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Expert
Posts: 2685
   
| Holy crap, this has been the worst winter I have ever had and its not even half way over.
One of the mares I raised passed away 12/18. Then we found out my gpa, the ROCK of my moms side of the family has colon cancer. Today he went in for a colonoscopy to remove 2 of the worst pollups. When they got in they saw that his colon was almost completely eaten up with it. They gave him the option to leave it be and he might last 3 months or have his colon removed tomorrow and risk surgery. He is 83 years old with less than 30% of his kidneys functioning. Anesthesia could kill him. He is type 2 diabetic. He just has a lot of health complications on a good day. Not to mention he has been fighting a cold for a month now. This man is the strongest, best man I have ever met. He has been a preacher most of his life, then music director at the church. He has supported his wife and kids- and grandkids through very thick and very thin without waiver. I know he is tired, and I know he deserves to go home to the good Lord above, but not this way. He is so weak and so tired. He has decided he wants the surgery. He says he does NOT want cancer and if that's what it takes to get it out- so be it.
I bought a filly the Friday after Christmas that I have been looking at for months. I got her for very cheap and she is bred better than any other prospect I have ever been able to afford. What's the catch? She looked like a rescue.... but I got along with her so well and she has so much potential- so I bought her. She will and has required some TLC but I don't think anything is permanent (or I wouldn't have bought her). She hadn't had any human contact accept for being run in a shoot and wormed when I got her and by day 2 I had her feet (calmly) trimmed. She leads like a dream, easy to catch, ties, picks all 4 feet up like a pro, I can rub and pat all over her. She is better now than most babies that have human contact from day 1. She has been a blessing. I swear my mare that passed away is helping her along. I know that sound ridiculous but that mare was so stoic and calm about everything.
My broodmares, which I have decided I am utterly dumb for even trying to have a foal... are doing amazing. They look great, they are behaving like domestic animals (lol) after coming from homes where they didn't even wear a halter for 5+ years. I have put 1 on the internet and will probably be putting the rest up soon.
My father, a very good father, has absolutely no faith in me at all. He tells me that every time he sees me. He reiterates how I am not going anywhere in life basically. I could sit here and tell you how much I have busted my butt and how far I have gotten being the age I am having the things I have, paying for it all myself but who cares when your daddy doesn't? I have tried and tried to tell him how I feel and I have come to the realization that it doesn't matter because its not how he feels.
My mother has been my rock, and now her rock is crumbling and I don't know what to do. I feel like this is all my fault. The mare, the loneliness, the disappointment. I know, wah, welcome to life- ect. I just needed to vent.
Please don't comment negatively....
Update on my gpa 9pm 1/6
He is out of surgery. He is not strong enough to breath on his own so he is staying intubated on a breathing machine. He is miserable but he is alive. They keep him as doped up as they can given his medical issues.
Thank you to everyone for the prayers, best wishes and advice. I'm putting on my big girl panties. Work is being very understanding which is a plus. My mom seems to be handling it ok. My gma, not so much but she has every right to not be. Mom and gma are staying there tonight. I'll be there all day tomorrow so they can sleep. Prayers for my gap are much appreciated. Thank you guys so much for your kind words.
Edited by RoaniePonie11 2015-01-06 9:45 PM
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 428
Location: God's country | I'm sorry you are going through all this. Im sorry to hear about your grandfather, cancer sucks SOO bad. I never knew my father but had the best mom in the world. Maybe you need a little space from your dad, just a thought. I'll be praying for your grandfather and the rest of the family. Just try to take pleasure in the things that are going right. |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| Bless your heart, prayers for you and your family. I am so sorry you are going through all this.  |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1119
| I am so sorry for all that you are going through. Yes, life can be hard, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. I pray that your grandpa will get through the surgery and all will be ok.
As for everything else, follow your own dreams. I am sure it is difficult knowing that your father doesn't support what you're doing, but often the people closest to us can be the ones who want to keep us down. If you are doing what makes you happy and have goals you want to reach, then keep working on them. Will changing your life really make your dad happy? Or will it just make you more miserable?
Again, prayers for your your grandpa, you and your family. |
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Expert
Posts: 2685
| thank you guys, I feel like a big ole baby.
MissouriJen, I never really thought about that with dad but you are correct, I don't think changing my life would do anything but make me miserable. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 600
Location: Oklahoma & Texas | About 10 years ago I was at such a bad pt in my life I literally had to pull my truck over to the side of the road and have a good cry.... my mom and brother told me everything would be alright and things would get better..at the time I did notbbelieve it but I went with it...they were right of course. ..couldn'tbe happier now...no it didn't take 10 years just a little bit and by trusting God and having some faith and a lot of hard work things ddefinitely turned around.....keep your chin up and trust in yourself...you can do anything you put your mind to...Anything. Your Grandpa sounds like a fighter...and I'm sure you didn't fall far from that tree..hugs dear. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1062
Location: Probably On the Road to the Next Barrel Race! | You're a good person weathering difficult circumstances...believe in yourself, pray for your grandpa, love your dad unconditionally...things always change for the better, give God some time and faith :) |
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 pressure dripper
Posts: 8696
Location: the end of the rainbow | I'm very sorry about your mare and your Grampa. As for your dad, I would suggest that you read Dr. Laura's book Bad Childhood Good Life. I'm not saying that you had a bad childhood or that he is a bad father, but we determine how we let people treat us. You have to determine how you let you dad's opinion effect your life and you are the one that that decides how you feel about the way your dad treats you. You cannot change his behavior but you can change how you feel about it.
Good luck and God bless. I will be praying for you and your family. |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Hugs, you are an incredibly strong young woman.
Edited by rodeomom3 2015-01-06 6:00 AM
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 Dog Resuce Agent
Posts: 3459
Location: southeast Texas | My dad used to pop off all the time about how I was a rotten kid and remind me of all the mistakes I made. One day , at a Denny's , we were waiting for our order, talking. He turns the subject on something I had done wrong, YEARS ago. I had had enough. I growled back at him, loud enough so he could hear, Have I ever done anything in my life that you were proud of? He shut up, and the rest of our trip was much better. |
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  Sock eating dog owner
Posts: 4553
Location: Where the pavement ends and the West begins Utah | Awe you need some of these    chin up life isn't that bad.There will be roller coaster days.Sorry GPA is having problems.
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | roxieannie - 2015-01-06 6:19 AM
My dad used to pop off all the time about how I was a rotten kid and remind me of all the mistakes I made. One day , at a Denny's , we were waiting for our order, talking. He turns the subject on something I had done wrong, YEARS ago. I had had enough. I growled back at him, loud enough so he could hear, Have I ever done anything in my life that you were proud of? He shut up, and the rest of our trip was much better.
I think it's horrible that parents can actually speak to their own children that way. OP, next time your dad pops off, come back with "Well YOU raised me, so what does that say about YOU??"
If he can't encourage you and be supportive, then you need to limit your contact with him and immediately remove yourself from the conversation when he starts with that crap.
Keep your chin up, it WILL get better! |
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 Serious Snap Trapper
Posts: 4275
Location: In The Snow, AZ | No negativity here. Sending prayers for you, for you grandpa, for your mom. God is good, ALL the time. Pray. Pray again. And when you're all done, pray some more. Keep faith even when He doesn't answer. YOU knnow you are doing this all yourself. Take pride in that. Maybe some day your dad will understand... Maybe not. But you keep plugging along. Hugs. |
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 Neat Freak
Posts: 11216
Location: Wonderful Wyoming | Gunner11 - 2015-01-06 8:45 AM roxieannie - 2015-01-06 6:19 AM My dad used to pop off all the time about how I was a rotten kid and remind me of all the mistakes I made. One day , at a Denny's , we were waiting for our order, talking. He turns the subject on something I had done wrong, YEARS ago. I had had enough. I growled back at him, loud enough so he could hear, Have I ever done anything in my life that you were proud of? He shut up, and the rest of our trip was much better. I think it's horrible that parents can actually speak to their own children that way. OP, next time your dad pops off, come back with "Well YOU raised me, so what does that say about YOU??" If he can't encourage you and be supportive, then you need to limit your contact with him and immediately remove yourself from the conversation when he starts with that crap. Keep your chin up, it WILL get better!
Oh I think so too :( My dad was hard on me, REALLY hard on me. I had very strict rules and it was because he himself was a wild kid growing up. His dad was off working away from home and his mom was a naive pushover. So he made sure I walked the line. I resented him for it up until I moved out at the age of 18. I grew to despise him and hated coming home from work as whatever I did or how hard I worked was never enough. I left on really bad terms and literally the next day he came begging me for forgiveness. It took a few months to get along and get over things. I look back and appreciate that he kept me in check, even if he over did it. He raised me to be responsible and be able to take care of myself no matter what. That hard work WILL pay off and anything is better than taking handouts. He was a single father and worked harder than anyone I have known to date except maybe my husband. We talk nearly daily and have a wonderful relationship.
I tell you this because without knowing your situation (you say he is a good father) he may just being pushing you to always better yourself, even when to you it seems you are doing all you possibly can. Obviously like mine, he doesn't know when to back the freak off, but I bet he loves you very much or he could care less. I have friends whose parents let them do whatever they wanted and it ruined their lives because of it. I hope he is doing it because he cares very much. If you were to move away like I did, I bet you and he would see a change. Prayers for your grandpa and horses are stressful to the max at the BEST of times. Chin up girl and keep on keepin on. |
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 I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
Location: MD | thinking of you
You need to live for you and not for you dad. Remember it is your life and not everyone else's. Unfortunately the people that are supposed to love you the most can inevitably be the most mean and most rapacious people on the planet in regards to your life and the way you live it. |
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 Balance Beam and more...
Posts: 11493
Location: 31 lengths farms | Your Dad's attitude is a reflection on him, not on you. Those are the types of people that you will never get the acknowledgement from that you are trying so hard to get from him. I know, I have the same type of father. I watched my brothers all but kill themselves in the military trying to live up to his standards, get some recognition from him. The Military rewarded them heavily, my father, nothing. Not one word while they were alive. NOw they are both gone and he brags on them like he should have when they could have heard his words. I know he loved them, he loves all of us, he just has no clue how to show it and probably never will. He is pretty darn good with the grandkids however And the good Lord made up for what my dad was lacking by giving us the mother he did...sounds like you are much the same in that category also.
Worry about those that you can make a difference to, and let the rest slide off the best you can. Your G-pa sounds like an incredible man, many many prayers sent for him and your entire family!!! |
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | My daddy used to treat me the same way. However, I stuck with what I was doing. Kept on keeping on. Kept my head down and busted my butt at work and with my horses. People would brag about me around him and he eventually realized that I was never going to be the College graduate/big time office ceo he had in mind for my future. My character spoke softly for me when my screaming at him didn't get heard. I distanced myself and eventually one day he called me for lunch. We cried together, both apologized for the past and he told me he accepted that I would not be attending college, ever. He told me I reminded him a lot of his own self and he knew how hard it was for him to make it through life without a degree and to start at the bottom and that was why he was so hard on me. Because he didn't want me to have to struggle. He and I are best friends and I actually take into consideration his advice.
My point: Continue doing what makes you happy, you only get one life and you may as well be happy. Your character is the loudest voice you have.
Prayers and hugs for you! Good Luck! Great job with your horse!!! |
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Expert
Posts: 1314
Location: North Central Iowa Land of white frozen grass | Your father is trying to help you in life but there is no training manual on how to do it. Some of us are just a little better at it than others. You will someday get your chance. Its your life and you only get one chance at it. Do what makes you happy and you will never regret it. If you live your life trying to make everyone else happy you will be the most miserable person. Look in the mirror its already showing. I had a wise older man tell me this. If somebody is going to be mad about a decision it sure isn't going to be me so get over it. |
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Expert
Posts: 2685
| Added gpa update to original post.
Thank you everyone. I have my big girl panties on today and I'm just chugging along. Choo choo lol |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 490
| For you and your family. I know the feeling with your dad. I deal with it with my mom. I made it my goal this year to not let her affect me. I know I am the biggest disappointment to her. Hell shes even blamed me for her unhappy marriage. I know the truth and my husband has to help encourage me constantly. But its hard when a parent doesn't believe in you. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))) PM me if you ever need a shoulder. |
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