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Member
Posts: 6
| I've created a new account so that I can post anonymously. I have some friends on this forum and I'm still keeping these issues private at the moment. I just really need unbiased advice from some strong, experienced women and this forum just felt like the right place to go. I'll try to keep this as short as possible.
I met my now husband last spring (2016). We moved in together by fall, and I was pregnant by the end of the year, married this spring, and now have a beautiful 2 month old. I know we moved far too quickly and that's why I'm in the situation I'm in now. I didn't even know him yet.
I found out in February that he had still been talking on a daily basis with his ex, that he had gone to sleep with her one weekend he told me he was visiting his mother (she lives in his home state, far away from us). He was telling her he loved and missed her and was planning to leave me. He lied to me about all of it and I had to find out on my own via phone records. He cried, apologized, begged for forgiveness, etc. I forgave him only because I was pregnant, and we moved on to get married.
This summer, about 2 months after we were married and one month before baby was born, I found out he was still talking to this girl, every day. He had down loaded an app on his phone to contact her through so that it wouldn't show up on his phone records. I only found out because she contacted me. He got angry and violent when I confronted him, I had to call the cops out that night. (8 months pregnant)
At this point I was ready to move out and I was so done with him. The next day, again he cried and begged and again I gave in, because I was four weeks from my due date and it was the worst possible timing for me to leave him. I am states away from any family or close friends, so I would have been completely alone. I also hoped that maybe seeing him as a father would help me fall back in love with him.
Surprise, it didn't. He's not helpful with our baby at all. I have returned to work and I have to take her to the sitter before work, then I'm home on my own with her all night. I don't mind it, I love her so much and she is by no means an inconvenience, but it would be nice for him to be able to watch her while I shower or do laundry every once in a while. I don't want him alone with her because she loves to be interacted with and he doesn't do that, and doesn't console her when she gets fussy and her crying just escalates, then he gets more and more frustrated.
Not to mention, I had to return back to work early because he pulled money out of a savings account when she was born to help me pay my bills if I needed it while I was on maternity leave. I didn't need it until a couple weeks ago, I asked him for help buying some of her formula and he didn't have it. He blew through every dime of that money on fishing supplies, some stupid stand up paddle board thing, protein powders and a moonshine still. I wish I was making this stuff up ya'll. I noticed the purchases but he kept assuring me he was fine on money and hadn't spent any of the savings. So he lied about that too. He blew all of that money on toys for himself while I was struggling to support myself on my savings for maternity leave.
And last but not least, (ya'll will love this one) I just took a trip home for two weeks to visit family and let everyone meet the baby. He stayed home to take care of everything. I came home to find the horse's feed was still just as full as I had left it. He had fed them maybe once in the two weeks I was gone, so all they had was their round bales. I have one aged appendix gelding that is a very hard keeper and is ribby now going into winter. He tried to lie and tell me he fed them, but I explained to him if there is no feed missing I know he did not feed them. He just said, "ok". I didn't know how to even respond to that. (Also, there were two week old dirty bottles left for me in the sink and her laundry basket was still left full, nice welcome home present.)
We had one huge fight a couple weeks ago, about the money, and I told him I was done with him. He said if I leave him he will get full custody of the baby. I know that was a scare tactic, because he knows I would stay with him if it meant that was the only way I could keep my daughter.
I'm not sure at this point what the best next step is. I can't stand to be around him. I want to leave and take my daughter and go back home, but I don't know what I can and can't do legally. And my worst fear is that I leave him and he gets full or even joint custody, because I absolutely do not trust him alone with my daughter. He drinks, he gets frustrated easily and he has proven already he's capable of being violent.
Part of me wants to work on things with him, just because I don't want to take the chance of him getting her. My main priority right now is my daughter and I don't know what the best thing is for her. I don't know about how custody is determined.. I have a good career and can support myself and her, but if I leave I will have to leave my job also. He also has a very wealthy father who I'm sure would buy him the best lawyer out there. He is only interested in custody to avoid paying child support I know. He cares nothing about spending time with her.
I'm sorry this got so long... Sadly I left out many lies and things he has done to try to keep it short... These are just the big ones.
Would you stay to avoid the risk of him getting custody? Or leave and take that chance? I'm even willing to tell him I'll take zero child support if he will take zero custody, if I'm able to do that. Am I allowed to move states with her before divorce paper work is filed? And lastly, has anyone been through a similar experience, and do you feel you made the right decision?
Any other advice is appreciated as well. I know I've made terrible mistakes so far, but from here I just want to move in the right direction. I don't want to regret yet another decision.
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 Hugs to You
Posts: 7550
  
Location: In The Land of Cotton | I am sorry you are going through this. Even though you saw warning signs, you tried to stay and have a family. However, it is time for you to move one. One being that he became violent and you also mentioned how fustrated he becomes with the child.
At this point it is imperative you move where you have a support system. I would take the chld and leave. You as the mother/parent have that right. I doubt he will try and stop you. If you think he will, call the local sheriff office and have an officer there at that time.
I also feel that should the father want interaction with the child at some point that you allow it to happen. Unless of course he is a danger to the child.
Good luck. You have some hard decisions to make.
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Expert
Posts: 1343
 
Location: East Texas | The first thing I would do is consult an attorney in your State (I am a paralegal in Texas and know that States differ in their laws). Your attorney will be able to tell you what you can do (as in leave the State, etc.). I would bet money that if he won't even help you wash a bottle, he certainly will not want custody of the baby... he just knows it will keep you where you are. Keep records where you know he was contacting his ex and anything else showing that he is not fit to be a custodial parent. Prayers for you!! |
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | Why would you want your daughter raised in that environment.....i wouldnt have even stayed past the 1st known cheating "sleep over".....m |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| I would talk to some one in your state that specializes in family law. But no way would I stay with him. |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | I think you need to go talk to a attorney about this. Hugs to you, you are in a bad spot..  |
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 Guys Just Wanna Have Fun
Posts: 5530
Location: OH | First---I am a guy.
Second---Have a higher opinion of your self, don't settle, you can do better.
Third-----DUMP HIM
Fourth----NO WAY he would get the kid.
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 Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| A: Talk to an attorney
B: Of course he wants you there...you're his maid and he can walk all over you while still doing what he wants.
C: What's the point of staying there to "work things out" when he hasn't lifted a pinky to do so yet??
D: Get to the lawyer FAST and run like hell and don't look back. |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Mighty Broke - 2016-10-17 2:18 PM First---I am a guy.
Second---Have a higher opinion of your self, don't settle, you can do better.
Third-----DUMP HIM
Fourth----NO WAY he would get the kid.
This^^^ What Mighty Broke just said... Run dont walk.. |
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Member
Posts: 6
| mruggles - 2016-10-17 2:10 PM
Why would you want your daughter raised in that environment.....i wouldnt have even stayed past the 1st known cheating "sleep over".....m
Thank you everyone for taking the time to read all of that and your advice. The prayers are very much appreciated.
mruggles- I would have also, I just felt like leaving him before my daughter was born was giving her zero chance at a normal, nuclear family. I felt I owed it to her to give it a shot.
I grew up in a family where my parents were high school sweet hearts and still just as happy together as they were as teens. I always felt sorry for my friends with divorced parents, and no I'm putting my own daughter in a broken family situation. I'm just trying to avoid that if it all possible.. But I'm coming to the point where enough is enough.
Edited by barrelracer1010 2016-10-17 2:32 PM
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | barrelracer1010 - 2016-10-17 2:27 PM mruggles - 2016-10-17 2:10 PM Why would you want your daughter raised in that environment.....i wouldnt have even stayed past the 1st known cheating "sleep over".....m Thank you everyone for taking the time to read all of that and your advice. The prayers are very much appreciates. mruggles- I would have also, I just felt like leaving him before my daughter was born was giving her zero chance at a normal, nuclear family. I felt I owed it to her to give it a shot. I grew up in a family where my parents were high school sweet hearts and still just as happy together as they were as teens. I always felt sorry for my friends with divorced parents, and no I'm putting my own daughter in a broken family situation. I'm just trying to avoid that if it all possible.. But I'm coming to the point where enough is enough.
Enought is now young lady |
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Member
Posts: 6
| To those suggesting a state attorney - Would it be the state I live in now, or the state I want to move home to?
Also, he is active duty military. Does that change anything with my wanting to leave, since he is stationed in this state and we are his dependents? I've considered seeing if there is legal help available through the military but if I went in for advice I'm not sure if they would notify him or not, and if they did it would be bad situation. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1074
| You need to move home with your family and get away from him. |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9991
Location: Kansas | Only way for him to get full custody was if you were a total piece of crap by being a druggie, or the baby was not safe while in your care and that would have to be proven. Been there done that MANY times with my daughters father.
I highly doubt he would be willing to give up his custody.....this individual sounds like he has narcasistic (spelling?) tendencies, plus not to mention it's a big control thing for him. You're miserable now correct? Best thing to do.....pack your things up, move home, hire an attorney, and get the custody started immediately.
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | You absolutely need to get out. Consult an attorney first. You want to have a good case against him having custody and it sounds like his visitation needs to be supervised. The part where you said he has a wealthy father is concerning on that point. I know a girl in Georgia who lost custody of her kids to an abusive husband when she finally go the courage to leave him, because of who his family was and what they were able to afford to do. So be as smart and thorough as you can, but most of all stay safe. |
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Expert
Posts: 1343
Location: East Texas | Most states have residence requirements. If you file in a State you move to, you will probably have a waiting period. If you file in the State where you live now, you have lived there long enough to meet that requirement. It shouldn't matter if he is in the military. He just has to be given notice (served with divorce papers). At least that is how it is in Texas. |
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 Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| Go see an attorney, consults are usually free. They can tell you your rights.. I do know 1 thing for certain, he cannot and will not gain full custody of your baby girl.. unless he can prove you are an unfit mother, which we all gather you are not! He's bluffing. This guy sounds toxic and you and your daughter need to be away from him. He will be responsible for paying child support and providing health insurance for her, and as i understand that will give him the right to see her and he could very well not allow you to move out of state... (my ex put a 100 mile radius on how far i could move with the kids) . Sorry you are going thru this... I went thru a divorce when my youngest was 3 months old.. I moved out, well, he told us to leave so I did and it was one of the best things that ever happened. Hang in there, be strong for your daughter and don't let him scare you into staying with the threat of him taking your baby from you... that's total chicken $__t! Document EVERYTHING! |
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| I don't have the best advice, but agree with the others. Get a great lawyer and I would go somewhere safe depending on your means and how legal it is for you to leave the state. You don't need that and you definitely don't need to settle. From the sounds of it he doesn't have a chance in Hell of getting full custody. Be strong girl, you're putting your baby first which is the best thing you can do. Prayers  |
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Member
Posts: 6
| want2chase3 - 2016-10-17 2:42 PM
Go see an attorney, consults are usually free. They can tell you your rights.. I do know 1 thing for certain, he cannot and will not gain full custody of your baby girl.. unless he can prove you are an unfit mother, which we all gather you are not! He's bluffing. This guy sounds toxic and you and your daughter need to be away from him. He will be responsible for paying child support and providing health insurance for her, and as i understand that will give him the right to see her and he could very well not allow you to move out of state... (my ex put a 100 mile radius on how far i could move with the kids) . Sorry you are going thru this... I went thru a divorce when my youngest was 3 months old.. I moved out, well, he told us to leave so I did and it was one of the best things that ever happened. Hang in there, be strong for your daughter and don't let him scare you into staying with the threat of him taking your baby from you... that's total chicken $__t! Document EVERYTHING!
That's terrifying to me that he will be able to keep my daughter and I from going back home to my family. I didn't realize he would have that power.  |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Get out now, don't waste anymore of your time and energy on him. It will be difficult and stressful but you will wake up one day and know it was the best decision you ever made, you just have to soldier through. Prayers and hugs, there are good men out there, you and your daughter deserve that. I dated several jerks, put up with cheaters and liars till I said no more. I decided I would not tolerate any questionable behavior, I cut them loose. Instead of being tied up with losers I met the most wonderful man who I am absolutely nuts over 30 years later. Good luck, happiness is out there. |
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