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Expert
Posts: 1477
  
Location: In the land of peanuts and cotton | Me and my S.O. have went through a rough 2 months. Not anything that really had to do with us but things going on in his family and mine. We have both been having problems at work. Along with some other personal stuff. Well this week has been horrible and we actually decided Tuesday to separate. Neither of us wanted to do it but we couldn't figure out what happened to us. We before all this we were the obnoxiously happy couple. Neither of us wanted to give up so we had a 2.5hr one on one conversation with no distractions and it got us no where. We was both about to give up when he said something we both picked up on when he said it. He said that making us time had become a chore with everything that had been going on. He said he felt like we had became an old married couple(no offence to the old married couples) and I hadn't really put a whole lot of thought into it but I actually agreed with him. We lost our spark. So my question is... How do we get the spark back? We are both far to young to be like the old married couple. | |
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 I hate cooking and cleaning
Posts: 3314
Location: Jersey Girl | Have you thought about couples counseling? Or maybe something as simple as to start a date night and make sure that date night is all about each other (leave cell phones and other distractions home) | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 372
| Try Redbull
it gives you wings
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 396
| :( . I don't have any suggestions but just wanted to chime in for support. I'm thinking about you. Marraige is not easy. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1477
Location: In the land of peanuts and cotton | arion - 2015-09-18 7:08 AM
Try Redbull
it gives you wings
Made me lol. I can tell you from experience... Red Bull does NOT give you wings. He works 80hrs a week some times more. He lives off Red Bull. | |
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 Not a Long Term Trail Rider
Posts: 3201
Location: Henryetta, OK | Sent you a PM. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1314
Location: North Central Iowa Land of white frozen grass | You need to divorce your family problems from your relationship. You are your own family now even though you are not married. Take care of yourselves and let them take care of themselves. Your familys think you are obligated to help them with their problems. You are not, Don't bring work problems home. After a while the other one doesn't want to hear it anymore and they will start to shy away from the other one because it becomes a pain to have to listen to it all the time. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1395
Location: Missouri | I'm sorry to hear this. Relationships can be so hard at times.
Like someone else suggested, have you considered couples counseling? Sometimes it's really great to have a truly unbiased 3rd party to help you sort through some issues and get back on the right track.
I do think you need to 'divorce' yourself from your family issues, like another mentioned. My DH and I have our fair share of extended family issues and so I can totally relate on how HARD it is and how it can eat at your relationship if you let it. Do your best to protect your immediate family - the two of you.
Lastly...and I'm not sure this will be a popular opinion or piece of advice...but this has been some of the greatest advice I've ever received. I hope it'll help you in some way too. Our culture tends to treat love mostly as a feeling. (Which is a lot of the reason we say it's something we can fall 'in' and 'out' of). The problem with feelings is they change from day to day/week to week, whathaveyou, and can depend on yor circumstances and what's going on around you. I'm not saying that feelings of being in love and having a spark are bad..not at all! But we're not always going to feel good about our SO/DH so what do we do? A few years ago my pastor's wife challenged me to make love a VERB. An action, a choice. That when I didn't feel good about my marriage, choose to love him anyway even if he wasn't being lovable or I didn't like him at that moment. I think what this looks like for everyone is different. For me, it was choosing to remind myself of one of his good qualities when I was feeling mad bc of his 'bad' ones. Sometimes it meant that I did nice things for him, or spent time with him doing something he wanted to do even when I didn't want to. And when I kept doing that, something neat happened, I started having nice feelings toward him again. I'm not super eloquent with words so I hope what I'm trying to say makes sense? If you love eachother as don't WANT to separate, I'd encourage you to make choices daily to do little things for eachother or what have you, and the spark may follow the choice.
Best of luck to you, I hope it all works out! | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1037
| First of all just wanted to say hugs to you and prayers for you to find the answers you are looking for and kudos to you both for WANTING to work on it. It seems so easy for everyone to just give up these days.
Is there anything that both of you love that you do together? If not, find that and build upon it. Even if its just a TV show you can both get excited about, real conversation can stem from that.
We have a rule when we are eating dinner together no to have our phones, and it really does help to have that intimate time and not focused on something else. With constant work emails and that dreaded Facebook distraction its nice to put the phone down for an hour each day. Both of these are just simple things, but its the simple things that make a HUGE difference.
I know people hate to hear it, but marriage is hard work. But its the most important job you have and should be priority over everything else. I know my husband and I have worked through some serious issues in the past year and have become so much stronger through it all. Dont loose faith in each other. The best advice of all I can give is dont give up.
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 Hog Tie My Mojo
Posts: 4847
Location: Opelousas, LA | MOGirl07 - 2015-09-18 9:16 AM I'm sorry to hear this. Relationships can be so hard at times. Like someone else suggested, have you considered couples counseling? Sometimes it's really great to have a truly unbiased 3rd party to help you sort through some issues and get back on the right track. I do think you need to 'divorce' yourself from your family issues, like another mentioned. My DH and I have our fair share of extended family issues and so I can totally relate on how HARD it is and how it can eat at your relationship if you let it. Do your best to protect your immediate family - the two of you. Lastly...and I'm not sure this will be a popular opinion or piece of advice...but this has been some of the greatest advice I've ever received. I hope it'll help you in some way too. Our culture tends to treat love mostly as a feeling. (Which is a lot of the reason we say it's something we can fall 'in' and 'out' of). The problem with feelings is they change from day to day/week to week, whathaveyou, and can depend on yor circumstances and what's going on around you. I'm not saying that feelings of being in love and having a spark are bad..not at all! But we're not always going to feel good about our SO/DH so what do we do? A few years ago my pastor's wife challenged me to make love a VERB. An action, a choice. That when I didn't feel good about my marriage, choose to love him anyway even if he wasn't being lovable or I didn't like him at that moment. I think what this looks like for everyone is different. For me, it was choosing to remind myself of one of his good qualities when I was feeling mad bc of his 'bad' ones. Sometimes it meant that I did nice things for him, or spent time with him doing something he wanted to do even when I didn't want to. And when I kept doing that, something neat happened, I started having nice feelings toward him again. I'm not super eloquent with words so I hope what I'm trying to say makes sense? If you love eachother as don't WANT to separate, I'd encourage you to make choices daily to do little things for eachother or what have you, and the spark may follow the choice. Best of luck to you, I hope it all works out!
This is really good advice, just wanted to add one thing. If you had time to talk for 2.5 hours, you had plenty of uninterruped time to have sex. I am 43 and have been married for 21 years, if you want to make it to be an old married couple, you have to make "quality time" together a priority, no matter what.
My husband is a HS football coach, I have taken over the horse business, we have two kids, are starting a new business and my husband still shoes or trims every horse on the place, all 30 of them. Trust me when I say we stay busy and are tired most of the time. We don't do date nights, we get the chores done, kids to bed and lock the bedroom door and take it from there. Sex is the absolute best stress relief, creates all the good bonding hormones and the more you do it, the more you want to do it. Make time for it 3-4 times this week and see how you both feel about the relationship this time next week. It also never hurts to just randomly grab his butt and kiss him like you mean it and that takes no time at all.
Sometimes talking is way overrated, best of luck to you.
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 Veteran
Posts: 129
Location: South | First of all I would like to say it happens in every relationship what you are you SO are going through. I have been married for 3 years, we have been together 6. We both have professional careers, a farm, and family struggles to. One thing we have had to establish is designated "date night". This is certain nights every week or every other week for us to spend time together. Either we go to eat, go out to a movie something like that. It is time were we focus on US-not the family, farm, work, and no phones (surfing on Facebook, texting). It has helped tremendously with our relationship. Maybe that is something you can try too? | |
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Regular
Posts: 57
| MOGirl07 - 2015-09-18 10:16 AM
I'm sorry to hear this. Relationships can be so hard at times.
Like someone else suggested, have you considered couples counseling? Sometimes it's really great to have a truly unbiased 3rd party to help you sort through some issues and get back on the right track.
I do think you need to 'divorce' yourself from your family issues, like another mentioned. My DH and I have our fair share of extended family issues and so I can totally relate on how HARD it is and how it can eat at your relationship if you let it. Do your best to protect your immediate family - the two of you.
Lastly...and I'm not sure this will be a popular opinion or piece of advice...but this has been some of the greatest advice I've ever received. I hope it'll help you in some way too. Our culture tends to treat love mostly as a feeling. (Which is a lot of the reason we say it's something we can fall 'in' and 'out' of). The problem with feelings is they change from day to day/week to week, whathaveyou, and can depend on yor circumstances and what's going on around you. I'm not saying that feelings of being in love and having a spark are bad..not at all! But we're not always going to feel good about our SO/DH so what do we do? A few years ago my pastor's wife challenged me to make love a VERB. An action, a choice. That when I didn't feel good about my marriage, choose to love him anyway even if he wasn't being lovable or I didn't like him at that moment. I think what this looks like for everyone is different. For me, it was choosing to remind myself of one of his good qualities when I was feeling mad bc of his 'bad' ones. Sometimes it meant that I did nice things for him, or spent time with him doing something he wanted to do even when I didn't want to. And when I kept doing that, something neat happened, I started having nice feelings toward him again. I'm not super eloquent with words so I hope what I'm trying to say makes sense? If you love eachother as don't WANT to separate, I'd encourage you to make choices daily to do little things for eachother or what have you, and the spark may follow the choice.
Best of luck to you, I hope it all works out!
This is exactly what I do when my DH and I are going through a rough time! We also have family issues (Who doesn't at one time or another?), but we always work through it.. I know for me personally there are days when I would love to just slap him! But if you can look for something you love about him, and only focus on those things it will get easier. The more you focus on the bad the more bad you see. When we start going through a rough patch I look at myself and how I've been acting. Maybe I'm being unlovable, maybe I've been complaining about things too much so he's avoiding me. If you can work on yourself sometimes it starts changing how the other person acting too.
We also try to do a date night like twice a month. With our son, careers, and hobbies it's hard to find time with just you two, but it can be done if you want to. It just takes effort.
We are also very young, I was 14 and he 16 when we got together, we've been together 8 years total and married one. It's hard at times, for everyone. And it definitely takes both of you wanting to change whatever needs changed to make it work.
I'll be praying for you, I hope you two can work it out!
Edited by rachellanae 2015-09-18 1:40 PM
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 Own It and Move On
Location: The edge of no where | OK - Aren't you about 20ish and living at home? This is a guy you've been with since maybe April? I kinda remember you posting about some guy this spring as your first 'serious' boyfriend? Is this the same guy?
Honestly, as young as you are.... somethings aren't meant to be. It's not that big of a deal, just carry on. IF ya'll were married, or been together for years, or even a bit older...I'd think counseling would be a great option. If you don't think there's a spark at this point, then just move on. It happens.
Edited by MS2011 2015-09-18 2:21 PM
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| MS2011 - 2015-09-18 2:20 PM
OK - Aren't you about 20ish and living at home? This is a guy you've been with since maybe April? I kinda remember you posting about some guy this spring as your first 'serious' boyfriend? Is this the same guy?
Honestly, as young as you are.... somethings aren't meant to be. It's not that big of a deal, just carry on. IF ya'll were married, or been together for years, or even a bit older...I'd think counseling would be a great option. If you don't think there's a spark at this point, then just move on. It happens.
What MS said X1000. Let it die. | |
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 BHW New Catch of the Day
Posts: 9884
Location: Missouri | This is really good advice, just wanted to add one thing. If you had time to talk for 2.5 hours, you had plenty of uninterruped time to have sex. I am 43 and have been married for 21 years, if you want to make it to be an old married couple, you have to make "quality time" together a priority, no matter what.
My husband is a HS football coach, I have taken over the horse business, we have two kids, are starting a new business and my husband still shoes or trims every horse on the place, all 30 of them. Trust me when I say we stay busy and are tired most of the time. We don't do date nights, we get the chores done, kids to bed and lock the bedroom door and take it from there. Sex is the absolute best stress relief, creates all the good bonding hormones and the more you do it, the more you want to do it. Make time for it 3-4 times this week and see how you both feel about the relationship this time next week. It also never hurts to just randomly grab his butt and kiss him like you mean it and that takes no time at all.
Sometimes talking is way overrated, best of luck to you.
Lmao omg I'm 54 and I just don't feel like it! Not even 3-4 times a month! LOL You go girl! | |
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 Expert
Posts: 2097
Location: Deep South | MS2011 - 2015-09-18 2:20 PM
OK - Aren't you about 20ish and living at home? This is a guy you've been with since maybe April? I kinda remember you posting about some guy this spring as your first 'serious' boyfriend? Is this the same guy?
Honestly, as young as you are.... somethings aren't meant to be. It's not that big of a deal, just carry on. IF ya'll were married, or been together for years, or even a bit older...I'd think counseling would be a great option. If you don't think there's a spark at this point, then just move on. It happens.
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