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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 512
| First, Happy Mother's Day!
I just enjoyed my first mother's day as a mom. I have a almost 5 month old son that I love dearly! I am looking for some advice from mom's and barrel racing.
It has been well over 5 years since I seriously competed and had a barrel horse. My husband and I have been married since Jan of 2012 and he has never experienced me in "barrel racing mode." I barrel raced since I was 9 years old and competed seriously for many years. Before we got married I tried to fill him in on my passion and tell him that I would love to compete one day again. After my son was born, I started to get the barrel racing bug again. We started to seriously look for a horse. After trying a few horses and finding one I really liked. I started feeling guilty. My husband made it very clear that he thought it was only appropriate to barrel racing maybe.. MAYBE once monthly.
Now we are a God-loving family and my husband has a great heart-but he does not see barrel racing as a necessity nor something that should be done frequently. More of a once in a great while hobby.
Finding time to ride seems like it may become a issue. We do not have a arena and except our driveway our land is very hilly and steep. My husband isn't crazy about me having to ride every other day to keep a horse in shape. Like I said, my husband was just raised differently and his family did not believe in any hobbies that took significant time or money. I, however come from a very hobby oriented family-horse racing, deer hunting, stock car racing.
Now I believe in a healthy balance.. a few times a month seems reasonable to me? I guess I am rambling.
So my questions is.. as a family that is devoted to Christ first-very rooted in our church and me striving to be the mom God has call me to be.. what do you see as reasonable?
How do you balance family and horses? My husband is great but isn't as supportive as I would have hoped he would be. I have tried numerous times to talk about this issue and have him see my heart but it repeatedly ends in a huge argument. Him telling me my heart isn't right and I am obsessing about horses. I don't feel I should have to apologize for a love I have had FAR longer than our marriage and relationship. Should I feel guilty for wanting to get a horse and compete again?
All the thoughts that run through your mind? What if I get hurt? Am I being a bad mom by wanting to barrel race? Is it wrong to take time away from "family time" to barrel race?
Any thoughts, advice, encouragement appreciated. Thank you!
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 Jr. Detective
    
Location: Beggs, OK | You need an objective outside party... counseling is my recommendation. This is not an issue that you can sort out on your own without resentment from one or both of you. I'm sorry that you're going through this...been there and it's NO fun. What you are asking for is not unrealistic or selfish...do not let anyone make you feel guilty. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 512
| rachellyn80 - 2015-05-12 10:13 AM
You need an objective outside party... counseling is my recommendation. Â This is not an issue that you can sort out on your own without resentment from one or both of you. Â I'm sorry that you're going through this...been there and it's NO fun. Â What you are asking for is not unrealistic or selfish...do not let anyone make you feel guilty.Â
Thank you!
What if he isn't open to counseling? And if he is open to it-I am sure he would want our pastor to do it and he has the exact same mentality. Again, not bad... just a different way they were raised. |
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 Veteran
Posts: 212
| Do you make enough to largely finance the barrel racing on your own? I guess if money is not an issue, I am confused on why he cares so much. Does he think it will be taking away time from the son? Do you work or stay home with him? Are you asking your husband to go with you and that's why he says once a month, or you just want to go and are not forcing him to come? That is a very tough situation.. When I first started my parents said 1 a month and all this and were against it...next thing I know theyre buying the big trailer and asking if theres a show this weekend... Ha.. So if he hasn't experienced you showing yet maybe he will get the bug but if he has and still feels this way... that's tough :(.. Do you already have a truck and trailer and facility built? Did you already buy a horse or just found one you liked. |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| rachellyn80 - 2015-05-12 10:13 AM
You need an objective outside party... counseling is my recommendation. Â This is not an issue that you can sort out on your own without resentment from one or both of you. Â I'm sorry that you're going through this...been there and it's NO fun. Â What you are asking for is not unrealistic or selfish...do not let anyone make you feel guilty.Â
I agree with Rachellyn80. Just explain to your husband that you would like to go to a non-biased professional counselor. I am sure you could find one that is Christian based, if that would make him more comfortable. |
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Jr. Detective
Location: Beggs, OK | Then you have to start plotting... Go above and beyond with everything else in your lives. Look at doing everything that he expects as a savings account for what you want. Do it happily and pleasantly and then make plans so that it's no inconvenience for him when you need to ride your horse. When your baby gets older it gets easier, I promise. I used to set up a playpen in the back of my truck in the pasture, lope circles around it, and work my horse close by so that I could keep an eye on the baby too.
I know it's the cheesiest thing ever, but buy the book The Love Dare. Even if you don't follow it step by step it will open your mind to how to interract with him. It's also Christian based, so you may have some luck in getting him to cooperate. It's hard for him to learn that he doesn't really know "you" and what you want...I'm sure the whole situation has him very insecure. You have a new baby and now you're wanting to run off into this whole other lifestyle that he's not familiar with...and it's expensive! |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | The secret to preventing husbands from resenting horses is really simple: lots of sex.
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| I am sorry you are going through this.
I don't believe you issues are with motherhood
I believe you are in a controlling, possibly an abusive relationship. Abuse can be emotional, financial, mental, physical, and neglect.
I suggest marriage counselling by a liscensed professional not a pastor
I also suggest getting your own bank account if you don't already have one and start putting money in there just incase his behaviour escalates and you need to leave.
There are many successful barrel racers who are also mothers, good luck |
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Jr. Detective
Location: Beggs, OK | She said it better! lol But, here's one of my favorite quotes- Zig Ziglar
"You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want."
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 512
| alp341 - 2015-05-12 10:24 AM
Do you make enough to largely finance the barrel racing on your own? I guess if money is not an issue, I am confused on why he cares so much. Does he think it will be taking away time from the son? Do you work or stay home with him? Are you asking your husband to go with you and that's why he says once a month, or you just want to go and are not forcing him to come? That is a very tough situation.. When I first started my parentsink said 1 a month and all this and were against it...next thing I know theyre buying the big trailer and asking if theres a show this weekend... Ha.. So if he hasn't experienced you showing yet maybe he will get the bug but if he has and still feels this way... that's tough :(.. Do you already have a truck and trailer and facility built? Did you already buy a horse or just found one you liked.
Financially we are stable-we own our truck and trailer, both of which I paid for by myself before we got married. We currently own two horses-which I also paid for. Just trail horses. My husband likes to ride once in awhile and feeds the horses every morning. He just doesn't see going to a barrel race every other weekend as a healthy lifestyle. We own our farm also.
I work 2 days a week and stay home the rest of the week with my son (which I LOVE). I own a couple farms out of state that we receive income off of so I still contribute to the budget along with my wage I make from working 2 days a week. I would prefer if my husband would come with OR stay home with our little man. He just says he has too much to do on the weekends, but wants me around to care for our little man.
The issue comes down to his viewpoint of barrel racing and how much of a priority it should take in a persons life. We have not bought a horse. I was just looking for one and had found one I liked-but started to question whether he would be supportive of me even taking the time to condition the horse and barrel race in general. I didn't want to spend the money buying a horse I was never going to get to use.
He does think barrel racing would take precious time away from our son and our family time together. I do feel slightly resentful and I feel my fire for barrel racing is being smothered. |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 512
| Thank you so much everyone! |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 512
| rachellyn80 - 2015-05-12 10:27 AM
Then you have to start plotting... Â Go above and beyond with everything else in your lives. Â Look at doing everything that he expects as a savings account for what you want. Â Do it happily and pleasantly and then make plans so that it's no inconvenience for him when you need to ride your horse. Â When your baby gets older it gets easier, I promise. I used to set up a playpen in the back of my truck in the pasture, lope circles around it, and work my horse close by so that I could keep an eye on the baby too.
I know it's the cheesiest thing ever, but buy the book The Love Dare. Even if you don't follow it step by step it will open your mind to how to interract with him. Â It's also Christian based, so you may have some luck in getting him to cooperate. Â Â It's hard for him to learn that he doesn't really know "you" and what you want...I'm sure the whole situation has him very insecure. Â You have a new baby and now you're wanting to run off into this whole other lifestyle that he's not familiar with...and it's expensive!Â
Great advice! |
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 Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
Location: Texas | Baby steps and compromise. He seems open to getting a new horse and you going once a month. That's getting to go. It may not be as much as you like, but it's getting back into it and allowing yourself to build up your confidence.
His concerns may be the time away from family (i.e. him). There is the possibility that by going once a month, he can see the joy it brings as well as it NOT taking away from family time.
Otherwise - I agree with what previous posters have said. |
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 Veteran
Posts: 242
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Made my day at work! Thank you for making me "LAUGH OUT LOUD!"  |
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Veteran
Posts: 212
| you could always ride while hes at work... hehe.. or maybe set it up to where the baby is sleeping and your husband is home when you condition... such as early in the AM.. or lunge the horse with the baby in one of those things you strap across you.. Plus as the baby gets older it probably wouldn't be as big of a deal... I think you should go for it if it makes you happy and you can afford it, and it sounds like you can.. Maybe just don't discuss the horses or racing all the time and make sure to be 100% in everything else too and hopefully he will see its not such a horrible "obsession"... good luck :) |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 512
| alp341 - 2015-05-12 1:59 PM
you could always ride while hes at work... hehe.. or maybe set it up to where the baby is sleeping and your husband is home when you condition... such as early in the AM.. or lunge the horse with the baby in one of those things you strap across you.. Plus as the baby gets older it probably wouldn't be as big of a deal... I think you should go for it if it makes you happy and you can afford it, and it sounds like you can.. Maybe just don't discuss the horses or racing all the time and make sure to be 100% in everything else too and hopefully he will see its not such a horrible "obsession"... good luck :)
Thank you!! |
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The Resident Destroyer of Liberal Logic
Location: PNW | I have two little guys (2.5 years & 9 mos). My husband is supportive of my horses but by no means does he "get it." My tricks to getting horse stuff done are:
1. I get up WAY before everybody else to ride most of the time - then come in to make breakfast, get everybody up for the day.
2. I put the little guy in the pack carrier and my toddler in front of me on the four wheeler and use the four wheeler to lead the horses through the pasture for conditioning on days when I can't ride.
3. I keep a playpen in the tackroom of my trailer, on nice days I put it out by the side of the arena and they can play and watch me, on crummy days I leave it in the tackroom and they can still play and watch but be out of the weather.
4. For races, I always arrange for a babysitter to travel with me. It varies between a grandparent or an actual babysitter.
My husband is super busy running our two businesses so I try to get my hobby done without encroaching on his time for things that HAVE to get done. When he can come to races, he does - but I don't rely on it. I go about my horse hobby as if I was a single mom basically. |
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Expert
Posts: 1207
| Wait a minute...you said "He just says he has too much to do on the weekends, but wants me around to care for our little man." What about him caring for his little man also. I'm confused. It should be a give and take. JMO. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 512
| svincent - 2015-05-12 2:51 PM
I have two little guys (2.5 years & 9 mos). My husband is supportive of my horses but by no means does he "get it." My tricks to getting horse stuff done are:
1. I get up WAY before everybody else to ride most of the time - then come in to make breakfast, get everybody up for the day.
2. I put the little guy in the pack carrier and my toddler in front of me on the four wheeler and use the four wheeler to lead the horses through the pasture for conditioning on days when I can't ride.
3. I keep a playpen in the tackroom of my trailer, on nice days I put it out by the side of the arena and they can play and watch me, on crummy days I leave it in the tackroom and they can still play and watch but be out of the weather.
4. For races, I always arrange for a babysitter to travel with me. It varies between a grandparent or an actual babysitter.
My husband is super busy running our two businesses so I try to get my hobby done without encroaching on his time for things that HAVE to get done. When he can come to races, he does - but I don't rely on it. I go about my horse hobby as if I was a single mom basically.
These are great suggestions!
Sandok-He does really have a sincere heart, but on the weekends he claims he has tons of farm stuff to do and I need to be around to watch our little man while daddy works. Trust me I love spending time with our son-but some mommy time is appreciated too!
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