geronabean - 2018-12-07 11:30 AM You have to cut ties with toxic people sometimes. Its hard... I HAVE DONE IT... but life is too short to let others issues bring you down. It takes precious time and energy away from the people in your life who love and support you.

scwebster - 2018-12-07 10:21 AM

 So I am getting a bit more personal than I would normally...
What do you do when you believe in what the bible tells you about honoring your parents but you have a somewhat toxic relationship with one of them?
My mother and I have a rocky relationship. Growing up I was shuffled around a bit between grandparents, my mother, my dad, and other families. Mainly because my mom seldomly maintained a stable home. We've maintained a friendship but she has, for the most part observed my life from a distance. These days she seems to be very guilt ridden about past mistakes even though I do not dwell on it. She lashes out at me when I dote on my father (especially on social media) and tells me terrible things about him and how "hes not the hero you think he is" and "I am your mother but you treat me like I am nobody". She is also very jealous of my inlaws relationship with my daughter and makes passive agressive comments about it often. They have made a continual effort to be in her life since birth even though they are not perfect. My daughter has only been around my mother a handful of times in her almost 4 years. I let her know that the ball is in her court to spend time with her granddaughter but she acts as if I keep her from it. We have arguments that can be exausting.  Often times after an argument we don't speak for weeks or months. I feel she has lots of anger and guilt she has held onto most of her life and I have suggested she talk to someone. I find myself wanting to love her from a distance and minimalize contact because I don't feel the stress of the relationship is healthy.... 
What do you do?

 

whoapony07 - 2018-12-07 6:21 PM Gosh, it sounds like your mom and mine could be sisters. My thoughts are all over the place because of the things I have tried with my mother and the heartbreak I have felt with trying with her and I'm 50 it took me a long time to finally just walk away for a while. When my dad died and how she acted was the final straw, we are just now in the last 4 or 5 yrs have a "somewhat" relationship. I'm very guarded with her but I try to do right by her also because she is my mom. you know the whole 2 wrongs don't make a right thing. I pray a lot for myself and her, I want my heart clear and to know that I tried my best to do what God wants. Do I always? nope, but I do try. We do have a long distance relationship which has made things easier. As she has gotten older she has gotten better but it's only because "she needs us". Just do what God has put in your heart, he knows if you are truly trying to honor her, then turn it over to him. But when it gets to be to much pray and walk away no one deserves to be treated badly, do we have bad moments? Yes, but when it's bad all the time I don't think that God wants us to be treated that way. But I have learned what not to do as a Mom, not perfect by any means but I have learned to be selfless, and that was something my mother never learned still hasn't at 72. Prayers for you and I'm sorry if I sounded so preachy.

DashNDustem - 2018-12-08 12:18 PM I have a different insight than the others who have responded to this post. My mother and I’s relationship has not been the best, especially in my older years. When my brother and I were kids, we lived a pretty steady life. But we were pretty spoiled and I will say now that I am older, we did not appreciate my mother like we should have. From my childhood, fast forward to say my late teens/early twenties, my mother went on a drinking binge. She became an alcoholic, basically ruined her relationship with her husband (they got divorced) and both of her kids. She would curse me out, yell at me, talk down on my father, disown me and my brother, then call back to apologize. She did some pretty messed up things which I will not share on here. She was just angry and hurtful, and I did not talk to my mother for a good 7 years after that. My brother is just now starting to try to talk to her again, after a good 15 years or so but at my urging for the past few years. He is still very stuck on her still being who she was 15 years ago, and she is not the same person. The reason why I started to talk to her again was I got severely injured, was not able to work, and she was there. It forced us to communicate, and during that time I found out things about her childhood, that made a whole lot of sense as to why she turned to alcohol. Why she did what she did, and working in mental health.. I suddenly understood the drive that she had behind her behavior. Now here comes my point of view on this. Your mother is acting the way that she is, for a reason. She was not around when you were a kid, for a reason. Maybe that is what happened to her when she young, and she was never taught how to truly be a parent. It happens a LOT more than you think. Maybe there is something in her past, that is causing this behavior and this is the ONLY way she knows how to cope with it. Nobody is never too old to adjust the way that they live, but the important part is that they need to know boundaries and have support. Yes, give your mother boundaries when talking about your father and the rest of the family. Tell her no, she is not allowed to talk about them in your presence in a negative manner. Tell her that she can see your daughter, but under the circumstances and that she will not speak to your daughter about the family, and be negative in any way, or else she WILL lose the option to spend time with her granddaughter until she corrects her behavior. Hold her accountable for that behavior, because providing healthy boundaries will help her in the long run if she wants to commit. I had to do that with my mother, and it took some time and some smoothing of the edges, but she didn’t do that anymore. I am not a parent, but when that time comes, you better believe that if my mother wants to see her grandchild, she will not be drinking in the presence of my kid because even though she has gotten better, I do not want my child to be placed in the same situation that I was. Another thing, which is super hard to do, is not to constantly remind her of her past. She knows what she did, she knows that she was a horrible mom, so she really needs not be reminded of what she did. Instead, look forward. Say, if you want to have a better relationship, then we need to make some changes. It really pulls them out of the negative mentality and puts them on a different path. It gives them hope because it shows that somebody believes in them. I was told that by one of my colleagues some time ago, and it really does put a light on a dampened situation. Me and my mother now talk quite often and our relationship has much improved, but it has taken a lot of time to overcome that. But that is your mother, and it’s the only mother that you will ever have. Sorry for the novel, hope this helps.

cwjsd - 2018-12-08 5:32 PM I have always had a tumultuous relationship with my mother. Very emotionally abusive. I absolutely hate when people say "but you only have 1 mother." I feel like those people have not endured the abuse or they wouldn't say that. I feel like the worse part of an emotionally abusive parent is the guilt and depression the child feels. We KNOW we should cut them out, but the guilt of doing is hard.  

Chandler's Mom - 2018-12-08 7:54 PM Just wanted to offer hugs to you and the others who have/had bad relationships with parents. I have wonderful parents and great relationships with them both, so I have no advice in that area. . .

scwebster - 2018-12-11 8:07 AM


You're right on about several things. Her mother died when she was 12 years old. She lived with an uncle who was an alcoholic at that time. Had children young. Life has not been a walk in the park for her for sure.  I def don't hold the past against her. I don't bring it up. I am considerate of her feelings as I know she is sensative about it. What makes it hard is that she believes she should be number 1 in my life and the truth of the matter is she and I have not been very close for many many years. My hope is that we can just move forward positively. I am so glad you and your mothers relationship improved. You sound like you have a great head on your sholders to have been able to handle the situation so well and see it through to better days.