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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 312
Location: KS | Ok, so this isn't a huge deal but wanting to get some opinions on this incident. I'm a step mom to this amazing young lady. I've been in her life as her dad's girlfriend and wife since she was very little, so you could say we know each other pretty good and I would say we are close. Her mom decided to grow up and be mature about the situation as it was a very I immature deal but I feel like my step daughter is treated good and fair and both homes, having the best of both worlds. I have always wanted her to feel like her home with us is very similar or complete like her other meaning she has her own clothes, toys, etc at our house and doesn't have to pack things back and forth. And because I do this I don't just let her pack a bag and take her things from our house to her other because I have found things don't get brought back, this includes toys and clothes. So on this one occasion, she left with a pair of socks from our house, no big deal, it's socks. Anyway she was helping me fold laundry over the weekend and told me that she thought this certain pair of socks belonged at her other house and that she must of wore the wrong ones back, and made no big deal about it, as i didn't either just said all well. We'll the next morning she was in the mud room acting fishy according to my husband so we was just kinda nonchalantly paying attention to her, well she pulled these socks out of her pocket and said oh I need to put these away, given shed just come up from putting her clothes away, and she always has her school bookbag with her as we pick her up from school the weekends we get her. So my husband kind of looks at me funny as I tell her ya you could probably leave those here since you have a pair from here at your other house, again she said ya I was going to, but we both knew she was trying to sneak them in her bookbag? So anyway we meet halfway to take her back as she lives close an hour away from us and I always wash her clothes from Friday and she wears them back to her other house, but she goes down to her room to change and comes up and we get ready to go and the thought crossed my mind I wonder if she snuck those socks back up but decided not to say anything as like I said, it's socks. So last night I went down to strip the sheets off a bed as we had some overnight company and I thought I think I'll peek in and see if she took those socks back, well she did, no where to be found. And like I said I'm not wanting to make a big deal out of this bc there socks but I think that fact that she lied more than once about it and chose to sneak them out of our house. I guess its irritating me more the fact that I am the one that buys her clothes and toys as I am the mom and that's just really not my husband's thing, but I buy her nice things and I guess to have her take things and not have them replaced it bothers me more to the point if I continues she'll end up with nothing here and everything there. And the things I buy her are no nicer than what she has at her other house, they're usually just different which I make a point so she doesn't have the same things clothes or toys at different houses. So as a group of woman of all kinds of kinds what do you think?
It's socks this time but will this turn into something bigger where I'm not going to be able to trust her with our own personal things as well or will it come down to her trying to do this same with her half siblings belongings?
Any experiences? She's 9.
And like I said it mainly bothers me bc she was sneaky and lied about it. And honesty the sock she wore back were nicer bc they were brand new compared to the ones she was sneaking back that were old.
And maybe this is something age wise she is going through, I've notice this school year her being more nosy about things, ease dropping on conversations and asking questions that honestly have nothing to do with her. And we've always kinda of made a point to keep our things that we feel don't need to get repeated at the other house to ourselves which is pretty easy to do as we only have her two days every other weekend....and maybe she does this at her other house to, idk.
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
 
| I have a stepdaughter.
My best advice is to stop monitoring the things that come and go. They're her things, not yours.
If she packs all of her stuff off, and comes back with nothing, that's on her. She has to make do with what she brought, trust me, she'll figure out a system.
Mine has a few things that she leaves because they're too big to transport easily, but clothes and small things are fluid. If she wanted her big things to go, I'd pack 'em for her.
Those things are hers! | |
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 Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| Could there be an underlying reason for her taking the socks? Like giving them to a classmate that might not have any? But she's scared that she might get in trouble for giving her stuff away?
Re-reading also makes me wonder if she simply prefers the socks you buy her?? I understand wanting to keep "your stuff" that you buy her at your house, but is it really something to get your shorts in a knot about? Does her mother get jealous when she shows up with something you bought her, like a coat?? Are you trying to keep it from being a competition? I don't get why the kids world has to be completely and utterly separated. | |
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | Why is everything so separate. ....are you maybe just a tad bit controlling.....m | |
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Location: Not Where I Want to Be | classicpotatochip - 2017-03-13 1:02 PM I have a stepdaughter. My best advice is to stop monitoring the things that come and go. They're her things, not yours. If she packs all of her stuff off, and comes back with nothing, that's on her. She has to make do with what she brought, trust me, she'll figure out a system. Mine has a few things that she leaves because they're too big to transport easily, but clothes and small things are fluid. If she wanted her big things to go, I'd pack 'em for her. Those things are hers!
bingo | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1718
Location: Southeast Louisiana | If I'm reading right, the issue is about the lying, not the socks. I think I'd ask her if the system of keeping things at separate houses was not working for her. In that conversation, let her know that lying about things is the biggest issue and, if you need to come up with another system (like you relaxing the rules and letting clothes and things come and go as they will) then you can talk about it and make changes as needed so the rules work for everybody. She might just be getting stressed over stringent rules (like "oh, no, I moved some socks") then panicking and trying to fix it so you don't find out and it's no big deal. I would definitely address lying. But, in a way where can be involved and invested in the process. | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 194
Location: Texas | lying is lying, but could the issue be that the socks belong at her moms house and even though you seem to think its no big deal, could she be scared that her mom is upset with her for leaving them at your house? She maybe trying to not upset anyone. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 672
| Why don’t you ask her what is going on with the socks? I would caution you, that for whatever reason it is, to be understanding and NOT get mad or upset, because what you really want to do right now is build trust with her, so that she can bring stuff up to talk to you and not feel like she has to hide anything.
So if it’s because she likes the socks at your house better and wants to take them home, ok so be it. If you see she is running out of socks at your house, let her, then ask her what she plans to do about it when she’s out and comes asking for socks. You are teaching her to be responsible and that her actions have consequences so if she takes socks home, she will need to remember to bring some. | |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9991
Location: Kansas | classicpotatochip - 2017-03-13 12:02 PM I have a stepdaughter. My best advice is to stop monitoring the things that come and go. They're her things, not yours. If she packs all of her stuff off, and comes back with nothing, that's on her. She has to make do with what she brought, trust me, she'll figure out a system. Mine has a few things that she leaves because they're too big to transport easily, but clothes and small things are fluid. If she wanted her big things to go, I'd pack 'em for her. Those things are hers!
I have to agree with this. While I'm not a step parent, but a parent to my daughter.....if she decides to take all her toys over to her fathers house, and come home with nothing to play with, that's on her. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 682
Location: Northwest | I'm in almost exactly the same position except my step daughter just turned 11. I use to be very anal about clothes that we bought her and wanting them to stay at our house because she always wore hand-me-downs at her mom's house and we kept her well clothed (good quality, new stuff) and they'd never come back if she wore them to her moms. I have finally given up and let her wear whatever she wants back and forth. I sometimes feel it reflects poorly on my husband and I but I've decided I don't care anymore because I don't want to give our daughter a complex.
I've found that our daughter can be "sneaky" about clothes too. I think you just need to ask her directly WHY she is wanting to take the socks etc to her mother's. She might have a really good reason. I think the sneakiness comes from not wanting to disappoint you (us) or let you down in some way. Communication, communication, communication. Let her know that she isn't going to be in trouble, that you just want to know why she is doing the things she is doing. Honestly, she probably just likes the stuff you bought her better than her other clothes for whatever reason.
I feel like I'm rambling and not making myself very clear. But hopefully something in there will help you. :) Good luck.
Edited to add: she recently ran out of jeans at our house because her mother DOES try to get her to bring clothes/shoes back to her house and not leave it at ours. SOO, she wears stuff from our house AND takes the stuff she wore the day before :/ grr! Well, I feel it is her responsibility to have clothes in both places since I don't micromanage it anymore. So, for her birthday we gave her money and said she needed to go clothes shopping for some jeans and shoes. I figured the more invested in the process she is, the better.
Edited by 07milch 2017-03-13 12:58 PM
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 Expert
Posts: 2097
Location: Deep South | classicpotatochip - 2017-03-13 12:02 PM
I have a stepdaughter.
My best advice is to stop monitoring the things that come and go. They're her things, not yours.
If she packs all of her stuff off, and comes back with nothing, that's on her. She has to make do with what she brought, trust me, she'll figure out a system.
Mine has a few things that she leaves because they're too big to transport easily, but clothes and small things are fluid. If she wanted her big things to go, I'd pack 'em for her.
Those things are hers!
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| 1DSoon - 2017-03-13 12:20 PM classicpotatochip - 2017-03-13 1:02 PM I have a stepdaughter. My best advice is to stop monitoring the things that come and go. They're her things, not yours. If she packs all of her stuff off, and comes back with nothing, that's on her. She has to make do with what she brought, trust me, she'll figure out a system. Mine has a few things that she leaves because they're too big to transport easily, but clothes and small things are fluid. If she wanted her big things to go, I'd pack 'em for her. Those things are hers! bingo
Ditto | |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | I would be not worry about something so petty as socks. I have been helping my son raise his little girl since she was 18 months old, now she is 7 going on 8 and she has all her clothes toys whatever she needs here at my house and she has the same at her daddys house and now her mommie decided she was going to step up so she has Sterling a few days outa the week and sometimes on the weekend, Sterling goes between the 3 of us but mostly between me and her daddy, she is always wearing her clothes here and there, I never question what she wears to her moms, I buy these clothes for Sterling to wear, sometimes I send extras to with her to her dads are moms, they are clothes nothing more, To me your setting her up to be sneaky about her things and she feels like she got to lie so you dont chew on her about forgetting a pair of socks she worn to her moms. Heck if Sterling wants to take any of her toys with her she can when she gos stays with her mom I dont care I buy things for her to enjoy are wear.. Dont set this child up to feel as if shes got to lie because she forgot to change clothes befor she left your house, thats not right, poor kid. I feel this is so petty but it can grown into a monster if you dont give this kid a break. | |
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  Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | classicpotatochip - 2017-03-13 12:02 PM I have a stepdaughter. My best advice is to stop monitoring the things that come and go. They're her things, not yours. If she packs all of her stuff off, and comes back with nothing, that's on her. She has to make do with what she brought, trust me, she'll figure out a system. Mine has a few things that she leaves because they're too big to transport easily, but clothes and small things are fluid. If she wanted her big things to go, I'd pack 'em for her. Those things are hers!
I too am in agreement with this. Things are things, and at the end of the day, they are hers. I'm guessing she spends more time at her mom's house and you and your husband get her on the weekends or every other? She may want some cool stuff like that at her mom's house too. Don't make a big deal over the socks. Pick your battles on what goes where.
Now the lying is an issue and not something we tolerate at our house, even if it's little insignificant things like this. I wouldn't persecute her over it, but I would make it a point to sit her down and let her know that you and your husband know that she lied about it. We (my husband and I) would make it very clear lying is not ok and that parents never ask a question they don't already almost know the answer to, and if ya'll caught her lying again, she'll wish she hadn't. With little white lies like this, we make our 10 yo do write offs. Sounds silly, but it's effective and keeps them busy for a while. LOL Over Christmas we had one that lied about washing her hair.....twice. I let it slide the first time, but the second time I got her attention......AND she got coal from Santa. One small pc of charcoal with a note on her write offs that said, "Close call, kiddo!".
Don't over think it, but don't under think it either. I would allow her to take things back and forth between the two houses, but what I would not tolerate is any type of sneakiness or lying. Kids don't need any help gaining confidence in misleading or lying to their parents. They will continue to do it no matter what, but I feel like they need to know that WE KNOW! | |
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Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| When mine lies to me (she's a kid. Kids fib.), I call her out on it, firmly but not nastily, talk about how her lie made me feel, why you shouldn't lie, how to better handle a situation so you don't have to lie, and then tell her what her punishment is. Usually, the punishment is no toys or fun stuff for however long, she gets upset and cries, she dries up, punishment is eventually over, she gets a snack to replace the glucose the freak out used up, and we go on about our day.
We've got a pretty good system worked out and she hardly tries me anymore. Consistency, empathy, and understanding are key. Being a stepmom is hard, but being a stepkid must be a *****. | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 287
| I hate stepchildren.
I don't have an answer
Worst years of my life was raising them
Sorry for the outburst. | |
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 Hugs to You
Posts: 7550
Location: In The Land of Cotton | wickedstepmother - 2017-03-13 4:21 PM I hate stepchildren. I don't have an answer Worst years of my life was raising them Sorry for the outburst.
I am right there with you - **** if we did, **** if we didn't. | |
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 Angel in a Sorrel Coat
Posts: 16030
Location: In a happy place | She is just a LITTLE girl. I raised a stepson. I wouldn't worry about it at this age. She might not have an answer as she really doesn't know why she did this. Just love her and put your feelings aside right now. If she is still doing this 5 years down the road I might would worry about it. Can you afford to buy her more socks. If so it is not a big deal. Again just love her you don't have any idea what she might be going through right now. | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 312
Location: KS | Thanks for all the replies/advice.
Just to clarify I was not planning to get mad about this deal, and the actual socks were the least of my concern, it was the sneaking around and lying about it. Which I feel is not like her, we try to keep an open honest relationship with her. And I think the fact it was socks, is what surprised me, why wouldnt she just ask?
As far as her bringing things back and forth that was not started by us, her mother is the one who requested she wear HER clothes back. And my husband and i have sent toys with her that we got her for Christmas and they never got brought back, and I agree with those saying what's hers is hers, but we cant financially support buying her toys and clothes for both houses on top of child support and I don't feel that's fair to us.
And im not going lie it can someimes be a chore to get things ran through the washer when we have alot going on, but I'm talking several years ago if something didn't get returned, oh my husband would hear about it. She lost a blanket once, I would say around age 3, we had no idea where it went, her mom flipped, and I mean flipped, yelling and my husband telling him that was her blanket. Thankfully we found it, she was riding in a ranger with me checking cows and it got lost at grandpa and grandma's, we got it back to her though, and my step daughter never came back with a blanket, which was fine with us she had blankets at our house. :) I guess I agree with what one said, if she wants to take things and not bring any back then that's her prob, and yes I like that attitude and wish I had it but when it comes time to her needing something nice for church, a wedding, etc and doesn't have anything I bought her at our house bc I let her take them then it becomes my problem....unless I just let her wear whatever while the rest of us look cleaned up?
Honestly Ive felt like the system has worked in the past, and maybe I'm more lax about it and she was more concerned that her mom would be upset that her socks didnt get brought back but like I said they were socks. And though I know her mom very little I just can't imagine her getting worked up about socks, anything else yes maybe?
And maybe she's to the age it would just be easier for her to pack a bag when she comes but I feel like that's a pain for a nine year old every other weekenk, everyother holiday, and we actually have her over half the summer to worry about. It's just easy to have things in both places for her.
In reality it was the lying that I was concerned about and thank you for those who were reading that more than the issue being about the socks.
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 312
Location: KS | 07milch - 2017-03-13 12:45 PM
I'm in almost exactly the same position except my step daughter just turned 11. I use to be very anal about clothes that we bought her and wanting them to stay at our house because she always wore hand-me-downs at her mom's house and we kept her well clothed (good quality, new stuff) and they'd never come back if she wore them to her moms. I have finally given up and let her wear whatever she wants back and forth. I sometimes feel it reflects poorly on my husband and I but I've decided I don't care anymore because I don't want to give our daughter a complex.
I've found that our daughter can be "sneaky" about clothes too. I think you just need to ask her directly WHY she is wanting to take the socks etc to her mother's. She might have a really good reason. I think the sneakiness comes from not wanting to disappoint you (us) or let you down in some way. Communication, communication, communication. Let her know that she isn't going to be in trouble, that you just want to know why she is doing the things she is doing. Honestly, she probably just likes the stuff you bought her better than her other clothes for whatever reason.
I feel like I'm rambling and not making myself very clear. But hopefully something in there will help you. :) Good luck.
Edited to add: she recently ran out of jeans at our house because her mother DOES try to get her to bring clothes/shoes back to her house and not leave it at ours. SOO, she wears stuff from our house AND takes the stuff she wore the day before :/ grr! Well, I feel it is her responsibility to have clothes in both places since I don't micromanage it anymore. So, for her birthday we gave her money and said she needed to go clothes shopping for some jeans and shoes. I figured the more invested in the process she is, the better.
Your situation does seem similar. And I don't agree with being anal about where things go either but why do they think that they should wear the clothes at one house back and bag up what came from the other as well?!?! This is my point she will end up with nothing at our house. And like i said her mom buys her just as nice of stuff if not nicer and there not hand me downs bc shes the oldest in both households, like I said the stuff is different bc I make a point to buy her different things. And I would say she prob has 3 x the clothes at her other house, so why should I replace them? | |
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