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Member
Posts: 8
| Sorry this is going to be long, but I am so lost right now, and I'm not sure what to do.
My husband and I have been married for 3 years now and have been living together for 6. 99% of the time there is really no "problem" in our marriage, but the past 2 days have been rough for what seems like no reason. Tonight I got a phone call had ran outside and he couldn't find her. She had gotten in the trash and she knows she gets in trouble for that so she scooted out the door when he opened it and disappeared. I got home about 20 minutes later and was able to find her, but he basically told me it's either him or the animals because he's sick of the animals destroying things.
Now, I'm not an idiot, and I realize he's probably mad about something else and it's showing up this way. He is typically really good with the animals, but I think he thinks I love them more, and if he honestly made me choose I'm not sure that he would be wrong. I don't think I could be with someone that made me choose.
But, there are a million other things that I have wondered about even before we got married. I am not physically attracted to him (even though he's not unattractive) and there's never been that serious passion in our relationship that I've had in others. This means he gets turned down a lot because I'm just not all that into it, and he gets frustrated/mad and annoys me even more about it. As of right now, we haven't had sex in almost 2 weeks and I would be willing to bet that's part if not all the reason he is acting this way towards me. We also don't really have serious conversations about anything, in a lot of ways he is like dealing with a 14 year old boy. Since we both have very different interests, we don't spend much quality time together either. He prefers to hang out with his friends and I would rather be with my horses.
He does have a lot of good qualities, and I don't mean to sound like I don't love him, because I do. He is one of the hardest working people I have ever met, is very sweet and considerate, cooks all of the meals for us, and is completely trustworthy.
I don't really know what I'm asking, maybe I just needed to type it all out or hear people say that I should get over myself. Whatever your advice may be, let me have it.
Edited by SoConfused 2015-03-08 1:51 PM
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
  
| Why did you marry him, if you are not attracted to him?
Did you marry him as it is the smart thing to do?
Do you love him as a brother?
I cannot fathom being married to someone who I was not attracted to.
Edited to add attraction is more then physical, it is also emotional.
Edited by cheryl makofka 2015-03-05 9:14 PM
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | cheryl makofka - 2015-03-05 9:12 PM Why did you marry him, if you are not attracted to him? Did you marry him as it is the smart thing to do? Do you love him as a brother? I cannot fathom being married to someone who I was not attracted to. Edited to add attraction is more then physical, it is also emotional.
These were my thoughts too, sounds like your with him for the convenience of things. | |
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Member
Posts: 8
| Why did I marry him? Because he was stable and safe. I had spent several years in relationships with plenty of attraction but ended up being cheated on, lied to, constant fighting, etc. I traded physical attraction for stability.
As far as how do I love him (as a brother, friend), I'm not really sure how to answer that. Sometimes after I spend a lot of time with my friends and hear about their husbands, I am so extremely grateful for mine. For the most part, he really is a great guy.
Almost daily I think I should try to alter my mindset, just say yes to him whenever he asks and that the attraction will follow. But then he asks and I say no. It's been 6 years, is that really something you can manufacture when it wasn't there to begin with? | |
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Rad Dork
Posts: 5218
Location: Oklahoma | I would suggest finding a hobby or something that you can do that you don't share with anyone else.... My husband isn't the biggest fan of my horses, but he had rather me be independent and fill my time with them than sit around complaining that I'm not getting quality time with him.
And find a way to spice things up. Men need lovin' and I bet that would solve some of your problems.
ETA: a hobby only the two of you can share.
Edited by Longneck 2015-03-05 9:51 PM
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 Don't Wanna Make This Awkward
Posts: 3106
Location: Texas | Was there ever physical attraction there? Are you happy when everything is perfect in your relationship(no problems)? To me it sounds like he will get over the animal thing, and that the problem here is much deeper than what you wrote about... | |
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Member
Posts: 8
| outrundaizy - 2015-03-05 10:07 PM
Was there ever physical attraction there? Are you happy when everything is perfect in your relationship(no problems)? To me it sounds like he will get over the animal thing, and that the problem here is much deeper than what you wrote about...
You are right, there is a much deeper problem, and it's me. I take him for granted and assume he would never leave me. So when he says things like he did tonight, it rocks my world back into reality and reminds me that he would be much better off without me than I would be without him....I just don't treat him that way. But I honestly don't know how to change my mindset. How do I make myself appreciate him for what he is instead of wishing he was something he's not? I know that it is my fault, and he deserves better than what I give him, I just can't seem to bring myself to change. | |
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 A Barrel Of Monkeys
Posts: 12972
Location: Texas | First, get a couple of books. You can get them both on Amazon.com:
"The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. I'm not a fan of the woman but the book is pretty eye opening.
"The Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage; How the Power of One Changes Everything" by Michael Smalley.
You can turn this around - he sounds like he's worth the effort.
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
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How do you want to spend the next 30 years?
How would you feel if the roles were reversed and he wasn't attracted to you, and he kept saying no to you (on intimacy, dates, outings, etc). This is how I always look at things, and from what you have shared it sounds like you use him as a door mat.
Relationships are give and take, it sounds like you are just taking and not giving anything in return.
Is it possible to get physical/emotional attraction, if it isn't there after 6 yrs I would say no.
Honestly, I say you need professional help, see a marriage counsellor.
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 Expert
Posts: 1857
| Sex drive can be lost. Overtime we let our everyday responsibilities take over and we forget why we were attracted to each other in the first place. We find our selves to busy, too tired, tv, Facebook, etc. get in the way of or relationships. People don't take the time to appreciate the other person. Everyday come home and for 5 minutes give him your undivided attention. The first thing you do, give him a hug and kiss, like a 5 second kiss not a pec. Make an effort to compliment him and ask him to give you one compliment a day. Simple thing that can change the way you feel in a split second. At first it's going to feel awkward, over time it becomes natural. Life happens, don't give up just because it get a little ruff. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | I can really relate to most everything you are saying and I can tell you about 6 months ago, we went through a really rough time in our marriage when I was about to walk away, I have to say the most important thing I learned from it was, Love is a choice, we both wanted to save our marriage and REALLY love each other how each needed to be loved.
We worked really hard on our marriage. We read the book the 5 Love Languages together and learned a lot about each other. Learn what makes you and him feel loved, take the online quiz, it's really easy. We also listened to W.F. Harleys six sessions on His Needs vs. Her Needs (they're all free on youtube!) and it helped us tremendously, I can't say enough good about it. I think those two things, praying and trying to be more empathetic saved our marriage. Someones looks alone don't make them attractive, most of it I've found is how you treat one another. PM me if you'd like. Sorry you're going through this, I think it's a normal thing and you'll be stronger getting through this together.
Edited by DLV 2015-03-05 11:31 PM
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 Expert
Posts: 1718
Location: Southeast Louisiana | First, I agree with the others above. It takes work no matter how you felt in the beginning. The physical side will fade so you need more than that. And, I think counseling will probably help. Maybe you should go, they will probably want to see you alone anyway.
As for whether what you're asking can be manufactured or not. That's hard to answer without knowing you both better (counselor can help there). I can say this. I was friends with my now husband for a very long time before we dated. I feel like we will always have that friendship no matter what. Because of that, we know each others' needs. That is a large part of why I am so deeply attracted to him. Would we have had that if we had married after knowing each other for a shorter amount of time, probably not. It would have taken a lot of work to build toward it if that had been the case. But, I do believe you can turn that love of your friend into passion. | |
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 Don't Need Sugar Coating
Posts: 1183
Location: AR & OK | I highly suggest you read the books the other poster recommended.
They are worth it.
Go get a medical check up you might be low on estrogen.
askdrhelen.com has some great products (probably the best on the market in my opinion for women) that are not synthetic. http://www.helenpensanti.com/New-Combo-Recommendation/products/222/
I use these products but am not affiliated with this company.
One of the things that happens when a person has been abused in prior relationships then gets into one that is not drama filled, they don't know how to enjoy the peace. Feel like there is no excitement in the peace.
You have stopped giving and that is a lonely life.
It seems like you have an expectation on him that benefits you but none on yourself to him.
The animal getting into the trash is a human problem not the animals. Make changes to the trash situation. Get a secured trash bin that nothing can get into it. Just little changes like that can bring back the peace.
((( hugs )))
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Umm. Wow.
I'm going to try really hard not to come off rude, but just, wow. Your poor husband. I think you need to get over yourself and learn how to treat your man before somebody gathers him up and loves the shttt right out of him.
Sounds like you're being very selfish and were being selfish when you married him.
You're always apart, but when together, you ignore him? He cooks, takes care of you, and makes things right for you? You spend time wishing for the passion you had for someone else? You turn him down sexually? You don't do anything to make him feel special. Geez. Would you want to be married to you?
I personally feel you need to take a really long look in the mirror and listen to the things you're saying, and look at the emotional abuse you are inflicting on someone you're supposed to love and count on more than anyone. How horrible it must be to be rejected by the one person that has promised to shelter and care for you for the rest of your life, I really feel for your guy.
When you look down on him and say he's like dealing with a child, and you mean it, that's so disrespectful. You seem to not respect him as a provider and as someone that is your protector. Why do you feel that way?
Why did you take advantage and marry someone that you couldn't uphold something so special with, and treat as someone to be cherished?
Stop being selfish or let him go so he can be admired, satisfied, and made much of by someone that can't get enough of him. Don't we ALL of us deserve that? | |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| classicpotatochip - 2015-03-06 5:57 AM Umm. Wow. I'm going to try really hard not to come off rude, but just, wow. Your poor husband. I think you need to get over yourself and learn how to treat your man before somebody gathers him up and loves the shttt right out of him. Sounds like you're being very selfish and were being selfish when you married him. You're always apart, but when together, you ignore him? He cooks, takes care of you, and makes things right for you? You spend time wishing for the passion you had for someone else? You turn him down sexually? You don't do anything to make him feel special. Geez. Would you want to be married to you? I personally feel you need to take a really long look in the mirror and listen to the things you're saying, and look at the emotional abuse you are inflicting on someone you're supposed to love and count on more than anyone. How horrible it must be to be rejected by the one person that has promised to shelter and care for you for the rest of your life, I really feel for your guy. When you look down on him and say he's like dealing with a child, and you mean it, that's so disrespectful. You seem to not respect him as a provider and as someone that is your protector. Why do you feel that way? Why did you take advantage and marry someone that you couldn't uphold something so special with, and treat as someone to be cherished? Stop being selfish or let him go so he can be admired, satisfied, and made much of by someone that can't get enough of him. Don't we ALL of us deserve that?
I am on the same page as CP. Nothing more to add. | |
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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| rodeomom3 - 2015-03-07 4:43 AM
classicpotatochip - 2015-03-06 5:57 AM Umm. Wow. I'm going to try really hard not to come off rude, but just, wow. Your poor husband. I think you need to get over yourself and learn how to treat your man before somebody gathers him up and loves the shttt right out of him. Sounds like you're being very selfish and were being selfish when you married him. You're always apart, but when together, you ignore him? He cooks, takes care of you, and makes things right for you? You spend time wishing for the passion you had for someone else? You turn him down sexually? You don't do anything to make him feel special. Geez. Would you want to be married to you? I personally feel you need to take a really long look in the mirror and listen to the things you're saying, and look at the emotional abuse you are inflicting on someone you're supposed to love and count on more than anyone. How horrible it must be to be rejected by the one person that has promised to shelter and care for you for the rest of your life, I really feel for your guy. When you look down on him and say he's like dealing with a child, and you mean it, that's so disrespectful. You seem to not respect him as a provider and as someone that is your protector. Why do you feel that way? Why did you take advantage and marry someone that you couldn't uphold something so special with, and treat as someone to be cherished? Stop being selfish or let him go so he can be admired, satisfied, and made much of by someone that can't get enough of him. Don't we ALL of us deserve that?
I am on the same page as CP. Nothing more to add.
This. | |
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 IMA No Hair Style Gal
Posts: 2594
| Marriage is not all rainbows and butterflies. There are times where you are going to have to fight for it. What are you doing to fight for him? He deserves that, as you do too. Anyone in a marriage does, that is why you make a vow. | |
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 BHW's Lance Armstrong 
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | like you said you are not an idiot. Everything that you mentioned in you post can be fixable.You can only change yourself.Marriage: Forgiveness, Charity the true Love of Christ, Compassion. You and your husband do those 3 things and you will succeed. Yes the problem isn't the mess the animals are making it is an underlying problem. You both need to be honest with each other and openly talk about the problems in your marriage and how to fix them. COMPROMISE is huge in a marriage. You compromise for the good of the marriage. Marriage has to be worked at 24/7. Your husband should always come b4 your horses or animals or anything visa versa. There is nothing more important than each other. The 5 Love Languages is an awesome book. Read it together and talk about it as you read the chapters. Make changes to your lives for the better of the marriage. You have to have a physical attraction in some way. Maybe it is his work ethic that attracts you but you have to hold on to something. You each have to focus on each other love and needs. You are not married to your horses. You may love them but it is not the same kind of love. Sex can help but will not cure the problems but it won't hurt. Joke here: Why do women close their eyes during sex? Because they can't stand seeing a man have a good time!I don't know if you are religious or not but you may want to en corporate some christ like attributes into your marriage.Communication Communication Communication! If a man does not feel loved he will go looking for love!
Edited by Douglas J Gordon 2015-03-06 8:01 AM
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  Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | RidenFly - 2015-03-06 7:00 AM
rodeomom3 - 2015-03-07 4:43 AM
classicpotatochip - 2015-03-06 5:57 AM Umm. Wow. I'm going to try really hard not to come off rude, but just, wow. Your poor husband. I think you need to get over yourself and learn how to treat your man before somebody gathers him up and loves the shttt right out of him. Sounds like you're being very selfish and were being selfish when you married him. You're always apart, but when together, you ignore him? He cooks, takes care of you, and makes things right for you? You spend time wishing for the passion you had for someone else? You turn him down sexually? You don't do anything to make him feel special. Geez. Would you want to be married to you? I personally feel you need to take a really long look in the mirror and listen to the things you're saying, and look at the emotional abuse you are inflicting on someone you're supposed to love and count on more than anyone. How horrible it must be to be rejected by the one person that has promised to shelter and care for you for the rest of your life, I really feel for your guy. When you look down on him and say he's like dealing with a child, and you mean it, that's so disrespectful. You seem to not respect him as a provider and as someone that is your protector. Why do you feel that way? Why did you take advantage and marry someone that you couldn't uphold something so special with, and treat as someone to be cherished? Stop being selfish or let him go so he can be admired, satisfied, and made much of by someone that can't get enough of him. Don't we ALL of us deserve that?
I am on the same page as CP. Nothing more to add.
This.
Sorry, me too. I wouldn't want to be married to you. | |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9991
Location: Kansas | classicpotatochip - 2015-03-06 5:57 AM Umm. Wow. I'm going to try really hard not to come off rude, but just, wow. Your poor husband. I think you need to get over yourself and learn how to treat your man before somebody gathers him up and loves the shttt right out of him. Sounds like you're being very selfish and were being selfish when you married him. You're always apart, but when together, you ignore him? He cooks, takes care of you, and makes things right for you? You spend time wishing for the passion you had for someone else? You turn him down sexually? You don't do anything to make him feel special. Geez. Would you want to be married to you? I personally feel you need to take a really long look in the mirror and listen to the things you're saying, and look at the emotional abuse you are inflicting on someone you're supposed to love and count on more than anyone. How horrible it must be to be rejected by the one person that has promised to shelter and care for you for the rest of your life, I really feel for your guy. When you look down on him and say he's like dealing with a child, and you mean it, that's so disrespectful. You seem to not respect him as a provider and as someone that is your protector. Why do you feel that way? Why did you take advantage and marry someone that you couldn't uphold something so special with, and treat as someone to be cherished? Stop being selfish or let him go so he can be admired, satisfied, and made much of by someone that can't get enough of him. Don't we ALL of us deserve that?
I've never been married.....but I'm going to have to agree with CP. | |
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