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 Expert
Posts: 3534
   
Location: Stuck in a cubicle having tropical thoughts | This is really hard for me to post about. My husband and I lost our first child, our daughter, 5 weeks ago. She was stillborn 3 weeks before her due date. We went in for our regular checkup and there was no heartbeat. We have no reason that this happened except that she most likely pinched her cord and cut off her own blood flow. I'd had a perfect pregnancy otherwise. Every test and checkup came back fine. I had been there 11 days prior and had an ultrasound and they said everything still looked great. My husband and I were/are shocked, devastated, heartbroken.....the list goes on. In the time since I've gone throuhg every emotion possible. I am 31 and he is 37. We celebrated our 3rd anniversary the week after we had her. We've known each other 6 years.
One day before the doctor appt my MIL hosted a baby shower at her house with about 15 of her friends.
Five days prior my co-workers threw a surprise shower/food day to celebrate baby Mira.
Eight days prior my mom and grandma hosted a baby shower with my family and firends. Approx 60 people.
After the news at the doctors office, I had to go to the hospital and be induced. They had told me labor could last for days and could be very painful. Luckily I was only in the hospital about 15 hours before I delivered her. We had about 2 days with her, to hold her, take photos, take clay imprints of her fingers and feet. For the first time in my life, I saw my dad cry. The day after we left the hospital we met with the funeral director to plan a service. We had to pick a cemetery plots. Not only did we buy a spot for our daughter, we bought our spots next to her. We placed an order for her headstone, along with our headstone, on her original due date. I picked out rocking horses, carousel's and teddy bears to set up at the funeral home. All of the baby shower gifts were still sitting in the front room of our house in bags and boxes because we did not have time to go through them before we found out this news (we thought we had a few more weeks to get organized). We have since went through the gifts and taken them to her room. My husband and I go to the cemetery every day.
So here is my problem. My MIL has bugged me to death about Thank You notes for her friends. (my mom and grandma have not said a word about sending thank you notes). Everytime she is at our house she asks about them and she texts me about them multiple times a week. In fact, the first time they were at our house without other people here (within a week of losing our daughter), she got out her handwritten sheets with names and addresses and starts off with "I hope this isn't to soon but I want you to think about sending these". She also wants me to send a thank you to every person who showed up at the funeral or sent flowers to the funeral. She also offers to write the thank yous and send them out for us. I feel that this is a unique situation and people that came to the shower understand this situation and that people that came to the funeral or sent flowers did not do it to receive a thank you. I have been to hundreds of calling hours or funerals and have never received a Thank You. I did not go to receive a Thank you note. At work I have thrown numerous surprise birthday parties, baby showers and wedding showers and taken cards around for funeral losses of coworkers. I have gone around and taken up thousands of dollars in donation money for gifts, charities, etc and have never received or expected a thank you. The MIL is bugging me to death about this. She wants us to send notes to all of our co-workers also. I feel like people have done what they have to help console us because they wanted to, not because they want a thank you. In my life, when family members have passed, nobody has sent out Thank yous.
Now, for some background, this woman grew up very poor. When she raised her kids, she stretched a dollar farther than you'd ever think it could stretch. She now believes she is the Queen of England. Her house looks like a museum. I have never seen a home so formal with everything in it's place. She cleans it daily. She even cleans her stuff in storage in her attic and basement. Animals are not allowed in her house. She critisizes everybody elses house. I could go on and on, but this is already long enough. I'm just looking for opinions. Prior to the showers, I had already bought thank you cards with intentions of sending them but my husband and I have learned "that the impossible is possible". You always worry something will happen to your child, but you never believe this will really happen. I personally am not feeling up to sitting down and writing out thank yous right now and the situation feels worse due to her constant pressure about it. |
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
 
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | id tell her to take a flying leap........actually your husband should be telling her to back off........
sorry for your loss...:(
m |
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 Texas Tenderheart
Posts: 6715
Location: Red Raiderland | I'm so very sorry for your loss and tell your MIL to butt out! I would never expect any kind of thank you after the loss y'all are dealing with.  |
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| I am so sorry for your loss. The pain you and your family are feeling is unimaginable. My heart breaks for you just reading what you have been through. The only suggestion that I can make is if your MIL offered to write and send the thank you notes, then go ahead and allow her to do so. I'm sure that people do understand and do not expect a thank you however it will relieve the pressure off of you to write them, plus give your MIL something to do instead of pester you. Many prayers for you and your family.  |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1028
| I'd say you have enough to worry about without her bugging you. No advice really, just hugs and prayers. |
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 Expert
Posts: 2457
| I am so sorry for you loss. I will keep you in my prayers.
I'd ask your husband to stand up to her and tell her to back the F off. |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| Prayers to you and your family.
I agree with Misty, I would tell her that
I will write thank you's to who I want and when I want, right now I don't want to. If you respect me you will not bring this up again, I am mourning the death of my child.
Again Prayers to your family, and during this time, no reasonable person would expect a thank you, nor would they think worse of you for screaming at your MIL
It actually might be good for the soul to tell her to shove it
Edited by cheryl makofka 2014-09-17 12:49 PM
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 Porta Potty Pants
Posts: 2600
| I'm so sorry for your loss.
As for your MIL … tell her, "thank you. I know you're trying to help, but I'm just not ready. I will let you know when I'm ready and I'm sure that everyone will understand." |
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 Namesless in BHW
Posts: 10368
Location: At the race track with Ah Dee Ohs | lindseylou2290 - 2014-09-17 12:44 PM I am so sorry for you loss. I will keep you in my prayers. I'd ask your husband to stand up to her and tell her to back the F off.
What she said! I am so sorry for your loss. Many prayers to you and your hubby. |
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 Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | LAC - 2014-09-17 12:43 PM I am so sorry for your loss. The pain you and your family are feeling is unimaginable. My heart breaks for you just reading what you have been through. The only suggestion that I can make is if your MIL offered to write and send the thank you notes, then go ahead and allow her to do so. I'm sure that people do understand and do not expect a thank you however it will relieve the pressure off of you to write them, plus give your MIL something to do instead of pester you. Many prayers for you and your family.
^^^ THIS........I am SO sorry for your loss! Having never lost a child, I can not imagine the pain and agony that you have been through in the past few weeks. Prayers for you and your family. Please, don't let your MIL take away your right to grieve in your own personal way! |
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 Buttered Noodles Snacker
Posts: 4377
Location: NC | mruggles - 2014-09-17 12:35 PM id tell her to take a flying leap........actually your husband should be telling her to back off........
sorry for your loss...:(
m
What mruggles said!!!! I am so extremely sorry for your loss I can not imagine going through what you are right now. I feel double sorry that your MIL is adding to your grief with this! Have you talked to your husband? I feel like he should tell her to back off. I really don't understand the big whoop about thank you cards anyways. its not like you didn't thank the people in person when you had the showers.... If your friends and family don't understand what a horrible thing you are going through and have even noticed to care that they havn't gotten a thank you card they aren't real friends anyways!!!! prayers for you and your husband. |
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 Ones with the Hotties
Posts: 1451
Location: Centerburg, OH | So sorry. Praying for YOU and your family. Im afraid you are not alone most everyone I know had a nutty MIL esp me. Main reason we don't have children(I can right books but life is to short.) HANG IN THERE YOU NEED TIME!
Hugs |
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 Own It and Move On
Location: The edge of no where | Tell her to take flying leap off the nearest cliff and leave you the hell alone!!
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
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 Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| I'm so sorry.
Let your MIL write them since she's the one worried about it. Trust me...the older generation is gonzo for thank you notes!!!
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 Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | Bless your heart, 429, my heart aches for you and your husband. I can't imagine the pain of what you two have experienced. I will definitely keep you two in my thoughts.
As for the MIL, I would politely tell her that you will get to the thank you notes for the shower in time when you are able to and that you would appreciate a little patience and space right now. If that doesn't work, then take lindseylou's advice above.
Big hugs to you!!!! |
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Ones with the Hotties
Posts: 1451
Location: Centerburg, OH | Aso the thank you cards are her problem no one expects you to do that now. I think I read in an ediqute thing some where that you have a year to write them. People gave you those gifts out of love and don't expect anything from you. Maybe by focusing on the notes and harassing you is your MIL way of coping. Don't let her bully you but you cant let it ruin your delicate relationship.
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 Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | I'm sure she doesn't mean anything by it. I'm guessing maybe that's how she is coping for the loss... the need to "do" something. I would take her up on her offer to write the notes. That way you have more time to worry about you and your husband. |
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 Go Your Own Way
Posts: 4947
Location: SE KS | Hugs and prayers for you and your husband. So sorry..... |
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Sideways Riding Expert
Posts: 11371
Location: ND--it snows, it floods, it snows, it floods | Ok, I'm the odd man out and do think that Thank yous should be written for both shower gifts and memorials/flowers BUT in your own time. I guess I've never been to a funeral where a memorial or flowers has been given and a thank you note wasn't recieved. However as someone else said, if you MIL offered to write the Thank You's then let her take that burden from you during this most difficult time. |
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 Hugs to You
Posts: 7551
Location: In The Land of Cotton | I cannot imagine what you and your husband are going through. I am so very sorry.
If the MIL brings it up again and suggests that she writes the notes - let her do so. Maybe it is her way of trying to help you.
Prayers and hugs for you and your husband. |
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