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Elite Veteran
Posts: 831
  
| First a little background on me. I love my dad to death but I have grown up watching him get married and then meeting someone else getting divorced and remarried very quickly after. Then as an adult I get married to man that cheated on me (as far as one night stands) a lot. Haha, with him it was just one night stands because he knew they wouldn't support his loser ass!! Got divorced and fast forward I am now remarried for almost a year.
Ok so for some crazy reason I sometimes get very insecure with myself and my husband. My husband hasn't ever cheated, and in my heart of hearts I don't think that he ever will!! But I guess because of my background I just stay insecure!! I stay scared to death that he will meet someone better than me and want to leave. Kinda like that old country song "I live her but I love u more, but she ain't done nothing wrong." Anyway I try to work it out in my head and I hav been to therapy for months and I pray about it but sometimes my little brain just takes over and I can't control it. And it's starting to make me crazy!! The worst part is my husband never really gives me a reason to be so insecure, it's all in my head!!
And I don't know really what I'm asking or of I'm really asking anything I just needed an out!! Thanks guys!! | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| Bless your heart. You sweet little thing it is apparent you love you husband. I have no advice except you might want to keep praying and with time it will get better. Good luck | |
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  Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
 
Location: Florida.. | start living in the now and not the past..I'd dump therapy that drags up the past marriage issues and enjoy your man and life. Nothing is gonna make him not cheat .. Except you can be happy. Make each other happy and live for now
Edited by Bibliafarm 2014-04-26 6:53 PM
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| You're going to get plenty of 'you shoulds, you need tos', but my free advice is,
You need to get over it. We all have insecurities, and torture ourselves with the thoughts of what ifs. The only way to deal with it fairly to your husband (because you're not being fair), is to finally forgive the other men in your life, believe that it wasn't your fault, that **** happens, that men are men, women are women, and that the only thing to do is concentrate on being the best woman you can be, NOW.
Your husband loves just you. Or he wouldn't have married you. There's nothing to stop him being with someone else, it's true, but that's what makes a relationship exciting. That's what is exciting about my marriage, knowing that he's a very lust worthy item that loves just me. I spend my time finding ways to keep him, reassure him, and be that bad, strong, independent woman he met on the dance floor. (He likes that!!)
You owe it to yourself to be happy (see reference, pursuit of happiness). Stop worrying about IF he cheats. Be that bad ***** he loves, or that sweet chic he can't get enough of, or that quiet, mild lady, or whomever you really are. Stop worrying that you're not good enough, because you are! This boils down to you thinking that you suck, why would anyone treat you right. Get over it and be the person that you love. If you take a stand and make yourself take a break, and smile, and think, "I'm the ****.", then you'll laugh inside and do whatever it is that makes the people around you (ie your hubby) happy too.
Be confident and smile. If you're not confident, fake it. Fake the hell out of it. Eventually it becomes habit when you see all the joy that integrity, faith, and ability to change can bring! Confidence is a gateway (drug?) to all that is good in a happy life. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 2097
Location: Deep South | classicpotatochip - 2014-04-26 7:58 AM
You're going to get plenty of 'you shoulds, you need tos', but my free advice is,
You need to get over it. We all have insecurities, and torture ourselves with the thoughts of what ifs. The only way to deal with it fairly to your husband (because you're not being fair), is to finally forgive the other men in your life, believe that it wasn't your fault, that **** happens, that men are men, women are women, and that the only thing to do is concentrate on being the best woman you can be, NOW.
Your husband loves just you. Or he wouldn't have married you. There's nothing to stop him being with someone else, it's true, but that's what makes a relationship exciting. That's what is exciting about my marriage, knowing that he's a very lust worthy item that loves just me. I spend my time finding ways to keep him, reassure him, and be that bad, strong, independent woman he met on the dance floor. (He likes that!!)
You owe it to yourself to be happy (see reference, pursuit of happiness). Stop worrying about IF he cheats. Be that bad ***** he loves, or that sweet chic he can't get enough of, or that quiet, mild lady, or whomever you really are. Stop worrying that you're not good enough, because you are! This boils down to you thinking that you suck, why would anyone treat you right. Get over it and be the person that you love. If you take a stand and make yourself take a break, and smile, and think, "I'm the ****.", then you'll laugh inside and do whatever it is that makes the people around you (ie your hubby) happy too.
Be confident and smile. If you're not confident, fake it. Fake the hell out of it. Eventually it becomes habit when you see all the joy that integrity, faith, and ability to change can bring! Confidence is a gateway (drug?) to all that is good in a happy life.
This. All of it. Times 100.
You ARE worthy of being loved and being faithful to, soon as you believe it the insecurities will melt away.
Hugs to you! And kudos for getting back out there after your first hubs was such a loser!
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 BHW's Lance Armstrong 
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | Love and treat him like there is no other so he wouldn't have a reason to go looking! | |
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Sock Snob
Posts: 3021
| Sorry for your problem. | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 989
| Was going to say get confidence in yourself. If someone is going to cheat or if the marriage is not going to work... and, you have done your part, been open to talking, and supportive... then it is what it is going to be and your not always to blame. If that makes sense. lol
Let your previous walks of life make you stronger and realize that it might not have been that way because of you. There are alot of other things that contribute to that.. If you have a guy that is truly in love with you and your supposed to be together. You have nothing to worry about as nothing will happen. | |
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Lickable I mean Likeable
Posts: 3965
Location: De Berry, Tx | How long did you date before getting married? I had a lot of baggage too. It just took time. We dated a year before we got married and have been married almost a year. It took up until probably Christmas for me to totally let go of my baggage. He has always been very patient and he always tells me how beautiful and how much he loves me. One thing that helped me was when I had that moment I would tell myself "he isn't the "other" person" that helped a lot. And if I just couldn't shake the feeling I would talk to him about it. We are really open with each other about each others baggage and that helps. He was cheated on too so I guess we both understand. | |
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 Goat Giver
Posts: 23166
| Douglas J Gordon - 2014-04-26 6:50 PM Love and treat him like there is no other so he wouldn't have a reason to go looking!
My mom did that, and all it got her was a string of other women over the years. It ended with me having an bastard sister some 20 years younger than myself after my father was convicted of a felony related to the relationship with the mother.
My solution is to be secure enough with MYSELF that if the husband leaves, I know I'll be just fine. I do not need a man to complete me. | |
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Queen Bean of Ponyland
Posts: 24954
Location: WYOMING | NOTHING you do can make anyone stay or not stray. The best thing to do is to get some confidence up and like and respect yourself. Nothing drives a wedge in a relationship quicker than insecurity and the other person feeling like they are doing everything right but are still being mistrusted. Cant stop what happens so quit worrying about what MIGHT happen and start enjoying and nurturing your marriage. | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 974
Location: USA | I grew up with a dad that cheated on my mom and all that jazz. I'm now happily married and I love my husband to pieces, and vice versa. We actually have a friend who is going through a divorce right now and had been cheating on his wife for years. It really upset my husband because he had always looked up to this guy for guidance thinking that he had a fantastic marriage. We were discussing the cheating his friend did a few weeks ago and I told my husband, "if you're dumb enough to cheat on me, then you're not smart enough to be my husband." My point is, you need to be comfortable in your own shoes. You don't need a man or a marriage to feel validated or "complete". You need to know that you're a dam(n) good catch and any man would be lucky enough to call you his wife. If you continue to live in the past, then your marriage can never grow and blossom into what it will become in the future.
Edited by Dreamingofcans 2014-04-27 9:54 AM
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 Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | kmcsunshine - 2014-04-27 8:44 AM Douglas J Gordon - 2014-04-26 6:50 PM Love and treat him like there is no other so he wouldn't have a reason to go looking! My mom did that, and all it got her was a string of other women over the years. It ended with me having an bastard sister some 20 years younger than myself after my father was convicted of a felony related to the relationship with the mother.
My solution is to be secure enough with MYSELF that if the husband leaves, I know I'll be just fine. I do not need a man to complete me.
I agree.....SMH......DG's insinuation is that it is the woman's fault that a man strays.....NOT SO......they are just dirt bags who think of only themselves and their ONE body part....... | |
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Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| I don't quite agree. It's true, some men really are just jerks. I know though, if I quit respecting myself, and started acting like a ninny, or a little jerk, or put my man out of the picture over and over again (and made it a regular thing over time), he would be SO gone.
Read, "Why Men Marry *****es" and "The Manuel", and if you're feeling brave, anything by Dr Laura. She's great when I'm on a self righteous roll and my hubby could use a break from my attitude. Also, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" is great to make you laugh and make you think. | |
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BHW's Lance Armstrong
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | NJJ - 2014-04-27 9:55 AM kmcsunshine - 2014-04-27 8:44 AM Douglas J Gordon - 2014-04-26 6:50 PM Love and treat him like there is no other so he wouldn't have a reason to go looking! My mom did that, and all it got her was a string of other women over the years. It ended with me having an bastard sister some 20 years younger than myself after my father was convicted of a felony related to the relationship with the mother.
My solution is to be secure enough with MYSELF that if the husband leaves, I know I'll be just fine. I do not need a man to complete me.
Again, NJJ enters my mind and tries to interpretate what I wrote and is wrong again. In a relationship whether it be the male or female, if you love them and care for them the other would have no need to go looking else where. | |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | Douglas J Gordon - 2014-04-27 3:35 PM NJJ - 2014-04-27 9:55 AM kmcsunshine - 2014-04-27 8:44 AM Douglas J Gordon - 2014-04-26 6:50 PM Love and treat him like there is no other so he wouldn't have a reason to go looking! My mom did that, and all it got her was a string of other women over the years. It ended with me having an bastard sister some 20 years younger than myself after my father was convicted of a felony related to the relationship with the mother.
My solution is to be secure enough with MYSELF that if the husband leaves, I know I'll be just fine. I do not need a man to complete me.
That doesn't mean they won't. | |
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 Peecans
| Douglas J Gordon - 2014-04-27 2:35 PM
NJJ - 2014-04-27 9:55 AM kmcsunshine - 2014-04-27 8:44 AM Douglas J Gordon - 2014-04-26 6:50 PM Love and treat him like there is no other so he wouldn't have a reason to go looking! My mom did that, and all it got her was a string of other women over the years. It ended with me having an bastard sister some 20 years younger than myself after my father was convicted of a felony related to the relationship with the mother.
My solution is to be secure enough with MYSELF that if the husband leaves, I know I'll be just fine. I do not need a man to complete me.
While I get what you are saying, its not the time or place. This is the last thing a woman needs to here that already feels like she failed at two important male relationships tjat should have been life long.
Sweetie its not your fault. No matter how good of a wife, lover, mother to his children for some men it is never good enfough. I know how the scars and baggage of a father who dosent have enfough room on his heart to love his daughter can affect you your entire life, it can suck every bit of self confidence you have. I also know thw pain of being g cheated on.
Over a year later and I have days that still really hurt. The thoughts I have are wrong and my little brain completely runs away with them. I was so angry and bitter and hated everything around me.
My advice to you: Find your self, love your self. Let your husband in and know you are struggling. If he knows he can help. Every moment one of thoes poisonous negative thoughts enters your mind, stop it! Say no dont let ot continue make a conscious effort to say no that is wrong and think of nothing but good. Its so hard at the start, but the more you practice positive thought the easier it gets and the more it helps. A negative mind will always push into every day life and cause issues.
Also you should wright three great things about you, your husband your life, and tape it some where you look alot, bathroom mirror is a good place, and remind your self every time you see it you are worthy, your husband loves you and only you, or what ever you need to wright to help your self find peace within your self.
I also really recommend a book called "battle field of the mind" it is a religious book (im not sure your beliefs) but it helped (and still helps) me he my mind right.
If you ever need to talk im just a pm away. Sorry I rambled on and on ill stop now lol. | |
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 The Original Cyber Bartender
Location: Washington | You deserve to be you, you deserve to be happy. SO get healthy with yourself and the rest will follow. I do not allow anyone to be in control of my needs or wants and or happiness. You take care of this yourself, and the rest follows.
Quit asking "why you" and start saying "why not you."
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Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | Douglas J Gordon - 2014-04-27 3:35 PM NJJ - 2014-04-27 9:55 AM kmcsunshine - 2014-04-27 8:44 AM Douglas J Gordon - 2014-04-26 6:50 PM Love and treat him like there is no other so he wouldn't have a reason to go looking! My mom did that, and all it got her was a string of other women over the years. It ended with me having an bastard sister some 20 years younger than myself after my father was convicted of a felony related to the relationship with the mother.
My solution is to be secure enough with MYSELF that if the husband leaves, I know I'll be just fine. I do not need a man to complete me.
LOL......that's really funny because I usually agree with you..... | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1718
Location: Southeast Louisiana | I agree with the part where kmcsunshine said not to need a man to complete you. Be secure in yourself.
But, I gotta admit, when I first read your original post, my first thought was that you need some medication. Your current husband hasn't done anything to deserve your lack of trust, so don't make the man miserable. Not saying that's happening, but I've seen plenty of guys come unraveled over that very same thing. If your thoughts are causing problems, do whatever you need to do about that. | |
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