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 I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
   
Location: MD | My SO's 8 yr old boy, in 3rd grade. He's very smart and athletic but has a lot of fears. Their mother just moved and put them in a new school that is a much better group of kids. Obviously, this happens, but the way his mom is handling it.... imho it's going to make it worse. having him talk to the counselor every day during class time, and going in and sitting in with him at school all day....... i feel like that gives the mean kids more ammo to pick on him?
what would you tell your kids in this situation?
I know my mom told me, "I'm not going to tell you how I think you should handle it, but I think you know how I think you should handle it, and I won't be mad." Obviously I don't think he should handle it this way, but I also want him to be able to handle it without adult interference because I don't think it will stop.
Any advice is appreciated, as the "step mom" figure I don't want to get super involved unless it's 100% meaningful and helpful. |
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 Expert
Posts: 4121
Location: SE Louisiana | I was always told as long as they kept their hands to themselves, ignore them.... I got my butt beat more than once but they all knew if they laid hands on me it was a fight and I didn't start off with bluster. I stepped in swinging. |
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 Worst.Housekeeper.EVER.
 
Location: Missouri | Crowned Image - 2014-09-30 9:14 AM My SO's 8 yr old boy, in 3rd grade. He's very smart and athletic but has a lot of fears. Their mother just moved and put them in a new school that is a much better group of kids. Obviously, this happens, but the way his mom is handling it.... imho it's going to make it worse. having him talk to the counselor every day during class time, and going in and sitting in with him at school all day....... i feel like that gives the mean kids more ammo to pick on him? what would you tell your kids in this situation? I know my mom told me, "I'm not going to tell you how I think you should handle it, but I think you know how I think you should handle it, and I won't be mad." Obviously I don't think he should handle it this way, but I also want him to be able to handle it without adult interference because I don't think it will stop. Any advice is appreciated, as the "step mom" figure I don't want to get super involved unless it's 100% meaningful and helpful. You don't say specifically what is happening, but no eight year old should be expected to handle any bully (especially group of bullies) without adult interference!
PS My boys are in 4th and 5th grade and I just have not experienced the group of bullies...maybe it's coming??? IDK, but so far, the meanness is no more than what they would do to each other at home. Most recently, a "mean" kid kicked my 9 y/o son's basketball into the creek and laughed when my son waded chest-deep to go get it. Made me SUPER mad, first b/c someone would do that?!? Second, b/c it was super dangerous for him to go into the water, and lastly (the only part I feel like I can control!) my son should have walked away from the situation and come to ME. Funny thing, those two were friends again the next day. We talk through everything, and there have been times when I've asked their teacher to be aware of a situation when I can tell it's affecting their behavior, school work, etc.
Maybe your step-son will make fast friends and not worry so much about fitting in or what others might think or say. So sorry he is experiencing this.
Edited by just4fun 2014-09-30 9:37 AM
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 Works Hard For The Money
Posts: 4469
Location: Memphis, TN | I'm a firm believer in making my face known in the school not only for the kids but for the teachers too. I go eat lunch every Friday with my son. I started in Kindergarten and he is in 2nd grade now. I have been going so long that almost every child in his grade knows me. The teachers also are familiar with me. I don't believe in sitting guard all day though. I go interact and form relationships during a "down time". The kids talk to me about not only about my son but themselves. I also go on field trips and fun days they have at schools. I try to form an open EASY line of communication with his teacher. I want her to feel comfortable enough to tell me if she is noticing something even if it may seem small. When it comes to my son we talk about different ways situations can be handled and let him decide which is best given the situation. Even if he is telling me about something that happened between other kids we can turn that into what he could do if he was put in that same situation. I don't ever try and expand his fears but I give him options ahead of time so that he feels he can control them when he is confronted with them. I will say anxiety is real even at this age. My son has experienced it when dealing with being sick (he hates to vomit and will hyperventilate when he gets nauseous) and also while learning to read. Talking to the counselor may actually help him if it gives him confidence in handling things. At this age they are going through a big transition of no longer being coddled and having to do things on their own. It is hard and scary for MOST of them at this age. Let him know he isn't alone in feeling the way he does. If you can, invite some of the kids over for a few hours. You will be amazed at how different they treat each other outside of school. Forming relationships out of school creates bonds that transfer to in school. From what I've seen even ONE child standing up for another stops the process. Let him play with different kids so that he can get to know them personally. They are still so impressionable at this age. A lot can be done right now to help. |
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 A very grounded girl
Posts: 5052
Location: Moving soon..... | My daughter was bullied and even told that she was going to die. She was in 10th grade. We talked to her once she let us know what was going on and she just didn't like confrontation. The school was no help and said that that was not happening to her. She was on the Dr. Phil Show and talked about what had happened to her. I truly think that was what helped her to realize that they bullies were not going to take over her life and she was in control. She was only 14 when this all happened. I was very proud of her and she has become a very strong and ambitious young lady. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 448
Location: lone star state | Google love and logic parenting. They have great tips on positive parenting and dealing with bullies. Good luck this is a tough part of parenting. |
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Fire Ant Peddler
Posts: 2881
| A child should not have to handle bullies. I have taught school for 38 years. I have never let students bully others. I took care of this long before the bullying issue came to light. I live in the deep south and if you are not in athletics you "ain't nothin" I have always had support from my administration on this which has made the process easier. As a teacher you have to stay on top of all your students all of the time so you know what is going on in class. My students come into my room to learn and they know that.
I will add that a student told me that I was the only teacher that ever stood up for him and that he had thought about suicide because the bullying was so bad. He was the brainy dork that even got on my last nerve sometimes, BUT that does not give others the right to pick on him or anyone else.
So what I have to say in a nutshell is that the school is responsible for bullying problems---talk to them and make them aware of what is going on. If they can't seem to handle it get a lawyer to contact the principal. If that does not work have the lawyer contact the superintendent. This information is confidential and if leaked by administration there are legal ramifications |
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Worst.Housekeeper.EVER.
Location: Missouri | barrelracin85 - 2014-09-30 9:58 AM I'm a firm believer in making my face known in the school not only for the kids but for the teachers too. I go eat lunch every Friday with my son. I started in Kindergarten and he is in 2nd grade now. I have been going so long that almost every child in his grade knows me. The teachers also are familiar with me. I don't believe in sitting guard all day though. I go interact and form relationships during a "down time". The kids talk to me about not only about my son but themselves. I also go on field trips and fun days they have at schools. I try to form an open EASY line of communication with his teacher. I want her to feel comfortable enough to tell me if she is noticing something even if it may seem small. When it comes to my son we talk about different ways situations can be handled and let him decide which is best given the situation. Even if he is telling me about something that happened between other kids we can turn that into what he could do if he was put in that same situation. I don't ever try and expand his fears but I give him options ahead of time so that he feels he can control them when he is confronted with them. I will say anxiety is real even at this age. My son has experienced it when dealing with being sick (he hates to vomit and will hyperventilate when he gets nauseous) and also while learning to read. Talking to the counselor may actually help him if it gives him confidence in handling things. At this age they are going through a big transition of no longer being coddled and having to do things on their own. It is hard and scary for MOST of them at this age. Let him know he isn't alone in feeling the way he does. If you can, invite some of the kids over for a few hours. You will be amazed at how different they treat each other outside of school. Forming relationships out of school creates bonds that transfer to in school. From what I've seen even ONE child standing up for another stops the process. Let him play with different kids so that he can get to know them personally. They are still so impressionable at this age. A lot can be done right now to help.
Great advice! 
I have eaten lunch regularly with my boys and volunteered at the school weekly since they started. It's different now that they are in intermediate, but I still make it a point to show up. I never thought of it as bullying-prevention, just that I want to stay involved in their lives. Well said! |
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I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
Location: MD | thank you for the great advice. It's tough to kind of be on the outside in the situation. |
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 Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| I just went thru this with my son who just started kindergarten. He was telling me about a girl in his class that "picked" on him. He was extremely uncomfortable. I was in theat classroom the next day and pulled the teacher aside. Told her what was going on. The girl was moved to another class and is receiving counseling... was told a few days later when I called his teacher to follow up the girls parents were involved and the principal. No way do these kids need to figure that stuff out alone. They need a voice for them. Im lucky his teacher didn't drag her feet and just keep a better watch. She took action right away. If the teacher doesn't take it seriously, go above.. if principal doesn't listen .. go above .. superintendent etc etc... I would have had no issue going above if I needed to. Bullying is taken very seriously in my kids schools. They have alot of "talks" with all the kids about it. I was bullyed in school too but back then it was looked at as seriously as it is now. Ignoring the bullies doesn't always make it go away.
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 Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| You teach your child from day one that no one else's opinion matters but their own. What they say doesn't matter.
I was picked on and made fun of from about 3rd grade through high school. Did I get depressed and down on myself?? NO. Did I tell my parents? NO. Did I really honestly care about what they were saying?? NO. I knew who I was and what I could accomplish from a young age.
I was in a couple of shoving matches but for the most part, I wasn't in any fights. I was told let them swing first and you won't get in trouble. Physical bullying is a whole different ball game.
Maybe that was my benefit to being an only child. Maybe it was a benefit of the horses. I don't really know. I didn't need to compete for attention, but I could handle it if I didn't get any either. Kids have got to be taught to be more independent. I don't know how to accomplish that with the way all the crazies are making the world. |
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 Expert
Posts: 2457
| Nateracer - 2014-09-30 3:28 PM
You teach your child from day one that no one else's opinion matters but their own. What they say doesn't matter.Â
I was picked on and made fun of from about 3rd grade through high school. Did I get depressed and down on myself?? NO. Did I tell my parents? NO. Did I really honestly care about what they were saying?? NO.    I knew who I was and what I could accomplish from a young age. Â
I was in a couple of shoving matches but for the most part, I wasn't in any fights. I was told let them swing first and you won't get in trouble. Physical bullying is a whole different ball game.
Maybe that was my benefit to being an only child. Maybe it was a benefit of the horses. I don't really know.  I didn't need to compete for attention, but I could handle it if I didn't get any either. Kids have got to be taught to be more independent. I don't know how to accomplish that with the way all the crazies are making the world.  Â
Interesting points Nate and I have to agree ... I was bullied like crazy at a private school from 2nd grade until I was a jr in high school and finally convinced my parents to let me switch to a HUGE public school. The sad part was that the teachers turned a blind eye.
My parents did help me with personal skills - like ignoring the comments made, keeping me involved in activities that encouraged self esteem (showing livestock, YMCA and NIKE team basketball, jr rodeo, etc) and listened when I did have a crummy day. Thankfully it never escalated above words, but it still hurt.
I am incredibly thankful for the coping skills that I developed. I think teaching your kids that there is an appropriate time and place to react and HOW to react is very important - I happened to develop a pretty dry sense of humor that diffused many of the situations then. My mom also would help me practice what to say when someone would start picking on me. It really did help.
I also had a great support group that was outside of school - I had friends outside of school, activities outside of school, church things, etc. that made it much easier to focus on learning when I got older and realized that those kids who made fun of me were incredibly petty. I also had my eye at the end of the tunnel where I could see a future NOT around them - like college and beyond.
Also, I am the youngest of 4 - the closest sibling being 4 years older than myself ... I learned to grow a tough skin with siblings too ... |
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Duct Tape Bikini Girl
Posts: 2554
| I didn't read all of the posts, so this is just an answer to the title question. Aim for the nose and give it all you've got! |
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | Honestly back when I was that age, I got made fun of because of my braids... My daddy would braid them like a horses tail and they would always come loose and I'd have fly aways.
I gave them one deck in the nose one time and it stopped, just like my daddy told me.
But honestly, It's not that simple anymore... The only advice I can give you is: Build him up when he's with you, get his mind off of it. Every one needs a "Safe Haven"....
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 Peecans
| Nateracer - 2014-09-30 2:28 PM
You teach your child from day one that no one else's opinion matters but their own. What they say doesn't matter.Â
I was picked on and made fun of from about 3rd grade through high school. Did I get depressed and down on myself?? NO. Did I tell my parents? NO. Did I really honestly care about what they were saying?? NO.    I knew who I was and what I could accomplish from a young age. Â
I was in a couple of shoving matches but for the most part, I wasn't in any fights. I was told let them swing first and you won't get in trouble. Physical bullying is a whole different ball game.
Maybe that was my benefit to being an only child. Maybe it was a benefit of the horses. I don't really know.  I didn't need to compete for attention, but I could handle it if I didn't get any either. Kids have got to be taught to be more independent. I don't know how to accomplish that with the way all the crazies are making the world.  Â
Though I agree with you, it can be so hard.
when the other children tease my daughter about medical issues she has no control obIT it not only turns into her self confidince being shattred every day, but "why me god" questions.
I dont know how to answer thoes questions, I try but gosh being a parent is really hard some days.
I hold close a quote, nit sure who its from but I love it so much
OUR JOB AS PARENTS IS TO FILL OUR CHILDREN's BUCKET OF SELF WORTH SO FULL OF LOVE THAT NO MATTER HOW MANY HOLES GET POKED INTO IT THEY NEVER RUN EMPTY.
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Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| della - 2014-09-30 6:39 PM Nateracer - 2014-09-30 2:28 PM You teach your child from day one that no one else's opinion matters but their own. What they say doesn't matter.
I was picked on and made fun of from about 3rd grade through high school. Did I get depressed and down on myself?? NO. Did I tell my parents? NO. Did I really honestly care about what they were saying?? NO. I knew who I was and what I could accomplish from a young age.
I was in a couple of shoving matches but for the most part, I wasn't in any fights. I was told let them swing first and you won't get in trouble. Physical bullying is a whole different ball game.
Maybe that was my benefit to being an only child. Maybe it was a benefit of the horses. I don't really know. I didn't need to compete for attention, but I could handle it if I didn't get any either. Kids have got to be taught to be more independent. I don't know how to accomplish that with the way all the crazies are making the world. Though I agree with you, it can be so hard. when the other children tease my daughter about medical issues she has no control obIT it not only turns into her self confidince being shattred every day, but "why me god" questions. I dont know how to answer thoes questions, I try but gosh being a parent is really hard some days. I hold close a quote, nit sure who its from but I love it so much OUR JOB AS PARENTS IS TO FILL OUR CHILDREN's BUCKET OF SELF WORTH SO FULL OF LOVE THAT NO MATTER HOW MANY HOLES GET POKED INTO IT THEY NEVER RUN EMPTY.
I would have her ask them point blank if they've ever had to deal with a medical issue. Lots of times being made fun of is not understanding. Then have her tell them what she goes through just to live her life. I remember a very heavy child in school who was made fun of due to his weight. When everyone found out it was a medical issue they left him alone. |
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10D Crack Champion
| Â Who is going in and sitting in class with him everyday and why? I am confused. I know the counselor can't sit with one student all day. I would assume his mom is sitting with him..?? Kids unfortunately will pick on others who have their mom or dad hovering over them too......even the ones who just come to school regularly to eat lunch with them. Around 2nd and 3rd grade it isn't considered cool to have your mom or dad with you all the time at school unless the parent is a classroom volunteer helping the teacher and all students. Otherwise the bully type kids just think the kid is a big baby who can't be at school without his mom. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 602
| luckyjo - 2014-09-30 2:33 PM
I didn't read all of the posts, so this is just an answer to the title question. Aim for the nose and give it all you've got!
^^^^This!!! I had 6 girls constantly bully me in school, one day I dropped the main girl. I thought my parents would be upset, Nope! They took me out to lunch after getting suspended. They knew I stood up for myself and that I made a strong statement to other kids. After that, no one picked on me. That one fight carried me through middle and highschool without any issues. If kids know you wont take crap then they will stop picking on you. |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | My first grade daughter was being physically bullied by a second grade boy at the beginning of school. My immediate response was to tell her to kick him in the nuts, then I got her daddy in on it and we gave her lessons. No daughter of mine will be a victim if I can help it. I was the runt in my class and had to learn to be a scrapper. I never had to fight the same kid twice and some of them were boys. lol |
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 Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | I was bullied also because I was always the tallest in the class.
My parents always told me never to start a fight, but if someone picks one with me, I better finish it. They told me they would never get mad at me for defending myself, and they held true to that.
You only stop a bully by putting them in their place. Even as an adult, we had some "friends" that tried to bully me and my husband. It took some choice words and walking away for them to finally back off. Bullies are relentless. |
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