|
|
  Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
 
Location: Buffalo, TX | wickedstepmother - 2015-02-26 9:02 AM Having been in your shoes and living in step family hell, there are so many red flags and you should really listen to everyone on this bored. With the exception of Cheryl, who's response went beyond direct to rude and frankly, as a longtime step mother, I am insulted by it. I do agree with her point though that we all have and that is to leave. But you won't. He is doing a bait and switch that you will see in hindsight someday. I really find it insulting when the sole responsibility for the man's poor behavior, ex wife's *****iness and jealousy, and the kids atrocious behavior falls on the shoulders of the new woman who usually wants nothing more than for this new family type unit to be successful. It's frankly repulsive to me that is the mainstream memtality of society. I won't go on, it's a subject I feel to strongly about to be nice. Good luck. Don't believe his cinderella story BS I promise you it's an act, and if you stay do not be a doormat for her and her children. It's UNfun. Trust me. I agree with this 100%....growing up in a dysfunctional family myself caused me many poor choices in my life, and no one could have told me different either when I was your age and knee deep in the middle of all of the drama.....with no positive role models, I saw things from a rosy perspective because I wanted so bad for things to be what I envisioned....
Looking back (I'm 65 now...ugh), I think it all taught me to be a better person in the long run, so you have to follow your own heart and learn the lessons along the way....if he's truly a good guy, it will all work out in the end and I hope it does for you....it will probably work out more in your favor if you can learn to let him deal with the ex and back away from any criticism of her at all (she is the kid's mom)....the more you force yourself to back off, the easier it will become....let your boyfriend see you as supportive and on his side as a team...I'll just tell you (and I'm embarrassed to say it, but maybe the truth here will help you and some good will come of it) but this was one lesson that took mistakes for me to learn, and it's a biggee....take it a day at a time, get through the part where you both really know each other well before you make any big life decisions like marriage or getting pregnant by him, and look down the road at least 6 more months of seeing it as a trial situation...see how it goes, you're young and you have time on your side, so no rush to make things what you want in the near future....time will always tell how things really are, so give it that time if you really think he's worth it....I can guarantee failure if you keep trying to control the relationship with his ex (financial or otherwise)....so sit back as an observer of that and watch but keep your emotions under control....if you really think he's that good of a guy, then trust him to act like one and handle things with the ex without your input....the only way it will work is if you can learn to accept the situation with her and see it for what it is and TRUST HIM....
edited to say the "but you won't" comment was the reason for my post...well said, wickedstepmother...
Edited by Cindy Hamilton 2015-02-26 9:58 AM
|
|
| |
|
 Sorry I don't have any advice
Posts: 1975
  
Location: Sunnyland Florida | There will always be a lot to handle mentally/emotionally with a man and children from another marriage. To enjoy your life to the fullest, you will have to learn to live with it (and not let it bother you), or move on. You will know the right decision before long and I wish you the best.
I totally agree with you regarding this quote from your post...... this infuriates me (and quite a few others that work full-time real jobs to support these people).
" She gets dramatically reduced rent from the state, free health ins, free after school care for them, reduced lunches but somehow manages to have nice clothes and drives an almost brand new car"
|
|
| |
|
Badonkadonk
Posts: 4189
Location: Mississippi | My thoughts on it are you are a new GF. You have no right to question his Financials unless you are footing his bills. It's his money. My husband would have sent me packing over that.You are not permanent. At 5 months you are still very temporary. The EX and the kids are permanent. Not you.If he is so good money wise why is he living with you instead of getting his own place? If I were the EX I'd be raising 10 kinds of H*LL but then both my husband and my custody papers contain the no cohabitation unless married clause.I am a step mom & my husband is now a step dad. I do NOT question what goes on with his daughters mother. I listen when he needs to talk & generally just worry about things like appointments and activities. We both work together to raise each others children and it isn't always easy or fun. But we set boundaries in the very beginning. |
|
| |
|
 BHW Cheerleader!!
Posts: 6847
Location: Where it is too cold, SD | My thoughts...............being I am one with a blended family/marriage.
** 99% sure that his child support payments were set by a judge/court and so there really is nothing that can be done about that.
** How she lives - works - and spends her money is frankly none of your business. Its very hard to go from a family to out on your own with two small children in so many ways. If she is getting some state assistance and is still working? Well more power to her. I myself did this when I first was divorced until I got my feet on the ground and got a better job.
** Of course she is going to look at you in that certain way - that was her husband and every single ex out there is going to do this. You are new and she is judging you as much as you are her.
** On the flip side of that - its great to hear that you are polite to her and that you don't say bad things about her in front of the kids. I get along with my husbands ex. When it comes to their daughters we do things together - such as graduations - proms - and now grandbabies. Not the same story with my ex's current wife? But that is from him creating unnecessary nonsense - 12 years later we can finally be civil but she doesn't come to my boys' functions. Which makes me feel bad because they like her and respect her.
** I don't exactly understand him paying her cell bill either...............but? if he feels its so he can keep in contact with the boys so be it for now. Once they get older I would imagine they would get their own phones and he won't pay hers. I do however don't see it as him spoiling her - I see it as him making sure he has access to his kids. Its hard on the parent that has gone from being full time daddy to every other weekend. Seems to me they over compensate with gifts - IE: the tablets.
** I think its only been 5 months - there is a lot to absorb in any relationship and when adding kids to the mix..........yowzers! I now know why I had a few friends that stayed single until their kids grew up. It was to avoid these types of issues.
** He is living with you because of an annoying roommate? that I find very weird?
** I suggest you also give him alone time with his kids when they come.................boys day out...........they really need that from their dad without you being around. And its nothing personal to you............but..........trust me! It is needed. |
|
| |
|
 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 302
Location: W. Pa. | Trust your gut feeling... If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck. |
|
| |
|
 Veteran
Posts: 188
Location: Under the Big Sky - Montana | I hope you find peace with this situation. My only suggestion is put the relationship on the backburner-step back out of the situation for a bit. Sometimes you see things more clearly when you aren't in the middle of it. Good Luck! |
|
| |
|
 Love Me Some Robert Redford
Posts: 2335
Location: WV | I read the post where you feel silly now for making such a big deal out of nothing. Glad your up for such a complex relationship at 26. I do wonder why he does not have his own place if he is financially able. He seems to be talking about big plans but is he able to follow up? There is sometimes big talk just to impress and no means of being able to make it happen. From only bits and pieces of the situations he seems to take care of his kids and that's good. His ex will always be there and it sounds like you may have accepted that but may not know what your getting into. If my kids were staying with a women my ex was living with only after a few months, I would be worried. Make sure your blinders are not on and you are fully seeing what is going on around you. This man should have his own place and pay his own bills even if you knew each other before you started dating. Your romantic relationship is still new and a lot of people are different in relationships than just being friends. This is only my opinion and wish you the best of luck and hope it all does really work out, if that's what you want.
Edited by mam0329 2015-02-28 3:51 PM
|
|
| |
Folks on-line