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Member
Posts: 12
| Hello everyone!
I am a board regular, but posting anonymously because I'm more comfortable.
So here's my question: I am 30 years old, and have a good career that I worked very hard to get to where I'm at (student loans not paid off, working my butt off to make ends meet). I have been dating a non horsey guy for the last 7 months. He is great, and the first man I've really had interest in marrying, but I know that down the road he will want kids, he's made that clear. We also met during an odd time when I wasn't hauling at all (I normally rodeo). He doesn't really understand how I feel about the horse thing (its just a horse, right?), and he's worried about the reputation of rodeos as being one big party. I have some really nice horses that I've made on my own, and I'm not about to give all that up for anyone.
I am scared (terrified actually) of what will happen to my career, my body and my life if I have kids. I can't say never, but its not something I can say for sure that I want either. Has anyone felt this way about kids? Do non horsey SOs really ever work out? Please give me some advice.
Thank you!!! | |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
 
| You have to do what is right for you. My best advice is to have this exact conversation with him. When I met my husband I was at a place where I was very blunt and honest in my dating, I was not worried about scaring them off- if they ran then they were not the guy for me. I met my husband at a party and we had our first date a couple of weeks later. We had quite the connection and he started askingme all kinds of questions about my family, what I wanted out of life, etc. I told him I saw myself married staying home with kids- I was not career oriented and did not want to work when I had kids. He said Ok- we were married 5 months after meeting.
That said, he may not truly get what a life with horses means till he experiences it but it is only failr to him to try as best you can to explain what your life is like and your passion and devotion to your horses. You don't have to have children to be happy.
Edited by rodeomom3 2015-04-20 7:10 PM
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Location: Texas | You need to talk to your SO and explain to him what your horses mean to you, the time and work you have put into them. I would also discuss his opinion of rodeos being "one big party". Yes, some people do drink at rodeos and yes, everyone is there to have a good time, but I personally wouldn't consider it a 'party'.
You have to do what is best for YOU and what makes YOU happy. If you were to marry this man, without addressing his dislikes/concerns, it will always be an issue - resentment or separation is usually the outcome. If he truly loves you and cares about you, he will not try to take your interest/happiness away.
Kids:
Yes, children will effect your career, body and obviously your life. My sons effected my life in the greatest way possible... I would not give up my life or being a mother for ANYTHING!
My family owns and operates a cattle ranch, it is the center of our world. I am very involved in my boys life and activities - I feel all parents should be. Therefore, my boys don't have phones, iPads, video games or satellite in their rooms. My sons and husband team rope and ranch rodeo, I barrel race and rope as well, my family (aside from work) spend 99.9% of our time in the arena, barn, on the back of our horses or on the road to our events. Sacrifices do have to be made when children are involved but I still get to barrel race and watch them rope. It's a win-win.
My body even changed for the best. I never thought I would have abs after two kids, or that I would have time to run 3 miles a day and work out.
It's all about priorities and routines in our house. I wake up early to work out, I sacrifice an hour of sleep to have a healthy body. I do miss barrel races because they conflict with my sons rodeos. The way I see it, my sons will never be as young as they were yesterday and I will never get this time back; I can barrel race the rest of my life. (My husband views his team roping the same way.)
I know kids aren't for everyone, most kids are not raised like mine and sadly some parents don't spend much time with their kids. I would not change a thing, our kids complete us and are the reason we get out of bed in the morning. | |
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Married to a Louie Lover
Posts: 3303
 
| You sound like me to a T just a couple years older.
I trust that God has a plan and if it involves a man the right one will come along - much like rodeomom I'm not interested in leading anyone one and if they can't handle the blunt up front person I am then let them run. If I'm suppose to have kids I will. I also had some great friends growing up who were adopted and if kids are not in the cards during my natural childbearing years I feel that's an option.
Anyway - you have to do what's right for you. And you should have this conversion with him because it's not only respecting yourself and your time but respecting his time and him, if it's not right it's not right and you can both head on with your lives and look for the one who is right | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 696
| I didn't have time to read replies but here is my thoughts.... I always dreamed that i would barrel race forever. it was just who i was and never imagined it changing. i swore up and down that my horses would never be put on the back burner for anything no matter what!!! that is one of the many reasons i thought i didn't want kids either. when i was 23 i found out i was pregnant (happily). my twin girls are now 17 months old. horses have been put on the back burner since i found out i was pregnant in april 2013. i rode a little until i really started showing but i quit barrel racing immediately when i found out i was pregnant and especailly when i found out it was twins since they are already higher risk pregnancies. i am just NOW starting to ride and barrel race again...
i say all of that to say this.... did i miss it? heck yea you bet i did.... do i regret any of it? not for one second. the horses that i always literally swore would be with me forever, they will be sold in a heartbeat if i absolutely have to for my kids to have what they need. does having kids change you? yes, every single bit of you, but not in the ways you are imagining. i don't care so much about my barrel racing "career", couldn't care less what my body looks like now (stretch marks and the extra padding... i don't mean i don't care if i completely let myself go)... your priorities change 100% but that's not to say it is in a bad way. you learn to adapt to the new lifestyle and you love every minute of it because that sweet, precious, innocent child that came from your body is worth all of it and more.
hope this helps. not trying to "talk you into" having kids or anything like that. just giving you a point of view from a happy and proud mommy that was in your same boat just a few short years ago. i may have been younger than you at the time, but still the same idea. i'm here to talk any time  | |
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | My SO is into the whole motocross racing/ drag strip racing/ and anything that goes fast racing. LOL
I on the other hand like to watch but I am not getting on more than one horse at a time! Ha
He has his bikes and toys and I have my horses and leather work. We both support each other on weekends when our races don't interfere. He has two little girls both under 5. Usually He takes one of the girls with him and I take the other. When the youngest goes with me I have a friend hold her while I warm up and run and then she gets to sit on my horse until the next run or until we go home. When the oldest goes with me she does the same thing. Sometimes she rides double with me around the arena and she stays with one of the girls I know and trust in the stands while I run and then she's right back by my side.
I have a little girl of my own on the way in July. We have both already decided that regardless of what the girls want to do as a hobby we will always make time for our own hobbies as well. We celebrate each small victory with each other and help each other out on entry fees and other expenses from each of our checks. Yes, we will even support the girls if they want to do Ballet or heaven forbid jazz or tap LOL.
Why do we support all our own and our SO's hobbies? Because we love them and want to see them achieve great things.
Make time for you and if your SO doesn't understand that you both need alone time to do your own thing you need to move on. Life is too short to be anything but Happy!! | |
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 Worst.Housekeeper.EVER.
Location: Missouri | I've been married to my non-horse husband for 13 years.
I didn't want kids. I have three. The first thought in my mind when they handed me my firstborn son was, "I can't believe I didn't want you!" I cried guilty tears, but you just can't understand until it happens to you.
Is it hard? Yes. Would I change a thing? Nope.
I am blessed beyond measure. I know love like I never imagined.
And, yes, I can still ride. We compromise.
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 Veteran
Posts: 146
| I've been married to a non-horsey husband for 36+ years. We both did not want kids and have had no regrets never having any. I always knew horses, cats, and dogs would be my kids and I'm perfectly happy with that choice as is my DH. We've both had careers, we each have our hobbies and neither complains about the other's spending on said hobbies. This you need to be clear on from the start if you decide to get serious about the relationship. You need to decide what it is you want out of life and how that works with what your SO wants from life. If he is uncomfortable with you going to rodeo's now, once married he might want you to stop. If you really don't want kids then you need to say so, if you aren't sure then say so. He needs to know you have not yet decided either way if that's the case. You need to sit down and have a frank open discussion and be sure you are both on the same page of thinking and willing to accept the other's idea of what a marriage would be and will stick by each other's decision for the long haul. | |
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Member
Posts: 12
| Thank you for the replies everyone. I had expressed some misgivings about having children before to him, but I came home last night with the intent to let him know exactly my feelings on the subject, which I did.
To be honest, there have been some pretty big other issues that we had been trying to deal with, involving him being really insecure. He has always been super sensitive about my Ex (who I would NEVER get back with if he was the last man on earth), who my friends are, what I wear, what happens at a rodeo... So last night when I got home from work, he started questioning me...and my response was basically really??? He has major trust issues, and any time I work late (which is a LOT since I'm in the medical field) he questions me about what I was doing. There are few things crappier than working a 12-13 hour shift and coming home and getting the third degree about it.
So basically, in short we separated and I think that at this time its truly the best thing for both of us. I had given up a lot of the time I would normally spend riding to do other things with him & his family, but I wasn't feeling the support coming back toward me, and what I want to do. I think there were red flags initially about his insecurity that I should have taken more seriously. I have been trying to think about what God wants me to learn from this...and really I think maybe its that people cant change, even if they say they want to. | |
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Member
Posts: 12
| Yeah and we recently had a discussion about marriage in which he ranted "its not going to be your way!" and informed me that my dad would be GIVING me to him, to be his, and that I should be willing to give up everything to start a life with him, including my friends. Thanks but no thanks ahole | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1094
Location: Idahome | It sounds like you got out at a good time and before being married. He doensn't sound like a very supportive person and if he was showing these signs now, imagine what he would be like a few years down the road.
I was a person that always wanted kids, but I was in no hurry and my hubby and I were happy with the horses. My first was a bit of an accident, but I would change it for the world. She is the light of my life and I am about to have my second child. While it does change things, they are for the good. Being pregnant now, I haven't rode for the last few months and I am happier watching her "practice" her goat tail ribbon pull with her goat at night.
When the time is right it will happen for you. | |
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 Sock eating dog owner
Posts: 4557
Location: Where the pavement ends and the West begins Utah | Well congrats.You can't change the spots on a leopard. Males tend to forget we no longer live in the nethandral. ages. Some of us do go out and make a paycheck too. Keep smiling.
Edited by cow pie 2015-04-21 10:52 AM
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | Better off to find out now, and good riddance. There are wonderful men out there--hold out until you find one. | |
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 The Purple Princess
Posts: 2226
Location: Charlestown, IN | wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 11:21 AM Thank you for the replies everyone. I had expressed some misgivings about having children before to him, but I came home last night with the intent to let him know exactly my feelings on the subject, which I did.
To be honest, there have been some pretty big other issues that we had been trying to deal with, involving him being really insecure. He has always been super sensitive about my Ex (who I would NEVER get back with if he was the last man on earth), who my friends are, what I wear, what happens at a rodeo... So last night when I got home from work, he started questioning me...and my response was basically really??? He has major trust issues, and any time I work late (which is a LOT since I'm in the medical field) he questions me about what I was doing. There are few things crappier than working a 12-13 hour shift and coming home and getting the third degree about it.
So basically, in short we separated and I think that at this time its truly the best thing for both of us. I had given up a lot of the time I would normally spend riding to do other things with him & his family, but I wasn't feeling the support coming back toward me, and what I want to do. I think there were red flags initially about his insecurity that I should have taken more seriously. I have been trying to think about what God wants me to learn from this...and really I think maybe its that people cant change, even if they say they want to.
Take it from someone who is married to a man like this.. You are so much better off without this guy. It will never change. It will likely get worse as it has in my case.. Good Luck! | |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 10:23 AM Yeah and we recently had a discussion about marriage in which he ranted "its not going to be your way!" and informed me that my dad would be GIVING me to him, to be his, and that I should be willing to give up everything to start a life with him, including my friends. Thanks but no thanks ahole
sounds like a creep....your better off. | |
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Member
Posts: 12
| cow pie - 2015-04-21 10:48 AM Well congrats.You can't change the spots on a leopard. Males tend to forget we no longer live in the nethandral. ages. Some of us do go out and make a paycheck too. Keep smiling.
Thank you. I went to school so that I can support myself, have my own place, my own rigs...and I would really like to find someone who appreciates that about me, instead of wanting me to be something else. | |
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 Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | hoofs_in_motion - 2015-04-21 10:58 AM wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 10:23 AM Yeah and we recently had a discussion about marriage in which he ranted "its not going to be your way!" and informed me that my dad would be GIVING me to him, to be his, and that I should be willing to give up everything to start a life with him, including my friends. Thanks but no thanks ahole sounds like a creep....your better off.
And my first thought was..........you didn't dump his A$$ then????? | |
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Member
Posts: 12
| NJJ - 2015-04-21 11:08 AM
hoofs_in_motion - 2015-04-21 10:58 AM wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 10:23 AM Yeah and we recently had a discussion about marriage in which he ranted "its not going to be your way!" and informed me that my dad would be GIVING me to him, to be his, and that I should be willing to give up everything to start a life with him, including my friends. Thanks but no thanks ahole sounds like a creep....your better off.
That was Sunday. I know, I know. I should have. At least it only took 24 hours though right? | |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 10:23 AM Yeah and we recently had a discussion about marriage in which he ranted "its not going to be your way!" and informed me that my dad would be GIVING me to him, to be his, and that I should be willing to give up everything to start a life with him, including my friends. Thanks but no thanks ahole Wow, glad you got out before investing more time and emotion in him - he is way off base. I hit the jackpot with my husband, we have been married 27 years and are still nuts about each other. We were broke for years and he would do the ususal griping about "the budget". I still don't work, our kids are grown and he has been very successful in his career, we are at a place where we now have plenty of money. Out of respect, if I am wanting to make a big purchase I will run it by him first. Last year I text him I was going to try a Caldwell saddle and if I bought one it would be in the $4500 range and asked if that was OK. He response was "if it makes you happy"- that made me happy :) There are guys like that out there. I try to show mine everyday what he means to me.
Edited by rodeomom3 2015-04-21 12:14 PM
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 696
| rodeomom3 - 2015-04-22 8:54 AM
wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 10:23 AM Yeah and we recently had a discussion about marriage in which he ranted "its not going to be your way!" and informed me that my dad would be GIVING me to him, to be his, and that I should be willing to give up everything to start a life with him, including my friends. Thanks but no thanks ahole Wow, glad you got out before investing more time and emotion in him - he is way off base. I hit the jackpot with my husband, we have been married 27 years and are still nuts about each other. We were broke for years and he would do the ususal griping about "the budget". I still don't work, our kids are grown and he has been very successful in his career, we are at a place where we now have plenty of money. Out of respect, if I am wanting to make a big purchase I will run it by him first. Last year I text him I was going to try a Caldwell saddle and if I bought one it would be in the $4500 range and asked if that was OK. He response was "if it makes you happy"- that made me happy :) There are guys like that out there. I try to show mine everyday what he means to me.
Can you clone him?? i'll be your bestest friend forever!! lol. but really, that's awesome! | |
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