know that if she keeps it up I'm not afraid to get ugly (which I am she just doesn't have to know!) Also I can't lock my door but I think I have the dog issue solved at least for now because I gave her a rawhide bone and she growls every time the door opens because she thinks somebody is letting in another dog to take her bone lol but since then I haven't come home to her running around in our unfenced yard outside alone
I know bad bad bad doggy mom  letting her get away with it but she truly isn't aggressive and there aren't any kids around so I'm not worried about it she's a crotchety middle aged Kelpie anyway haha
Edited by redmansmyman11 2014-01-21 11:02 PM
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 503
| Look for a new one on Craigslist - we've had good luck there!
In all seriousness, I agree that you need to be assertive with her. If that doesn't work… Good luck. |
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Expert
Posts: 4121
Location: SE Louisiana | redmansmyman11 - 2014-01-21 11:00 PM
I think I'm going to try a little of both tactics, kill her with kindness while at the same time letting her know that if she keeps it up I'm not afraid to get ugly (which I am she just doesn't have to know! ) Also I can't lock my door but I think I have the dog issue solved at least for now because I gave her a rawhide bone and she growls every time the door opens because she thinks somebody is letting in another dog to take her bone lol but since then I haven't come home to her running around in our unfenced yard outside alone
I know bad bad bad doggy mom letting her get away with it but she truly isn't aggressive and there aren't any kids around so I'm not worried about it she's a crotchety middle aged Kelpie anyway haha
I just remembered... I used to know a lady that had some kind of alarm on her door... If it wiggled( like if someone knocked on it) The alarm would go off... but it was a recording of a dog that must have been 5 feet tall and related to a T-Rex... The barking made lots of people run for their lives for fear it would come right through the wooden door.
Edited by komet. 2014-01-21 11:07 PM
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Expert
Posts: 1482
Location: on my horse | komet. - 2014-01-21 10:06 PM
redmansmyman11 - 2014-01-21 11:00 PM
I think I'm going to try a little of both tactics, kill her with kindness while at the same time letting her know that if she keeps it up I'm not afraid to get ugly (which I am she just doesn't have to know! ) Also I can't lock my door but I think I have the dog issue solved at least for now because I gave her a rawhide bone and she growls every time the door opens because she thinks somebody is letting in another dog to take her bone lol but since then I haven't come home to her running around in our unfenced yard outside alone
I know bad bad bad doggy mom letting her get away with it but she truly isn't aggressive and there aren't any kids around so I'm not worried about it she's a crotchety middle aged Kelpie anyway haha
I just remembered... I used to know a lady that had some kind of alarm on her door... If it wiggled ( like if someone knocked on it ) The alarm would go off... but it was a recording of a dog that must have been 5 feet tall and related to a T-Rex... The barking made lots of people run for their lives for fear it would come right through the wooden door.
I NEED IT  |
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Expert
Posts: 3147
| Apartment size refrigerators are inexpensive and come with locks. Why can't you put a lock on your room? My son shared an apartment in college with three others. each had their own room and refrigerator with locks. They also had a common refrigerator, kitchen, etc. |
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 Not Afraid to Work
Posts: 4717
| I have very much been in your shoes!!!! I agree, put a lock on your door, they are easy enough to add and/or remove when you leave. I wouldnt be "confrontation" but speak the facts. You need to tell her flat out why you built the pen where and where you got approval and leave it at that. Not much she can do. As far as your food, I would also address that. You can find resolution without causing a fight. Sometimes people just need to know you're not a pushover. |
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I Really Love Jeans
Posts: 3173
Location: North Dakota | Get a lock for your door and when you leave or go outside padlock it. Its very easy just a few screws. Get a small fridge for your room, it is cheaper than moving out. Avoid her and if she gets in your face let her know you will break her face if she continues and it will stop it. If the landlord said you can put horse pens then thats all the permission you need. People like her got away with acting like that from a very young age so you will have to avoid it or move out! |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1066
| angelica - 2014-01-22 7:03 AM Get a lock for your door and when you leave or go outside padlock it. Its very easy just a few screws. Get a small fridge for your room, it is cheaper than moving out. Avoid her and if she gets in your face let her know you will break her face if she continues and it will stop it. If the landlord said you can put horse pens then thats all the permission you need. People like her got away with acting like that from a very young age so you will have to avoid it or move out!
This is definitely how I would deal with this... complete with the face breaking. lol. Probably not the best, but I guarantee if you get serious about it (and follow through if necessary) she'll cut the crap. |
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 Uh....never mind
Posts: 2696
Location: Midwest Farmer's Daughter: Central Illinois | I could spend all day telling you about the terrible roommates I had in college, but I won't, since literally it would take you all day to read the book.
Every one I had, I had to be straightforward & brutally honest. Bringing money into it will help. *evil smile*
- "I don't want you eating/moving/throwing out my food, period. If you continue to do so, I will give you a bill to repay me for it."
- "Landlord gave me permission to build the pens & you agreed. It's too bad you changed your mind but I'm not changing the pens unless you pay someone else to do it & do it right."
- "Do not go into my room. Do not open my door. Do not touch the doorknob. Do not talk to my dog through the door. If I come home & the dog is out again, I will file an official complaint with the landlord in writing & the next time will talk to the landlord about a fine."
- "If you have a problem with something I'm doing or have done, come straight to me. No more of this passive-aggressive stuff. I'm tired of it." If you straight call her out on it, she won't know what to do. I promise.
Also, look into your states laws re: landlord/tenant stuff. You can always scare her with random print-outs of individual laws that benefit you. *second evil smile*
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 Born not Made
Posts: 2937
Location: North Dakota | If she's passive agressive like this and doing things behind your back, chances are she doesn't like confrontation either.
So go confront her. When she lets your dog out, grab your dog, walk right up to her and ask her WHY she let your dog out when you told her not to. Get in her face and get an answer from her.
When she told you that the pen you built is in the wrong place, you should have walked right up to her face and told her: Well landlord XYZ said I could put it there so you'll have to take it up with him. And you could bring up that SHE said it was okay when you asked her last week.
If you call her out on every little thing she does passive agressive, she'll come to see that you aren't the one she should be messing with. She'll eventually get tired of doing things behind your back (because you confront her on them and make her give you an answer).
Don't shout in her face or anything extreme like that, but you need to let her know that you are not a push-over and her behavior will not be tolerated by you. Be loud and pushy. She needs to be put in her place. |
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Expert
Posts: 1482
Location: on my horse | Thanks for the great advice everybody  last night I went and talked to her again using some of all of your advice and I think we got some things cleared up, any more advice stories etc is definitely appreciated! |
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 Tough Patooty
Posts: 2615
Location: Sperry, OK | redmansmyman11 - 2014-01-21 9:48 PM It's just me at this point, roommate number 2 is literally never here... I've been here for a while now and only seen her once, and roommate number 3 is loud and obnoxious and put her in her place before I even moved in. I get along with absent roommate and loud roommate just fine just not passive aggressive meany head roommate
Here is your answer.. if roommate 3 put her in her place and has no issues with her since. You need to follow suite. Put her in her place and be done with it, she will continue as long as you are nice about... she thinks she has your bluff called and you won't do anything about it. It will only take once, people like this have no spine most of the time. Do it and be done. |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Boy this dont sound good at all, I would buy me a camper fridge for my room and keep my food there and all my other food, I sure would not want her to be messing with my food I would be worried that she would put junk in my food, and lock my door so she cant come into my room and let my dog out. You were saying something about her cattle I thought, does she have cattle here on the farm? And if the landlord says its ok to build then build your pens were ever they say its ok. Put wow what a pain to have to deal with. I would be watching out for other places that might come up for rent. |
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