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boon
Posts: 4
| I created a new account as to not give my identity away because I have a personal question and am seeking advice. Here's my deal:
I am divorced with three children. I have been with my significant other for six years. At the beginning of our relationship he stated he never had wanted to be married, that he thought maybe it was just because he hadn't found "the one". I didn't think much of it because he never really had many long term relationships. It is not something we really discussed a whole lot, as he isn't a good communicator. Well, last year during an argument I finally asked him if he wanted to marry me and he said no. He said if I hadn't been married before or had children, we would have done it together by now, but I've already had that. He also said marriage is stupid, that it's just a piece of paper anyway and there's no way he'd spend money on a ring. He doesn't really value it, he says he is fully committed to me now anyway so what's the point? It matters to me. To me it says that I'm not "the one".
Our relationship in general is excellent other than this issue- he treats the kids as his own, is amazing to me, more than supportive of the horses, etc. He has taught me what it is like to truly be treated well. He is a great man to our family. The problem is that since the whole argument about it, I'm resentful, angry and hurt about it. I don't treat him the same. It's not like I'm going to leave him, my life is great and I love him. Nor will I be that whiney girlfriend begging for someone to want to marry me. You either want me or you don't. So I've developed that attitude-- I now feel the need to look out for myself, have become less of a team with him, and do not treat him like he deserves. I'm angry and bitter all the time and I push him away. He feels like he walks on eggshells.
So he tells me this, but then makes comments about having a baby, we plan on buying a house, etc. So last night the issue of marriage came up again. He asked why would he want to when I treat him like that? I get the point. But he's ruined it for me anyway, and I'm sure I've done the same to him. We are in a vicious cycle. I don't know how to stop being hurt and angry. Most of the time I'm so very thankful for him but then I get in these episodes where I just can't let it go, it's not what I want or who I am. I know he's not happy with me right now either, and I asked him why he is with me. He said because he loves me and he's made the commitment to me.
How do I stop being angry and such a mess. I'm mad for him not asking way before now, and now I'm mad and don't want him to ask. The poor guy loses either way. I would be devastated without him, so I need to stop pushing him away.
Thoughts please...am I just crazy or are my feelings valid? I feel like my feelings are valid and he makes me crazy! lol
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
  
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | I agree with your so....imo your making a mountain out of a mole hill.....m | |
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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| I'd rather have a loving committed relationship without a ring than a horrible abusive relationship with one. He sounds like a good man with a strong backbone. If I were you, I'd let it go, if you don't, I'll bet the farm you'll regret pushing the issue.
Be happy. It's a choice. xoxo hugs. | |
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 Bulls Eye
Posts: 6443
Location: Oklahoma | I'm not good at verbally communicating with my husband and we had the same issue. I wrote it down in a letter what my feelings were and I gave it to him. We dated 4 years before we got married and our relationship was how you are describing yours. We have now been married 2 1/2 years. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1210
Location: Kansas | I completely understand why you are upset. If my S.O. told me that he didn't want to marry me, I would definitely take that to heart. I would suggest that you two try talking to a therapist (I know... most guys will say heck no to this, but maybe just ask him for a few sessions and if he doesn't like it, you can stop going). It would be great if you could talk to the therapist at one session, then your boyfriend, and then as a couple. A therapist is good mediator for both parties to get their point across in a respectable fashion without arguing. Then possibly hearing from another person as to why marriage is such an important thing for you will open his eyes. I wish you the best! | |
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 You get what you give
Posts: 13030
Location: Texas | Idk what to make of it. He seems like he has said since day 1 that he doesn't want to be married. Did he grow up with dysfunctional parents? One of my cousins has long term relationships but is gun shy of getting married too for the same reasons your SO is... she grew up with her mom who married and divorced three times and every marriage was a disaster, most likely her mom's fault because of her mom's substance abuse.. Her other sisters all got married and don't really have any issues with it but she sure doesn't want to get married. | |
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 Jr. Detective
Location: Beggs, OK | Get a good counselor. I was never the type of person who would recommend this....until I started seeing a counselor that we use as a family life coach. He has been so instrumental in helping us deal with issues with our families, jobs, and life in general. He gives us tools to cope with and work through situations that arise...without hurting anyones feelings. I'm amazed when I find myself able to work through a converstation that normally would have been volatile and ended with no resolution...it makes me smile and think, Larry was right! lol
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boon
Posts: 4
| He comes from a large, good family who are all very close. There is no dysfunction anywhere, they are good people with strong family values-- although their communication is BRUTAL. Since I was previously married and had kids, I was not welcomed with open arms at first. It was especially difficult for his siblings to see him settle and be really into someone. He was more of a player-type guy before. This caused some hard feelings, but it's fine now.
I don't think he's ever wanted marriage before me, but he does now. I just think he's conflicted because of all of the mixed messages. He doesn't understand how I have value in it, since it didn't work out the first time around for me. The only other thing he says is that it is not a bigger level of commitment because he says if you look around, people cheat all the time, etc in marriages. We do look around and feel like we've got it really good, our relationship is great and strong....which is why I don't understand the whole thing.
I have a bubbly personality that he keeps a lid on, and he is more quiet and reserved. I am a good communicator. Probably too good, because every thought I've had on it, he knows. It comes out best just as he's about to fall asleep lol It's funny but it's not. It makes him sooo mad at me but I just cannot help myself.
I don't know how it will ever be the same. Whether he does or doesn't, this has cast a huge dark cloud. I will try counseling on my own first. The last time I went to counseling I decided to leave my husband, who would have done anything to stay married to me. I know these faults are my own. I'm strong willed and stubborn and hold a grudge. I'm my own worst enemy...who does come from a divorced family. | |
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  That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
| In my opinion the choice to not get married if you are in a long term relationship is no more than an exit strategy if things go south. After all why buy the cow if can get the milk for free. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | My SO was married before. In my mind it scares me to think about marrying him. Why? Because it was so easy for him to leave his first wife. He even had two kids with her. No, she didn't treat him right and we have a very great relationship. But in my mind, I don't need a legal document saying he's mine. Because He shows me he's mine in many different ways. I think a legal document would only complicate things.
Maybe your SO has the same thoughts? | |
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Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| cowgirldreamer3 - 2015-12-01 8:50 AM He comes from a large, good family who are all very close. There is no dysfunction anywhere, they are good people with strong family values-- although their communication is BRUTAL. Since I was previously married and had kids, I was not welcomed with open arms at first. It was especially difficult for his siblings to see him settle and be really into someone. He was more of a player-type guy before. This caused some hard feelings, but it's fine now. I don't think he's ever wanted marriage before me, but he does now. I just think he's conflicted because of all of the mixed messages. He doesn't understand how I have value in it, since it didn't work out the first time around for me. The only other thing he says is that it is not a bigger level of commitment because he says if you look around, people cheat all the time, etc in marriages. We do look around and feel like we've got it really good, our relationship is great and strong....which is why I don't understand the whole thing. I have a bubbly personality that he keeps a lid on, and he is more quiet and reserved. I am a good communicator. Probably too good, because every thought I've had on it, he knows. It comes out best just as he's about to fall asleep lol It's funny but it's not. It makes him sooo mad at me but I just cannot help myself. I don't know how it will ever be the same. Whether he does or doesn't, this has cast a huge dark cloud. I will try counseling on my own first. The last time I went to counseling I decided to leave my husband, who would have done anything to stay married to me. I know these faults are my own. I'm strong willed and stubborn and hold a grudge. I'm my own worst enemy...who does come from a divorced family.
Oh I know you...I see you everytime I look into the mirror. You say you bring this up while he tries to go to sleep? Yep, because it stewed in your mind all day. You're an overthinker. So am I. You also said your ex would have done anything to stay married but you chose to leave even though you share children? Aha. Well, sounds like new guy here thinks about those things too and maybe doesn't trust you. You go on to say that he treats your children wonderfully but if he doesn't put a ring on it, you're willing to rip those kids from someone else? That's not fair to the kids. You really have to consider them and their feelings. How many men are going to take in another man's children and be kind to them? How many times can a child be expected to open their hearts to a stranger?
So much for you to consider. | |
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boon
Posts: 4
| RidenFly - 2015-11-30 11:06 AM
cowgirldreamer3 - 2015-12-01 8:50 AM He comes from a large, good family who are all very close. There is no dysfunction anywhere, they are good people with strong family values-- although their communication is BRUTAL. Since I was previously married and had kids, I was not welcomed with open arms at first. It was especially difficult for his siblings to see him settle and be really into someone. He was more of a player-type guy before. This caused some hard feelings, but it's fine now. I don't think he's ever wanted marriage before me, but he does now. I just think he's conflicted because of all of the mixed messages. He doesn't understand how I have value in it, since it didn't work out the first time around for me. The only other thing he says is that it is not a bigger level of commitment because he says if you look around, people cheat all the time, etc in marriages. We do look around and feel like we've got it really good, our relationship is great and strong....which is why I don't understand the whole thing. I have a bubbly personality that he keeps a lid on, and he is more quiet and reserved. I am a good communicator. Probably too good, because every thought I've had on it, he knows. It comes out best just as he's about to fall asleep lol It's funny but it's not. It makes him sooo mad at me but I just cannot help myself. I don't know how it will ever be the same. Whether he does or doesn't, this has cast a huge dark cloud. I will try counseling on my own first. The last time I went to counseling I decided to leave my husband, who would have done anything to stay married to me. I know these faults are my own. I'm strong willed and stubborn and hold a grudge. I'm my own worst enemy...who does come from a divorced family.
Oh I know you...I see you everytime I look into the mirror. You say you bring this up while he tries to go to sleep? Yep, because it stewed in your mind all day. You're an overthinker. So am I.  You also said your ex would have done anything to stay married but you chose to leave even though you share children? Aha. Well, sounds like new guy here thinks about those things too and maybe doesn't trust you.   You go on to say that he treats your children wonderfully but if he doesn't put a ring on it, you're willing to rip those kids from someone else?  That's not fair to the kids.  You really have to consider them and their feelings. How many men are going to take in another man's children and be kind to them? How many times can a child be expected to open their hearts to a stranger?  Â
So much for you to consider.  Â
I will not leave him, I love him very much and value our relationship. I also would never do that to my children or him. I just want to find a way to be happy and accept it as it is. I do over think, very much so. I don't blame him for not wanting to marry me--I just need to find a way to bring peace within myself with it. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 2097
Location: Deep South | I think this is such a personal thing. (like your title states) You have to decide what your convictions are. Everyone on this board can give you different advice because we all have different feelings about marriage.
Marriage matters to me. It matters to me a LOT.
I'm not by any means saying it's for everyone. But for me personally if a man wanted to spend his life with me but couldn't marry me it would be a deal breaker. I think I would feel exactly how you are feeling. Resentful, bitter, like the relationship is inadequate.
I love what marriage stands for, the sanctity of it all. It is SO MUCH MORE than a piece of paper to me and my husband. It is a promise between us and God.
I realize not everyone feels this way. That's fine. But I don't think you can just shove your feelings away, or talk them away or make them change. I think you feel this way because of your personal convictions. You deserve to find a man whose matches yours.
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 Underestimated Underdog
Posts: 3971
Location: Minnesota | I think it all comes down to what you want in a relationship. If marriage is what you need in a relationship and he said from the beginning he didn't want that then I would of left. No different if my SO said they didn't want kid and I did or any other major deal breakers like that. There should be certain things in a relationship that are just not negotiable. Marriage, kids, faith, whatever yours may be.
I learned this the hard way and I wish I would of stuck to my guns on things that meant something to mean instead of pushing those things aside for a seemingly "perfect" person. Telling yourself that you will be happy spending the rest of your life with this man not married to him if you truly know you wont is unfair to you and those kids and that man.
If you say you will never leave him and you are happy then stop the fights and attitude and resentful behavior and be happy and love this man, he seems to love you and your children very much from what you say.
Good luck!  | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 477
| Probably many won't agree with me, but I feel marriage is WAY more than a 'piece of paper and ring on my finger,' My husband committed his love and fidelity to me and I did the same, for better for worse, for richer or for poorer and through sickness and through health we will be there for one another and have been. Whether on facebook or on here or from friends and family, I see many similar situations like yours (OP) where one person in the relationship is either hurt or angry or not sure of something because of the lack of commitment of being married...(mind you, I said I read of or see many of, but NOT all people living together are this way). Without the vows and the 'piece of paper' there is always that easy 'out' if things don't work out down the road...Which I can't blame you for being bothered by. Its who you are, its what you want and you are not wrong at all for wanting it! Its your life and your decision. Make it a good one!
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 Neat Freak
Posts: 11216
Location: Wonderful Wyoming | cowgirldreamer3 - 2015-11-30 9:00 AM I created a new account as to not give my identity away because I have a personal question and am seeking advice. Here's my deal: I am divorced with three children. I have been with my significant other for six years. At the beginning of our relationship he stated he never had wanted to be married, that he thought maybe it was just because he hadn't found "the one". I didn't think much of it because he never really had many long term relationships. It is not something we really discussed a whole lot, as he isn't a good communicator. Well, last year during an argument I finally asked him if he wanted to marry me and he said no. He said if I hadn't been married before or had children, we would have done it together by now, but I've already had that. He also said marriage is stupid, that it's just a piece of paper anyway and there's no way he'd spend money on a ring. He doesn't really value it, he says he is fully committed to me now anyway so what's the point? It matters to me. To me it says that I'm not "the one". Our relationship in general is excellent other than this issue- he treats the kids as his own, is amazing to me, more than supportive of the horses, etc. He has taught me what it is like to truly be treated well. He is a great man to our family. The problem is that since the whole argument about it, I'm resentful, angry and hurt about it. I don't treat him the same. It's not like I'm going to leave him, my life is great and I love him. Nor will I be that whiney girlfriend begging for someone to want to marry me. You either want me or you don't. So I've developed that attitude-- I now feel the need to look out for myself, have become less of a team with him, and do not treat him like he deserves. I'm angry and bitter all the time and I push him away. He feels like he walks on eggshells. So he tells me this, but then makes comments about having a baby, we plan on buying a house, etc. So last night the issue of marriage came up again. He asked why would he want to when I treat him like that? I get the point. But he's ruined it for me anyway, and I'm sure I've done the same to him. We are in a vicious cycle. I don't know how to stop being hurt and angry. Most of the time I'm so very thankful for him but then I get in these episodes where I just can't let it go, it's not what I want or who I am. I know he's not happy with me right now either, and I asked him why he is with me. He said because he loves me and he's made the commitment to me. How do I stop being angry and such a mess. I'm mad for him not asking way before now, and now I'm mad and don't want him to ask. The poor guy loses either way. I would be devastated without him, so I need to stop pushing him away. Thoughts please...am I just crazy or are my feelings valid? I feel like my feelings are valid and he makes me crazy! lol
I don't know, but it would bug me too. If you want to be married and he wants a baby/house. I would personally want to be married before those things too. Hope you can figure it out together. Sounds like he is a good guy and you appreciate him for that. | |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| cowgirldreamer3 - 2015-11-30 11:12 AM
RidenFly - 2015-11-30 11:06 AM
cowgirldreamer3 - 2015-12-01 8:50 AM He comes from a large, good family who are all very close. There is no dysfunction anywhere, they are good people with strong family values-- although their communication is BRUTAL. Since I was previously married and had kids, I was not welcomed with open arms at first. It was especially difficult for his siblings to see him settle and be really into someone. He was more of a player-type guy before. This caused some hard feelings, but it's fine now. I don't think he's ever wanted marriage before me, but he does now. I just think he's conflicted because of all of the mixed messages. He doesn't understand how I have value in it, since it didn't work out the first time around for me. The only other thing he says is that it is not a bigger level of commitment because he says if you look around, people cheat all the time, etc in marriages. We do look around and feel like we've got it really good, our relationship is great and strong....which is why I don't understand the whole thing. I have a bubbly personality that he keeps a lid on, and he is more quiet and reserved. I am a good communicator. Probably too good, because every thought I've had on it, he knows. It comes out best just as he's about to fall asleep lol It's funny but it's not. It makes him sooo mad at me but I just cannot help myself. I don't know how it will ever be the same. Whether he does or doesn't, this has cast a huge dark cloud. I will try counseling on my own first. The last time I went to counseling I decided to leave my husband, who would have done anything to stay married to me. I know these faults are my own. I'm strong willed and stubborn and hold a grudge. I'm my own worst enemy...who does come from a divorced family.
Oh I know you...I see you everytime I look into the mirror. You say you bring this up while he tries to go to sleep? Yep, because it stewed in your mind all day. You're an overthinker. So am I.  You also said your ex would have done anything to stay married but you chose to leave even though you share children? Aha. Well, sounds like new guy here thinks about those things too and maybe doesn't trust you.   You go on to say that he treats your children wonderfully but if he doesn't put a ring on it, you're willing to rip those kids from someone else?  That's not fair to the kids.  You really have to consider them and their feelings. How many men are going to take in another man's children and be kind to them? How many times can a child be expected to open their hearts to a stranger?  Â
So much for you to consider.  Â
I will not leave him, I love him very much and value our relationship. I also would never do that to my children or him. I just want to find a way to be happy and accept it as it is. I do over think, very much so. I don't blame him for not wanting to marry me--I just need to find a way to bring peace within myself with it.
You say you will never leave him, but it sounds like you are making it unbearable for him to live with you.
With your behaviour (getting this from what you have wrote) you are forcing him to take the verbal abuse (there are different types and severity) and stay with you, or force him to leave for his own sanity.
You need to sit down with yourself and figure out what is more important
What you have now
Being a single mother | |
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | He told you from the get-go that he didn't want to be married, possibly because he hadn't found "The One". What you heard was "I might consider marriage, and you could be the one to change my mind". It's not like he pulled a bait-and-switch where he made big promises and never followed through. He told you at the beginning what his thoughts were, and you chose to stick it out, hoping you'd be able to sway him.
You knew what you were getting with him, so you have three choices: 1) Suck it up and accept the fact that you have a great guy 2) Leave him because you know this is important to you and you won't settle 3) Continue to nag him until he caves and marries you to shut you up.
Do you really want to force him into marriage? Then he'll just end up resenting you, because you put him between a rock and a hard place. You've gone this long without it, why are you suddenly obsessed about it?
Think about it this way: let's say when you two got together, you told him horses were your life and you would NEVER be without them. Then a few years down the road, he starts pressuring you to get rid of the horses because he doesn't understand why anyone would ever bother with having horses. It wouldn't be fair for him to ask that of you, knowing from the beginning how you felt about it. It's not fair to try and change someone just because you have now decided that this was important to you. | |
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 Popped
Posts: 20421
Location: LuluLand~along I64 Indiana | cowgirldreamer3 - 2015-11-30 12:12 PM RidenFly - 2015-11-30 11:06 AM cowgirldreamer3 - 2015-12-01 8:50 AM He comes from a large, good family who are all very close. There is no dysfunction anywhere, they are good people with strong family values-- although their communication is BRUTAL. Since I was previously married and had kids, I was not welcomed with open arms at first. It was especially difficult for his siblings to see him settle and be really into someone. He was more of a player-type guy before. This caused some hard feelings, but it's fine now. I don't think he's ever wanted marriage before me, but he does now. I just think he's conflicted because of all of the mixed messages. He doesn't understand how I have value in it, since it didn't work out the first time around for me. The only other thing he says is that it is not a bigger level of commitment because he says if you look around, people cheat all the time, etc in marriages. We do look around and feel like we've got it really good, our relationship is great and strong....which is why I don't understand the whole thing. I have a bubbly personality that he keeps a lid on, and he is more quiet and reserved. I am a good communicator. Probably too good, because every thought I've had on it, he knows. It comes out best just as he's about to fall asleep lol It's funny but it's not. It makes him sooo mad at me but I just cannot help myself. I don't know how it will ever be the same. Whether he does or doesn't, this has cast a huge dark cloud. I will try counseling on my own first. The last time I went to counseling I decided to leave my husband, who would have done anything to stay married to me. I know these faults are my own. I'm strong willed and stubborn and hold a grudge. I'm my own worst enemy...who does come from a divorced family. Oh I know you...I see you everytime I look into the mirror. You say you bring this up while he tries to go to sleep? Yep, because it stewed in your mind all day. You're an overthinker. So am I. You also said your ex would have done anything to stay married but you chose to leave even though you share children? Aha. Well, sounds like new guy here thinks about those things too and maybe doesn't trust you. You go on to say that he treats your children wonderfully but if he doesn't put a ring on it, you're willing to rip those kids from someone else? That's not fair to the kids. You really have to consider them and their feelings. How many men are going to take in another man's children and be kind to them? How many times can a child be expected to open their hearts to a stranger?
So much for you to consider. I will not leave him, I love him very much and value our relationship. I also would never do that to my children or him. I just want to find a way to be happy and accept it as it is. I do over think, very much so. I don't blame him for not wanting to marry me--I just need to find a way to bring peace within myself with it.
but you are already leaving him....exiting the relationship..... and making him walk on egg shells. if non marriage is making you feel this way you either need to let it go or go....
you need to respect him and the relationship you built with him enough to come to a mutual decision you both can live with...
me personally, if i had heard that if you hadnt been married or had kids i would have already married you would have put my boot in his ass and said adios.... thats cold and callous. | |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | cowgirldreamer3 - 2015-11-30 10:00 AM I created a new account as to not give my identity away because I have a personal question and am seeking advice. Here's my deal: I am divorced with three children. I have been with my significant other for six years. At the beginning of our relationship he stated he never had wanted to be married, that he thought maybe it was just because he hadn't found "the one". I didn't think much of it because he never really had many long term relationships. It is not something we really discussed a whole lot, as he isn't a good communicator. Well, last year during an argument I finally asked him if he wanted to marry me and he said no. He said if I hadn't been married before or had children, we would have done it together by now, but I've already had that. He also said marriage is stupid, that it's just a piece of paper anyway and there's no way he'd spend money on a ring. He doesn't really value it, he says he is fully committed to me now anyway so what's the point? It matters to me. To me it says that I'm not "the one". Our relationship in general is excellent other than this issue- he treats the kids as his own, is amazing to me, more than supportive of the horses, etc. He has taught me what it is like to truly be treated well. He is a great man to our family. The problem is that since the whole argument about it, I'm resentful, angry and hurt about it. I don't treat him the same. It's not like I'm going to leave him, my life is great and I love him. Nor will I be that whiney girlfriend begging for someone to want to marry me. You either want me or you don't. So I've developed that attitude-- I now feel the need to look out for myself, have become less of a team with him, and do not treat him like he deserves. I'm angry and bitter all the time and I push him away. He feels like he walks on eggshells. So he tells me this, but then makes comments about having a baby, we plan on buying a house, etc. So last night the issue of marriage came up again. He asked why would he want to when I treat him like that? I get the point. But he's ruined it for me anyway, and I'm sure I've done the same to him. We are in a vicious cycle. I don't know how to stop being hurt and angry. Most of the time I'm so very thankful for him but then I get in these episodes where I just can't let it go, it's not what I want or who I am. I know he's not happy with me right now either, and I asked him why he is with me. He said because he loves me and he's made the commitment to me. How do I stop being angry and such a mess. I'm mad for him not asking way before now, and now I'm mad and don't want him to ask. The poor guy loses either way. I would be devastated without him, so I need to stop pushing him away. Thoughts please...am I just crazy or are my feelings valid? I feel like my feelings are valid and he makes me crazy! lol
You have been with this man for 6 years so what has changed that you want him to marry you now? | |
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