|
|
 Expert
Posts: 1432
  
Location: Never in one place long | Three months ago my husband took a new position within his current place of employment... before he decided to take this job we talked about it and I told him if it meant more stress, more hrs etc etc. the extra money wasn't worth it to me and I'd rather him not take it...... he ASSURED me it wouldn't which I was hesitant to believe but he wanted to take it so agreed. Well... the last three months have been hell!! He's been leaving for work about 45 minutes early, getting home 1-2 hrs later than normal and doesn't even have time to answer my call or text on his lunch break... he even bring his work home with him and has been doing way less than usual around the house meaning I have to pick up the slack.. not to mention he is always snappy and grumpy and doesn't seem to care about my feelings at all.
I'm not sure what to do... I've tried talking to him about it and saying that this was NOT what we had agreed on and we get no where, he just snaps at me and walks away, I try talking to him at night, he apparently could care less and sees NOTHING wrong because he just falls asleep. He has never once apologized or even tried to empathize with how I feel. I'm so mad and not sure what to do... we had our problems before this but now I totally resent him and find it very hard to even try to be positive or nice to him...... I need advice for those of you that have gone through similar situations as I am definitely not making any progress and find my self wanting to be away from him as much as possible. | |
| | |
 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Ohhh no I'm sorry that you are going threw this, I have no advice for you but just wanted to give you a big ole hug...
 (monkey-hug-bear_793959i.jpg)
Attachments
----------------
 monkey-hug-bear_793959i.jpg (62KB - 217 downloads)
| |
| | |
Expert
Posts: 1543
Location: MI | Me too  Marriage is so hard sometimes. | |
| | |
Rad Dork
Posts: 5218
Location: Oklahoma | I wish I could tell you a sure fire way on how to make it easier, but I can't. My husband has a ridiculously demanding job and I get put in a similar situation as yours (too busy to call/text during the day, crazy hours, being tired and sometimes cranky) and it's hard to deal with. We don't have chores that each other does... I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, bill paying, etc. and he works his tail off ensuring that we have jobs (family business and it rests on his shoulders right now). We don't get to vacation together because he simply can't be away for longer than a few days out of the year... And he needs those days to go elk hunting and find his own release from the stress. We've certainly had some rough times where things aren't pretty and it's not the life that I ever wanted, but I know that some day when we're older and things can settle down we can relax and enjoy life together a bit more. The hardest thing for me to do sometimes is swallow my pride and keep my negative mouth shut. Men don't reason the same way women do and harping on them has never gotten me anywhere. If you think you need to get away for a few hours instead of starting a fight and saying words you can't take back , then by all means do it.
my best advise (and probably not agreeable on by all) would be to put your hurt feelings to the side and pour on the charm for a night. One small gesture can sometimes open up lots of kindness and you both can slowly build from there. The respond much better to "other" means of communication if you catch my drift...
| |
| | |
  Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | Try being married to an active duty soldier once :)Have you once stopped to consider how he feels? How overwhelmed he may be? He may be trying but some jobs are purely exhausting and then he comes home to an unhappy wife. Maybe he's feeling a little under appreciated and such.....just saying..... | |
| | |
Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | missroselee - 2014-07-12 7:21 PM
Try being married to an active duty soldier once :)Have you once stopped to consider how he feels? How overwhelmed he may be? He may be trying but some jobs are purely exhausting and then he comes home to an unhappy wife. Maybe he's feeling a little under appreciated and such.....just saying.....
I'm sure he is feeling underappreciated and that is my fault due to my resentment at him not caring how much time he spends with me and putting his job before his family it seems. He actually is in the Military as a reservist so we've been through deployments, long trips, training and he travels quite often for a month at a time with this job so I now the feeling! We're used to spending time apart as that has always been the way things are, it's how he is when he comes home and that he is very unempathetic to me and I am to him as well. :( I'm trying to be NICE lol. | |
| | |
| Marriage is not easy. Men put a lot of pressure on themselves to make a good living, just because it's not important to you doesn't mean it's not very important to him. Plus, men have a need to be respected in their jobs and at home It doesn't sound like you give him a very happy home to come home to.
My husband was out of town a lot during the earlier years of our marriage and now he works very long hours...it's not always been easy for either of us but I respect a man that works hard...so many don't, you know. Just from reading your post, I felt sorry for him, for you too, but more for him.
Edited by runs4fun 2014-07-12 7:45 PM
| |
| | |
 Veteran
Posts: 141
Location: Centerville, TN | I'm so sorry for all that you and your husband is going through. I've been going through some tough times myself. Family issues, finances, my husband works for the Dept of Correction. A very dangerous and stressful job. He keeps a lot from me but by doing that it makes me feel like I'm one of his prisoners, in fact I have been a prisoners, I was arrested for getting into a fight with my mother cause I never could do anything to please her. My brother on the other hand is the golden child and everything that comes out of his mouth she believes. He's the one that called the police on me when my mother was the one that attacked me...... I was molested as a child by a family member. My parents never ask what happened or that they loved me. never said they were sorry this had happened to me. And the family member still comes around and my parents welcome him into their home like nothing happened. Now I have Post Dramatic Syndrome, I'm on medication, spent eight days in a mental hospital. My husband doesn't want to talk to me about all that is going on. I go to court Monday to see what happens to me... Coming from someone that is there, you can't keep it all inside. It will eat you alive. Trust me I know.... I pray that things don't get as bad for you as they are for me.... Pray, Pray hard to find peace. Peace with your husband and with yourself. God Bless !!!!!! | |
| | |
Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | runs4fun - 2014-07-12 7:43 PM
Marriage is not easy. Men put a lot of pressure on themselves to make a good living, just because it's not important to you doesn't mean it's not very important to him. Plus, men have a need to be respected in their jobs and at home It doesn't sound like you give him a very happy home to come home to.
My husband was out of town a lot during the earlier years of our marriage and now he works very long hours...it's not always been easy for either of us but I respect a man that works hard...so many don't, you know. Just from reading your post, I felt sorry for him, for you too, but more for him.
That is true and I'm lucky to have a guy that works hard but working isn't everything... I grew up on a dairy farm with a father who always put work first, he didn't care if he spent any time with us and if we did, we had to spent it with him at the farm, to this day he has no relationship with any of his kids or Grandkids..he still works everyday and doesn't care... so he's worked his life away for what? I'd rather have him then the money honestly but you're 100% right in saying men put a high emphasis on making a good living, especially in America but that isn't everything in this short life. It's hard to explain that to a hard working guy though! | |
| | |
 Expert
Posts: 1718
Location: Southeast Louisiana | Try this... Tell him you know things aren't great, but you want to do whatever it takes to make it better. Start by letting him know you do appreciate everything he does. Then ask what you can do to help. Maybe even apologize and offer to try and make changes, especially if all of his statements are "just don't do this" or "stop doing this"
At first, he might be defensive and you might get answers like "nothing" or "I'm fine". Just let it go. Don't assume that, since you tried once, you've done your part. Be sincere. Try again the next day. He will eventually talk to you about it.
You're both resentful and one of you needs to steer out of the spin. It won't be easy or happen overnight.
After you show him some everyday support for a while, you can bring up your needs, if he doesn't start to reciprocate on his own. | |
| | |
Expert
Posts: 1718
Location: Southeast Louisiana | Mimi barrel racer - 2014-07-12 8:21 PM
I'm so sorry for all that you and your husband is going through. I've been going through some tough times myself. Family issues, finances, my husband works for the Dept of Correction. A very dangerous and stressful job. He keeps a lot from me but by doing that it makes me feel like I'm one of his prisoners, in fact I have been a prisoners, I was arrested for getting into a fight with my mother cause I never could do anything to please her. My brother on the other hand is the golden child and everything that comes out of his mouth she believes. He's the one that called the police on me when my mother was the one that attacked me...... I was molested as a child by a family member. My parents never ask what happened or that they loved me. never said they were sorry this had happened to me. And the family member still comes around and my parents welcome him into their home like nothing happened. Now I have Post Dramatic Syndrome, I'm on medication, spent eight days in a mental hospital. My husband doesn't want to talk to me about all that is going on. I go to court Monday to see what happens to me... Coming from someone that is there, you can't keep it all inside. It will eat you alive. Trust me I know.... I pray that things don't get as bad for you as they are for me.... Pray, Pray hard to find peace. Peace with your husband and with yourself. God Bless !!!!!!
Oh my goodness! I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through all of that. That is just terrible. | |
| | |
 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | DLV - 2014-07-12 8:23 PM
runs4fun - 2014-07-12 7:43 PM
Marriage is not easy. Men put a lot of pressure on themselves to make a good living, just because it's not important to you doesn't mean it's not very important to him. Plus, men have a need to be respected in their jobs and at home It doesn't sound like you give him a very happy home to come home to.
My husband was out of town a lot during the earlier years of our marriage and now he works very long hours...it's not always been easy for either of us but I respect a man that works hard...so many don't, you know. Just from reading your post, I felt sorry for him, for you too, but more for him.
That is true and I'm lucky to have a guy that works hard but working isn't everything... I grew up on a dairy farm with a father who always put work first, he didn't care if he spent any time with us and if we did, we had to spent it with him at the farm, to this day he has no relationship with any of his kids or Grandkids..he still works everyday and doesn't care... so he's worked his life away for what? I'd rather have him then the money honestly but you're 100% right in saying men put a high emphasis on making a good living, especially in America but that isn't everything in this short life. It's hard to explain that to a hard working guy though!
Daughter of a row crop farmer for whom family time has never been a priority, so I know exactly of what you speak. I'm not sure why my parents are still married. | |
| | |
 BHW Resident Surgeon
Posts: 25352
Location: Bastrop, Texas | OK, from a man's perspective, I'm just going to go ahead and be blunt here.
First of all, I'd love to hear his side of the story. This, to me, sounds like a hard working man simply trying to get ahead. If what you are saying is accurate, he's been working his ass off, and maybe he is having trouble adjusting to the new position and new responsibilities. The guy took a chance and is trying to advance......if he ends up being successful, you just might wind up as a beneficiary of his hard work, and maybe, just maybe you will wind up realizing that one of these days. I'll tell you one thing....you could do a heck of a lot worse. Sure, talk it over, but I would try hard to suck it up and roll with it as best you can. Chances are, if his position is as bad as it seems now, he will take it upon himself to make a change. I'm curious....are you working outside the home as well? | |
| | |
 Underestimated Underdog
Posts: 3971
Location: Minnesota | This sounds exactly like mine and my husband's situation except in my case, I am the one who took the promotion. I work 20-30 more hours a week than my husband. I work 6 days a week and I'm on call. I did this to help my husband and I get ahead. I'm exhausted physically and emtionally. I get home and I barely have energy to get to the barn. My husband is stressed because I let the laundry go a few days longer and let the dirty dishes sit longer but thinking in the long run, this will be best for us. Things are tough now but I did this to gain more in the future. Give him a break. After I explained all this to my husband he somewhat got it. Its an adjustment and takes time. Good luck. | |
| | |
 More bootie than waist!
Posts: 18425
Location: Riding Crackhead. | Maybe you should be happy he works for a living. There's a hell of a lot of dead beats around, yours wants to work. | |
| | |
BHW Resident Surgeon
Posts: 25352
Location: Bastrop, Texas | CYA Ranch - 2014-07-13 12:03 AM
Maybe you should be happy he works for a living. There's a hell of a lot of dead beats around, yours wants to work.
Exactly, Val. | |
| | |
 Horsey Gene Carrier
Posts: 1888
Location: LaBelle, Florida | Give it some time, and like the others say, try to help him out.
I know when I took on additional responsibilties at my job it took several months for me to get in the swing of things. And yes, I was exhausted and worked additional hours to get my work done.
Now that I know and am practised at it, the only time I end up staying longer than I planned is 'in season' and everyone (at work) is busting a hump.
Remember, men in general, think different than women. They tend to be doers, not talkers. Let him know that you appreciate what he is doing and give him time to adjust to the new job. | |
| | |
Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | HotbearLVR - 2014-07-13 12:07 AM CYA Ranch - 2014-07-13 12:03 AM Maybe you should be happy he works for a living. There's a hell of a lot of dead beats around, yours wants to work. Exactly, Val.
Agree... Be thankful that he cares enough to work hard and get the job done. He may have thought that the job would not be this involved when he made those promises to you. And realistically, he can't just tell his boss, "I have to go home because this isn't what my wife and I agreed to."
I can understand being sad or lonely- my husband works a lot of hours owning his own business. Honestly though, I don't understand the anger and resentment. He's doing his best to provide. Hard-working people are few and far between in this world- appreciate that you have someone who cares enough about you to work until they are literally at the point of exhaustion.
Try to see things from his perspective. Marriage is give and take, and often it feels like you are giving more than taking. I'd cut him some slack during what is likely an extremely stressful time in his life instead of adding to the stress when he gets home from work. (JMHO) | |
| | |
 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| My husband works long hours, he has an incredible work ethic. Yes, it was hard, he was gone by 5 in the morning and would not get home til after 6 or 7 and I was home with 4 kids. We were dead broke back then and I appreciated how hard he was willing to work for our family. That said I missed him, I never complained about the long work hours, we didn't have a pot to piss in, but I can still remember a huge fight we had when his sister wanted to take him fishing for the day. Hubby had been working for 3 months straight, going in a few hours every Saturday and Sunday, the kids were 4,3,18 months and 3 months. I blew a gasket and said you take off a day to spend with us and then you can go fishing. His sister got really mad at me which is a whole other story and why he was trying to keep the peace with her. He was a hands on dad when he was home, when the kids got older he never missed a soccer game, rodeo, etc. He still works those hours, makes huge $$ now (and if I am being honest, I like the big bucks and am glad he does what it takes to make that kind of money). He is gone to work when I wake up so there are evening jackpots, invites from friends that I don't go to all the time so I can be at home and spend time with him in the evenings, that is my choice of what I can do for him.
Edited too add, that after re reading your posts it sounds like your issue may be deeper than the long work hours but more along the lines that you feel like he does not care about your considerations and how this change is effecting you. I don't know what the answer is for you, as others have said, he is beat and focused on work and the new promotion. The question is how to get him focused on you??? IDK, it's probably the last thing you want to do but what would happen if you did some really nice things for him?? Play the part of the loving spouse and maybe you both will truly begin to feel that.
Edited by rodeomom3 2014-07-13 7:54 AM
| |
| | |
Expert
Posts: 1543
Location: MI | I’ve been where you are on almost all accounts, where I’ve tried to get my husband’s word or asked about the future, then been disappointed/felt resentment/hurt/etc when things weren’t as he said, for whatever reason.
Over time though I’ve found that I can’t get upset with my spouse for my reactions, as much as I want to and as much as it may be ‘justified’ per the situation. I know this isn’t a ‘popular’ view and it’s certainly not easy to carry out, but it is what it is.
I’m also learning to ask the questions, but not ask for my husband’s word, because as much as I want to be able to stick him with it, it’s not fair. He can’t control the future as much as I can’t. We just have to roll with it.
What I am responsible for is my attitude and what I give to the relationship. And honestly, in my relationship, my husband often listens more if I ‘fall on my sword’, so to speak. So…if my spouse has been grumpy/stressed/etc I might ask - genuinely, even though I might not feel that way, “Honey, it seems that you have been stressed lately. Is there anything I can do to help?” or “Honey, I hate to see you so upset and unhappy, is there anything you need?” If I still get a closed door, I give it some time and then return to it. It's not easy for time to go by in a stressful situation, but sometimes it needs to diffuse a little
Also, a lot of times when I’m feeling anger or resentment, I realize that it’s because I’m sad or hurt about the situation. I think it’s better to label it what it is, because anger and resentment isn’t good for communication, but sometimes sadness and hurt allow for vulnerability that opens up communication. "I realized that I'm not so much angry about you working more, I'm more sad that we aren't able to spend as much time together. Can we plan a date night/do xyz sometime soon?"
For what it’s worth, more ‘time’ isn’t time well spent unless the person spends it wisely. Hopefully, even though it’s less time at home, you guys can still spend quality time together. :)
Edited by Ridenrun4745 2014-07-13 10:01 AM
| |
| |
| |
Folks on-line