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 Expert
Posts: 1432
  
Location: Never in one place long | My sweet Grandmother who has been paralyzed by a rare type of cancer since she was 56 has slowly been on the decline for years.... she has been in and out of the hospital often times having to travel 3-4 hrs one way. My Grandfather passed away 3 years ago and when this happened the responsibility increased to my Mom and her brother as well as the fact that she is getting worse every month.... The problem is she is still very sharp in her mind and LOVES being home. She is so determined she has been living alone the past 3 years using a hoyer to get her in and out of bed and on and off the toilet by herself... she is an amazing lady but my Mom and Uncle are having to spend hours at her house helping her everyday now since she's gotten worse.... she REFUSES to go into a nursing home and says she knows she's going to die soon and wants to die at home... My Mom is very behind at her job and my Uncle cannot take a job he wants because it requires him to move.... We can't get in home health care for her b/c they say she requires care beyhond their level of training..... I live out of State and cannot help and no one else strong enough to help move her around in our family... we currently have Church members delivering food which is helping but so many other needs for her...
My question is do they need to just force her to go to a nursing home? My Mom is so soft hearted she says she just can't do it but she is literally falling apart taking care of her while trying to work full time and care for everything else.... Any ideas on other care she could get???? Also, any ideas what I can do from here to help?? I feel very helpless and am unsure what to tell her to do or say to make her feel better? :(
Hoping some others have been in a simular situation and can share what they did that worked and give advice! Any and all apprecaited! |
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  Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
 
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | We aren't there yet with hubbys parents. We moved them into a home in town about 20 miles from us. They are both disabled and cannot drive so we have to do everything for them. It took some practice but we have learned how to communicate and plan. Hubby and I do not have children so it helps keep us available for his parents.
However, they are capable of taking care of themselves in the home. We just do the fixing up for them, shoveling snow, etc.
How are her finances? Would it be possible to hire a private person to come in and help her? There will never be any easy answers. Her time here is short and it sucks that it involves so many negatives, but time spent with her now can never be gotten back once she's gone :(. What a tough situation to be in for sure. Would your grandmother possibly consider moving in with another family member? Don't approach it as if she can't do it herself, just approach it as family wanting to be close to her.
We had to do that with hubbys dad. His parents, though always married, were seperated for the last six years, for as long as I have known them. His dad has parkinsons and acute renal failure. Last year he fell and broke his legs several times, was in and out of the ER constantly, and was a disaster. Same situation though he will not go into a home or get help. When he came out here to visit us last fall he ended up in the ER again with acute renal failure. At that point we convinced him to move back in with hubbys mom. It hasn't been easy and we have all had our "fights" and such but we are working it out and he has been doing awesome. The most important thing to reassure her is that everybody really does care for her. |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| Live care giver the cost is about 800-1500 per month |
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 Can You Hear Me Now?
Location: When you hit the middle of nowhere .. Keep driving | They forced my grandma in a home. My mom and her brother looked after her for 8 years, mostly my mom because my uncle is a trucker and gone a lot. The doctor was the one who actually did it. She was living alone and he deemed it to dangerous, he got a special needs case worker to evaluate her and told her she couldn't go home . It was a huge relief to everyone. Maybe get your uncle or mom to speak with the doctor on how hard it's getting for her to do things so he can bring it up to her.
I am facing it with my dad. He has been in a wheelchair for 26 years this year and takes 37 pills a day (all prescribed) but they are taking a toll on him. He sleeps all the time, is getting weaker and losing his memory. I almost think it's early dementia because of the pills. We have talked about it but haven't made the move yet. He's stubborn and one minute said he won't ever go and the next says he should. We have nurses coming in 4 times a week to care for wounds and bed sores and help for showers and stuff 3 times plus me living at home making sure he takes his meds and eats. He would literally sleep through a lot of it. It's never easy but a family meeting should be called and maybe get advice from her doctor if he will talk to you.
Edited by ndiehl 2014-02-10 11:04 AM
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 The Original Cyber Bartender
Location: Washington | Any chance your grand father is a veteran? |
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I Really Love Jeans
Posts: 3173
Location: North Dakota | My Grandmother developed some form of dementia, She had always said for YEARS before she came to that age that she never wanted to be locked away in a nursing home. My mother and sister took care of her for nearly 5 years, cooked daily and tried to get her to take her medication etc.... My sister came one day to find a fire truck at her house. My Grandmother had turned on the AC and forgot it was on, she got cold and decided to light the gas heater catching the wall on fire because it was on so high. She finally fell and broke her arm and everyone decided to make her stay in the nursing home once they got her there for rehab. She would cuss and try to leave and try to attack people so they medicated her daily. She gained weight and started getting better but died about a year after entering the facility. It was not possible for anyone to take care of her anymore, when they get to that age they are like toddlers and need someone to watch the 24/7!!!! It is a decision the enitre family will need to make, to keep her home or force her into a facility. |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | fatchance - 2014-02-10 11:01 AM
Any chance your grand father is a veteran?
Yes, he is a Veteran, he served in the Cuban Missile Crisis. |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | Her finances are good, she can afford it she just doesn't want to... I think it's time though even though we HATE making her do it, I'm afraid she will give up like many do. She has overcome the odds again and again, when she became paralyzed, the said she only have 2 years to live.... When we try to tell her she says that we just don't like her and want to get rid of her. It's so heartbreaking, I try to spend as much time with her and go home several times a year just to do it.... sometimes I think I should just go back home until she passes but we just never know how long she has and I can't be there for years. :(
It's comforting knowing how others have gone through this and what you have done to deal with it. I will pass these all along to my Mom. We can all use prayers too! |
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 Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| I think part of the problem with going into a nursing home is the fact that they think they will be alone. They get into a routine and since it's working for them, they forget that it really doesn't work for the caregiver.
I can't see why home-health care wouldn't be able to do the exact same things you are doing. My mother in law is an Administrator for home health care, so I know a lot of what they do. They pretty much do everything. Cook, clean, help around the house, medical needs, bathing, bathroom, etc. It just depends on what you need.
Good luck, because LOTS of people fight going to a nursing home. My great grandmother broke her hip and gave up living because they told her she'd have to go there. But maybe take her on some visits if there are more than one available to see which one she would like best. |
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Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | DLV - 2014-02-10 1:55 PM
Her finances are good, she can afford it she just doesn't want to... I think it's time though even though we HATE making her do it, I'm afraid she will give up like many do. She has overcome the odds again and again, when she became paralyzed, the said she only have 2 years to live.... When we try to tell her she says that we just don't like her and want to get rid of her. It's so heartbreaking, I try to spend as much time with her and go home several times a year just to do it.... sometimes I think I should just go back home until she passes but we just never know how long she has and I can't be there for years. :(
It's comforting knowing how others have gone through this and what you have done to deal with it. I will pass these all along to my Mom. We can all use prayers too!
Google "a place for mom" |
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| I saw someone else say this too, but can they get a caregiver through a company or even a private one? I'm one, and I think that it helps a lot. |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| Prayers to you all too  |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 907
Location: a secret | Good luck tough situation I am living the same thing spend her resources to let her stay in her home private caregivers are expensive it either will go to the nursing home or her care regardless do what is best for her and your family 24/7 care is exhausting for two people look into assisted living vs long term care some of facilities are amazing your options will depend on your finances sorry to say |
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 The Vaccinator
Posts: 3810
Location: Slipping down the slope of old age. Boo hoo. | I can sympathize with your concerns for your mom and your family -- and your concerns for your grandmother. We endured similar issues with my grandfather after losing my grandmother. My grandfather had lost a leg due to his diabetes so he was using a wheelchair - plus he had dementia issues. However, he wanted to be at home. My mom and her sister decided they would take turns staying with him -- that did not work! They were not physically capable - nor where they properly trained in how to care for someone in his condition. My mother ended up in the hospital. My aunt ended up very ill, too. Both nearly ruined their own health trying to care for him. Fortunately, my grandfather did have the means to hire a senior care service -- it was a blessing / Godsend. A trained CNA -- who had further training - came to live full-time with him for 2 weeks at a time, then another would come. He came to love the two who took care of him. We ended up with men as that worked best for him and he was happiest with male caregivers. One ended up going on a 3 week cycle and he - James - became like family to us. He cooked, took care of the home, and took complete care of my grandfather -- would drive him around so he could look at his farm - or just drive him here or there to entertain him, etc. James was trained in how to properly lift and move him - he knew how to "talk" to him to get him to do things - take his meds, etc. My grandfather was like a different person! We - as family - were just too emotional -- and we did NOT have the training. When my grandfather's health failed and he had to go to the hospital, we kept James on and he stayed at the hospital -- still such a comfort to my grandfather. And we knew someone was there looking out for him -- and could help us turn him, etc. James was with us - as family - once he passed. As I recall, the cost was about $3800 a month for this service and worth every cent know the great care and comfort and companionship my grandfather had. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 742
| I'm very sorry to hear about your grandma.
I have a friend that is an only child going through this with her dad(he is 73) and he has learned to throw fits so he can get kicked out of facilities. She is exhausted and does not know where to turn next. He has pretty bad dimentia, maybe alzheimers, and can't remember to take his 20+prescribed meds. He has turned mean on her and the people that have cared for him and I don't think he has any idea he is doing this. I hope others have some answers cause I dont know what to tell her. I feel so sorry for those that are caregivers. |
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Veteran
Posts: 297
| If home health won't help try hospice. I know the original meaning of hospice is passing within 6 months. But I'm currently a hospice aide and we've taken in patients that home health declined but we went in and helped then discharged |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| Ok first off if she is still living at home and she is to sick for the home health find another. There is no reason for them to say she is to sick for them. Contact Medicare and see what her Medicare will pay for a sitter. Sometimes they will pay some. See if your grandmother will allow someone to come in for maybe a couple of hours a day then go to your local nursing school and see if some of those students need extra money to come in and help out. They can cook, clean, just be company and it will teach them patients. This will help out a whole lot. We have been going through this same thing with my MIL except she can take care of her self she jut doesn't want to. She wants to just set and let us do everything for her. Good luck. |
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The Original Cyber Bartender
Location: Washington | PokiesTrick - 2014-02-10 5:53 PM If home health won't help try hospice. I know the original meaning of hospice is passing within 6 months. But I'm currently a hospice aide and we've taken in patients that home health declined but we went in and helped then discharged
May I ask how this works? Signing a loved over to hospice has it rules...in a hospital. So is it different for home care? |
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Porta Potty Pants
Posts: 2600
| what about a facility that has scaled services … independent living to full care?
They are expensive but if she has the means. |
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Location: In my own little world | Fat Chance hospice has really changed. My mother passed recently but just prior to her passing we had hospice set in place. They came in occasionally and then it became more frequent for only 4 days before her passing. But hospice was able to prescribe any needed drugs with just a phone call vs a need for a Dr visit as she was considered on comfort care. It is a hard thing as a child to have to place your parents in a nursing home. My mom spent a month not liking it and then adjusted quite well and thrived for 8 years. My dad, who became a resident 4 years after my mom, didn't like it from day one and passed 2 months later. However his kidneys were failing and regardless his time was limited and I was not equipped to care for him at home any longer. He was very very angry with me, said some really mean things but in my heart I knew it was the best place for him to be. I had to make the decision, stick with it and come to peace with my decision . He was 86. But it was not much easier taking the car keys away from both of them when they were no longer safe behind the wheel. For me what made it so hard was the fact that as the child, I had now moved into the adult role and they had begun to assume the child role as I was now responsible for them vs the other way around. |
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