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boon
Posts: 2
| Im not new, but for the sake of my own privacy I'm wanting to remain annonamous 
Sorry if this gets long, but please bear with me and let me know if im being jealous or if its normal to feel upset...
For the first time ever (im 26) Im dating a dad who was previously married (he's 33). I love his two boys and treat them like they're my own! He does spoil them but I feel like at the same time he's spoiling his ex wife too! (insert dramatic music here)
We have been dating since September and since then I have only seen her a handful of times when dropping the boys back off with her on sunday nights, and I honestly have to say she is the rudest most stuck up thing ive EVER met! Regardless to say I do not like her and everytime she is brought up in a conversation me and my bf always end up arguing. She is a lazy and selfish woman who lives off the state while she chooses to keep a minimum wage paying job while collecting over $1800 a month in child support from my bf. She gets dramatically reduced rent from the state, free health ins, free after school care for them, reduced lunches but somehow manages to have nice clothes and drives an almost brand new car, meanwhile my bf even pays her cell phone bill! He claims if he doesnt pay for her (smart) phone he wont ever get to talk to the kids...I ask why he cant pay for her to have a cheap flip phone he says because the kids like to play games on her phone... ok well both boys each have their own tablets with unlimited internet on them...keep in mind they're 5 and 7!!
Am I the only one who sees a problem here or am I being jealous? I dont need him to pay my cell phone bill as I go to work everyday to pay for everything I have its just the principal 
Edited by Lost1 2015-02-23 11:58 PM
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The Resident Destroyer of Liberal Logic
 
Location: PNW | I see you as being a bit of both.... maybe...
Reasonable: Totally legit to be annoyed at her for milking both the system and your boyfriend
Jealous: He can do with his money what he wants. If he wants to pay for her to have a smart phone, he can. Does he use it for stuff like Facetime or Skype with the boys?
If it REALLY bothers you, maybe start slowly with suggestions of compromise instead of just cold-turkey changes. Maybe suggest she split the bill?
I would tread carefully on this though. Even though they are separated, she IS the mother of his children and he may still feel obligated to defend her and her behaviors. I suggest just being "gentle" with the subject, especially since you are only dating and not sharing finances. It is ultimately his choice what he does and doesn't pay for in regards to his boys and their mother.
Hugs - that is not an easy situation for anyone involved and I admire your willingness to accept his kiddos. I was raised with step-parents and know it is definitely not for the faint of heart sometimes. | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 288
| I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have been exactly in your shoes. It is exactly what you feel in your heart it is. He is babying her 1) it is easier. If or when he finally cuts her off, she will pull every nasty trick in the book to bully him back into being her cash cow 2) He has some wierd emotional hangup that he probably can't even put words to but feels something. Responsibility? IDK. After 12 years I can't really put a name to it either. But if he ends up setting those emotional boundaries too, she will flip. It's a control thing for her. Also called the golden uterus complex. She feels because she had his kids, she's entitled to whatever and you are just an afterthought. If that even. Been married 9 years and my hubbys ex and his teenage daughters still refer to me as his "so called wife" | |
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Veteran
Posts: 288
| Wanted to add, I would never do this over if I had the opportunity. Ever. | |
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Common Sense and then some
Location: So. California | Yes, I think you are being overly sensitive (insecure) towards the matter.
The amount of child support he pays is between him and her. $1,800 in child support, when you break it down for two kids is not that much money - obviously he can afford that, so it's not a problem. And, it's none of your business.
What she does for a living, again, is none of your business - at least she is working.
How do you know that she receives reduced rent, reduced lunches, free health insurance and free after school care? And just why isn't the father supplying health insurance for the children?? How is any of this your business?
His paying her cell phone bill is interesting... Is it a control issue on his part, her part or a requirement of the divorce decree? Is she added onto his plan? Nevermind, don't answer this. It really is none of my business. 
I'm buying my granddaughter a tablet for her 4th birthday, and yes I'm loading it with educational games. 3 months ago I would have never even considered the idea until I had a very enlightening conversation with a young couple at Best Buy before Christmas. I did my research and now realize that they were right on the money! That couple change my thinking on tablets, learning, the future...Tablets are now required in many grade schools for completing homework assignments. Technology is moving at the speed of light and our youth better be on the band wagon or get left behind.
Be happy that he cares so much for his children that he is willing to go the extra mile. Take a deep breath and be the best girlfriend you can be.
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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| I agree with Annie, none of it is your business. It sounds like your boyfriend has huge responsibilities and is one of the few who are actually living up to them. Like it or not, the situation is one he created and you are going to have to just deal with it. You're not even his wife and you're passing judgement and trying to suggest changes on things that you were never around for. It sounds like he needs a supportive friend rather than just another person telling him what to do. He sounds like a good man. Be happy and live your own life before you end up his ex and his third wife starts to pry into your business.
Just my two cents. | |
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Industrial Srength Barrel Racer
Posts: 7268
| wickedstepmother - 2015-02-24 12:12 AM
Wanted to add, I would never do this over if I had the opportunity. Ever.
This - 100%. | |
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 The Vaccinator
Posts: 3810
Location: Slipping down the slope of old age. Boo hoo. | Anniemae - 2015-02-24 1:09 AM
Yes, I think you are being overly sensitive (insecure) towards the matter.Â
The amount of child support he pays is between him and her. $1,800 in child support, when you break it down for two kids is not that much money - obviously he can afford that, so it's not a problem.  And, it's none of your business. What she does for a living, again, is none of your business - at least she is working. Â
How do you know that she receives reduced rent, reduced lunches, free health insurance and free after school care? Â And just why isn't the father supplying health insurance for the children?? How is any of this your business?
His paying her cell phone bill is interesting...  Is it a control issue on his part, her part or a requirement of the divorce decree?  Is she added onto his plan?  Nevermind, don't answer this.  It really is none of my business.  I'm buying my granddaughter a tablet for her 4th birthday, and yes I'm loading it with educational games.  3 months ago I would have never even considered the idea until I had a very enlightening conversation with a young couple at Best Buy before Christmas. I did my research and now realize that they were right on the money! That couple change my thinking on tablets, learning, the future...Tablets are now required in many grade schools for completing homework assignments. Technology is moving at the speed of light and our youth better be on the band wagon or get left behind.Be happy that he cares so much for his children that he is willing to go the extra mile. Take a deep breath and be the best girlfriend you can be.   Â
I agree with this.... and I am a stepmom who assisted raising two sons. If you and he remain together those children AND ex-wife will be a part of your life for a long, long, long time. She is not your competition - she IS in your life. Do I love my husband's ex-wife. No, but I respect her and treat her with the same courtesy and dignity that I would treat anyone else. She has shared holiday meals and with in our home so we could all be together with the boys and now with grandchildren - and we have shared holiday meals in her home. I have been married for 37 years. We have all - together - raised two wonderful young men. | |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| RidenFly - 2015-02-24 4:13 AM
I agree with Annie, none of it is your business. It sounds like your boyfriend has huge responsibilities and is one of the few who are actually living up to them. Like it or not, the situation is one he created and you are going to have to just deal with it.  You're not even his wife and you're passing judgement and trying to suggest changes on things that you were never around for.  It sounds like he needs a supportive friend rather than just another person telling him what to do. He sounds like a good man. Be happy and live your own life before you end up his ex and his third wife starts to pry into your business.Â
 Just my two cents.Â
Well said Riden. I completely agree. Also he is being a good dad, not real common in my little world. It is really none of your business what kind of things his kids have. It sounds like maybe you need to find someone with no kids/ex to deal with. To be honest, I wouldn't want to deal with all of that stuff myself. My BIL and SIL have nightmare exes so I understand a little bit. Jealousy is hard to get rid of, I pray you can overcome it. | |
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Truth is, you need to mind your own business until you're married to him, because right now you haven't been made permanent. Then you'll get more say so over the money. You won't get any say so over the boys, except maybe in little things and that's depending on how well you go about it.
Read a Career Girls Guide to Becoming a Stepmom. Very valuable insight.
Honestly, I don't think girlfriends should be involved in kid raising until many years have gone by, you share a house together, or you are within a committed engagement.
I've done it both ways, and when I left my 'boyfriend', it was disastrous for the kiddos, it was terrible for me, and honestly, I ended up friends with their mother. Ha ha. True story.
I'm married now to a wonderful man with two children. If anything, I make a point of helping out with the kids financially. They're spoiled pretty rotten, and deservedly so, they didn't ask to be seperated from their Dad. I work extra hard to get along with their moms too, because truthfully, they have a lot of power, because they're the mom.
If there's something that I just don't think is right, I sit down with my husband and we talk it through. I'm careful with my approach, and always make sure he knows that I still have kid interest in my mind. We've designed a pretty good system, all of us, that we all seem to get along with mostly.
Just remember, he once felt the same about this woman as he currently feels about you. Maybe not carbon copy, but the same level as attachment and MORE, because he had children with her and MARRIED her. Her life has completely changed, she's now the single mom of two small kids; and she's probably not feeling like this is an ideal situation either.
If she's not running her life to suit you now, you'll have to get used to it. It's not changing, not for you. She's going to get whatever she can, and she feels entitled, and maybe she is in some things. She's the mother of his children.
So my advice is to take it on the chin, smile, maybe express how you feel about the really major things, but express it quietly, calmly, reiterating that you want the best for the kids BUT... and then go shopping or riding or spend time with your girlfriends until you can go back to him with a smile and a good attitude.
I'm doing it. Sometimes it's really, really hard. My man is worth it, and he's worth going the distance as his team mate, not somebody else to please and fight with. I'd lose him if I acted as a heavy load along with everything else he has to deal with in his life.
Make sure your man is truly worth what it's going to take, because step mothering is tough, tough, tough. And read that book, it's helped me get to a perspective that has saved my marriage and helped me be a better person.
Edited by classicpotatochip 2015-02-24 6:55 AM
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 395
| His child support is most likely set by the state in which he lives. If not, that's his choice. I think it's time for you to move on. You're only 26. This relationship isn't for you. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1280
Location: Texas | If you were my daughter (mine is 27) I would tell you to find a man with no children and start your own family. If you marry & have children together, you will always have to share him with his first family. It doesn't sound like that's what you want to do (based on this convo). Good luck. | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 696
| Griz - 2015-02-25 2:32 AM
wickedstepmother - 2015-02-24 12:12 AM
Wanted to add, I would never do this over if I had the opportunity. Ever.
This - 100%.
I COULDN'T AGREE MORE!!!!!  | |
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 Tried and True
Posts: 21185
Location: Where I am happiest | I think you are trying to fight a battle you will only lose,,,,,,,,,,,, forever. You knew going in he had a ex wife and children. They will always be his children and she will always be the mother of his children and he will be obligated to pay for their care at least until they are 18 and even after those kids are 18, he will always be their Dad. Dont allow things you cant control or dont have a say in free rent in your head or it will only fester like a sliver in your finger. Accept it, or move on. | |
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Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| tracies - 2015-02-24 8:06 AM
If you were my daughter (mine is 27) I would tell you to find a man with no children and start your own family. If you marry & have children together, you will always have to share him with his first family. It doesn't sound like that's what you want to do (based on this convo). Good luck.
I agree with this. I'm 30, and I absolutely plan to not have children. Part time child care fits just fine. We have agreed to adopt if things still look rosey in another 5-10, and if we both think it's a good idea.
The older I get, the more I don't want my own. Dads that are dealing with split families usually don't want more kids, and shouldn't be expected by new wives and girlfriends to have more. Take this into account!! | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 490
| wickedstepmother - 2015-02-24 12:12 AM
Wanted to add, I would never do this over if I had the opportunity. Ever.
AGREE 100%!
I was in your shoes. But I married the man. When I came into the picture they were 9 and 11 and 17. They are 15, 17 and 23 now. I am still referred to as the "other" woman and the other night at a table full of friends the youngest made the comment that he doesn't know why his dad married me. His daughter (the 23 yr old) wont speak to me. I have put down my foot that she is not welcome in my home if she cannot be civil. 6 yrs Ive been in the picture and Im not going anywhere. She came over one day and refused to speak to me. I mean flat out would not answer even a hey how are you doing. I told hubby that unless she can be respectful of me, in my own home, she can keep her happy rear away. I wouldn't go to her moms where she lives and act like that. She wont do it to me and I let her.
It doesn't get easier unless the dad wants it to. Mine is finally seeing what Ive been saying about the ex. But best advice I can give.... WALK AWAY.
I love my husband and he is my best friend but I wont do this again. Once is enough.
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 Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| Anniemae - 2015-02-24 1:09 AM
Yes, I think you are being overly sensitive (insecure) towards the matter.Â
The amount of child support he pays is between him and her. $1,800 in child support, when you break it down for two kids is not that much money - obviously he can afford that, so it's not a problem.  And, it's none of your business. What she does for a living, again, is none of your business - at least she is working. Â
How do you know that she receives reduced rent, reduced lunches, free health insurance and free after school care? Â And just why isn't the father supplying health insurance for the children?? How is any of this your business?
His paying her cell phone bill is interesting...  Is it a control issue on his part, her part or a requirement of the divorce decree?  Is she added onto his plan?  Nevermind, don't answer this.  It really is none of my business.  I'm buying my granddaughter a tablet for her 4th birthday, and yes I'm loading it with educational games.  3 months ago I would have never even considered the idea until I had a very enlightening conversation with a young couple at Best Buy before Christmas. I did my research and now realize that they were right on the money! That couple change my thinking on tablets, learning, the future...Tablets are now required in many grade schools for completing homework assignments. Technology is moving at the speed of light and our youth better be on the band wagon or get left behind.Be happy that he cares so much for his children that he is willing to go the extra mile. Take a deep breath and be the best girlfriend you can be.   Â
Geesh I only get half of that amount for my two kids... I remember when I met my now husband. His daughter 9 and holy cow I thought he spoiled her rotten. Been through the whole paying for the phones and service thing too. Just have to learn to bite your tongue for avoiding an argument, honestly it's not worth it. You are just dating right now. When I married him I had more of a say so but I pick and choose my battles still just to keep the peace. My step daughter is now 14 and we have a pretty good relationship and actually we just quit paying her cell phone bill, her mother decided she was going to take it over so she could keep tabs on her. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1561
| Its tough raising kids period, it doesnt matter if your the step parent or the real parent. And if you think its going to be easy to raise a kid because they came from your loins you have another thing coming. | |
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 Twin Sister to Queen Boobie
Posts: 13315
Location: East Tennessee but who knows?! | If he won't stand up to her now, he's not going to stand up to her even if you get married and even if it impacts you and your finances. That's never going to change. And trust me, it eventually will impact you and your finances if you get married.
Even if you're not married, I think you have every right to bring it up and you have every right to be upset. You've been seeing each other for a few months, it's more than just a date or two and you obviously have some feelings. It's getting a little more serious and this is something that you need to talk about before you go any further and invest any more time.
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Expert
Posts: 1226
| Think of it this way at least he is not a dead beat dad. Sounds like he is doing the best he can and doing it well. I agree stay out of it or move on. You are in a losing battle. | |
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