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Expert
Posts: 1531
  
Location: South | I'm going through an awful break up, and feel so lost and defeated. I feel so restless and can't stop blaming myself.Every morning I wake up thinking it's going to get easier, and it just doesnt. I don't have any closure and I know he's not willing to give it to me. We were together 2 years and planned on getting a house together and getting married.I broke up with him because he cheated. Not physically, but through photos.When I confronted him, he admitted to it with no remorse. This was a huge shock because I trusted him and thought he loved me. Turns out he didn't care?He told me I may have broken it off with him, but he didn't fight to keep me because we were constantly fighting and I was never satisfied. I apparently stressed him out. It just doesn't make sense, if he felt this way why didn't he break it off with me? He wasn't distant at all, still told me I was the love of his life, etc. He still wanted me over at his place every night.Now my mind is consumed by certain scenarios where maybe I did pick a fight, I don't want to admit I may be wrong. Do you really break up over fighting? Am I that exhausting and unsatisfied?I know I did the right thing, but why can't I focus on what he did wrong?I've been through heart break before, but nothing this debilitating.Any advice would be appreciated | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1037
| Sending you a PM. | |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9991
  
Location: Kansas | hugs. You can always PM me if you would like to let it all out, I've been there | |
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 Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
Location: Texas | Classic case of not accepting responsibility for his actions. Don't think he was ready for the next step and you made it easier for him to get out. You did the RIGHT THING. Don't blame yourself. It may have only been pictures now, but it would be more later.
Don't blame yourself. You are lucky to catch him before buying a house and saying "I do." Big hugs to you. Your older self will thank you when you find a man worthy of you.
For now, allow yourself to grieve the relationship. But don't wallow in sorrow over the loss of this toad. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| I promise it WILL get better. You may not see it now, but I promise it will. I went through something very similar in September and feel so happy now. Was with someone for almost four years, he wasn't trying anymore and didn't care, and dumped me out of nowhere with zero closure or reason. I met someone AMAZING and am much better off. You are better off. I know it hurts but God did this for a reason. It is NOT your fault. I felt like that for a long time and still for some reason catch myself blaming myself but snap out of it; it isn't your fault and don't let your mind or him tell you it is. He made his bed and he has to lie in it. He will come running back. It may be tomorrow or five years from now, but I highly recommend not trying again. I hate to be a negative Nancy but if he doesn't care now, the same thing could happen again. Not always, but it could and taking that chance isn't always worth it. I believe you're better off and you definitely will be better off in time. It takes time, you'll be ok I promise. Keep yourself busy, DON'T talk to him, and surround yourself with friends and have fun. I finally didn't let myself talk to him and moved on and it paid off. It hurts but you'll be fine. Hugs  | |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Sorry that your having a hard time, but all breakups are hard no matter who's to blame. Hugs and it will get better as time go's on. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | Oh honey... I've been there! We were together almost 4 years. He had another girl on the side THE WHOLE TIME.
When the right man comes along you will appreciate it so much more. Don't let him make your heart cold. Don't let him run your life and your thoughts. Don't let him make you unhappy.
It's hard, but focus on the good. Focus on all the time you have for YOU now. Do things that make YOU happy. The rest will come with time. For now, be content as a single woman. Improve yourself, love yourself, love your life. You'll miss all the freedom when you find another relationship. Look for supportive friends.
Oh, and don't forget to smile:) He'd kill to see you cry!! Hugs to you!  | |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| With each relationship I had/have, I do the same thing as you, I do the self reflection.
Please read through all with an open mind
Each relationship whether it being an intimate or a friendship is a learning experience.
We all need to grieve a loss, but I choose not to dwell on the negative (a relationship ending is a loss)
You say he won't give you closure, but it sounds like he did, just not what you wanted to hear, men handle their emotions much differently.
He said he was stressed, you guys fought (some guys think a fight is when a female doesn't agree with him resulting in lack of physical contact).
Sometimes people can be in love or love a person (these can have different meanings to each person) but still unable to comitt. Reasons being different goals in life, different priorities, different religion, culture, beliefs values.
Sadly he may have still loved you, and didn't want to be with you, and maintained the relationship because he didn't want to hurt you. This doesn't make it right, but a different view.
He said you were never satisfied. Men need to feel wanted, just like us, and need to feel appreciated just like us, I work a lot with families immediately after a delivery of a child, and I see this a lot. Sadly men don't tell you these things till it is almost irreparable. He may have felt inadequate.
I always try to make sure I show affection and appreciation, every time he buys dinner/lunch/etc, I make sure I thank him for it, this is a little jesture, but it show him I appreciate him, if he helps me with the horses, I say thanks, etc. This helps him feel needed, and appreciated.
The one problem I always fight with is the balance between horses and the relationship, I work a full time job, and the other half works a week on week off, so this is difficult to make time for him after I am done riding the 6 horses I should, and the daily chores. I try to make sure at least one day a week I am focused on him.
The reason I gave you this is not to place blame on yourself, but to also not blame him.
By blaming someone, you become the victim, without writing an essay this is hard to explain but the negative emotions can cause a physiological change that can affect your entire physical and mental well being.
Take this time to reflect back on the relationship
What you liked and what you didn't, make a mental note as this will help you weed through potential prospects
Reflect on your actions and inactions, don't get defensive, but look at what you are going to change about yourself for the better (we are constantly changing and none of us are perfect we can always grow)
Look at what you value, and prioritize what is most important to you, and what you are willing to place less emphasis on ( talking about, career versus family, location of residence, church do you value one over another, etc). Make a mental note of these as these will help weed out incompatible ones
None of this can be done over night, and it will take a lot of soul searching and honesty within yourself.
As others have said, take time for yourself, focus on positive things, go for a walk, jog, go to the gym when feeling blue, these will release endorphins making you feel better.
Lastly learn from this experience
I believe in god has a purpose for all of us, he had a purpose being in your life at this time, find the positive in this
Sorry had to edit for missing letters
Edited by cheryl makofka 2015-04-27 2:42 PM
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Expert
Posts: 1531
Location: South | cheryl makofka - 2015-04-27 2:39 PM
With each relationship I had/have, I do the same thing as you, I do the self reflection.
Please read through all with an open mind
Each relationship whether it being an intimate or a friendship is a learning experience.
We all need to grieve a loss, but I choose not to dwell on the negative (a relationship ending is a loss)
You say he won't give you closure, but it sounds like he did, just not what you wanted to hear, men handle their emotions much differently.
He said he was stressed, you guys fought (some guys think a fight is when a female doesn't agree with him resulting in lack of physical contact).
Sometimes people can be in love or love a person (these can have different meanings to each person) but still unable to comitt. Reasons being different goals in life, different priorities, different religion, culture, beliefs values.
Sadly he may have still loved you, and didn't want to be with you, and maintained the relationship because he didn't want to hurt you. This doesn't make it right, but a different view.
He said you were never satisfied. Men need to feel wanted, just like us, and need to feel appreciated just like us, I work a lot with families immediately after a delivery of a child, and I see this a lot. Sadly men don't tell you these things till it is almost irreparable. He may have felt inadequate.
I always try to make sure I show affection and appreciation, every time he buys dinner/lunch/etc, I make sure I thank him for it, this is a little jesture, but it show him I appreciate him, if he helps me with the horses, I say thanks, etc. This helps him feel needed, and appreciated.
The one problem I always fight with is the balance between horses and the relationship, I work a full time job, and the other half works a week on week off, so this is difficult to make time for him after I am done riding the 6 horses I should, and the daily chores. I try to make sure at least one day a week I am focused on him.
The reason I gave you this is not to place blame on yourself, but to also not blame him.
By blaming someone, you become the victim, without writing an essay this is hard to explain but the negative emotions can cause a physiological change that can affect your entire physical and mental well being.
Take this time to reflect back on the relationship
What you liked and what you didn't, make a mental note as this will help you weed through potential prospects
Reflect on your actions and inactions, don't get defensive, but look at what you are going to change about yourself for the better (we are constantly changing and none of us are perfect we can always grow)
Look at what you value, and prioritize what is most important to you, and what you are willing to place less emphasis on ( talking about, career versus family, location of residence, church do you value one over another, etc). Make a mental note of these as these will help weed out incompatible ones
None of this can be done over night, and it will take a lot of soul searching and honesty within yourself.
As others have said, take time for yourself, focus on positive things, go for a walk, jog, go to the gym when feeling blue, these will release endorphins making you feel better.
Lastly learn from this experience
I believe in god has a purpose for all of us, he had a purpose being in your life at this time, find the positive in this
Sorry had to edit for missing letters
Thank you.He did do a lot for me. He knew nothing about horses before he met me and he fixed my fence, fed them while I was at work etc. I always let him know I appreciated it because no one had ever done that for me. I think a lot of the problems arose with fighting is I would bring up something that bothered me, and he would get defensive and say I didn't like anything about him, and that I was trying to change him. I felt my arguments were valid, though. For example, I asked him if he would smoke outside instead of in the bedroom because I didn't like breathing it in. He used to go through my phone while I was sleeping, and I told him I didn't like it. I wasn't trying to change his character, I thought i was being reasonable.I guess I felt like after spending every day together for over 2 years, that I deserved more of an explanation, or even just "I never meant to hurt you." When I asked him why he didn't tell me he said "why would i, nothing happened from it." And just like that it was gone. I felt like he was perfect in so many respects, but I guess all those qualities don't matter if you're willing to cheat on someone.Not only did I feel betrayed that he committed those acts, but also extremely hurt that he didn't care when he was caught and that I broke up with him. | |
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 Money Eating Baggage Owner
Posts: 9586
Location: Phoenix | You did the right thing. My boyfriend knows I don't like the smell of smoke so he smokes outside, and always brushes his teeth afterward. It's a sign of respect. Going through your phone? Not Ok. Sounds like you avoided a disaster. Be glad that you got out now. You'll find someone else who will fix fences and help you out. Kudos for breaking up with him. It's hard but it's much better to be the dumper rather than the dumpee. At least YOU are in control of what is happening. Sounds overall like a lack of respect for you. Even though he did small, nice features, his true character shows by the other things he disregarded: the smoking, the phone...etc.... | |
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Location: Texas | You definitely made the right decision.
You knew what he did was wrong and he also knew it was wrong. But instead of owning up and apologizing, he turns it around on you because he wants to be the victim, not the 'bad guy'.
Your right, if you "stressed him out" and weren't "satisfied", then why did he stay with you or never address it prior to getting caught?
Do not blame yourself for another person's lack of respect, character or responsibility for their own actions.
It is natural to reflect on your own actions, but don't be too hard on yyourself. You can't go back and change anything you said, or did. Consider this a life lesson, not a mistake or regret. Life is entirely too short to dwell on the 'what if' and miss out on an opportunity to be happy. Keep your head up, have no regrets and always remember 'everything will be OK in the end, if everything isn't OK... it's not the end' | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | Sounds like he was sticking around for the sex. He sounds very self centered and selfish. Smoking in the bedroom despite your discomfort and requests not to do it...going through your phone behind your back and yet HE was the one being unfaithful. Just no care at all for your feelings. He stuck around because he was getting something out of it. Later when the photo girl was ready to give that to him...he'd likely leave...or string both of you along if that was better for him.
You need to realize that this guy was playing you. He had no remorse for what he was doing because he is doing what he pleases. You deserve so much better. Trust me...there are good guys out there. Don't waste another minute being sad for the loss of this guy. He showed you who he really is...now believe what he showed you and be glad you aren't wasting any more of your time with him. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1531
Location: South | TrailGirl - 2015-04-28 8:11 AM
Sounds like he was sticking around for the sex. He sounds very self centered and selfish. Smoking in the bedroom despite your discomfort and requests not to do it...going through your phone behind your back and yet HE was the one being unfaithful. Just no care at all for your feelings. He stuck around because he was getting something out of it. Later when the photo girl was ready to give that to him...he'd likely leave...or string both of you along if that was better for him.
You need to realize that this guy was playing you. He had no remorse for what he was doing because he is doing what he pleases. You deserve so much better. Trust me...there are good guys out there. Don't waste another minute being sad for the loss of this guy. He showed you who he really is...now believe what he showed you and be glad you aren't wasting any more of your time with him.
Unfortunately, it wasn't for the sex, lol. He had quit initiating a few months ago and when I noticed I brought it up a few times and he always told me he was stressed over his promotion at work, or he was getting older and didn't have the sex drive anymore. I genuinely believed him because his excuses were so elaborate and he even teared up once. He told me he'd make an effort and he'd try to every once and awhile but I could tell it wasn't genuine. When I brought it up again after another month has gone by he told me "you bringing it up isn't going to make me wanna do it, it's just gonna cause an argument and push me away." But again, I felt it shouldn't be an argument to bring it up. It bothered me, I started to feel unnatractive in his eyes and told him actions spoke louder than words..Then of course after I broke up with him a friend of his told me he told him it was because he was never in the mood because he was always still mad over fighting with me. | |
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 Get a Clue
Posts: 1228
Location: A Higher Elevation | Always remember & never forget, No matter what happens or what is said, it IS ALWAYS the man's fault.
That may sound facetious, or worse, but most of the time, it turns out true! I was married for 21+ years, and still parent with the man. It's turned out true 99.999% of the time!
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| I read your response but didn't quote it.
From your further explanation, it sounds like he had more demons then he was letting on.
Going through your phone, not respecting your space (smoking in bedroom), sounds like he had control issues, or a ton of insecurity.
People like this have a tendency to belittle, and chop away at someone's self esteem.
It ends up being a power trip, and it sounds like this is what he did to you at the end, by not giving you what you asked for, he has taken that power from you.
Learn from this, and don't let him control your thoughts any more, and don't let him control your emotions.
Take the power away, look at the positive, move forward with the new knowledge you have acquired about yourself, hold your head up high,
be proud of the strong beautiful woman you are | |
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 Dog Resuce Agent
Posts: 3459
Location: southeast Texas | Two reasons that I can think of when a man doesn't "want it" getting it somewhere else to a low T count. | |
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Red Bull Agressive
Posts: 5981
Location: North Dakota | Well...I say there's never just one person to blame in a relationship. Maybe you did pick a few too many fights, maybe it did stress him out. I don't know. BUT going and cheating was his choice, and it was a bad one. If he was so unhappy he should have ended it. He's probably embellishing so he doesn't have to take the responsibility for his actions. Don't be too hard on yourself. You did the right thing by dumping him so learn from the experience then put the past behind you. Easier said than done, but give yourself some time. Many hugs. It will get better. It always does. | |
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Boot Detective
Posts: 1898
| I don't know who you are so don't take anything I say personal. One thing that helps is to realize he is not the person you THOUGHT he was. He is not the man you were in love with, (as far as morals, character, respect). Be glad you avoided a disaster with him farther down the line. If he was hiding things and emotionally cheating via photos, he would have cheated on you sooner or later in every aspect. A lot of people will stay in a relationship with someone they don't even like or respect, just for the security that they have someone. Not saying that was your situation, but I see it all the time. Read up on psychopaths. They know all the right things to say and do to con you but they have no remorse for what they do. They can be the sweetest but actually most heartless people and they are smooth about it. I was very involved with one and he had me fooled for a long time. When I started seeing through all the lies, etc.....it was scary to realize I just THOUGHT I knew this person. He has fooled a lot of people over the years. Don't beat yourself up and don't overanalyze. You probably did nothing wrong. If you weren't happy with something he said or did, you should say something. If that led to disagreements, then there is your sign, he is the wrong guy. Try to spend time with your closest friends, go out and do things, keep yourself busy. As time goes by, you will start "seeing" him for who he truly was and then you will wonder WHAT did you ever see in him. LOL. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1531
Location: South | Thanks everyone!I appreciate everyone's kind words.I think I just needed to remember the BIG PICTURE. Nothing else matters, besides he cheated and I was smart enough to end it. And I think if he really loved me, he would have reassured me with all my concerns instead of simply not wanting to put up with it. Either way, it was a lose lose. | |
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Dog Resuce Agent
Posts: 3459
Location: southeast Texas | wwoodsbhorses - 2015-04-28 3:56 PM
Thanks everyone!I appreciate everyone's kind words.I think I just needed to remember the BIG PICTURE. Nothing else matters, besides he cheated and I was smart enough to end it. And I think if he really loved me, he would have reassured me with all my concerns instead of simply not wanting to put up with it. Either way, it was a lose lose.
Some psychopaths have learned the language of reassurance. They turn it around to where you are the crazy one for even thinking those thoughts.
Look at a mans actions, not his words. Words are nice but without the actions to follow them up, they are nothing but words. | |
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