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 Underestimated Underdog
Posts: 3971
    
Location: Minnesota | I dont know what Im asking for or if Im even asking for anything, maybe a hug or someone to talk to. I dont know. This probably wont make any sense and I hope that's okay with everyone. I've tried talking to people here in MN and its not helping. I feel like some of you on this board are more of a friend to me then the friends I can actually see or have even met for that matter.
A month and a half ago I lost my mare. It was my first time loosing a horse, it was so unexpected and I didnt have time to say goodbye. A few weeks later I moved out of the house my husband and I shared. I tried and tried for a couple years to make things work and I couldnt do it anymore. Two weeks ago my aunt died. She basically raised me after my mom died. Her and my mom were like sisters. My aunt was married to my mom's twin brother. My aunt wrote to me in a journal and I read it every day. Sometimes it makes it better but other days I cant help but feel horrible.
I cant see past the next 5 minutes and I dont know how to handle all of this. My aunt wouldnt want me to be like this, I know all that but that doesnt stop me from sitting here not knowing...I took a personal day from work because the nightmates have kept me up for days. I close my eyes and they're there, I wake up crying. I go back to sleep and the nightmare just picks back up. I cant escape from my reality into my dreams because my dreams have turned into nightmares that wont stop.
Im rambling and I dont even know what Im looking for.
Thanks for listening. You've been great BHW. |
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 Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | I've been wondering where you have been on Facebook. I am so sorry to hear about this. You have a great outlet here and an awesome support system.  |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | I'm so sorry sterling. I'm here if you need anything. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 550
| Hugs & prayers.
That is a rough few months to go through, and like you said, sometimes the next 5 minutes is the best you can do. You just have to keep going 5 minutes at a time, and things WILL get better. It is sometimes hard to believe in the midst of the pain, but they do. |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Hugs and prayers, hang in there for the better times that are ahead of you and they will come. |
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  Playing the Waiting Game
Posts: 2304
| Greif takes it's own time... Just keep breathing! Because sometimes that is all you can do.. I hope your job is sympathetic to your issues and allows you the time you need. I've had many days that I woke up and had to tell myself... BREATHE... And I do get through one more day.
Please don't blame GOD... I feel it's the devil trying to get you to turn away from GOD that is putting these obsticles in your way.
Bless you and I'll pray for you to have the strength to get happy. |
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Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
Location: OH. IO | HUGS TO MY FAVORITE GIRL!! After the loss of your mare and the loss of the life at home and the loss of your aunt I guess I wouldnt expect anything but difficult times for awhile.But your aunt is Pain free and for that I say celebrate! She sure was very sick and the pain is gone now. SHE WANTED YOU TO BE STRONG AND HAPPY.Remember her in happy memories and live your life through her. As for your new life...knowing what I know....again CELEBRATE!!! YOU DESERVE BETTER! and as for Jetta.WOW!!! HOW BLESSED WAS THAT MARE TO HAVE YOU!!!!!! You did so right by that mare that im positive she passed peacefully with so much love for you! Again CELEBRATE!!! See...your life is a celebration of great things.Take it to the fullest! Theres gonna be pain..hurt and struggles no doubt..But all we can do is thank God for what he has given us.YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE!
Edited by jake16 2015-03-19 9:05 AM
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 Veteran
Posts: 120
Location: The Great Midwest | What tough times you have been going through and I will pray that the Lord can comfort you in this time of hurt and pain. I just lost my mother last October to GBM stage 4 brain cancer. If you look it up the prognosis is the worst you could ever get. No survival and it slowly takes away your body functions. I can still picture her last 5 weeks of life when she was on hospice as if it was yesterday. The pain and suffering she had to go through is unbareable. BUT I choose to think of all the wonderful times I had with her. Now being only 24 I didn't get as many as most will with their moms. She made it to my wedding, but won't get to meet my children. On top of it it's only been 5 months and my father is actively seeing someone..... Someone who my mother hated..... THAT is hard to bear. I keep my head up and keep strong for HER and I have a feeling your Aunt and mom would want you to do the same. I am sure they were strong tough women and gave you the best advice you could ever have. I do not know what your religious beliefs are but I wholehartedly believe my mom is up in heaven smiling down on me (and sometimes shaking her head ;) and she is in a much better place then here. No worries, no pain just living in sheer bliss for eternity. THAT is what helps me get through these trying days because I love her SO much that I want her to live like that. And another thing that helps is I try to be thankful for all of the blessings I still have and that the Lord is providing for me. He is giving me sucess with my business which I am so passionate about, my wonderful younger sister who reminds me so much of my mother, and my best friend my husband. I could not make it without them. And last but not least my mare. I don't know how many you have in your herd but be thankful for those big 4 legged creatures! They are a blessing in disguise and can cheer you up through the hardest of times. Cheer up, hold your head high and know YOU can get through this, you have your mother and aunts wonderful experiences and advice that I am sure they gave to you during their time on Earth. Stay strong and I will be praying for you and feeling your pain as well, it's not easy. Your friend from MO ~ Rachel |
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 Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | Ctrygirl14, first of all, BIG HUGS to you!!!! Life is so hard sometimes, especially when it feels like everything happens at once. The one thing that you need to know is that as tough as things are right now, a time is coming when things will be equally as bright and great, so do not give up. I encourage you to find someone to talk to locally that doesn't know you....maybe a pastor at a church or a counselor. Someone who you can just open up to and talk about everything. I find that when I am at my lowest it helps to just talk and for me it's easier to talk to someone I don't really know. I believe that until we are able to almost purge verbally the things that are troubling us, they continue to build until we just cannot take anymore. Please find someone who can lend you an ear so you're able to do this. If you need to do it here, call me, or email me i'm happy to be that ear for you. Not because I can fix anything, but because I know the importance of just letting it go through words and the relief it can bring.
The one thing you need to know is that it is all going to be ok, I promise. There is a light at the end of this tunnel, and you have the power to reach it sooner than later. I want you to look in the mirror at yourself and say out loud to yourself that it is ok to let all of this go, that your mourning is over, and that you CHOOSE happiness over sadness at this very moment. I know that sounds silly but words are powerful! Even when we're talking to ourself out loud. The quicker you are able to do this and make this choice for yourself, the quicker you will find that light. Now please understand that the sadness will creep back, but when it does, again, say outloud that you choose happiness and retrain your brain to think of something that brings you joy. If you're having trouble finding something, get a new hobby, take up reading, go do something that makes you feel GOOD (I like to go to the tanning bed, or get my hair done, or nails done when i'm feeling bluesy....and I never do any of that on a regular basis, so it's something out of the norm that makes me feel good about me).
I promise you that if you can find something that makes you happy and retrain your brain to think of those happy things, then your nightmares will go away. If you find yourself thinking about the things that are bringing you sadness before you go to sleep, you're going to have to train yourself to clear your brain and redirect your thoughts. Sometimes when I can't sleep due to my mind being in over drive, I will simply think GO TO SLEEP, GO TO SLEEP.....yes, almost like counting sheep. HAHA But it redirects my thoughts and relaxes my body and mind and i'm able to close my eyes and sleep.
You are not alone in your struggles, you need to know that. We all have things that have bogged us down emotionally, physically, spiritually and otherwise. I know my struggles aren't as bad as many other people's on here, but I had about a year where nearly everyone I was close to let me down including my own father, my ex husband, the person I considered to be my best friend, and yes, it changed me, but I made sure it was for the better. This is the choice you have to make for yourself as well. Be sure that these experiences change you, but only for the better. I believe in you and know that you are able to do this, to get through this, and to prosper. We have never visited via PM or otherwise, but know that I am here for you, as are many others here on BHW! I want you to smile, to rest, and to choose right now that this is the first day of the rest of your life and by golly you're going to make it a good one! Big hugs again to you and i'm sending big smiles and sunshine your way!!! You got this!!!! |
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Underestimated Underdog
Posts: 3971
Location: Minnesota | I'm alone, I feel alone. My husband is gone, my mom is gone, my aunt is gone. I have these four walls and this computer. I've never felt like Ive hit such a bottum before. I'm begging God to help me. I dont know what to do.
Im the journal, my aunt wrote that she wished she would of talked about God with me more. My aunt reintroduced me to church after my mom died and its only because of my aunt that I restored my faith in God...She wished there was someone that would talk about God with me more.
God only gives us what we can handle, right? Is that how the saying goes? |
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Veteran
Posts: 120
Location: The Great Midwest | Ctrygirl14 - 2015-03-19 9:11 AM
I'm alone, I feel alone. My husband is gone, my mom is gone, my aunt is gone. I have these four walls and this computer. I've never felt like Ive hit such a bottum before. I'm begging God to help me. I dont know what to do.
Im the journal, my aunt wrote that she wished she would of talked about God with me more. My aunt reintroduced me to church after my mom died and its only because of my aunt that I restored my faith in God...She wished there was someone that would talk about God with me more.
God only gives us what we can handle, right? Is that how the saying goes?
I would LOVE to talk about faith and our everlasting wonderful God! I am here if you need me! I honesty saw your post and the title caught my attention then I just had this feeling to click on it. As I was reading your post I wanted to respond but didn't know what to say. I asked God to help me say the right words, to have my experience and words help comfort you. My church has a series going on right now titled "you'll get through this" and boy do I NEED to hear this. Our pastor talkes about the story of Joseph how he is loved by his father, hated by his brothers and sold into slavery by them for over 20 years and his father just thinks he is missing. Through out his 20 years as a slave he NEVER wanders away from God even though he wants to! IF you have time here is the links to my pastors sermons about this. You can watch the videos and I hope it helps comfort you!
http://www.bscc.org/?page_id=684
Praying for you  |
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | I agree with Herbie, you need to find someone who you can go and talk to. It's awesome that you can talk about your struggles to your board buddies, but speaking to someone in person will be very helpful, especially someone who is equipped to give advice to someone in your situation. Yes, God doesn't give you more than He think you can handle. Hang in there, it WILL get better.
Edited by Gunner11 2015-03-19 9:23 AM
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1119
| Sterling, my heart is aching for you. Any of those things on their own would be enough to cause severe heartache within a person, but to have all three happen in such a short amount of time is gut wrenching. You are strong, and as much as it hurts to look into the future, you can get through this. Please know that you will, one day at a time. If you need to talk or text, please reach out to me or anyone else on this board. My number is 309-236-4014. |
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 More bootie than waist!
Posts: 18425
Location: Riding Crackhead. | I'm so sorry Sterling. I had no idea you were going through all of this. I'm sending you prayers, many hugs and an ear to listen if you need to talk. Is splitting from your husband something that can be worked out? |
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 Namesless in BHW
Posts: 10368
Location: At the race track with Ah Dee Ohs | jake16 - 2015-03-19 9:03 AM HUGS TO MY FAVORITE GIRL!! After the loss of your mare and the loss of the life at home and the loss of your aunt I guess I wouldnt expect anything but difficult times for awhile.But your aunt is Pain free and for that I say celebrate! She sure was very sick and the pain is gone now. SHE WANTED YOU TO BE STRONG AND HAPPY.Remember her in happy memories and live your life through her. As for your new life...knowing what I know....again CELEBRATE!!! YOU DESERVE BETTER! and as for Jetta.WOW!!! HOW BLESSED WAS THAT MARE TO HAVE YOU!!!!!! You did so right by that mare that im positive she passed peacefully with so much love for you! Again CELEBRATE!!! See...your life is a celebration of great things.Take it to the fullest! Theres gonna be pain..hurt and struggles no doubt..But all we can do is thank God for what he has given us.YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE!
Great words Jake16. Sterling, we are all here for you. |
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Underestimated Underdog
Posts: 3971
Location: Minnesota | CYA Ranch - 2015-03-19 9:34 AM
I'm so sorry Sterling. I had no idea you were going through all of this. I'm sending you prayers, many hugs and an ear to listen if you need to talk. Is splitting from your husband something that can be worked out?
I honestly dont know. Im feeling so alone and broken that I dont know if Im confusing wanting to be with him or I'm just needing time to get through this. I dont know how much more time I can do all of this. The last 4 days have taken everything from me. I barely got myself to work yesterday morning and today I couldnt get myself there. Is this because of my aunt or my marriage? Both? Probably. I don't know if one is making the other worse or what to do. I feel crazy. |
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 That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
| Ctrygirl14 - 2015-03-19 9:11 AM I'm alone, I feel alone. My husband is gone, my mom is gone, my aunt is gone. I have these four walls and this computer. I've never felt like Ive hit such a bottum before. I'm begging God to help me. I dont know what to do. Im the journal, my aunt wrote that she wished she would of talked about God with me more. My aunt reintroduced me to church after my mom died and its only because of my aunt that I restored my faith in God...She wished there was someone that would talk about God with me more. God only gives us what we can handle, right? Is that how the saying goes?
I like this one better.
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 Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | I have no other words to express that haven't already been written here......but you are a very strong young lady and I know that you will continue to put one foot in front of the other......prayers for you...... |
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 Serious Snap Trapper
Posts: 4275
Location: In The Snow, AZ | I'm not good with words. So I'm just here to offer my prayers to you. God is good, all the time. We just can't always see it. |
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Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | jake16 - 2015-03-19 9:03 AM HUGS TO MY FAVORITE GIRL!! After the loss of your mare and the loss of the life at home and the loss of your aunt I guess I wouldnt expect anything but difficult times for awhile.But your aunt is Pain free and for that I say celebrate! She sure was very sick and the pain is gone now. SHE WANTED YOU TO BE STRONG AND HAPPY.Remember her in happy memories and live your life through her. As for your new life...knowing what I know....again CELEBRATE!!! YOU DESERVE BETTER! and as for Jetta.WOW!!! HOW BLESSED WAS THAT MARE TO HAVE YOU!!!!!! You did so right by that mare that im positive she passed peacefully with so much love for you! Again CELEBRATE!!! See...your life is a celebration of great things.Take it to the fullest! Theres gonna be pain..hurt and struggles no doubt..But all we can do is thank God for what he has given us.YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE!
Really well spoken, jake16! And you're so right, if we make even the things that bring us the most stress a celebration, then these things become positives in our life. |
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