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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
  
| This will be a long story but I need to tell someone who can't judge me face to face.
My mother in law is 72 years old and physically in great shape. Until Thanksgiving she went to my sister in laws house every Wed to clean her house. Her reason was my SIL has a 17 year old who needed my SIL to not be tired so she could get him up for school each day. Well thanksgiving the family went to the SIL's house to eat and no one went to pick up the MIL to take her so the next day the MIL goes on a food strike went 3 weeks with out eating much of anything. Needless to say she gets very sick she lives alone so we did not notice she was not eating as we never happen to be at her house at meal time. Fast forward my husband and I start going to her house every meal (we take turns) and making sure she eats. Then she decides she is going to double up on all her meds. She is on heart meds as well as Diabetes meds. She continues to get sick and it took a few weeks for us to realize what she is doing, when we did Husband and I started taking time staying with her all the time. (Daughter and Son refuse to stay and help with her) I work in health care (weekends)and suggested many things to help her but the kids didn't want to do anything I suggested. She finally got so bad last Wed that we had to take her to the ER she was admitted and now is going to a rehab center. While in the hospital this week she has decided to stop eating again, she will not get out of the bed making the hospital staff do everything for her. She has demanded that my husband be at her side 24/7 she does not care that he needs to work or that he has a family. We have not been to 5 horse shows in the last 3 years because we are afraid to get to far away. For about 6 months at least 3 times a week she would set the alarm system off and we would have to go check out what was going on. You may be asking what I have to do with any of this " well I have been in the family for 29 years and I feel that you marry for better or worse if my husband is going through this I can help him out with all of this. I teach in the health care field so I have fall, Christmas and spring breaks, This year I spent my Christmas and spring breaks sitting up with her at night so my husband could sleep at night.
My FIL passed away three years ago and the last 8 years of his life he did everything for her, he even put her underwear on her each day. When she would go take a shower she holler and tell him to get her clothes and come on. I always thought he was just a wimp but now I see what his life was really like. I would give any thing almost to tell him how sorry I am that I didn't step up and help him. I am not needing advice as to what to do with her just wanted to let it all out. Thanks for listening or reading. |
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  Witty Enough
Posts: 2954
Location: CTX | Wow, here are some  |
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 Thread Killer
Posts: 7545
| Holy crap. (((hugs)))
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 No Tune in a Bucket
Posts: 2935
Location: Texas | I am so sorry. I am the primary care taker for my 89 yr old mother and am going to give her an extra hug tomorrow. For you  |
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 Ditch the Stirrups
Posts: 5369
Location: Sorrow Not! Defending against workplace bullies | Wow 72 is not even that old anymore. |
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 Potato Soup Queen
Location: Alabama | I feel bad that no one picked her up so she could be with family.  |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| The thing is that until my MIL passed she could have run a marathon now she is mad cause her kids will not do for her the things her husband did.
My parents are 78 and 89 they are very active so when my husband sees them so active he gets mad at his mom and doesn't want to help his mom cause he thinks she is faking.
Thanks for the replies and hugs we need it. |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| I know you didn't ask for advice, but
You cannot allow your MIL to control your lives.
As long as she is mentally competent if she doesn't want to eat, that is her decision, she knows the consequences of her actions.
When she becomes weak and fragile from not eating put her in a home.
Or look at lodges now, I'm not familiar with what is available in the US but in Canada we have lodges that offer all meals, linen services, a nurse does medication rounds, etc. Maybe she needs this.
She has many years left, don't put your lives on hold because of her. You both will age faster and become unhealthy living in this situation.
Hugs and prayers to your family |
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 Horsezips Number One Fan
Posts: 3519
Location: on a horse | OMG! Do you know my mother???
I so know exactly what you are saying and since I have taken the "well go ahead" attitude things in my life are much better.
As previous post says you have to just let her do it. She will see that NO one is going to wait on her hand and foot as she is DEMANDING and start doing for herself. It is hard and you will have slides backward but you have to stand your ground. She only wants attention and thinks since her husband did it all those years someone else needs to fill his shoes. You have a life and it will eventually kill you and she will just find someone else.
Prayers to you and start slow, just tell her NO, you are going home, you have a life also |
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Tried and True
Posts: 21185
Location: Where I am happiest | Farrierlady - 2014-04-03 10:28 PM I feel bad that no one picked her up so she could be with family.
This is what really stuck in my mind as well. How sad for her. |
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 Member
Posts: 33
Location: Florida | I have known people like your MIL. In fact I have a friends mom that is going through something similar. You said she is physically in good shape. Do you think that you could push her into adding some spice into her life where she is not so dependent on you guys (or anyone for that matter). Like maybe getting her involved in say a bowling league or other hobby with people around her age that do fun things together, so she can make friends and actually be excited about doing? Then maybe it will make becoming independent (exciting &) easier on her.
After my grandfather passed my grandmother (who was in her late 80's) took up ballroom dancing (the lady never danced a day in her life, lol). Her and her lil ballroom friends did all sorts stuff from lunch dates to cruises and stuff that makes us job carrying folk super jealous. They certainly kept her light going! |
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| Sounds like dementia to me.
No advice, just hugs. |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | Hugs to you. I could see my sister's MIL doing that in the future. She's such a needy, whiny weenie-wad. Loves to make herself a victim to get attention. It's hard to find room for compassion for people like that. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 602
| cheryl makofka - 2014-04-03 9:00 PM
I know you didn't ask for advice, but
You cannot allow your MIL to control your lives.
As long as she is mentally competent if she doesn't want to eat, that is her decision, she knows the consequences of her actions.
When she becomes weak and fragile from not eating put her in a home.
Or look at lodges now, I'm not familiar with what is available in the US but in Canada we have lodges that offer all meals, linen services, a nurse does medication rounds, etc. Maybe she needs this.
She has many years left, don't put your lives on hold because of her. You both will age faster and become unhealthy living in this situation.
Hugs and prayers to your family
I agree with this. Just because she was use to being pampered by her husband doesnt mean she can throw fits and make your life miserable. You and your husband sound like you have a heart of gold. Going to her house a few days a week to give her attention and socialize is great but her being demanding is selfish. I hope you guys can find a healthy balance. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 831
| Three 4 Luck - 2014-04-04 9:13 AM
Hugs to you. I could see my sister's MIL doing that in the future. She's such a needy, whiny weenie-wad. Loves to make herself a victim to get attention. It's hard to find room for compassion for people like that.
What u said!! She sounds like my mother as well. I finally had to cut ties with her to keep my sanity!!
Prayers for u, and ur hubby!! |
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | cheryl makofka - 2014-04-04 10:00 PM I know you didn't ask for advice, but You cannot allow your MIL to control your lives. As long as she is mentally competent if she doesn't want to eat, that is her decision, she knows the consequences of her actions. When she becomes weak and fragile from not eating put her in a home. Or look at lodges now, I'm not familiar with what is available in the US but in Canada we have lodges that offer all meals, linen services, a nurse does medication rounds, etc. Maybe she needs this. She has many years left, don't put your lives on hold because of her. You both will age faster and become unhealthy living in this situation. Hugs and prayers to your family
i agree with cheryl..............
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| Farrierlady - 2014-04-03 10:28 PM
I feel bad that no one picked her up so she could be with family.
She was driving at that time. She was with the family all day. When we did not go pick her up she drove herself. She had just been out at the SIL's house the day before cleaning and cooking so my SIL didn't have to do it after work. SHE CAN DRIVE HERSELF she just knew all the family would be there and she had been calling telling everyone she was sooooo bad off and that my husband and I would have to come get her. She wanted the attention. |
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 Own It and Move On
Location: The edge of no where | cavlier - 2014-04-04 2:24 PM Farrierlady - 2014-04-03 10:28 PM I feel bad that no one picked her up so she could be with family. She was driving at that time. She was with the family all day. When we did not go pick her up she drove herself. She had just been out at the SIL's house the day before cleaning and cooking so my SIL didn't have to do it after work. SHE CAN DRIVE HERSELF she just knew all the family would be there and she had been calling telling everyone she was sooooo bad off and that my husband and I would have to come get her. She wanted the attention.
Wow.
Hugs for you. Do not let that woman ruin your lives. She is an adult, if she chooses not to eat, she knows the consequences of her decisions.
Load up and go on vacation (without your cell phones). Enough of that nonsense. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| We have decided today to put her in a rehab center for 2 weeks so we are in hopes this will help her to get stronger and get her on a diet that will keep her blood sugar down. Since she has been in the hospital she has gone from 80 units of insulin a day to 15. She had raised her on meds to 80 it was not the Dr's orders. Again at her age we just did not feel we needed to watch her that close. We hope the rehab center will give her a little taste of nursing home life and she will decide that it is not for her. I agree that we should just say you want to die I will not stand here and watch you do it but my husband is not at that point yet, he feels he has to do everything in this world to keep her alive. I have tried to tell him that if he would not stress over her so much she would get up and do for her self.
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 You just got to get mean and mean it.
Location: Arkansas | I know you didn't ask for it, but heres my 2 cents.
After all that she all she does for the SIL, she deserves some consideration. ....Clean your own house. If you are hosting the family for a big dinner, do your own cooking. Tell that kid, at 17, get his owns self up and off to school.
It is beyond me why some generations think if they show consideration for a person, they feel put-up-on and ***** if they're ask to do something out of their way. Just remember, they'll be old one day too.
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