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Member
Posts: 7
| Got a big blow this morning. Just looking for advice from folks who have dealt with this.
I am in my late 20's. Have an older brother a few years older than me and a younger brother about 5 years younger than me.
I get a text from my mother at 1:00 AM for me to call her before I read my younger brother's email. She and my dad had talked to him last night (Monday). He seriously considered downing an entire bottle of Tylenol on Sunday. He has kind of known he's been depressed for a while, but of course that was a huge step in the wrong direction. I'm so thankful he is seeking our help and hasn't actually done it. He's always been the type of person who likes to stay home and keep to himself. He has always been like that.
My younger brother moved in with my husband and I about a month and a half ago. He just graduated from college and got a new job. I told him he can stay with us as long as he wants while he gets settled. He does go out of town quite a bit for work. He left town yesterday for work and isn't coming back until tomorrow. He sent my mother an email, which was a 5-page document of what he feels like is going on with him. For him, he's always been a man of few words so this is the best tool he can use to express his thoughts and write them down. Again, I'm so thankful he did rather than keeping it inside and who-knows-what.
I know he can't answer his phone while he is at work, so I sent him an email this morning. None of my family (except my husband) knows that I sought counseling a few years ago for myself. So I told him about that. According to his email, it sounds like he doesn't necessarily want to see a doctor. I told him how it was very helpful for me. I never had suicidal thoughts but I had other mental and emotional problems going on. I told him a few other personal things I went through during that time, that he probably didn't know the extent of, to at least try to convey to him that I do understand (a small bit) about what he might be going through. And that it's okay and we will do whatever we need to do to get him feeling better. I got the impression that he is ashamed of this depression problem so I made sure to tell him how PROUD of him I am for what he has accomplished in his life and how ADMIRABLE it is that he sent that email to let us know how he is feeling.
From talking with my mom, he may go home to live with them for a while, while he gets himself straightened out. I'm not so sure that's a good idea because the farm is in the middle of nowhere and I think the social interaction at work is good for him (he does like his job). I don't want to tell him what to do, but after talking with my older brother, we feel like it would be better for him to stay with me. Again, it will be his decision though.
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And now I know that I am just starting to ramble with all my thoughts, but my heart has been in my stomach all day.   I would have never imagined I would have a loved one who has considered killing themselves due to depression.
Thoughts?
Advice?
Experience?
Prayers for him, please. 
Thank you for listening.
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Expert
Posts: 1343
 
Location: East Texas | No advice, but many prayers that God would give you the strength and words to say to him. Keep those lines of communication open and continue to try and encourage him to see a counselor. Prayers for him, you and your entire family!
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 Balance Beam and more...
Posts: 11511
 
Location: 31 lengths farms | Its normal for your mom to want her boy home but I think you and your brother are spot on. Some days its just about getting up and showing up and because you did tomorrow will be better. Depression seems to run in my family also, I believe my dad has it or may be Bi-polar (he is 83) my oldest brother committed suicide 30 years ago, and my other 3 siblings all take medicine for depression..me? I have horses :-) They are my Pony Prozac.
Keep that offer out there for your brother, keep the communication lines open and God Bless! |
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 Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | No advice but many |
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  Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | I don't have any advice either but wanted to offer my thoughts and prayers to you, your family, and your brother. Praying that he finds peace within himself. |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Prayers for all involved. His email as a cry for help. I would encourage him to stay with you. My husband comes from a family that does not speak up and I find that strange, better maybe a few hurt feelings then tragic consequences. Our friends college son was going through the same thing a state away. As soon as they became aware of his serious depression they brought him home and got him into counseling and he is doing much better. You are a great sister, I am sure that is a comfort to him. |
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 That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
| Men deal with depression very different than women. I had a bout of it when I was 20. Men need a purpose, if you can help him find that it will really help.
Alcohol will only make it worse. I went to a counselor and it didn't help me at all. |
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Member
Posts: 7
| Thank you everyone. Fortunately, he is not a drinker. He's very well reserved with lots of self control when it comes to things like that.
Since he's been staying with us, my husband and I always ask him if he wants to come with us when we go hang out with friends. Sometimes he comes with - sometimes he doesn't. He's always been the type to just stay home so I didn't think too much of it. But I do recognize that he doesn't really have any friends here yet and so he doesn't hang out with anyone except us. I am sure that has contributed to his feelings.
Whiteboy --- Your few short words really nailed it on the head. In his email he often feels like he lacks purpose, is a failure, and has nothing to look forward to. Of course, that's the depression talking. He's got his whole life ahead of him. He has tons to look forward to. I hope my family can help him understand a purpose.
Run-N-rate - My horses are my "therapy" too. I can't wait to leave work so I can go for a ride and escape from all this for just an hour or two.
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That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
| That purpose might be found through a girlfriend, school, religion, or hobbies. The challenge is going to be trying to help him find that without being pushy. Just be there for him, it sucks but you are probably more influential to him than you even know. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 999
Location: Sunny So Cal | My Grandfather went through that when my Grandmother died. He actually attempted suicide but we were able to get him to the hospital in time. He did go to counseling and we tried to keep him busy and happy. He picked up a hobby which was perfect because it gave him something to look forward to everyday. I send you prayers, good luck and good vibes. It's hard and keep your eyes open. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1440
Location: Texas | I think if he is able to keep working that would be best for him. Going home to live with your parents and not doing anything to fill the day is the worst thing he could do. Depression is always worst when the mind is idle, when people are busy they do t have time to think and dwell on the things that are bringing them down. Even if he doesn't want to go to counseling he does need to, however unless he makes an honest effort with a therapist the time won't be productive for him. Perhaps he will talk to you and tell you why he feels like he does. In my opinion the worst thing anyone could do for him is to dismiss his feeling by sayin things like " don't think like that" or say he's being silly etc. it is important that his feelings are validated even if you don't understand them. |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| Men don't usually use drugs for suicide. Tylenol generally doesn't kill people right away it slowly attacks the liver, sometimes it will take a month. Drugs is a women's suicide generally.
So my question is this an identity crisis? Anyway he is gay as the confusion and lack of support from family or the thought of lack of support can cause many into a deep depression.
If he lives with you make sure guns are locked up. And be aware of possible places of hanging.
Again make sure he has purpose, try and get him to socialize with people, try and get him involved in church, volunteer maybe for habitat for humanity or something similar something where he gets to work with his hands.
See if he will take vitamin d supplement as this is becoming a front line drug for mild depression, see if he will go to the gym, exercise release endorphins.
Edited by cheryl makofka 2014-04-08 9:20 PM
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10D Crack Champion
| No advice here. Best wishes to you and your family.
I do have to wonder if being with your parents is the best idea. Not to offend you, but is some of the depression you and he have felt stemming from something both of you experienced with your parents. Meaning, could they possibly make the situation worse? I hope I do not offend you, but when 2 children out of 3 raised in the same home by the same people have mental/emotional issues it makes one wonder. Does your older brother have any issues as well? Would he tell if he did?
Edited by sodapop 2014-04-08 10:14 PM
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Regular
Posts: 71
| Have you tried to explain that depression is a chemical imbalance within body and is an illness just like anything other physical illness. Antidepressants are a wonderful help in helping to lose sense of helplessness. They were a great help during my divorce. Also went the counseling route. Try to get him to doctor. Also tell him antidepressants are non addictive and are not the same as anti anxiety meds which can be addictive. I am RN and have several try use this argument. Men can be very stubborn. Prayers for you. |
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Member
Posts: 16
| Hugs!!!!
I agree with everything mentioned above. This just popped into my head. Does he have a dog? If not would your hubby and you be ok with him getting one. Animals, and specially dogs do wonders on the soul. They are always happy to see you, they don't judge, they are get listeners, ect ect |
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Member
Posts: 7
| As far as him going to live (maybe) with my parents, he would have plenty to do as it's the middle of calving season right now. I can't imagine the small amount of sleep my parents are getting between calving and the situation with my brother. Been a rough calving season too with 2 cows and 3 calves dying so far. Yes its a stressful time at the farm but my brother has expressed that he feels SAFE when he's at the farm and he typically feels better when he's at the farm. He wouldn't have much in social interaction but he would have a purpose and would have things that need to be done. Plus my parents are around 24/7. I am taking some time off of work but I can't be home 24/7 with him.
Cheryl that was my thought too. I've always been told that guys go for the guns. Obviously Tylenol isn't the strongest thing you can take, but it's what was sitting in his bedroom in front of him when he was having the thoughts to do it. He's not home yet, but I thought about hiding all our pill bottles. But then I should also hide all the kitchen knives. We don't have any rope lying around but unfortunately we have an entired unfinished basement with lots of 2x4's to hang from. I feel like it would be impossible to bubble-proof the house because he could go buy his own knife. Or crash his pickup down a steep ditch. Or who knows what.
Sodapop - My depression was "school induced" let's say, without going into too much detail. Didn't have anything to do with how I was raised at home. Part of my depression was because I was so far away from home, and wanted to be home.
I spoke to him on the phone last night around 10 PM when he finally got done with work. He does not want to go see a therapist. He talked to my older brother before he talked to me, and then called my parents after he talked to me. So he is at least talking. I consider that a good sign.
We've got a therapist appointment set up for him tomorrow. I plan on taking him myself .... if he will let me take him. I tried to explain it last night, as in well let's give it a try. Maybe it will be helpful? He said he wants to try to figure it out himself first before going to a therapist but I told him that there's nothing wrong with seeking help and I don't think any less of him for it. I'm just trying to get him to see that there is no shame in going to the therapist. I told him that it maybe won't help (doesn't for everyone) but that it would be worth a try.
Spoke to my mother briefly this morning. She mentioned looking into admitting him. I totally agree with her concern. He told me last night that he feels like he could crack. I told him to just go one day at a time. One day at a time.
He does not have a dog, but hubby and I have a 6-month-old lab who is in the house with us. He does enjoy playing with the dog.
Again, thank you everyone for offering your advice and experiences.
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 Looking for Lady Jockey
Posts: 3747
Location: Rodeos or Baseball games | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1273
Location: South Dakota | Just sending hugs and want to say it sounds like he has a wonderful family that is really pulling together for him. |
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That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
| Also i'm sure he would think we are all crazy. But if he wanted to talk to some stranger about it, i'm more than willing. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1218
Location: Great NW | |
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