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Elite Veteran
Posts: 963
  
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas. | Ok so me and my husband will be married 3 years in June. Well we have been together for a total of five years. he was a correctional officer the first 3 years we were together well when we moved back to Texas 2 years ago he was still a correctional officer. Since he quit being a correctional officer this past year he has started being really controlling. He wont let me go out of town for a week to visit a friend that i haven't seen since we moved back to Texas. The same friend has invited me this summer to go with her to Montana and he wont allow me to go with her there either. He wont allow me to go visit family by myself. I cant do anything by my self including shower. Grr im getting very fed up with this. I mean its not like i was going to go off by myself and leave him and my daughter. I was taking her along with me. I just feel that i need a break. |
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  Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
 
Location: Displaced Iowegian | ~~Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:
Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.
Edited by NJJ 2014-01-11 4:39 PM
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 Neat Freak
Posts: 11216
Location: Wonderful Wyoming | Krystal don't take these things too lightly. If he is that controlling even about showering, that is not right. Might try counseling. Does he get mad if you bring it up that he goes everywhere with you? Does he have a job or is he home all day with you? |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 963
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas. | Usually he works but he wont do counseling and he does have PTSD. |
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Fire Ant Peddler
Posts: 2881
| I had to sit in the police station for a couple of hours waiting for them to find an accident report. I finally found something to read. It was a pamphlet on abuse. I read it and realized that most of them fit ME. My husband died years but yes I was the person they were writing about. DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR SITUATION. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 963
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas. | I mean i live close to all of his family even if i was to do something i wouldnt have a place to stay. and i dont have any money he has gotton to the point he wants me to delete my facebook. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1034
| Why is he no longer a CO? |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 963
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas. | Hes in collage. |
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 Dancing in my Mind
Posts: 3062
Location: Eastern OH but my heart is in WV | Growing up my father was VERY controlling of my mom and it affected the whole family. He would question my brother and I about EVERYTHING (who did my mom talk to, who did she look at, where did we go- he already knew...) This went on for years and years. It got the point that I hated coming home or if the phone would ring. My mom would not leave him because he threatened to take us kids. It was a living nightmare and I did not realize until later in my life the kind of hell my mom actually went through. My dad became terminally ill when I was 16 and my mom saw her freedom (which just caused a whole new set of problems for us kids). She still lived with him but at the height of his illness she could come and go as she pleased and he could not stop her. My parents were both good "parents" but horrible husband and wife. To this day my husband knows not to question me about things, he is not even close to being controlling but I am super sensitive about feeling questioned.
You have to think about your daughter in all of this also. There are all sort of abuse hotlines out there that are welling to help. At the very least, get counseling for yourself. You have to get a hold on this before it destroys everything. Please get help!
Edited by Rolling J 2014-01-11 5:23 PM
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Awww I'm sorry Krystal that your having problems, but your getting lots of good advice on here.  |
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 Twin Sister to Queen Boobie
Posts: 13315
Location: East Tennessee but who knows?! | So he didn't exhibit any of this behavior the 2 years you guys dated? How long has this been going on?
When you say he won't "LET" you, does he get mad or does he just try to talk you out of it? What exactly is he doing to not let you?
What do you think would happen if you did just go see your family or whatever? If you just put your foot down and said, "I'm going" and then you just went? Or if you just told him you wanted to take a shower by yourself and for him to just go?
My husband is pretty clingy. I went to get ice cream with a friend (girl) one time and he called me every two seconds checking to see where we were at. On the surface, that looked pretty controlling and he can smother me too much at times. But I just laugh at him and do what I want to do and he either deals with it or he gets made and still has to deal with it.
Do you work? If you don't, I definitely would start if at all possible not only to save your sanity but to start putting you some money back just in case.
How is he with your daughter?
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 963
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas. | Fairweather - 2014-01-11 5:44 PM
So he didn't exhibit any of this behavior the 2 years you guys dated? How long has this been going on?
When you say he won't "LET" you, does he get mad or does he just try to talk you out of it? What exactly is he doing to not let you?
What do you think would happen if you did just go see your family or whatever? If you just put your foot down and said, "I'm going" and then you just went? Or if you just told him you wanted to take a shower by yourself and for him to just go?
My husband is pretty clingy. I went to get ice cream with a friend (girl) one time and he called me every two seconds checking to see where we were at. On the surface, that looked pretty controlling and he can smother me too much at times. But I just laugh at him and do what I want to do and he either deals with it or he gets made and still has to deal with it.
Do you work? If you don't, I definitely would start if at all possible not only to save your sanity but to start putting you some money back just in case.
How is he with your daughter?
No he did not do any of this while we were dating this started happening this past year. I did go see my family once with me and my daughter and he called me and told me to never come back home. Well one night i couldnt get ahold of him what so ever so me and my daughter came back to check on him to see if he was ok. I have never been allowed to work. He doesnt really help at all with her i do everything myself. But he just flat out tells me im not allowed to go by myself. any where. If i could find someone to watch my daughter i would be more than happy to work. |
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 Love Me Some Robert Redford
Posts: 2335
Location: WV | Don't know the whole story but it sounds like you need to get out. This is abuse and you don't need to take it. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1440
Location: Texas | It sounds like he has just replaced the inmates he used to run with running you. I'm don't know what his temper is like but I would just go visit my parents and if he said not to come back I would tell him that was fine. Honestly I am sure he would just back down and if he didn't well then it would be his loss not yours. Right now you are a prisOner in your own life and that is now way to live and certainly not an example for your daughter. Good luck and prayers to you to find the right path to follow |
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 I Am Always Right
Posts: 4264
Location: stray dump capital of the world | The word "allow" just doesn't work for me. I would have been gone a long time ago. You have family, so why don't you go there? I'd wait until that sucker was at work, pack my crap and boogie on out of there. Personally, I think both you and your daughter are in danger if you stay. |
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 Sock eating dog owner
Posts: 4557
Location: Where the pavement ends and the West begins Utah | Go to court house and pick up divorce forms and sign them, move back with your family and send him the divorce papers. You are in danger honey cut the ties and let him have all possesions, don't ask for any thing from him and don't let him see your daughter!!! The divorce papers will cost $20 total and don't use a lawyer, you don't have the money for that sort of thing. It cost me $400,000.00 when said and done. I got nothing!!! RUN!!!! He is a very SICK man. |
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 Toastest with the Mostest
Posts: 5712
Location: That part of Texas | cow pie - 2014-01-11 7:55 PM Go to court house and pick up divorce forms and sign them, move back with your family and send him the divorce papers. You are in danger honey cut the ties and let him have all possesions, don't ask for any thing from him and don't let him see your daughter!!! The divorce papers will cost $20 total and don't use a lawyer, you don't have the money for that sort of thing. It cost me $400,000.00 when said and done. I got nothing!!! RUN!!!! He is a very SICK man.
None of that from what would happen with the child, to the cost of the filing and to even just being able to pick up papers in Texas is true. She needs to at least go talk to someone in legal aid to help her file. We have organizations here across the state for that type of help. You don't just file and walk away -- he will get some type of visitation if you do that and will more than likely be able to see his child if she files and walks away. It's not that easy. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| I may be young but I've seen too many people I'm close to go through this lately. This is abuse. Tell him he needs to clean up his act or you need to get the hell out. A shower? Really? What in the heck does he think you're gonna do in there?! Crawl down the drain and go complete hussy on him? I'm sorry if you think I'm being rude because it's not directed towards you!! Abusers make me angry  But SERIOUSLY, this is a big deal...and no one deserves to be treated like that. |
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 BHW Resident Surgeon
Posts: 25352
Location: Bastrop, Texas | Hold on a second. The guy lost his job and is going through some hard times. Clearly he's behaving like a control freak, and something is amiss, I agree, but seriously, is this the time to just throw in the towel and go straight to a divorce? There's a kid involved here. I don't see anything that says this marriage can't be salvaged....things like a simple ultimatum, couples counseling, even a trial separation. You can always divorce him, but it seems to me there could be a few less drastic steps that just might work.
Maybe I'm missing something, but that's how I see it. |
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 Sweet Tea
Posts: 3496
Location: Home of the World Famous "Silver Bullet" | get out of dodge while you can.  |
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Folks on-line