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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1034
 
| I have a good marriage. We love eachother and we get along great - except when it comes to me racing.
I was horseless when we met but he knew it was a goal for me to get back into racing (I took an extended college and baby break). He grew up on a ranch and we agreed it was a mutual goal to give that lifestyle to our kids.
I earn 100k/yr+ so it is not a huge drain on us. We combine incomes for about double what I make. My horses average 5% of every monthly budget, and that amount was recently cut in half in order to keep him happy. I have one horse I race, one for the big kids, and a pony. I was going 2x a month and cut it down to one.
When I scheduled one overnight barrel race for the end of this month after taking one lesson, he said I'm 'like a freaking drug addict'.
I'm not looking for 'leave that loser' advice. We have four kids and he's a great husband. I just don't know how to get him to see how little I do comparatively and that I will never be competitive with this schedule, and that my one race a month is not going to put us in the poor house. Anyone who has brought a resentful partner around, please share your wisdom!
ETA: obviously there's more than just what's here. But he also has never gone to a race with me. He prefers to stay home with the kids. He went once when I took the kids to a ranch rodeo. He doesn't care to hear any details or results and I hate not sharing my passion with him.
Edited by HorseMommyFiveO 2015-09-20 12:54 PM
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 Horsey Gene Carrier
Posts: 1888
 
Location: LaBelle, Florida | Sounds like he needs to be reminded of the Golden Rule! If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!
Does he have hobbies he does? You need to sit him down and explain to him that this is for you because it makes you a happy person and therefore a better wife & mother. |
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Umm, everyday. But you know what? He feeds, he hauls, he goes with me. He picks up feed. He covers hay bills. He picks up the occasional vet bill. He videos, he unsaddles. He unwraps. He cleans stalls. He turns horses out. It's not always that he does these things, but he helps me whenever I ask him. Sometimes when I don't ask. Sometimes when I demand it. He *****es, he moans, he whines. But you know what? On every video he takes, I can hear him coaching me and rooting for me the whole way. I hear him bragging about my horses, I hear him bragging about me. Sometimes he puts a foot in my, "Kill me now, I suck at this." attitude and tells me to get back to working it out.
I cheerlead for him too. I go on his Harley that freaking terrifies me. Because he loves it when I do. And he loves his motorcycle. I buy him guns to encourage him in his Elmer Fud adventures. I help pay for his kids. I try to be a great stepmom that makes the kids feels accepted and loved, while minding my own business. I am there when he's fighting bulls, I skip barrel races to make sure I'm there, because his events are more sporadic than mine. I make sure I'm his biggest fan, and that he knows it.
I never ever ask him to do something I wouldn't do for him, and he's a big enough person to do the same for me.
Your hubby's asking you to change who you are and who you want to be for his comfort is wrong. If you haven't asked him to change who he is, it's especially wrong he ask it of you. The balance is all off, and I would be doing some major, "Let's sit down with alcohol and sort this shtt out before we lose it" type communication meetings. The communication needs to be blown wide open and sort it out.
Make sure you're not standing in a glass house, and not being supportive of his life. If you've got glass walls, tell him you're wrong, and that he's wrong too, and that you both need to change. If it's not you, like you can say it to yourself in the mirror that this isn't partially on you, then it's time to throw down and get your rights established. If it's partially you, then make sure he knows that you accept that, and give your best effort to change, and make sure he knows he's got to change too and hold him to it.
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1034
| ^^ I like your style.
Yes he does have his own hobbies. Fishing, scuba diving, hunting, kayaking, wood working... He's not as singularly passionate about anything as I am about my racing. We are both senior cops in the same department, which is a passion of its own. And part of surviving this career is having some purpose and identity apart from being a cop.
I don't go hunting or fishing or wood working with him, it's his thing and he's never invited me. He's going on a three week out of state trip next month and I never batted an eye about having the kids solo or the expense. He only goes once a year for that long. he prefers to buy his own guns or I would totally get him one. Not once have I ever complained about his hobbies or the money he spends, which is less than my horses of course. We are both super supportive of eachother's career, which can be all-consuming. We are both really committed to excellence at work so we are both gone a lot for extra training. His ex wife did not tolerate his career or his hunting and they didn't even have kids so I know he knows it could be waaaay worse Lol!! |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1034
| He does help me when I ask, he just draws the line at going. He just brushed 6 acres for my pasture and agreed to my new trailer purchase. He feeds and waters, and he will unhook the trailer when I get home. He watches the kids when I go and his mom can't watch them. He even drove 6 hours to pick up my mare this summer after she foaled and only *****ed minimally over the cost of breeding and foaling and raising an orphan. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1552
Location: PA | I had horses when we met. My response when he started getting moody was "I had horses before I had you" and then he changed his tune a bit, lol...................Can I ask why you don't take your kids w/you?
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| HorseMommyFiveO - 2015-09-20 1:46 PM
He does help me when I ask, he just draws the line at going. He just brushed 6 acres for my pasture and agreed to my new trailer purchase. He feeds and waters, and he will unhook the trailer when I get home. He watches the kids when I go and his mom can't watch them. He even drove 6 hours to pick up my mare this summer after she foaled and only *****ed minimally over the cost of breeding and foaling and raising an orphan.
It sounds to me like something else maybe going on with him and it is just manifesting in your barrel racing. He sounds like a great man otherwise. Would he consider going to counciling? It maybe that something is bothering him and he isn't even sure what it is. Prayers you get this figured out. |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| Controlling me can be good husbands, but not allowing you or guilting you into not barrel racing is a form of abuse. He is chipping away at your self esteem, and if you don't act on it before you know it you won't be doing anything without his approval.
I know you don't want to hear this, but please take a hard look at his behaviour, and your response to his behaviour.
I would also suggest seeking counselling for you. Have a professional evaluate you, and work with you. Then I would suggest couples counselling
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1034
| BRLRCR1 - 2015-09-20 1:58 PM
I had horses when we met. My response when he started getting moody was "I had horses before I had you" and then he changed his tune a bit, lol...................Can I ask why you don't take your kids w/you?
Because I have too many lol! The oldest is grown and gone, the 11 year old can go with me and ride. The 5 year old is... Well... A five year old boy with potatoes in his ears and no sense of fear. Then the baby just turned one. It's more than I can wrangle and add in that my horse came with a gate issue and needs hand walked and jogged away from the warm up area...
I have brought up counseling before. He was willing and got real supportive for a few weeks so I forgot about scheduling. I guess we are back to that. |
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Meanest Teacher!!!
Posts: 8555
Location: sunny california | maybe hire someone to help you at the race so you can bring the kids so he can do one of his hobbies some of the time. It doesn't have to be every race |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| What does he say when you ask him why he doesn't like you to barrel race? |
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 Chasin my Dream
Posts: 13651
Location: Alberta | So do you and him have outing together that don't involve horse/kids/kids related activity?
While I am all for spouses having a balance of their own hobbies and being FULLY supportive I also know men do enjoy feeling appreciated and having time alone with their spouse. I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like but that's my 2 cents.
Edited by dream_chaser 2015-09-20 4:49 PM
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1034
| He says it's self centered behavior and has no benefit to our family and he worries that I'll spend too much and put us in a bad position.
I meant to post this in reply to rodeomom
Edited by HorseMommyFiveO 2015-09-20 5:32 PM
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1034
| dream_chaser - 2015-09-20 4:30 PM
So do you and him have outing together that don't involve horse/kids/kids related activity?
While I am all for spouses having a balance of their own hobbies and being FULLY supportive I also know men do enjoy feeling appreciated and having time alone with their spouse. I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like but that's my 2 cents.
Oh gosh I wish! We haven't had a meal without kids for over a year. His mom shares a property line with us and watches the kids while we work. He doesn't want to overburden her and ask for a date night. Even when I do, he finds a reason to veto. We just took a week off work for the soul purpose of spending time together and we didn't get away at all - even for lunch.
eta: I'm the one who always asks for time alone together. I think he is too worried about the kids and imposing on his mom. My family is 2+ hours away.
Edited by HorseMommyFiveO 2015-09-20 5:32 PM
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| HorseMommyFiveO - 2015-09-20 5:28 PM
He says it's self centered behavior and has no benefit to our family and he worries that I'll spend too much and put us in a bad position.
I meant to post this in reply to rodeomom
Self centered and no benefit to your family.
Wow
So he is saying your feelings, your sanity doesn't matter, and you are not part of the family?
The more you say, the more I worry about you. |
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Location: East of the Pecos | Hire a nanny to go with you to take care of the kids and if there's something you want to enter, just do it. You are an adult and you don't need his permission, just like he doesn't need yours to hunt or fish. Let him cry, he'll get over it. Don't let him engage you in an argument about it, just do it and tell him it's going to part of your lifestyle from now on and you are a responsible person that contributes your share financially and he should trust you to not go crazy spending on the horses. Meant to say to tell him you weren't asking for permission, but asking for support of your hobby. If he won't give it, go anyway, I doubt he asks permission from you to do his hobbies. Dont live to an old age to look back and have regrets, you earn a good living so enjoy some of it, you deserve it. I sense a fear of of something in you.
Edited by Bug Is Alive 2015-09-20 8:27 PM
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Veteran
Posts: 127
Location: Kansas | Been there my husband hates it and it constantly causes fights |
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Veteran
Posts: 102
| I have a husband who is the same way.I am old and in the beginning my husband was very supportive and I don't have a job because when we were younger he said I didn't need to work out in the public he just wanted to stay at home and be a housewife and a mother.Well let me tell you if I had the time to have a do over I would never be taken in with those lies because he basically owns me.He throws my one 15 year old horse that I have not hauled anywhere in 10 yrs.in my face because again he makes the paycheck.So my advice to you is don't let anyone control your barrel racing. |
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 Tried and True
Posts: 21185
Location: Where I am happiest | You first and foremost have got to find a good babysitter. Thats number one!!!
#2) You need to have a date night at least every 3 weeks. AT LEAST. No excuses, dont let anything, and I mean anything get in the way of this alone time together. This is the first half of why you need to find a good baby sitter. I also agree with him that it isnt fair to ask his mom to have the kids ALL the time. I gaurantee you, someone in the dept either knows someone, or has a responsable young adult daughter.
#3, you deserve 2 weekends a month for time with your horse to go racing. If he's worried about spending to much money on it, open a seperate account for your horses. Feed, total care, and your racing comes out of that account. Money you win racing goes into that account. The second part of the babysitter, is if you have to, take the babysitter to ONE of your 2 weekends racing and pay her out of your horse account for the race.
You can work this out, but you have to balance it all out and get the you and hubby time in there without fail. You have to think of your husband and marriage as a garden, and no garden can grow and live without water and care. Time spent just the 2 of you, is watering and weeding that garden. Your time spent with your horses and racing, is your fertalizer so the garden can keep growing. We all need our "Me time". His me time is his hunting and fishing. Yours is your horses and racing. You dont take his time away or try to guilt him out of it, and he shouldnt do that to you.
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | ThreeCorners - 2015-09-20 10:33 PM
You first and foremost have got to find a good babysitter. Thats number one!!!
#2) You need to have a date night at least every 3 weeks. AT LEAST. No excuses, dont let anything, and I mean anything get in the way of this alone time together. This is the first half of why you need to find a good baby sitter. I also agree with him that it isnt fair to ask his mom to have the kids ALL the time. I gaurantee you, someone in the dept either knows someone, or has a responsable young adult daughter.
#3, you deserve 2 weekends a month for time with your horse to go racing. If he's worried about spending to much money on it, open a seperate account for your horses. Feed, total care, and your racing comes out of that account. Money you win racing goes into that account. The second part of the babysitter, is if you have to, take the babysitter to ONE of your 2 weekends racing and pay her out of your horse account for the race.
You can work this out, but you have to balance it all out and get the you and hubby time in there without fail. You have to think of your husband and marriage as a garden, and no garden can grow and live without water and care. Time spent just the 2 of you, is watering and weeding that garden. Your time spent with your horses and racing, is your fertalizer so the garden can keep growing. We all need our "Me time". His me time is his hunting and fishing. Yours is your horses and racing. You dont take his time away or try to guilt him out of it, and he shouldnt do that to you.
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