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Elite Veteran
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| I am needing some advice/moral support here. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and have a son together. Earlier this year we moved to my mom’s land (she and my dad divorced and she can’t keep up the place by herself) Things have been stressful and we’ve been arguing/fighting a lot lately. My problem is he’s been taking it out on me, I can’t do anything right, speaking disrespectfully, arguing, name calling etc. Not all of this is new, but it is exacerbated by the added stress. He had a hard life growing up and I know he has a lot of anger and resentment that he’s holding in and I really want him to seek counselling and have set up appointments but he won’t go. I know he is under a lot of stress, but to me, that is no excuse for acting and saying the things he does. This has been going on pretty much all through our marriage, but is now to the point I can’t take it anymore. I am not going to allow him to walk all over me and for sure don’t want our son to think that is how you treat someone, let alone your wife. Yesterday morning we had a big argument and I finally told him, we are either going to marriage counselling or I will file for divorce. He said get the papers, he’d sign them. Last night we had a long talk about what we are going to do and he said that he never wanted to move out here to my moms, he has no interest in building/fixing up the place like we had originally talked about and WHY we even moved out here in the first place. He wants to go back to his home and ranch with his Uncle, there he will be happy and everything would be better. I’ve told him MULTIPLE times over the years, if that’s what he really wanted to do lets go there and do it. All I ask is for a set of barrels and my colts and I’m happy anywhere. He always said there’s nothing down there; he wouldn’t move us down there etc.
Now he’s talking about leaving to go down there and will be sad because he’ll miss us. Ummm, did I miss something? Honestly, divorce is the last resort for me, I just don’t know what else to do. I told him ok, why don’t we move down there then and he said no, because there’s no place for me to work. There’s really not, so I said would work on the ranch (duh), which is what I too grew up doing. He said no, that wasn’t an option. What the hell?!
So now, I don’t know what his plans are for sure, but I’m sitting here living in a travel trailer trying to get estimates from contractors for the house that we had planned on building and will have to redo all the bank paperwork, which I don’t even know if I will qualify for the loan with just my income. I knew this might happen when I gave him the counseling or divorce ultimatum. It just really sucks. I thought he would try to fight for our marriage. And why were things drug out this long if he didn’t really want to go through with moving to this place?! Talking last night, it sounded like he was relieved that now he could move back home, like he’s been waiting for me to say this.
I want to beat my head on the wall! Months following up to our moving here he was all for it, we had plans, this is what we were going to do and I asked MANY times if this is what he wanted to do, yes it was. Now he saying he never wanted to in the first place, but he knew I wanted to so went along with it.
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| Sorry for what you are going through. I cannot offer any advice but my husband and I went through something similar.
We spent the first 14 years of our marriage moving here and there for his job, which was with his family and which moved between 2 locations throughout the year. At first it was great but then the kids came along and with school and all it was hard to move around like that. So we bought some land up by my folks and put a house on it. Throughout the years he has also has played the "I didn't really want this card" and it has made life tough sometimes.
I kind of think the fact that we are close to my family causes some resentment because I have a good support system in place and he in a sense feels the odd man out. They also helped us buy and build and I think that makes him feel maybe like less of a man because they helped us...not sure. But about 4 years ago he fell into a really good job that he loves and I think it made him feel better about himself and kind of gave him something of his own that he is proud off.
In the end, its not the where you live that makes you happy, its the who you live with that does.
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 889
| I don't have much advice. I am sorry.
But it seems that your husband is a bit "lost" when it comes to a job and future. However, I do not think that gives him the right to treat you the way he has been. I think that's unacceptable. I think sitting down and asking him "what do you want to do?" with regards to a job, house, moving etc...and if you're willing to go with "what he wants"...then do that. But if he back pedals AGAIN, after you've made a plan...I think you know what to do. |
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Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
  
Location: OH. IO | It sounds as if he didn't have the nerve to say he wanted a divorce so he was mean to get you mad and tired of it all hoping you would bring it up.Honestly he sounds like he's done.Im sorry you are going through this.prayers for you and your son. |
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  Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | jake16 - 2017-09-21 3:19 PM It sounds as if he didn't have the nerve to say he wanted a divorce so he was mean to get you mad and tired of it all hoping you would bring it up.Honestly he sounds like he's done.Im sorry you are going through this.prayers for you and your son.
^^^^ THIS ..... Prayers for you and Good Luck !!! |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | I'm so sorry for you and your son, hugs and prayers is all I can offer..   |
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Expert
Posts: 1314
Location: North Central Iowa Land of white frozen grass | I am a male and have been married for 36 years to the same woman. I just don't understand why you would want to keep this guy. He wants out. He does not want to make it work. I have 2 daughters and I have always told them that if their husbands ever treat them that way to walk out the door and don't look back. There are good men out there is this world. |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | NJJ - 2017-09-21 3:48 PM jake16 - 2017-09-21 3:19 PM It sounds as if he didn't have the nerve to say he wanted a divorce so he was mean to get you mad and tired of it all hoping you would bring it up.Honestly he sounds like he's done.Im sorry you are going through this.prayers for you and your son. ^^^^ THIS ..... Prayers for you and Good Luck !!!
unfortunately I agree as well.
Hugs, I hope things work out for you |
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | hoofs_in_motion - 2017-09-21 4:23 PM NJJ - 2017-09-21 3:48 PM jake16 - 2017-09-21 3:19 PM It sounds as if he didn't have the nerve to say he wanted a divorce so he was mean to get you mad and tired of it all hoping you would bring it up.Honestly he sounds like he's done.Im sorry you are going through this.prayers for you and your son. ^^^^ THIS ..... Prayers for you and Good Luck !!!
Hugs, I hope things work out for you
I also agree... He doesn't want to be the bad guy. he wants to be able to say that you walked away and that you broke the family up... Some Men are cowards like that.... 
No offense....  |
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 A Barrel Of Monkeys
Posts: 12972
Location: Texas | I'd like to think my partner is there for me, thru thick and thin. The only thing worse than spending 10 years with an uncommitted partner is, 10 years and 1 day. You spend the rest of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Tell him not to let the door hit him in the backside on his way out. Maybe he'll wake up and straighten up. If not, you're better off.
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| I'm the last one anyone should ask for advice, I'll have you breaking out his headlights with a baseball bat and torching his clothes on the front sidewalk... |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 672
| Thanks you everyone for the thoughts and prayers, much needed and appreciated. I don't think he knows what he wants, or if he does is scared to make a commitment either way. I called him today to ask for a contractors number and advice on something and he got mad and said he didn't know why he was involved in it he didn't want anything to do with it. Later he calls and offers to put in the waterline and new hydrants instead of contacting it out to save $$. I told him ok, but I'd pay him like any other job. He says well yeah I guess since you're planning on doing all on your own now. I just can't win! |
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 Quarter Horse HIstorian
Posts: 2878
Location: Aubrey, Texas | I don't have any advice, just wishing the best for you and your son. There comes a point in a man's life when he has to get over Fool's Hill; it sounds like your husband is still on the climb.
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