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Member
Posts: 23
| I'm struggling and don't know where to turn, so I thought here would be good start!! I'm a regular, however, to remain unknown, I created a new account.
I've been with the same man for nearly 8 years now. From the day I met him, all talk was on horses. My family warned him, my friends, everyone.. For first couple years it was good. He'd come ride, feed, etc with me. Until I met him I barrel raced every weekend. When I met him, I cut back considerably since I was all distracted and in love. Fast forward through the first years, it's now turned hateful. Every time we get in a fight over something, the horses are always thrown up. I repeatedly get comments on " if horses are all you care about.. It won't work "
Horses aren't all I care about but they are dam sure near top of list. I finally have the house, horses at home, everything is set to where I should be happy and be able to really ride every day. But I feel like I can't enjoy near as often as if like because I'm trying to compromise all the time. I feel like no matter how little I ride or how little I go racing, it's still too much. Sometimes I think he'd be happier if I didn't have them.. But what I'm not sure he gets is that is my soul, my purpose. I'm just born with it. Been horse crazy from time I could talk.
So.. Any suggestions from those who been there and dun it? I want to get back to it a lot more. I have a few nice colts and a nice open horse to haul but I know the more I devote to my passion, the worse my marriage will be.
What do I do? How do I get through this and still be happy and not divorced. Or am I wishful thinking on having both? |
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 Expert
Posts: 4121
 
Location: SE Louisiana | Drop him.There are plenty of good men out there that will share your passion unequivocally.
Edited by komet. 2014-12-08 6:55 PM
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| That is a tough spot to be in. I have horses, my husband shoots sporting clays, an expensive hobby too. We both love what we do and support each other. I would never ask my husband to quit doing what he loves and vice versa- we want each other to be happy and are glad for each other to have a passion. Is it a financial strain?? What does he want you doing in the evenings and weekends?? How does you having horses make him unhappy?? I would have a real lay all out there conversation and see if you both can't come to an understanding.
Edited by rodeomom3 2014-12-08 6:44 PM
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Member
Posts: 23
| Money is not the issue, not even a little.
I really don't know what the issue is other then we aren't the perfect little family doing everything together all the time every day. Sometimes I think that is what he wants but he was well warned that wasn't me |
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Red Bull Agressive
Posts: 5981
Location: North Dakota | I'm not married, but when I do get married some day, I'm going to make absolutely sure my future husband knows I will NOT give up horses for him or anyone else. I won't marry anyone that doesn't respect me enough to accept that (if he rides that would be extra awesome). For your hubby, I'd lay down the law, remind him that the horses were around long before he was. He KNEW horses were your life and your passion and if he can't accept that then he can suck it. You didn't change, you didn't hide anything, so he has only himself to blame if he doesn't like your horse involvement. |
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Expert
Posts: 1543
Location: MI | It definitely takes give and take, and I don't know your situation, so take this with a grain of salt. But, you have a right to be happy too. If horses is what it is, and he knew about it, start getting back into it. Sometimes the anticipation (of being with the horses more) is the worst part because you both have ideas about what may happen. Be fair and communication openly. Sometimes I assume that my husband will be upset also, when in reality either he isn't upset, or he uses the horses as an excuse when he's really upset about something else.
I've decided that I'm worth it...I think I'm worth being able to do what I want now and then, and the horse time makes me a more enjoyable person to be around. :) It's taken me a long time and I'm not out there as much as I wish I were, but it's progressing. Give and take...  |
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  JMHO
Posts: 1869
Location: Oklahoma | I'm sorry you are going through this. I had the same problems. Was one person dating and then I got to see his true colors. Compromise meant to do what he wanted and I could only do so much. He would not go to counseling and had a drinking problem as well. I was married for 15 years before enough was enough. I haven't looked back and couldn't be happier. I've been single for 7 years and didn't get divorced to find a new man, I got divorced for my sanity. Good luck with what you decide! |
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 Lived to tell about it and will never do it again
Posts: 5409
| Maybe the horses aren't the problem at all, maybe he is just using them as an excuss to complain. You cann't make him happy no matter what you give up or do if he isn't happy with himself. You won't be happy unless you are being "yourself" which is a horse person. |
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Regular
Posts: 99
| Been there done that. My ex told me I should have married a horse. Glad I took his advice and got another 2 horses. LOL
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| euchee - 2014-12-08 7:31 PM
Maybe the horses aren't the problem at all, maybe he is just using them as an excuss to complain. You cann't make him happy no matter what you give up or do if he isn't happy with himself. You won't be happy unless you are being "yourself" which is a horse person.
In my experience, and from what I've gathered with other people, this could very well be the issue--the unhappiness with the horses is not the real issue. Probably if you did give them up, it would be something else that he finds wrong with you. Instead of dealing with the root cause of their unhappiness, some (only some) men start picking at their wifes.
Good luck to you. |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| We have been married 27 years and are in a place where we support each other but I remember a conversation I had with my husband we had after being married a few years. I was the one acting like your husband, complaining about him playing golf on the weekends. I was a SAHM and had no hobbies, did not have horses yet. When I started up, he looked at me and said if I wanted to go do something he would stay home with the kids, or I could get a sitter and go with him but it was not his job to entertain me. Just because I didn't have anything to go do didn't mean he had to give up what he liked to do. It changed my perspective. |
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Tried and True
Posts: 21185
Location: Where I am happiest | MO gal - 2014-12-08 7:59 PM euchee - 2014-12-08 7:31 PM Maybe the horses aren't the problem at all, maybe he is just using them as an excuss to complain. You cann't make him happy no matter what you give up or do if he isn't happy with himself. You won't be happy unless you are being "yourself" which is a horse person. In my experience, and from what I've gathered with other people, this could very well be the issue--the unhappiness with the horses is not the real issue. Probably if you did give them up, it would be something else that he finds wrong with you. Instead of dealing with the root cause of their unhappiness, some (only some ) men start picking at their wifes. Good luck to you.
Yeeeppppppp. After 14 years of marriage, after giving up my horses and only keeping the kids 2 horses, and after moving to a different state. It was all for nothing. He blamed the horses, the money spent on the horses, the time spent on the horses, and in the end it didnt matter. The horses were not the problem at all. Dont give yourself up to try to make another happy. It wont make him happy. Ride your horses when he's gone at work. Give him 2 weekends a month, and you take 2 weekends a month to barrel race. That is a half way meeting in the middle and if thats not good enough for him, then it will never work no matter what. Never EVER lose yourself to try to appease another. He should not be trying to change you now. He should love you for who you are. |
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Duct Tape Bikini Girl
Posts: 2554
| Don't waste your life. Dump him, and have peace with yourself. |
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 Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | MO gal - 2014-12-08 7:59 PM euchee - 2014-12-08 7:31 PM Maybe the horses aren't the problem at all, maybe he is just using them as an excuss to complain. You cann't make him happy no matter what you give up or do if he isn't happy with himself. You won't be happy unless you are being "yourself" which is a horse person. In my experience, and from what I've gathered with other people, this could very well be the issue--the unhappiness with the horses is not the real issue. Probably if you did give them up, it would be something else that he finds wrong with you. Instead of dealing with the root cause of their unhappiness, some (only some ) men start picking at their wifes. Good luck to you.
^^^^ THIS........since you were involved with horses when you met him......bitchin' about the horses is, more than likely, NOT the problem.....you need to have a real LONG talk with him! |
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 Expert
Posts: 1440
Location: Texas | My husband for the most part is supportive BUT when he is upset about other things the horses then become a problem. I have trimmed down the herd and it didn't stop his griping and that then I realized they became a problem when he didn't get something he wanted. He does work out of town and I only see him every other weekend so the weekends he is home i try to do things he wants to do unless is is a special barrel race I want to go to. That has helped us quite a bit. My good horse was out of commission for almost a year and that's when he realized I am NO fun to be around without my horse time. I think that's when his attitude really changed. I would try to talk to him and get to the root of the problem. Good luck. It is a hard situation to be in for sure. |
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 Money Eating Baggage Owner
Posts: 9586
Location: Phoenix | My boyfriend of 4 years is well aware that horses come first. He's known from the beginning. My board for my horse is a good chunk of my paycheck and he doesn't complain about how much we're spending. It sounds like your hubby needs a hobby. Something he can do while you ride. I mean I quit rodeoing a couple summer ago because I was wasting money and not roping well and it was putting a strain on us financially. I recognized where it was going, and held off. But you warned him, he needs to realize that you aren't going to change and he can leave, or he deal. |
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 Veteran
Posts: 246
Location: Idaho | This is such a tough issue. When I got married, i took my moms advice.... to marry someone who does what you do. As horses were my moms thing and not my dads and I saw first hand all of the issues that can arrise. However, that doesnt always work either. Judy Myllymaki said one time that in these kind of relationships, you have a flower and a gardener. Someone who shines and someone who wants to see them shine and helps them do so. Two flowers often dont work because there is no gardener to help them grow.... now that aside. I married my cowboy. He rides and ropes, trains colts, can watch me and tell me what Im doing wrong. Nothing but respect for him. We got along amazingly. However at year 7, we will be 9 years in the spring, have been the hardest and most challenging of our marriage. I have never considered divorce more than I have in those years. Nothing but fighting and nit picking on both sides....what happened? And so quickly?? We both want to make it work so that is issue number one. I agree with the above comments about the issue not being the horses. I had the same thing happened to me and i married a cowboy! How can he guilt me about my horses? He of all people knows how important they are to me.... to us. But after much talking/fighting i figured out it is him evaluating where he is in his life and he isnt where he wants to be. Im happy trucking along doing things on Gods time. But he wasnt happy with the time it was taking. Not that he isnt happy in general but frustrated he isnt where he had planned on being at this point in his life. I am happy that we have given it time instead of going off half cocked and calling it quits. As long as both people want to make it work, it isnt easy, but it is worth it :) |
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 BHW's Lance Armstrong 
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | You are way smarter than me and did your problem anonymously! |
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 Veteran
Posts: 288
| euchee - 2014-12-08 5:31 PM
Maybe the horses aren't the problem at all, maybe he is just using them as an excuss to complain. You cann't make him happy no matter what you give up or do if he isn't happy with himself. You won't be happy unless you are being "yourself" which is a horse person.
This is exactly what is going on. I've been in the same exact shoes for 11 years. It is a control issue and it would not matter if you got rid of every horse you had and took up knitting, he would hate that too. Don't buy into it and let him get glad in the same pants he got mad in! |
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 Expert
Posts: 1718
Location: Southeast Louisiana | Whether it's basket weaving or barrel racing, if it makes you happy, he needs to support you in your efforts. And if he wants to have the perfect family image, he needs to be at the barrel race in a lawn chair (at least) to cheer you on. I think the same as others have said, horses probably aren't the problem. If talking to him doesn't get something to change, I'd say to try counseling. Even if you have to go by yourself. |
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