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Expert
Posts: 1207
 
| I have lived and worked on farms my entire life. Plus when I was married I worked in town 8-5, then came home and worked on the farm also. I know things that have to be done at a certain time of year and all that, just saying he could be missing out on some fun times with his boy is all and when you want some mommy time it could be the perfect time for him to be with his child more. But I am sure you will get it sorted out. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
 
Location: The best kept secret in TX | Why not have "family time" at the trailer at a race?
Those are the memories I cherish more than the memories of my family sitting quietly in front of a tv, etc.
I remember my mom bringing dinner, my brother and his friends (fresh from baseball games) playing catch by the trailers and checking out all the girls there LOL
And I remember my Daddy propping up with his big Cigar in his mouth, his Raybans on, and his Rolling Stones and Lynyrd Skynrd blaring from the speakers of the truck. We had so much fun out there at the ropings and barrel races. That's the family time I will always cherish.
I wish you good luck and maybe one day your son will catch the bug too and want to start doing more horse related hobbies as well.  | |
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Veteran
Posts: 120
| Wow....I must live in a different world....... I believe marriage is two independent people that come together to enjoy life and raise a family together. Regardless of income, jobs....it is a 50/50 partnership. With that being said, I can't imagine someone telling me how "often" I can enjoy my hobby. Sounds to me like you are more than pulling your weight in the mommy department. Your also being very considerate of his time and don't seem to be obsessing over anything.
If my husband didn't support me, I would be out the door with my kid in hand and go by myself. Then sometimes he could take the kid and figure out how to get whatever work he wants done while hauling around the kid.....we do it..so can they.
I might sound harsh...but I just don't get this. :( | |
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  Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | It sounds like your husband has a great work ethic, but hasn't learned yet to balance it with anyone else's needs or desires.....I see it going one of 2 ways....either he resents you for having "fun" while he "works" (even on weekends) or he will loosen up a little and join you and your child at some barrel races for some relaxing down time where he can be your cheerleader.....
If you make time to condition your horse at home and haul a few times a month, that's not too much to ask of him....but if he starts to resent the time you spend away from doing "your part" for the cause at home, then it doesn't look good....you guys are young, and now is the time to have a heart to heart talk on the things that mean the most to you and hopefully work out a compromise where you both feel supported....it can't be a one way street, and if he turns out to be that rigid, then you have to decide if you want to sacrifice what you love to appease his desires....for me it would be "no way".....life is too short to look back and wish you had done things different....if he is as good hearted as you say, I predict he will love seeing you compete and root you on and make some fun family time out of it....good luck!  | |
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Veteran
Posts: 278
Location: Whitney, NE | Marriage counseling can actually be done with only one of the partners. If your habits, expectations and way of communicating change, than other things in your life will change too, such as the way others respond to you and the way you perceive situations. If your husband is uncomfortable going to a counselor, it could still be very beneficial to you to talk this out with a professional on your own. | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 929
| Wow...I guess I am lucky to have the opposite problem: all my family wants to do is rope and barrel race and nothing else gets done. My husband and daughter rope and I have time with baby, and my daughter and I barrel race and hubby has father/son time with baby. The problem is when we get home from roping and barrel racing there are still ranch chores, laundry, dinner, homework, etc and no one wants to help or do anything. I guess we all see the grass greener on the other side of the fence. Maybe my husband and yours should talk. LOL | |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | Blueridgedreaming - 2015-05-12 10:41 AM
alp341 - 2015-05-12 10:24 AM
Do you make enough to largely finance the barrel racing on your own? I guess if money is not an issue, I am confused on why he cares so much. Does he think it will be taking away time from the son? Do you work or stay home with him? Are you asking your husband to go with you and that's why he says once a month, or you just want to go and are not forcing him to come? That is a very tough situation.. When I first started my parentsink said 1 a month and all this and were against it...next thing I know theyre buying the big trailer and asking if theres a show this weekend... Ha.. So if he hasn't experienced you showing yet maybe he will get the bug but if he has and still feels this way... that's tough :(.. Do you already have a truck and trailer and facility built? Did you already buy a horse or just found one you liked.
Financially we are stable-we own our truck and trailer, both of which I paid for by myself before we got married. We currently own two horses-which I also paid for. Just trail horses. My husband likes to ride once in awhile and feeds the horses every morning. He just doesn't see going to a barrel race every other weekend as a healthy lifestyle. We own our farm also.
I work 2 days a week and stay home the rest of the week with my son (which I LOVE ). I own a couple farms out of state that we receive income off of so I still contribute to the budget along with my wage I make from working 2 days a week. I would prefer if my husband would come with OR stay home with our little man. He just says he has too much to do on the weekends, but wants me around to care for our little man.
The issue comes down to his viewpoint of barrel racing and how much of a priority it should take in a persons life. We have not bought a horse. I was just looking for one and had found one I liked-but started to question whether he would be supportive of me even taking the time to condition the horse and barrel race in general. I didn't want to spend the money buying a horse I was never going to get to use.
He does think barrel racing would take precious time away from our son and our family time together. I do feel slightly resentful and I feel my fire for barrel racing is being smothered.
What does he do on the weekends?
Ok just saw where that was answered. Seems to me that since he's a good man, once he sees how happy it makes you to go run AND spend time with him and the baby he'll get it. A happy momma/wife makes for a happy home. Hope all works out for y'all.
Edited by Chandler's Mom 2015-05-12 10:49 PM
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 590
Location: Austin, Texas, where it can get really weird!! | Not gonna sugar coat-
Sorry but that sounds like a bunch of fundamentalist -a woman has her place - BS.
Both your husband and his pastor would have the same view, and your making 1/2 the income? Exercise your horse w a baby monitor on and then grab a baby sitter for the day and go!!! Maybe find a responsible teen u can haul her horse and trade of the baby during warm up and runs (heard that works from moms on here). Honestly I would be telling this dude to get w the program or don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split ya!! Like another person said this is about control, take some back. | |
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I Really Love Jeans
Posts: 3173
Location: North Dakota | I have a none horsey husband also. If you let your husband he will make you feel guilty and as if you should always be locked in the house. Make sure your son is safe and ride and haul. Make some time on the weekends for your family but also live your life. SOOO many women let men change them and then they wake up one day 40 years old and don't even recognise themselves anymore! Make time for your family but also make enough time for YOU so you don't loose who you are. I take the children with me every time I ride, so he doesn't even have the chance to start complaining. If I can take four, you can take one! | |
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 Dancing in my Mind
Posts: 3062
Location: Eastern OH but my heart is in WV | OK I am just going to say this all the comments about you being in a controlling relationship just seem ridiculous to me and I hate when people come on here looking for advice and others go to immediately bashing the husband/SO....
I don't know you personally or your home life but I understand what you are trying to say about a Christian marriage and you both being raised differently. I sincerely wish my good friend was part of BHW because I know this has been a huge struggle for her over the years, however, she is a beautiful of example of making it all work.
Let me start by saying it WILL get easier as your child/ children get older. When they are young, it is about choices and more often then not you feel very tired and worn out at the end of a day. You wonder about time for your self and what about your dreams. It is ok to feel this way, it is going to happen. However, what else that is important is sitting down with your husband and explaining to him the importance of some "you" time. Time that you get to enjoy being you, not mom, not wife.... but you. Do this in a mutual way, during some time when it is just the two of you. Tell him you understand how important family life is but you also need time to recharge your batteries. Then talk about guidelines to start with for showing...how often, how far from home, budget... I always try to go into these conversations with facts. I would personally start with some smaller, local shows. Shows that you are only gone for the day and try to find shows that work around the church schedule. Ease him into it. If the concern is who is going to be who takes care of your son, have a family member already on stand by or someone willing to go to the shows with you. He is don't understand this lifestyle, he needs to be shown there can be balance. Keeping the horse in shape and legged up is going to be difficult but can be done with planning.
I know one thing my friend does is if she is gone for the weekend, she makes sure to also make time for a date night during the same week. Her family is young adults now, so it is easy for her to do this. Maybe, though you plan a special family time right before going to show though.
One thing I have learned as I age is that each stage of life comes with challenges and awards. I did not understand that as much when I was in your position/age. I faced the very struggle you are going through. My husband is not a bad, mean or abusive man by any means but he does not understand the commitment or money horses take. To him they are a hobby, you enjoy when you have time. To me they are a full time commitment that you make time for them. My heart use to long for barrel racing but my life was busy with young kids, work and home life. I DID ride and ran when I could but it was not enough for me. Then one day I woke up and my babies were not babies anymore and all the sudden it is easier to find time to ride/run with a balance... however, for ME I found it was no longer a priority either. My daughter has taken over the reins and I am loving being the rodeo mom. You may still find it very much a priority but it will be easier to balance.
I am not going to sit here and tell you there is going to be magic wond to making it all work. Pray about it and keep an open communication with your husband. Ask him to pray with you about it also. If he is completely closed minded about it, then ask him if you can both talk to your pastor. Our pastor is wonderful and very open minded to problems, hopeful yours is too. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 2128
| I havent read any other responses but here is my 2 cents. First off CONGRATS!! I have a daughter about the same age as your son. My first child as well. My husband and I both ride/compete in rodeo. I rode a lot before I had my daughter, but I ride more NOW....because I firmly believe you HAVE TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU!! Especially as a wife and mother when most of your time is spend caring for those around you. If barrel racing is your thing, do it! As long as it isnt causing you or your family financial trouble why not. It is hard trying to ride everyday. My husband put it to me this way (he is not always there to watch the baby while I ride) If you want to bad enough you will find a way to make it work. SOOO I take my baby to the arena, set her in a safe shaded place and ride. At the rodeos my husband and I switch out. Its not always easy but we make it happen. Like I said, its easy to be consumed in taking care of your loved ones, but try to spend a little time doing something you enjoy. Happy wife happy life right? :) Best of luck to you. | |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 385
Location: Texas Big Country | I have struggled with this all my life. I came from a farm background and when I was a teen our preacher had a whole sermon about how sinful it was to go to 4-H horse shows as I was sitting behind him facing the congregation from the choir loft where I sang every Sunday. Dreadful moment in life, took years to put behind me.
But I am not me, the me God made me to be, without horses. Oddly the barrel racing is part of who I am. I married and have one son. Great husband but love/hate for my horses all these years. Definately had many crushing arguments about horses taking time and money from our family, which if you do ANYTHING with a horse, Murphy's Law will make it as expensive and discouraging as possible when you are trying to fit it into your life without causing hurt. I think I made do by spending as little money as possible, earning that money for the horses by myself as much as possible. Limiting my time with the horses as much as I could, but working my butt of when I got the time. Bought two mares and raised my own colts, trained them myself and did most of my own vet and foot work. Not doing any fluff stuff. Never competing on a Sunday. Did the training at home with what I could make do with (sometimes using soapweeds for barrels and running up and down gullys to each soapweed, lol), so when and if I got the chance to go I had a fighting chance to win a check. 18 years I have worked to get to today. I had 2 wonderful horses I raised and trained die on me once they were ready to go,and another one got crippled just when he hit the 1D. Long story lots of chapters. Both his family and mine resented me having horses and could not understand how I "took" from our family.
But the point i want to make is that it took a lot of years, but I earned my husband's respect for what I need to do by not complaining, not fighting it, being totally honest about it, never sneaking or lying about it, and making sure I only rode when it was not a conflict with anything for the family. But all the time in the background I always hung on and worked at it at home like a crazy woman, even though I was never sure if it would lead to getting to go. I had to sell several horses I trained out in this time because I could not go on with them, but it helped to have the income from the sales to prove it was not just a "hobby". I had to sell my mares. But I hung on to 5 head and in the last two years I am beginning to live the dream. Our son is 18 and supports me doing what I love. My husband acknowledeged how I have worked and has turned around about 180 and now he believes in me and the dream and defends me before our extended families. I am running 1D in TX now on horses I raised and trained, after I raised and trained their mamas (and had two of their daddies) - all gone now. DOnt get me wrong he still thinks I need to sell one more - but I do! Lol!
So I am 58 years old and I am locked and loaded to do this yet. Keep your hand in it, learn learn learn all the time you are not getting to go. Cherish every moment with your child, because it will go fast and you dont want to miss it because you decided to be "you". keep yourself in shape and pray about it a lot. God put this in you, but you have to do it right to please Him. This has been my path. Not saying its the only way, or your way, but it has been a good way for me. If it is the plan for you, it will happen.
Sorry so long, hard to write it all out. Lots of hearbreak in those 25 years, but lots of blessing too. So glad I did it this way, but again I know its not for everyone. Just thought you might get some insight from my story. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it might be a long tunnel. But what will you lose if you choose to barrel race and lose your husband, maybe your child? What is most important in life? Only you know those answers and your own situation. None of us get out of here alive, so these decisions have a huge impact on the years we have here. Good luck. | |
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 The Vaccinator
Posts: 3810
Location: Slipping down the slope of old age. Boo hoo. | Was your husband's mother a stay at home take care of the family mom? He may expect you to mirror what his mom was / is. As someone else suggested -- counseling might help - NOT your pastor. Otherwise it appears you either have to accept the life you have or move on. Or figure out a way to do horses / barrel race without his support at all - and ignore his grumping. Good luck. | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 822
Location: Southwest New Mexico | It's not easy. I'm still trying to balance it all..I love riding and need it to stay sane...one time my non horsey husband came outside and handed me a crying baby wearing nothing but a diaper while I was on my horse! So my baby had his first horse ride and we both enjoyed it. Don't let him discourage you. And yes baby loves to watch me ride from the stroller trampoline or playpen just make sure he's safe and close you'll be fine... Another good option is riding when he sleeps. Mix it up do both and he will be happy (I mean baby) lol | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 512
| Thank you everyone for the awesome responses! I will write more tomorrow when I have access to a computer. My husband does work VERY hard and I think his intentions are good-he simply just doesn't understand the time commitment of barrel racing. My husband and son are priority but I love barrel racing too! I actually got up early this week and rode my trail horse some! I figured I could always exhibition him if we decided not to purchase a finished horse!
Someone had asked if his mom stayed home and no she did not. She worked full time but there family never did extravagant extracurricular activities. They lived a very simple life style.
Again, thank you for all the great responses! Will write more tomorrow! Appreciate you all! So encouraging! | |
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | crossarrowk - 2015-05-14 5:22 PM
I have struggled with this all my life. I came from a farm background and when I was a teen our preacher had a whole sermon about how sinful it was to go to 4-H horse shows as I was sitting behind him facing the congregation from the choir loft where I sang every Sunday. Dreadful moment in life, took years to put behind me.
But I am not me, the me God made me to be, without horses. Oddly the barrel racing is part of who I am. I married and have one son. Great husband but love/hate for my horses all these years. Definately had many crushing arguments about horses taking time and money from our family, which if you do ANYTHING with a horse, Murphy's Law will make it as expensive and discouraging as possible when you are trying to fit it into your life without causing hurt. I think I made do by spending as little money as possible, earning that money for the horses by myself as much as possible. Limiting my time with the horses as much as I could, but working my butt of when I got the time. Bought two mares and raised my own colts, trained them myself and did most of my own vet and foot work. Not doing any fluff stuff. Never competing on a Sunday. Did the training at home with what I could make do with (sometimes using soapweeds for barrels and running up and down gullys to each soapweed, lol), so when and if I got the chance to go I had a fighting chance to win a check. 18 years I have worked to get to today. I had 2 wonderful horses I raised and trained die on me once they were ready to go,and another one got crippled just when he hit the 1D. Long story lots of chapters. Both his family and mine resented me having horses and could not understand how I "took" from our family.
But the point i want to make is that it took a lot of years, but I earned my husband's respect for what I need to do by not complaining, not fighting it, being totally honest about it, never sneaking or lying about it, and making sure I only rode when it was not a conflict with anything for the family. But all the time in the background I always hung on and worked at it at home like a crazy woman, even though I was never sure if it would lead to getting to go. I had to sell several horses I trained out in this time because I could not go on with them, but it helped to have the income from the sales to prove it was not just a "hobby". I had to sell my mares. But I hung on to 5 head and in the last two years I am beginning to live the dream. Our son is 18 and supports me doing what I love. My husband acknowledeged how I have worked and has turned around about 180 and now he believes in me and the dream and defends me before our extended families. I am running 1D in TX now on horses I raised and trained, after I raised and trained their mamas (and had two of their daddies) - all gone now. DOnt get me wrong he still thinks I need to sell one more - but I do! Lol!
So I am 58 years old and I am locked and loaded to do this yet. Keep your hand in it, learn learn learn all the time you are not getting to go. Cherish every moment with your child, because it will go fast and you dont want to miss it because you decided to be "you". keep yourself in shape and pray about it a lot. God put this in you, but you have to do it right to please Him. This has been my path. Not saying its the only way, or your way, but it has been a good way for me. If it is the plan for you, it will happen.
Sorry so long, hard to write it all out. Lots of hearbreak in those 25 years, but lots of blessing too. So glad I did it this way, but again I know its not for everyone. Just thought you might get some insight from my story. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it might be a long tunnel. But what will you lose if you choose to barrel race and lose your husband, maybe your child? What is most important in life? Only you know those answers and your own situation. None of us get out of here alive, so these decisions have a huge impact on the years we have here. Good luck.
I just wanted to say "good for you" for hanging onto your dream and making it happen. I hope your time is NOW and it all works out for you and your horses | |
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Veteran
Posts: 113
| God puts these passions in our hearts for a reason. He doesn't want us to give up our dreams in devotion to Him, that is just silly. And you can be a good mother, barrel racer, wife, friend, Christian, etc etc. You don't have to choose one | |
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 Ima Non Controversial Girl
Posts: 4168
Location: where the wind blows | My heart honestly breaks for you reading this.
I was at a wedding last weekend and the pastor said during the ceremony that marriage is about supporting one another in their hobbies and passions. The bride is actually into western dressage and the pastor made special note that the groom was to support her in her horse dreams and passion and pursuits and that in turn she was to support her husband in his passions and hobbies of hunting, fishing and going to auction sales and buying junk (oops the pastor said - I mean antiques).
Some might say I am blessed as I have a husband who supports me 100%. But in all honesty I knew that he would be supportive before I married him or I wouldn't have. Just as I suspect he wouldn't have ever married me if I said I never wanted to have children or live on his family farm. There were discussions prior to ever saying I do.
Take this weekend for example. Today and tomorrow we are suppose to be branding and tatooing (postponed due to rain today). However I was also booked to be at a Quarter horse show trying to qualify for worlds. I was actually the one feeling bad about not being home to cook and help. My husband was totally fine with me being gone. I cooked up some chilli and beef on a bun for the crew to eat and he said they would manage just fine and not to worry about. But he knows and supports my dreams and one is to go to worlds this year. Unfortuanately my mare came up sore so I did stay home from the show and I'll be here for branding tomorrow.
Did you and your husband every talk about this before you were married? To me if you have a passion and dreams they should be part of the pre marriage conversation the same as kids, how many and finances.
My heart really does break for you and the many others like you. I have friends who walked away from their dreams because hubby wasn't supportive and I truly see regret and sadness in their eyes. My only advice would be to try councelling. Even on your own. Prayers to you. | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 385
Location: Texas Big Country | Thank you very much. I really appreciate it. I must say that it is all the sweeter for the wait. | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 234
Location: Oklahoma |
Well my situation is a little differnt as are family is a bunch of rodeo junkies, we are very involoved with out church too. My husband assisstant youth pastor and I also help out with events and the children in our church. I am obssed with horses and my husband fully supports that for me. I have been very blessed with that him letting me follow my dreams and being my biggest fan and support system. your not being a bad mom wanting to barrel race make it a family afair thats what we do. The whole family goes when we go to a rodeo its fun that way I love when were all togther and able to enjoy it. I dont think you should feel guility, if anything I would hope that your husbands supports you in your passions and encourges you to go and do something you enjoy. | |
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