troubledracer - 2015-01-17 10:54 AM I'm in a seemingly failing marriage. I think if if and if he could get some help for his issues first, it would help our marital issues which is basically no communication. I don't talk much because he's so negative. He has major anger issues and I live on eggshells most times. I just can't live like this. But I don't know if I should be googling marriage help or just time for divorce. I'm not sure we will ever be able to 100% fulfill each other. How do you know if it's time? I don't want this at all, but I don't want to live on eggshells either

firewaterfuelsme - 2015-01-18 9:27 AM This is normal for many marriages. Highs and lows. Unless there is physical abuse or emotional abuse or infidelity I say seek counseling with a very good friend who has a good marriage or a pastor. Especially if you have children together try to work things out. Sometimes if you change your perspective and work on being positive yourself it will rub off on those around you. Good luck and prayers to you.

Rockyroad - 2015-01-18 1:45 PM  His attitude & her having to "walk on eggshells" is a MAJOR  emotional abuse issue!   When I used to work as an advocate, that is a HUGE red flag.  If he is acting like this now, it will only escalate .... be careful since he sounds as if he could be dangerous.   Get counseling for yourself .. and make your decision, but NO ONE should live on eggshells.

Bug Is Alive - 2015-01-18 2:27 PM

I think it's emotional abuse too.  I also wasted many of my best years walking on eggshells to not add fuel to the flames.  It doesn't matter if you are "good", he will still unleash his anger on you because there is something else going on and he's releasing the tension of whatever else makes him feel powerless.  He is filled with inner tension, but if he were to admit it, he would have to face whatever is bothering him.  It's a vicious cycle of him building tension up and then getting angry at you to release the tension.  He gets rewards from unleashing on you, the release of tension and the feeling of power and dominance, which he knows you can do nothing about.  Have you noticed that the quieter you are during an outburst, the angier he gets?  That's because he needs the feeling of power and release and only gets that if he gets a reaction out of you, so he'll escalate until he gets what he wants.  He's an anger addict, and the outbursts are his fix.  You both share a different reality because he feels GOOD after he unleashes his anger (the fix) on you and you probably think otherwise. 

The only way to stop it is to get professional help or leave, but if he won't get help, you must call him out and set limits EVERY SINGLE time he is emotionally abusive to you, weather it's an angry outburst, disguised as a joke, no matter what he says, or even if you made a mistake, he's out of line verbally abusing you EVER, IN ANY WAY!  You can't listen to the words because he's being irrational.  To try to change the situation, you have to be ready for him and immediately tell him to STOP IT, and if he doesn't, leave or hang up, or whatever, but disengage yourself from him.  DO NOT try to rationalize with him no matter what he says (you will lose).  The hope is that he realizes what he's doing, and sees you are a strong enough person to not take it anymore.  If he doesn't care, then you have your answer.  Don't play his game, disengage immediately.

Something else to consider.  Does he unleash his anger on anyone else or in front of anyone else?  If he only does it to you behind closed doors, bad news because that means he knows the difference and he CHOOSES to pick on you and no one else.  He knows anyone else would walk away or avoid him or leave, but he thinks he has you right where he can abuse you and you will take it, so show him different.  Isn't it horrible to know that the person you love is choosing to verbally abuse you?  But it's the truth.  These are the words I got years ago from a counselor who used Patricia Evans books in her practice that helped me get out.  Sorry to say my ex never changed, even when I disengaged, it just wasn't in him, he wasn't ready.  hugs.  Edited to give you the name of the book I was given by my couselor, it was "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.
 

troubledracer - 2015-01-18 3:46 PM


This is exactly what I am dealing with and what the counselor said that I managed to find the other day. She thinks he has a more major personality disorder causing this type of behavior. But regardless it's there. Others have seen this behavior, but 99% of time it's me and maybe his son. We do not have kids together. But he has son. Ex wife dealt with this behavior too, which makes me even more discouraged to think he'll help himself

Bug Is Alive - 2015-01-18 2:27 PM

I think it's emotional abuse too.  I also wasted many of my best years walking on eggshells to not add fuel to the flames.  It doesn't matter if you are "good", he will still unleash his anger on you because there is something else going on and he's releasing the tension of whatever else makes him feel powerless.  He is filled with inner tension, but if he were to admit it, he would have to face whatever is bothering him.  It's a vicious cycle of him building tension up and then getting angry at you to release the tension.  He gets rewards from unleashing on you, the release of tension and the feeling of power and dominance, which he knows you can do nothing about.  Have you noticed that the quieter you are during an outburst, the angier he gets?  That's because he needs the feeling of power and release and only gets that if he gets a reaction out of you, so he'll escalate until he gets what he wants.  He's an anger addict, and the outbursts are his fix.  You both share a different reality because he feels GOOD after he unleashes his anger (the fix) on you and you probably think otherwise. 

The only way to stop it is to get professional help or leave, but if he won't get help, you must call him out and set limits EVERY SINGLE time he is emotionally abusive to you, weather it's an angry outburst, disguised as a joke, no matter what he says, or even if you made a mistake, he's out of line verbally abusing you EVER, IN ANY WAY!  You can't listen to the words because he's being irrational.  To try to change the situation, you have to be ready for him and immediately tell him to STOP IT, and if he doesn't, leave or hang up, or whatever, but disengage yourself from him.  DO NOT try to rationalize with him no matter what he says (you will lose).  The hope is that he realizes what he's doing, and sees you are a strong enough person to not take it anymore.  If he doesn't care, then you have your answer.  Don't play his game, disengage immediately.

Something else to consider.  Does he unleash his anger on anyone else or in front of anyone else?  If he only does it to you behind closed doors, bad news because that means he knows the difference and he CHOOSES to pick on you and no one else.  He knows anyone else would walk away or avoid him or leave, but he thinks he has you right where he can abuse you and you will take it, so show him different.  Isn't it horrible to know that the person you love is choosing to verbally abuse you?  But it's the truth.  These are the words I got years ago from a counselor who used Patricia Evans books in her practice that helped me get out.  Sorry to say my ex never changed, even when I disengaged, it just wasn't in him, he wasn't ready.  hugs.  Edited to give you the name of the book I was given by my couselor, it was "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.