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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
   
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | You sound really miserable. How long have you been married? Life is to darn short to be feeling this way, you need to have a talk with him and let him know that something has got to give and see were he stands in all this and let him know that you are thinking divorce is better then living the way you are now. You sound fairley young, do you work? | |
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 Toastest with the Mostest
Posts: 5712
Location: That part of Texas | Make an appointment with a local attorney to talk to him/her about your situation. If you have friends who have been through the process, you might want to ask around to find out who they used. If not, you might look in the phone book to see who all offers free consultations on divorces.
Don't be afraid to go talk to an attorney knowing that you may or may not be filing right now or even in the future. I can't tell you how many people I've talked to about possibly helping them with a divorce who never called back to get the process started. It doesn't make me mad one bit even though it took an hour away from my time and business because it's just part of the business when you are a family law attorney.
Make that call and get some answers. You will at least have the knowledge of what you'll be facing and what your options are. It's amazing how much better that will make you feel even if you don't act on it or want to wait a bit. I can't tell you how many people have talked to me and I didn't see them for months or even years later to complete the process. Everybody is different and there's no rush on stuff like this. You'll know when you reach the point where you personally feel like this is what you need to do . . . or that you don't want to do it. Good luck either way.  | |
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Member
Posts: 23
| I'm mid thirties. Been together 7 years married three. One of the biggest problems I face is that he is very verbal, borderline abusive with his words. He seems to think it's fine to ignore me or say hurtful things or treat me like an outsider to my own home. He is the type of person who can't see their own fault in a situation. Am I perfect, hell no. But I'd be a lot better wife if I want afraid to even have a conversation with him. He claims about lack of intimacy.. Can imagine why I don't feel loving.
I've become quiet as to not say wrong things. I avoid conflict and if I get mad, I never yell or get explosive with him. Yet I'm so terrible of a wife.
Sad thing is he treated his ex same way, knowing what I know now.
I don't want a divorce at all. But I don't think it matters what I want now. My heart says one thing, my head says another. And him, even if he doors suddenly feel remorseful, it will be for no more then one month and it will all flair up again. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
| troubledracer - 2015-06-29 12:07 PM
I'm mid thirties. Been together 7 years married three. One of the biggest problems I face is that he is very verbal, borderline abusive with his words. He seems to think it's fine to ignore me or say hurtful things or treat me like an outsider to my own home. He is the type of person who can't see their own fault in a situation. Am I perfect, hell no. But I'd be a lot better wife if I want afraid to even have a conversation with him. He claims about lack of intimacy.. Can imagine why I don't feel loving.
I've become quiet as to not say wrong things. I avoid conflict and if I get mad, I never yell or get explosive with him. Yet I'm so terrible of a wife.
Sad thing is he treated his ex same way, knowing what I know now.
I don't want a divorce at all. But I don't think it matters what I want now. My heart says one thing, my head says another. And him, even if he doors suddenly feel remorseful, it will be for no more then one month and it will all flair up again.
Wow! Sounds exactly like my psycho ex husband.. I kicked him out and divorced him.. I had to save myself before he had me beat down to nothing.. Very happy now and I feel very sorry for any woman that gets involved with that psycho loser.. | |
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 Shoot Yeah
Posts: 4273
Location: Where you need a paddle... Oregon! | My divorce was final last week - it took 6 months. It would have been quicker but there was disagreement on spousal support and the parenting plan.
I hired an attorney (although he wanted to handle the divorce himself and not hire attorneys). It was the best move I could make since he wanted everything and didn't want to pay spousal or child support.
I hired an attorney that a friend had used. My ex kept saying he was going to sell the house and I kept saying that one of us needed to keep it as it was our sons home. My ex wouldn't agree to the state calculator's amount of spousal (because he knew that with it I could keep the house) and we were scheduled to go to trial. In the final hour I found a rental that I could afford and that had property for my horse so I threw in the towel, knocked another $200 off his spousal and my attorney proposed it. He took the offer and, coincidentally kept the house, the dually, the lq trailer, the polaris ranger, etc. I had to decide that none of that mattered to me. I had to sell a horse. I now pull a crappy little 2-horse that my dad had "given" me a couple years ago with an older Expedition. But I pull a really nice horse out of that set-up so I'm happy to have it.
Your income has to be able to support the monthly expenses. Mine didn't, and I needed the spousal in order to pay the mortgage otherwise the judge wasn't going to support me getting the house.
Can you pay the mortgage? How many years have you been married? If there is a great disparity in your incomes, and if you've been married for over 10 years there will be some things in your favor (if your husband has a decent wage). My income is less than a third of what my husband makes. He was always the main wage earner, where I worked for the schools also, but only kept hours that enabled me to be a full-time parent to our son.
Even though I was the person who wanted the divorce I was in a deep, guilt-ridden, numbing fog for months. I felt hopeless and wasn't sure how I was going to support myself on $1200 a month (remember, my ex was going to handle our divorce and not pay spousal or child support). I was transferred back to a school that I had worked at for 5 years and became reaquainted with a lady I had worked with before. She helped me be strong. She had gone through a divorce the year prior and helped me sort through the complications by recommending her attorney and helping me gather all the paperwork and documentation that I needed. It was totally overwhelming!
Try to lean on friends and family who support you. I had "friends" who didn't. One even suggested that she start dating my ex and then "at least I'd know my son was taken care of". I am a good mother. I've always done the bulk of the parenting, driving around, arranging play dates, taking to birthday parties, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, taking care of the animals. I am a natural homemaker. My ex was suggesting that I rent a room in someone's house. There was no way in heck I was going to rent a room in someone's house. I'm almost 45. I have a 13 year old son. I needed a HOME where I could cook and where my son had a bedroom and it was a place he could feel at home.
You will need to be stronger than you think you are. I had to stand up to my ex in ways that I had never done before. I had to be smart. I had to exercise self control and instead of answering his questions when he asked them I'd have to say that I needed time to think about that - and then I'd do my research and I'd consult my attorney. I chose to communicate with him via texting. That gave me time to sort out my thoughts and it didn't allow him to corner me or cause me to have emotional reactions. When he was especially difficult, I simply said that I would let me attorney handle it. I kept everything about our son ALWAYS. I made all my decisions based on what was best for him. Everything I did I did in a way that I thought was best for him. I figured I couldn't go wrong there. I kept my inner circle very small and only communicated with people who I knew I could trust and who I knew supported my efforts. I had enough negativity in my life - I didn't need negative people. I refused several romantic suitors. I didn't have time for that and I didn't want to ever do anything that my ex could use against me. I still do not answer to men who have contacted me after learning that I am single.
You will get through this. If you have ONE good friend, you have enough. That was all I needed. My parents stepped up and have helped me tremendously also. There are good things in store for you. Be the best, most positive person you can be, but allow yourself to be human. You will feel weak. You will feel overwhelmed. You will feel alone. But you will survive. You will begin to feel stronger. You will begin to feel hopeful.
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1037
| Sorry my post is going to be a little on the different side, from the rest of the responses.
Do you feel as though you have tried EVERYTHING possible to save your marriage? If you have the slightest WANT TO for it to work and he does as well, please try EVERYTHING possible to make it last.
My husband and I have been through some very rough things in the last year and we are very lucky to have made it through that and we have become stronger (as individuals and a couple) even after all that has happened.
It has to be a mutual want, but we found out that we had to work on ourselves as individuals before we could work together to repair our relationship.
We have been married a little over 3 years as well, its still a transitioning period.
Brokenness and resentment towards each other can cause so many hurt feelings. We went through an 8 week class that showed us how to deal with our individual problems and then be able to communicate better as a couple. It was hard. Hard to open up to others about our problems, but doing it as individuals made us not rely on each other for that "perfect" answer, just REAL feelings.
From your initial post it sounds like you both lead separate lives, as far as hobbies go. Could you find common ground in something you like to do together? This has helped us so much, having a common interest.
I just don't know how I could go through a divorce knowing that deep down I wanted to try to work through the problems. Praying for you to find peace or answers in moving forward in whatever you decide.
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 Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | I agree with a previous post. Do ALL you can to save your marriage. Dr. Laura makes a good point when she says that there are only 3 legitimate reasons for divorce. 1. Infidelity. 2. Physical abuse. 3. Drug and/or alcohol abuse. Most anything else can be worked on and worked out. When you pray for things to change, then ask advice about getting a divorce, IMO it does not sound like you are doing enough to salvage your marriage. Forget about what he does at this point, change YOU. Go to counseling for you, and if he sees changes in you, he may change too. I have been divorced, but I stayed in the relationship for 28 years. It never was perfect, we had different interests, but I was constantly trying to find common ground. My husband committed 2 of the 3 offenses that Dr. Laura talks about. Our marriage ended because his addiction to alcohol and prescription drugs was stronger than any desire for a family relationship. No marriage is perfect, it takes work. Make sure you have done EVERYTHING in your power to make it work. Otherwise, even if you do leave, you will take your problems with you, and often people find in a new relationship what they were wanting to get away from in the old. Its because they didn't change themselves.
As far as the divorce, my ex husband and I sat down and drafted up our own settlement agreement. I bought him out of the house because I wanted to stay here. I cannot image that you have accumulated that much together since you have only been married 3 years. If you fight over what you do have, its likely most of what you have accumulated will be lost in attorney fees. You don't have any kids, so its just stuff you would be dividing. If the house would be the sticking point, its really not that difficult. Whoever wants to stay in it would pay 1/2 of any accumulated equity to the other person. (Have the house appraised to determine value.). The person staying in the house should get it refinanced. The one saying in the house simply buys the other one out. You have to get it refinanced to get the other person off of the mortgage. No matter what a divorce document says, both parties are responsible for the mortgage as they both originally signed for the loan, so it must be refinanced and that means whoever stays there will have to qualify for the loan on their own, using just their income, credit score and debt ratio. If neither could afford it on their own, then the property would have to be sold. If you can work out a financial agreement together, you will save thousands in attorney fees. We took our agreement to an attorney and he did the filing. Total cost was 1500.00. | |
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Member
Posts: 23
| No, we haven't done everything. I suggest counseling and he replied that $150 an hour won't change how we feel for each other. When it comes to it, he is very much a narcicist, he has serious anger/ mood issues. He is a person who went accept self blame. Everything has to be someone else's problem. I don't believe in divorce, so it has to be bad for me to even think it's an option. But if I stay, he's ruining me little by little. Crushes my confidence and self worth. It's just very draining. He's been similar to this forever so in told. I don't want to split up, but I'm afraid I've been a doormat to long | |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | TwistedK - 2015-06-29 8:06 AM
My divorce took 3 1/2 years to finalize. He thought if he ignored everything it would just go away. It was expensive, but I had a good attorney. I assumed the truck and trailer as we had a horse transportation company so I got to keep the rig. He was supposed to pay a portion of the attorney fees, never did. Medical debt on our daughter he refuses to pay and he's way behind in child support. The good thing is... I have SOLE custody of our daughter and he has no contact. He was abusive and an alcoholic so I did whatever I had to do to protect our daughter. It isn't easy. But I would recommend filing first. I've been told to put everything plus more you want and then settle in agreement over things.
My goodness this sounds so familiar. . . | |
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 A Barrel Of Monkeys
Posts: 12972
Location: Texas | Chandler's Mom - 2015-06-29 10:05 PM TwistedK - 2015-06-29 8:06 AM My divorce took 3 1/2 years to finalize. He thought if he ignored everything it would just go away. It was expensive, but I had a good attorney. I assumed the truck and trailer as we had a horse transportation company so I got to keep the rig. He was supposed to pay a portion of the attorney fees, never did. Medical debt on our daughter he refuses to pay and he's way behind in child support. The good thing is... I have SOLE custody of our daughter and he has no contact. He was abusive and an alcoholic so I did whatever I had to do to protect our daughter. It isn't easy. But I would recommend filing first. I've been told to put everything plus more you want and then settle in agreement over things. My goodness this sounds so familiar. . .
Me too. | |
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 Bulls Eye
Posts: 6443
Location: Oklahoma | Fun2Run - 2015-06-29 10:07 PM
Chandler's Mom - 2015-06-29 10:05 PM TwistedK - 2015-06-29 8:06 AM My divorce took 3 1/2 years to finalize. He thought if he ignored everything it would just go away. It was expensive, but I had a good attorney. I assumed the truck and trailer as we had a horse transportation company so I got to keep the rig. He was supposed to pay a portion of the attorney fees, never did. Medical debt on our daughter he refuses to pay and he's way behind in child support. The good thing is... I have SOLE custody of our daughter and he has no contact. He was abusive and an alcoholic so I did whatever I had to do to protect our daughter. It isn't easy. But I would recommend filing first. I've been told to put everything plus more you want and then settle in agreement over things. My goodness this sounds so familiar. . .
It's now been 6 years since he has seen or talked to our daughter. I'm remarried and my husband in all meaning is dad to my daughter. The divorce was the best thing I could've done. I got 2 great things out of my first marriage.... 1: One heck of a wedding party with family and friends that holds memories and 2: my daughter. | |
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Member
Posts: 23
| Thanks everyone | |
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