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 Dancing in my Mind
Posts: 3062
  
Location: Eastern OH but my heart is in WV | Sorry to vent on here but I am at my wits end, as I know all parents get sometimes. Our son is 10 years old and a fairly talented ball player, especially in baseball. When he was in that 5-7 age range we saw a lot of attitude on the field and he was carried off a couple of times. However, until this season, we felt he was improving and last baseball season we felt he showed a lot of improvement in being a well rounded player. He often plays regular season ball (both basketball & baseball) then is asked to be on All Star or Travel teams for the remainder of that season.
? This past winter he played basketball for a travel team and other than a few comments here & there, he kept his anger under control and did well for that league. Then in March he started playing basketball for a community team, that combined all ages & skill levels. This is when we really started seeing the attitude and anger again. He was mad at himself when he messed up or would make comments about kids who did not understand or just playing because they were forced to do so (Stuff like "If they are going to play, they should learn the rules." or "If they don't want to play they need to tell their parents"). Every game he was getting mad at the refs and although he never said anything directly to them, they and everyone else clearly knew he was not happy with the calls. He also felt like he had to make all the plays so they would win. My husband tried and tried to explain to him this was his oppounity to step up and be a leader to the new kids and that the refs were going to be harder or leanent on kids depending on skill levels but it was like talking to a brick wall. We also reminded him, he was the new player just 3 years ago. I personally talked to his coaches and told them I knew my son would not learn anything until pulled from the game. WE even pulled him out for a game but the improved attitude was only short lived. However, they kept playing him because he was good and scored but as a parent his attitude was embarassing & well noticed by others.?
Then this years baseball season started. Last season there was only one team and he played with several of his friends that are very good players. However, this season there had to be two teams and he was seperated, in most part, from his friends. There are a few "seasoned" players on the team but again there are newer players or others "forced" to be there. His coach has coached him for several years and makes it clear to him how important he is to the team (he catches, pitches & short stop). His coach even went into the draft with our son on his "must have" list. However, first game tonight his anger and attitude went to a new all time high. He literally throw a fit on the field after striking out and our night ended with a trip to the ER after he hit the dugout wall (he was mad because he FELT he over threw third base & the runner scored). Luckly the wrist was not broken but it is going to hurt for a while. Please no flaming! We DO NOT pressure our son about sports, we don't yell at him during or after games and he will flat out tell you "I am hard on myself, I want to be the best." He also tells us, repeatly, "I don't know why I get so mad. I can't help myself." He is very competitive, LOVES to work out and is EXTERMLY rule driven. We have have had several people talk to him about his attitdude (including private coaches). After today, my husband and I have decided we are going to look into possible counseling concerning his anger control, tomorrow he is going to his coach's house to apologize and Sunday he will apologize to the team. Also he will go an support his team but we do not want him playing until he can get control of himself. This is where I am torn...do we pull him for the season or do we make him stick with it and learn he has to work with all skills levels, especially at this age. I realize we see the anger and attitdue more when he is playing on "regular" season teams but if he keeps this up he won't be asked to play on the "choosen" teams either (which he loves & does much better with). Or should we pull him from sports all together for a while? Outside of sports he is a good kid. Honor student, popular, well liked by his teachers and nothing but kind words from other parents when he visits friends.... Typical attitude at home but for the most part controlable but he does have a angery streak that comes out on occassion. I am a very frustrated parent and I am not sure what direction to go with this. Right now he shows potential to at least be a good high school player but not if we don't get this under control. Hoping someone has some helpful insight or similar experiences.
Edited by Rolling J 2016-05-04 10:10 PM
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
 
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Poor kid, I understand you are not putting presure on him, but maybe he thinks he's got to be perfect and just cant handle when things dont go the way he thinks they should. I think hes under alot of pressure by his peers and coach. With his coach telling him that he's important to the team could be the breaking point for your son. Your son may think that hes got to be the best out there. |
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 Worst.Housekeeper.EVER.
Location: Missouri | I don't have any advice. Just wanted to say we have the same son! lol! Mine is also 10, uber competitive, played traveling basketball in two leagues, and is now struggling terribly with city-league baseball for all the reasons you listed. He just doesn't understand why everyone isn't as passionate as him.
One of the things I have tried to talk to him about is being "coachable." Since he wants to play professionally, I try to tell him all the skills he is learning...being coachable, becoming a better pitcher (because, of course, his infield stinks...according to him. lol!), etc....
I'll be following for advice. Hang in there. Sounds like your son is blessed to have a supportive, loving family!
Also! Good role models! I really try to play those up! Especially their struggles!
Edited by just4fun 2016-05-04 10:28 PM
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Dancing in my Mind
Posts: 3062
Location: Eastern OH but my heart is in WV | Southtxponygirl - 2016-05-04 10:17 PM
Poor kid, I understand you are not putting presure on him, but maybe he thinks he's got to be perfect and just cant handle when things dont go the way he thinks they should. I think hes under alot of pressure by his peers and coach. With his coach telling him that he's important to the team could be the breaking point for your son. Your son may think that hes got to be the best out there.
I do agree with you. During the travel basketball team he was not the best player but a good support player and he thrived in that role. But during the community league he was their best player and he fell apart. Same with baseball last year and this year. He does much better when surround by peers he views as better or equal to him.
As for his coach telling him how important he is to the team, I know that he told him during a "pep talk" about his attitude prior to today's game but for the most part he is a VERY laid back coach (hence why the other team got most of the better/seasoned players during the pre-season draft). |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Rolling J - 2016-05-04 10:28 PM Southtxponygirl - 2016-05-04 10:17 PM Poor kid, I understand you are not putting presure on him, but maybe he thinks he's got to be perfect and just cant handle when things dont go the way he thinks they should. I think hes under alot of pressure by his peers and coach. With his coach telling him that he's important to the team could be the breaking point for your son. Your son may think that hes got to be the best out there. I do agree with you. During the travel basketball team he was not the best player but a good support player and he thrived in that role. But during the community league he was their best player and he fell apart. Same with baseball last year and this year. He does much better when surround by peers he views as better or equal to him. As for his coach telling him how important he is to the team, I know that he told him during a "pep talk" about his attitude prior to today's game but for the most part he is a VERY laid back coach (hence why the other team got most of the better/seasoned players during the pre-season draft ).
Hugs for your kido and you too mom, I know you must feel really bad for him at this point  |
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 Hog Tie My Mojo
Posts: 4847
Location: Opelousas, LA | Having your son apologize to the coach and his team is a very good start, kudos to you for that!
Otherwise, I don't have much advice, just hugs. My kids are pretty laid back and not very competitive which to be honest, drives me insane some times. So I see where your son is coming from in a way. Maybe if you could show him some examples of great coaches and players that were able to inspire greatness in others, Vince Lombardi comes to mind. Maybe it would help if he could channel that energy in a positive, inspiring direction, encouraging the other less driven kids on his team instead of getting angry at thier indifference. Hubby is a HS football coach, I will see what he thinks about it and get back to you.
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 John Deere Green
Posts: 12272
Location: ~Kansas~ | no advice really from me as I don't have kids... but a HUGE kudos to you and your hubs for getting him go get help with anger issues.
I was VERY aggressive and had anger issues growing up playing sports. When younger coaches played it off as well she has to be tuff she is playing with boys. But as I got older it was hard for me to control it, since I was always told to be tuff and play aggressive. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1273
Location: South Dakota | I'm sending hugs! I do think that type of stuff really comes from within. My daughter and husband are very competitive and my son and I are like,whatever. However, the maddest my son and I ever get is when we are mad at ourselves. Kudos to you and your husband for trying to do the best for your son.
He's probably a little young but I wonder how he'd handle a sport without a team, like track.
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 612
| Have you asked your son if he wants to take a break? Maybe a break is what he needs. I am guessing that he feels like he has to carry the team and the frustration comes from not being able to control every aspect. I don't know how to fix it, but that is my guess as to why that he is acting out. |
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Expert
Posts: 1343
Location: East Texas | I think some counseling would be good. He/she may be able to see if there is some deep-rooted reason why he is so hard on himself. Keep reassuring him that you know he is trying his best, but we all mess up at times... whether it be in sports or just in life. Continue to love and encourage him! A counselor may be able to pull some things from him that he just hasn't shared with you.
Hang in there! |
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 Balance Beam and more...
Posts: 11511
Location: 31 lengths farms | I dont' have kids of my own but coached gymnastics for 27 years and helped my dad coach both baseball and football teams, I was in charge of hitting for his baseball team and conditioning for football. I think counseling is a great start but in order for any of it to take effect there has to be consequences while he is on the field, the coaches are not helping by keeping him out there when the attitude dips. Unfortunately I know in baseball usually the rule is if they are a starter they can be pulled and be put back in, but if they get pulled again then they are out of the line up but it might be exactly what he needs. And a time out and the coach reminding him that he isnt' any good to the team sitting on the bench but he isn't any good to the team if he can't help them by helping himself with a positive attitude on the field. While his hand heals I'd make him go to practices and if all he can do is sit and encourage his team mates then that is what he needs to do as well as sit in the dug out during games, get the view from the other side of the kids that come to practices but dont' get the innings in the game because they might not be as talented physically.
Also maybe do some kind of reward program, and it could be just a high five atta boy moment rather than a actual "gift" of some kind for moments you see him keep his composure over any mistakes of his own or his team mates or a time you see him encourage a team mate, make that the goal, being a good team mate and not just a good athlete. Look at Payton Manning this last year..was he the best quarterback in the league? Not phyiscally, not even close. But the guys on his team were willing to play behind his diminished skills because they knew Payton would still be trying to figure out how to win the game with 80 yards ahead of them, no time outs and only 5 seconds on the clock, not because he thought he was that good but because he knew his team mates were. Attitude is everything. Good luck and bless you for being aware of your child's attitude, it will help a lot in the long run. |
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 Veteran
Posts: 129
Location: South | I was thinking the same thing. Have him help out while he is hurt and see if that doesn't change his outlook on the game. Maybe by him uplifting the other kids and the pressure to perform being gone things will improve? I don't have kids so I really can't offer any other advice other than what was already stated. However my sister played every form of traveling sports there was; soccer, basketball, softball, and she did rodeo. She was a great athlete, and like your son; she didn't understand how other wasn't as serious as she was during a game. So I understand from that aspect. |
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Expert
Posts: 1543
Location: MI | My oldest daughter is similar - rule drive and smart, polite for a good share of the time, but very much the oldest and type A with a temper worse than the younger kids when she gets upset. I wouldn't pull him for the season - I think these are rough things that he has to get through and without being in the moment, he can't work on it. Games, yes, there should definitely be a consequence for bad behavior.
We try to emphasize being the best she can be and improving over her last out, rather than comparison to others. That seems to help a little. Also, setting realistic expectations and attainable goals - with a little fudge room at that age.
He may be going through a growth spurt. Not trying to excuse it away, by any means, but for some reason behavior seems to worsen a bit when growing.
I heard a quote once, the very things that upset us as parents are the things that will help kiddos succeed. I know in my daughters case, one day I'll be thankful for her independent, need to succeed streak. But it's hard to parent! Hang in there, you're doing good! |
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  Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | I understand where he's coming from. When I was very young, I was also extremely competitive. I think some kids are just born with that kind of drive. He doesn't have the skills or the brain maturity to handle it when he's in the moment. That's why he says afterwards that he doesn't know why he gets so angry...he really doesn't know. The impulse center of kids brains doesn't mature completely until they are mid 20's, so they depend on adults to be leaders and guide them to the right decisions.
His coaches have tunnel vision...all they see is winning, at the expense of competitive kids like yours. I think it's a shame that kids are pushed so hard by coaches to win at all costs. All you can do is try to keep him headed in the right direction. |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| I agree with Cindy. But remember, you are the parent and are the one to make the hard decisions for your child's best interests, not the coaches. If you think he needs to be pulled or not play a whole game, then tell the coaches. Their goal is to win, your goal is to raise a balanced, happy child. We all have hard lessons to learn and it sounds like you are doing a good job. Bless your heart, parenting is the greatest and hardest job of all. |
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Balance Beam and more...
Posts: 11511
Location: 31 lengths farms | I was extremely competitive as a kid, still am as a fact. I had an inner drive that kept me up till 2am a lot of mornings working my handstands on beam in the dark because my sister threatened to kill me for the light being on. The first time I fell off beam in a meet I almost ran out of the time they give you to remount because I literally wasn't sure where to pick up from, did I need to redo the leap series to get full credit as well as trying to analyze why I had fallen, already thinking about the drills I needed to do. I got thru the rest of the routine, I think ended up 4th even with the fall and apparently had a "not impressed" face on the awards stand when I received my medal which I did not hAve it around my neck very long, LOL!!! My mom came up behind me on the podium, tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to step down, took the medal off my neck and handed it to me and told me to go give it back, she was not going to sit there and watch me pout while seeing kids in lower placings who worked just as hard happy with their medals. I was then sat down with my teammates and told I would not be receiving any of my other medals that day either but was expected to cheer my teammates who had kept their attitudes in check and earned their awards. I was 9. That lesson has been my go to on how to teach and coach kids since the day I started coaching gymnastics at 17...you can't control how much talent you are given only what you choose to do with it and the attitude you approach it with. You can help your children with one little quiet discussion more than you will ever know. |
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | I can't really add to what has already been said, just wanted to say it's really refreshing to see a parent who admits that their child has flaws, is addressing the issue, and doesn't place blame on everyone else.
There are enough Johnny Manziels in the world  |
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Dancing in my Mind
Posts: 3062
Location: Eastern OH but my heart is in WV | Thanks so much everyone, for your input. So I talked to a counselor and he is very happy to speak with my son. I was just getting ready for work the next morning and the man's name was placed on my mind. I am looking forward to him talking to my son because he is a cop (within the school), youth minister and really into sports & fitness. He also invited my son to join his youth group that is based on a military premise of leadership and discipline. So here is hoping to what happens next.
He also talked to his coach yesterday evening and apologized. They went in the kitchen to talk while my husband stayed in the other room, so not really sure what was said but he is not playing Sunday.
Edited by Rolling J 2016-05-06 1:01 PM
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Cold hands and Warm Heart
Location: oklahoma | My son is an older version of yours, without the extreme anger but we can still see it, or could at that age. It's been my job to keep perspective for him and repeatedly point out to work on his game, in essence, worry about himself because some will never have the passion or drive that mine has and that's ok. They'll find their gift in life and use it to the best of their ability. Quit worrying about others. Mine has always been hard on himself to the point that at your sons age, I remember telling him that as a parent that loved him, I couldn't keep taking him to practice and games and seeing him not enjoy the game and experience. Again, perspective and I will tell you that watching college and pro games and pointing out their mistakes has helped some I suppose. Everyone makes them, part of life and to realize that in the grand scheme of things, this game isn't going to change the world. Besides, no college coach is going to want to see that attitude. They want quiet, humble leaders that hustle and provide positive results. Hustle overcomes a lot of mistakes and they want them to keep playing, which maturity brings....my family is like this too so I guess it's part of their Dna, lol to work hard to be the best at whatever they love. I wouldn't pull him out but talk to the coach since it sounds like he's relayed the message that your son helps carry the team. They should be learning far bigger lessons from the coach than winning. Sports can be life altering,either in a good way or not, so I'd make sure that coach takes some pressure off of him. There's a great fb site called "proactive coaching" that may help both you, your son and his coach. It's called a game because it should be fun. Signed, an ex ball player and mom of several :). ( apologies for the length of this reply |
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