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Regular
Posts: 65
| My daughter asked me stay at a friends last night, I said yes and asked her what they planned on doing. She said they want to go to so and so birthday party. A boy they go to school with. I said that was ok, but I wanted to know where the party was at and if her fiends mom was driving them and picking them up and I didn't want her to stay past midnight. At that time she didn't know those answers yet and I said she wasn't leaving until she found out. After about an hour she said they didn't know where it was going to be so they would not be going because the friends mom wasn't going to let her go without knowing either. They had just planned on staying home then. Soooo, I occasionally check on her Snapchat account and got on it early this morning and randomly looked that this one boys story, and he posted a video at a party with a lot of kids and there was my daughter in the video. I am beyond furious, more so about the lieing part. I gave her many opportunitys to tell me the truth. I said before she left, if anything changed, please text me. This party was in another town about 30 minutes away. My daughter is 15.
I don't know what to do, talk to the other mother, take all her electronics away, take her social life away. I feel awful that this is the choices she is making. I'm not raising her to think it's ok to lie to get what you want. I just want to cry. She doesn't know I know yet. Help. | |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
  
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Hugs mom  , I dont know what to tell you, I raised two boys and they pretty much stayed around the house, our house was the place were the kids like to hang out as they loved their dirt bikes and bike course that they had in my front pasture with all their jumps. I never went threw what you just went threw, times are just different now adays. Back then we didnt have all the devices that the kids have now adays. I wonder if the other girls mom knows about them going to this party and how they got there would be my main concern right now, but I would be calling the girls mom and ask her. | |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| I would take all electronics away, and tell her from now on you will be calling the other mom to make sure what the plans are. What I did with my kids was one mother would take them and I would pick them up or vice versa. As much as we would love to trust our kids at that age they are testing their boundaries, us and themselves. It's a difficult time but stick to your guns and later she will realize how you love her. It's like the terrible 2's all over again, lol.  | |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | GLP - 2016-12-18 12:13 PM I would take all electronics away, and tell her from now on you will be calling the other mom to make sure what the plans are. What I did with my kids was one mother would take them and I would pick them up or vice versa. As much as we would love to trust our kids at that age they are testing their boundaries, us and themselves. It's a difficult time but stick to your guns and later she will realize how you love her. It's like the terrible 2's all over again, lol.
yes this ^^^ | |
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Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
Location: OH. IO | First off there would be NO PLANS for awhile.its Christmas break and she would spend it at home with family.second she would have no cell no computer no nothing.i would contact the other mom.kids aren't born with rights.they earn them.she would have to earn my trust and that wouldn't be easy with me.prayers to you. | |
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 Namesless in BHW
Posts: 10368
Location: At the race track with Ah Dee Ohs | Take everything away and ground her until the first of the year. | |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| total performance - 2016-12-18 12:57 PM
Take everything away and ground her until the first of the year.
This plus once I made one go everywhere with me, lol, she was 14. Edited to add don't feel bad for getting on to her.
Edited by rodeomom3 2016-12-18 1:27 PM
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 No Tune in a Bucket
Posts: 2935
Location: Texas | I had boys and it was a long time ago but now is such a dangerous time for young people and bad things can happen so fast. She has to learn to make good decisions and you need to make a big impact about this decision. And it was a decision on her part. I totally agree about taking the electronics and making her go everywhere with you or she stays at home with dad, no exceptions. You might get a cheap flip phone to give her if you feel she needs a phone for YOU to contact her. | |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | You've received wonderful advice already; I'd definitely call the other mother and see what she knew or didn't know. I've been very blessed with Chandler--he's always been a homebody and rather be on the farm than anywhere else. I thank God for that, but I still worry even when he's out here coon hunting or something!! Today's world is so dangerous, and that coupled with kids that age thinking they know everything and are invincible doubles the terrible things that can happen. Prayers to you and hope she'll learn her lesson over this. | |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| barrelmom68 - 2016-12-18 11:42 AM
My daughter asked me stay at a friends last night, I said yes and asked her what they planned on doing. She said they want to go to so and so birthday party. A boy they go to school with. I said that was ok, but I wanted to know where the party was at and if her fiends mom was driving them and picking them up and I didn't want her to stay past midnight. At that time she didn't know those answers yet and I said she wasn't leaving until she found out. After about an hour she said they didn't know where it was going to be so they would not be going because the friends mom wasn't going to let her go without knowing either. They had just planned on staying home then. Soooo, I occasionally check on her Snapchat account and got on it early this morning and randomly looked that this one boys story, and he posted a video at a party with a lot of kids and there was my daughter in the video. I am beyond furious, more so about the lieing part. I gave her many opportunitys to tell me the truth. I said before she left, if anything changed, please text me. This party was in another town about 30 minutes away. My daughter is 15.
I don't know what to do, talk to the other mother, take all her electronics away, take her social life away. I feel awful that this is the choices she is making. I'm not raising her to think it's ok to lie to get what you want. I just want to cry. She doesn't know I know yet. Help.
For punishment, I am not sure taking electronics away actually improves their behaviour.
Why not make her do manual labor, work at a soup kitchen, shovel families sidewalks if you live where it is snowing, pick rocks for a farmer, stuff like this. | |
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Married to a Louie Lover
Posts: 3303
| Speaking as an non parent but having been a teenager not so many years ago - absolutely come down hard on her. Just because you gave her the chance to tell you - and even go to the party providing she followed a few guidelines.
I was raised with a pretty loose leash providing I was honest with my folks. It started as restrictions on where and adults needed to be there and be home by such and such a time. By the time I was 17/18 I pretty much just needed to say where and when I'd be back. And I didn't feel any need to not be honest (granted I also didn't drink until college, my parents got off pretty easy).
Nip it now. Not that she made an bad choice going, but that she made a bad choice not being honest with you. | |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| cheryl makofka - 2016-12-18 7:10 PM barrelmom68 - 2016-12-18 11:42 AM My daughter asked me stay at a friends last night, I said yes and asked her what they planned on doing. She said they want to go to so and so birthday party. A boy they go to school with. I said that was ok, but I wanted to know where the party was at and if her fiends mom was driving them and picking them up and I didn't want her to stay past midnight. At that time she didn't know those answers yet and I said she wasn't leaving until she found out. After about an hour she said they didn't know where it was going to be so they would not be going because the friends mom wasn't going to let her go without knowing either. They had just planned on staying home then. Soooo, I occasionally check on her Snapchat account and got on it early this morning and randomly looked that this one boys story, and he posted a video at a party with a lot of kids and there was my daughter in the video. I am beyond furious, more so about the lieing part. I gave her many opportunitys to tell me the truth. I said before she left, if anything changed, please text me. This party was in another town about 30 minutes away. My daughter is 15. I don't know what to do, talk to the other mother, take all her electronics away, take her social life away. I feel awful that this is the choices she is making. I'm not raising her to think it's ok to lie to get what you want. I just want to cry. She doesn't know I know yet. Help. For punishment, I am not sure taking electronics away actually improves their behaviour. Why not make her do manual labor, work at a soup kitchen, shovel families sidewalks if you live where it is snowing, pick rocks for a farmer, stuff like this.
Taking away the cell phone/tablet etc. is a death sentence to most teens-it gets their attention, a great deterrent. | |
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| OhMax - 2016-12-18 7:15 PM
Speaking as an non parent but having been a teenager not so many years ago - absolutely come down hard on her. Just because you gave her the chance to tell you - and even go to the party providing she followed a few guidelines.
I was raised with a pretty loose leash providing I was honest with my folks. It started as restrictions on where and adults needed to be there and be home by such and such a time. By the time I was 17/18 I pretty much just needed to say where and when I'd be back. And I didn't feel any need to not be honest (granted I also didn't drink until college, my parents got off pretty easy).
Nip it now. Not that she made an bad choice going, but that she made a bad choice not being honest with you.
Yep. I'm also a non parent but I did have a Mom that was extremely tough on me. I would never have had the guts to end up 30 minutes from where I said I would be! And that was before social media!!
Mom was tough, and she wasn't afraid to take stuff away. She wasn't afraid to humiliate me either.
As a 30 something now, gosh am I relieved she ruled through terror. I didn't get pregnant, I didn't do drugs, I didn't get drunk on the sly. To tell the truth, the terror got me through college, too. I wasn't about to mess up so bad that I would have to tell her about it.
I waited to pull the dumb crap when I was on my own paycheck, and she STILL doesn't know about most of it---shudder.
All that said, we're pretty good friends now and she's switched gears to being a loving, supporting Mama that she always was, just now she's allowed to not preface her behavior to keep me straight and narrow. A relief for me to know that she actually isn't, and never was, a Goblin, and I'm sure a relief to her that she doesn't have to keep it up for my betterment.
Parents need to know that they don't have to be, and shouldn't be their kids friend, that it comes after, when their kid is an adult that is worth friending. You can always laugh and love and hug, etc, my Mama did, and often, but Lord help you if you put a single toe out of line. So not worth it! | |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | rodeomom3 - 2016-12-18 7:20 PM cheryl makofka - 2016-12-18 7:10 PM barrelmom68 - 2016-12-18 11:42 AM My daughter asked me stay at a friends last night, I said yes and asked her what they planned on doing. She said they want to go to so and so birthday party. A boy they go to school with. I said that was ok, but I wanted to know where the party was at and if her fiends mom was driving them and picking them up and I didn't want her to stay past midnight. At that time she didn't know those answers yet and I said she wasn't leaving until she found out. After about an hour she said they didn't know where it was going to be so they would not be going because the friends mom wasn't going to let her go without knowing either. They had just planned on staying home then. Soooo, I occasionally check on her Snapchat account and got on it early this morning and randomly looked that this one boys story, and he posted a video at a party with a lot of kids and there was my daughter in the video. I am beyond furious, more so about the lieing part. I gave her many opportunitys to tell me the truth. I said before she left, if anything changed, please text me. This party was in another town about 30 minutes away. My daughter is 15. I don't know what to do, talk to the other mother, take all her electronics away, take her social life away. I feel awful that this is the choices she is making. I'm not raising her to think it's ok to lie to get what you want. I just want to cry. She doesn't know I know yet. Help. For punishment, I am not sure taking electronics away actually improves their behaviour. Why not make her do manual labor, work at a soup kitchen, shovel families sidewalks if you live where it is snowing, pick rocks for a farmer, stuff like this.
LOL, that is so true.. | |
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| Everybody parents differently but no matter what your punishment please be sure to explain to her WHY you feel what she did was wrong. Make sure she understands that she put herself in a bad position and many things could have gone wrong. It just wasn't about disobeying you. It is also a matter of her own safety and she needs to use common sense. I'm sure she will be like most kids and think that would never happen to me but hopefully you will put a bug in her ear and she will keep it in mind next time she is tempted to do something like this. I truly believe that at this age you must keep the lines of communication open. I'm not saying you need to be her "best buddy" but you do want her to feel like she can be open and discuss things with you.
ETA... I have 3 daughters of my own and 15 is a tough age. :)
Edited by turnthree 2016-12-19 9:27 AM
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Regular
Posts: 65
| Thank you all for your comments. It's good to hear that it's OK to be tough. Sometimes I think it's harder on me emotionally. I hate to be or have to be a "mean" mom. I always worry that when she turns 18, she will never come back home because home just sucks....or at least in her eyes it. It's not in my character to be that tough mom and it's so important to me that the lines of communication are open. I was that kid once, so part of me understands, I was drinking in high school, I went to parties and did things that I probably should not have survived...I love my mom and never had a bad relationship with her, but when I was in high school, she had gotten out of a bad relationship with my dad and gotten into another relationship with her now husband, she was so focused on that happiness, I just kind of was allowed to do my own thing. I think that's why I'm so strict with my children, I just don't want them to turn out like me...
Again, thank you all for all your comments and support even from the non moms, I think I cried the most reading yours.... | |
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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| The fact you checked her snapchat and then checked this boy's video was not random. You must have had your mom instincts working. I would be livid if my kid snuck off to a party and lied to me. LIVID.
? First thing I would do, is sit down and lecture on trust. Let her know point blank how I am truly disappointed by her character and decision to lie to me. I would probably also add that her future is going to be much more constricted because of my lack of trust. Sort of the the old mantra with horses, make the wrong thing hard and the right thing easy, but yes, I would be sure to let her know that I am completely LET DOWN. by her choices.
You can take away the electronics, kids these days think they are going to melt if they can't access thier FB and Snapchat. But ultimately, you need to take away recreational activity with friends. Spend that time working on her character. Give her examples of what kind of prediciment she'd be placed in if YOU did something like that and she had to find out about it on social media.
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Veteran
Posts: 276
| Punishment for sure. Also be sure to explain how much that hurt you that she lied to you. Also explain that feeling you get as a mom not knowing where your child was or safe. If she is like I was, punishment sucked yes, but kinda like I would decide the "crime was worth the time." The couple times my mom sat me down and told me how much I had hurt her... THAT killed me and stuck with me forever. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1343
Location: East Texas | You have gotten some excellent advice on here. The only thing I might add is that WHATEVER punishment you decide on - stick to it!!! If you tell them you are going to do this or that and that she can't do this or that, then stick to your guns and don't give in, even if she acts like an angel for a few days. My husband told me long ago that if I wasn't going to stick with the punishment, then not to tell them one thing and do another. If you give in, it makes it almost impossible to discipline in the future because they will never believe that you are going to follow through. | |
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 Straight Shooter
Posts: 5725
Location: SW North Dakota | Oh man! This thread is helpful because it's something that's been on my mind a lot. My son is 16 and a homebody. He has only asked to go "out" one time (which was just a couple of weeks ago). He didn't break any rules, but that is the part that scares me a little (I'm sorry if I sound ridiculous). In a year and a half, he will be gone to college and I won't have much "say" in his choices. Just like training a dog or a horse, if he doesn't make mistakes, how can I help correct them?? Will he go to college and become an idiot?? It terrifies me, because I was "bad" in high school- I know what kids want to do (or at least the bad decisions I made).
Here is a FREE app that you can add to your phone and your daughter's as part of her reconciliation. It's called Life360 and it tracks their phone. You can see where they are, to the gnat's ass. I have it on both of my kids' phones and it's mandatory as long as I pay the phone bill. My husband and I are also linked on it, so they can see where we are. It comes in handy for lots of things- like picking up supplies if someone is near a town. You can also set a radius around a town, school or home so if they leave, you get an alert. They also have a beta driving portion that reports their speed.
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