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 Veteran
Posts: 262
 
| My husband wants me to sell my Barrel Horse or stop Barrel racing. I have 2 toddlers and I work from home. They go to daycare during the day and I use my lunch hour to ride my horse. I compete at most one day out of the weekend and usually it's 2-3 Sundays a month. He says this keeps me from being a good mother and wife. I am the primary caregiver of our kids. They go everywhere with me except for doubleheaders and those times they are with my mom other family member. He doesn't care for the kids if I'm not there. I had Horses when we met and have competeted off and on and at one point before kids. I gave up Horses for 3 years so we could put money into the house and build a barn. Now he says everything's changed. I need to grow up and get my head out of the clouds. We argue about this constantly. The arguements get nasty. Nothing physical. We've tried and given up on marriage counseling. I love him but I'm apprehensive when he and I are in the same room. I don't know what to do. Any advice? |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
 
| Sounds like he is emotionally abusive and controlling, read up on all the signs of domestic abuse.
Hugs |
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  Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
 
Location: Florida.. | tell him no and just walk away . dont argue.. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| Does he have a hobby or something that he's passionate about? If not, he should get one because everyone should in my opinion and if so, you'd think he'd understand some.. Having a family is busy busy busy but that doesn't mean you have to completely give up doing things for you. I'm not married and haven't been but prayers and hugs for you  |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 669
Location: Central Texas | Canchsr5 - 2015-06-25 9:21 AM
My husband wants me to sell my Barrel Horse or stop Barrel racing. I have 2 toddlers and I work from home. They go to daycare during the day and I use my lunch hour to ride my horse. I compete at most one day out of the weekend and usually it's 2-3 Sundays a month. He says this keeps me from being a good mother and wife. I am the primary caregiver of our kids. They go everywhere with me except for doubleheaders and those times they are with my mom other family member. He doesn't care for the kids if I'm not there. I had Horses when we met and have competeted off and on and at one point before kids. I gave up Horses for 3 years so we could put money into the house and build a barn. Now he says everything's changed. I need to grow up and get my head out of the clouds. We argue about this constantly. The arguements get nasty. Nothing physical. We've tried and given up on marriage counseling. I love him but I'm apprehensive when he and I are in the same room. I don't know what to do. Any advice?
I am so sorry and forgive me for being brutally honest here. You know what you have to do and if you need validation for doing it, you got it. Hope it all works out happily for you and your children. |
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Member
Posts: 30
Location: Indiana | Don't let him bring you down. If you give up everything for him and what he wants, you will really start to dislike him. If you give up Barrel Racing, then he will probably find something elese that he wants you to give up. What have you ask him to give up? I don't know why spouses always want to change you, when they already knew that you liked something when they met you and dated you. I would like to know why it always has to be about Control! I have lived this!
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 Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | Bibliafarm - 2015-06-25 9:25 AM tell him no and just walk away . dont argue..
I agree with Bibs ^^^. Give him the facts, and don't engage in any argument. The end. If he gets loud and yells, just walk away. |
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 Expert
Posts: 2128
| The only reason you would need to limit doing something you LOVE is if it were straining your family finacially, or causing you to miss out on important things with your husband/kids. Other than that I would not stop. A husband should be supportive of your hobbies. It def sounds like you take care of your children. Why would he want to see you stop doing what makes you happy? Is he needing attention from you? Will he compromise? Maybe go to some races and hang out with you? You shouldnt have to quit. He shouldnt expect you to if he cares for your happiness. Wishing you all the best. |
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 Hog Tie My Mojo
Posts: 4847
Location: Opelousas, LA | Canchsr5 - 2015-06-25 9:21 AM My husband wants me to sell my Barrel Horse or stop Barrel racing. I have 2 toddlers and I work from home. They go to daycare during the day and I use my lunch hour to ride my horse. I compete at most one day out of the weekend and usually it's 2-3 Sundays a month. He says this keeps me from being a good mother and wife. I am the primary caregiver of our kids. They go everywhere with me except for doubleheaders and those times they are with my mom other family member. He doesn't care for the kids if I'm not there. I had Horses when we met and have competeted off and on and at one point before kids. I gave up Horses for 3 years so we could put money into the house and build a barn. Now he says everything's changed. I need to grow up and get my head out of the clouds. We argue about this constantly. The arguements get nasty. Nothing physical. We've tried and given up on marriage counseling. I love him but I'm apprehensive when he and I are in the same room. I don't know what to do. Any advice?
Those two things would be absolute deal beakers for me, JMHO. Say you give up your horse, it will be something else a few months later. It is not the horses he has a problem with, he is being a controlling jerk. I am sad for you, I don't know your situation but I know you deserve to be treated better and not be apprehensive about being in the same room with the man you should feel safe with.
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 Veteran
Posts: 138
Location: MS | I've never been in your situation so I can't say what I'd do for sure. BUT the statement "He doesn't care for the kids if I'm not there" would be enough for me to be gone. I agree that he sounds emotionally abusive and controlling. Also, you saying you are apprehensive when in the same room with him tells me you feel he could be physically abusive, he just hasn't gone there yet.
I have one toddler and ride/barrel race. I could never imagine my husband saying anything like that to me.
Prayers for you and your children. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1857
| Which can you live without more?
From what your post says, I personally would tell him to start kicking rocks! The biggest red flag is not that he wants you to stop barrel racing, but the fact that he doesn't take care of his own children, maybe monetarily but you made it sound like not emotionally at all!
To play devils advocate for a moment: Maybe he is threatened by the time you spend with the horses rather than him. He wants more of your attention. Men are big baby's, they need to be reassured often to feel like the are worthy. Are you giving your relationship as much attention as you are giving the horses and barrel racing? Do you keep the kids because you are afraid to ask him to, and he doesn't offer? Men are very poor at reading minds!
Edited by FlyingJT 2015-06-25 11:04 AM
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 Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | Holy insecurity issues.
Edited by Murphy 2015-06-25 9:45 AM
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| blccwgl55 - 2015-06-25 9:27 AM
Does he have a hobby or something that he's passionate about? If not, he should get one because everyone should in my opinion and if so, you'd think he'd understand some.. Having a family is busy busy busy but that doesn't mean you have to completely give up doing things for you. I'm not married and haven't been but prayers and hugs for you
I am married with 2 grown children and I could not agree more with the above! Everyone needs a hobby/passion for something. Don't let him take this away from you. Encourage him to develop a hobby. Sounds like he needs one. All the happy people I know have hobbies. My dad is 84 and LOVES hay season. He is happiest on his tractors. That is his hobby. My husband loves watching sports and his cows. I pray ya'll can work it out. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 929
| Wow. I am so sorry for you being in this situation. I also agree to not argue...just walk away. It does not sound as if he is a happy person, IMO- not caring for his own children and wanting to take your happiness away. Especially if he knew you did this before you got married and had kids. I hope that you come to some amicable resolution for both yourself and your children. |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Murphy - 2015-06-25 9:45 AM Holy insecurity issues.
Agree, as a mom of 4 kids all a year apart mind you, my husband kept them on weekends while I worked to help pay bills, he also did the laundry and had dinner on the table. We did not have horses back then, did not get into horses till the girls were older. I ride now, finances are great, last year I was at D&D, Caldwell saddles was there, sent him a text I wanted to try a saddle, would be around 5K if that was OK- his response- if it makes you happy and you like it buy it. You can do better, there are men out there like mine. If you are not putting financial strain on the family, I see no reason to give up what you love. Some of the best advice I got about parenting was do a litte something for yourself everyday- your something is horses.
Why in the heck does he not think he has to help with the children? My husband wanted to, he wanted to be hands on. Sounds like your husband wants a stepford wife and came to the marriage thinking that he was the soul decision maker. Why does he feel the need to control you and keep you in the house is the bigger question. I am sorry you are going through this, especially with the kids, I am sure it is so difficult to think about breaking up a family but it does not sound like it would be much different for you if he were living somewhere else. The issue is not about horses but his lack of support for you. |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | I think of it like this. Would you want your children to grow up and give up all they are and all they love to do to be slaves to spouse and kids? I don't know anyone who would answer yes to that question. Martyring oneself doesn't lead to happiness for anyone involved. Most girls I know willingly slow down on their hobbies to make time for their families, but to give it up completely? No way.
It sounds like there is a lot more going on here than your barrel racing a few times a month. |
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 Jr. Detective
Location: Beggs, OK | Three 4 Luck - 2015-06-25 10:10 AM I think of it like this. Would you want your children to grow up and give up all they are and all they love to do to be slaves to spouse and kids? I don't know anyone who would answer yes to that question. Martyring oneself doesn't lead to happiness for anyone involved. Most girls I know willingly slow down on their hobbies to make time for their families, but to give it up completely? No way.
It sounds like there is a lot more going on here than your barrel racing a few times a month.
Exactly. I HAD a husband like that, only worse. Eventually you figure out that it's not about horses or whether supper was ready when he wanted it or whether his laundry was done....it's all about CONTROL. He is unhappy and if you didn't have horses and had knitting as a hobby, he would tell you that yarn was too expensive.
You can't live with or love someone who doesn't love themselves or see the value in their own wife and children. I left because I couldn't stand the thought of my daughter thinking that this behavior was tolerable. |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 425
Location: California | Nobody tells me to give up my animals.... they were my first love & will be my last. I've had horses & such through loss, heartbreak, depression and the works. I would not trade it for the world. Honestly, if someone told me I ever had to give up any of my animals (which I don't have kids so they are my kids), I would give that person an ultimatum. I don't need that kind of person. To me, there's no "me or the horse" its just, "or the horse"
I understand you have started a family with this person, but remember WHO YOU ARE. & don't let ANYONE ever take that away from you. You already gave up the horses for 3 years... why should you have to continue doing that? & you can't force someone to change. He may be like this for the rest of his life. Sorry if I am coming off rude. My animals are my kids. |
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 Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | Hugs lady.....that's not fair. My husband was never around horses prior to meeting me. He is now my farrier..... |
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Location: NE Texas | Life is too short to not pursue your passion. If this IS your passion, which is seems to be, a good partner would be supportive and try to find every possible way to encourage you (build you up). Doesn't sound like he's a good partner if he's not helping "care for the kids when you're not around". You can't change the spots on a spotted donkey...... I would be having a very serious conversation w/out it being heated...remain calm and try your best to not engage if it starts getting ugly. I'm not saying to leave him, but there has to be some common ground. Good luck! |
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