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Location: Cocoa, Florida | Or any relationship for that matter! It's always good in the beginning, maybe they think the horses are just a phase or that we will give up our time riding or in the barn to rush home and cook dinner, take care of kids etc, I don't know but I feel like it always ends in a disaster for me. I've tried compromising and lessening my time at the barn and riding (which sucks when you have young horses who need riding and seasoning). But it never works out, I feel like the horses have been a huge burden when it comes to trying to have a relationship and I've even thought about giving it up but I know I wouldn't be happy. So I'm down to one colt and one in training that's not mine and I still get crap all the time about how much time I spend at the barn. Most of the issue is that he has a child and cannot do the things I can do freely. I even took weekends off from work so every Sunday I watched his child so he could go fishing, which I love too but I did it for him. Anyway it didn't end well, I'm pretty much a bad person because I spend so much time riding and not Enough time at home (even though I rush now at the barn). But my question is....it's been a year now and he knew this from the beginning, so why does he think it will change now, I feel like I've wasted so much time :(
Living in a beachy area you're not going to find men into horses so this is always a struggle for me. Anyone else have these issues? I'm 34 and feel like I'll be alone forever because of my horse obsession!
Rant over
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Nut Case Expert
Posts: 9305
 
Location: Tulsa, Ok | If it wasn't the horses, it would be knitting, gardening, volleyball, or pretty much anything that kept your time from being centered around HIM. IMHO this is a symptom of HIS issues and HIS need for control in the relationship. I guess the question whether or not you are willing to deal with his jealousy forever. |
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 Money Eating Baggage Owner
Posts: 9586
Location: Phoenix | I wouldn't tolerate it! My hubby knows that I need my horse time to stay sane and he respects that. Your SO doesn't respect your hobby and it's rude and inconsiderate. You don't necessarily need a horsey SO, but someone who understands that horses are important to you and a necessity in your life. |
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| They're hard because you don't want the same things. Couples that don't want the same things either have to both get on the same page, and if that's impossible, then the relationship is doomed to fail. May take two months or twenty years, but they fail.
My thoughts are thus: Please take this with a grain of salt, as I'm a full time gypsy, but the United States is a huge place, millions of horses, and millions of people that have and understand the horse gene.
Why the hell would you stay rooted in a place where the population doesn't call for horse people, and make it that much more difficult to find someone that you can love and that enjoys you and your horses?
If you're not happy with what you've got, why don't you change it? Tomorrow is not promised. |
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  Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | Having horses is NOT your problem....your choice of men IS !
Apparently you choose "self centered" men for a mate. Like someone else mentioned if not your horses.....it would be ANY of your other hobbies.
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 Off the Wall Wacky
Posts: 2981
Location: Louisiana | My husband also rides. But that really has nothing to do with why or how our relationship works.
The horses aren't the problem. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 672
| Don't change something that is a big part of you to fit someone else. I guarantee if you do give up something you love you will eventually come to resent the other person for it and it will cause problems in the relationship.. Yes, you do need to compromise time when you have different hobbies, but you both should be mature enough to make it work.
Don't worry about your age! I think it would be easier to have a relationship with someone who is older, more mature, and can "handle" your need for time with horses. Wait for the right person to come along, you will save yourself a lot of regret and heartache! |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 599
| I married a non-horse guy and he is SO supportive and encouraging. We bought a horse farm and he comes to shows when he does have car races. Plenty of fish in the sea (but I think mine is the best!)! :) |
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 Thread Killer
Posts: 7545
| Through rose colored glasses, red flags look like....well, flags.
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Expert
Posts: 2685
| short answer? They aren't. My boyfriend is from NY. Didn't know which end to feed but he has aspirations and goals and priorities just like I do. He understands the concept of passion. Supports me 100%. Its not about finding a horse- boyfriend. Its about finding a man that wants the best for you AND him. It's about finding a man that FITS YOU. Not that's better, worse- whatever. |
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Location: Wherever the Army sends my husband | Its the type men, not horses. I have friends whom are married to guys that also expected them to give up horses. They are bitter and un-supportive no matter if you point out they have different hobbies. My parents divorced in high school and while horses were the reason, it didn't help matters. That being said I married a man who had never been around horses much less been involved. I made it crystal clear that they were not a passing phase and they were a package deal from day 1. I might sell some or buy some but there was ALWAYS going to be horses in the picture. He doesn't ride although he tried a couple times in attempt to spend time with me. But he is more than supportive. He will help clean stalls or haul hay. When we had our son and I become a stay at home mom, he became the sole provider of income and now pays for the horse expenses. I sold a few to downsize but still have 3. We have been married for 10 years. There's a lot of men out there. The trick is to find the right one. |
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 You get what you give
Posts: 13030
Location: Texas | like someone else said, replace "horse" with literally anything else that takes your time and attention and it will be a problem. Thats how my ex was. Nothing was ever good enough, i never gave him enough attention, etc etc...
My fiance wasn't raised with horses but he embraces all of it 100% because thats part of who I am. He even helps me in the office when I have to write times at races, helps clean stalls, and is trying to keep all the pedigree stuff straight. He's even all for buying however much land we can afford and building a Barndo until we can afford a house so I can keep two horses with me. After dealing with such an unsupportive, selfish person before him, I really really appreciate it even more.
Edited by casualdust07 2017-03-18 3:10 PM
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Regular
Posts: 84
| With all due respect draw the line in the sand or get RID of him. You have to have a supportive partner because even the best relationships have struggles so your hobbies shouldn't be one of them. I married someone that had two kids from previous marriage. I helped him with them but from the beginning I was not expected to sit home with them - they went where he went or we all went together. 27 years later - still have the horses, it's what we do and I can't imagine not having them. The right person is out there but I would rather be single with my horses vs give up my passion. Good luck, stay strong! |
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Expert
Posts: 1612
Location: Cocoa, Florida | Thanks everyone for your input and advice, it just seems like everything was peachy in the beginning and then when we moved in together 9 months later I think he expected things to change. I guess my thing is, I help take his daughter to school every morning and get her dressed, ready and make lunch, whether I have to work early or not I always take her, at night I help bathe her and give her dinner and put her to sleep sometimes so he can have some time to himself too. (She's 4 and autistic so that's not easy either). I feel like I go above and beyond to help him with her daughter And all I want in return is time for my horses. I don't drink, I don't party, I am a home body and I like it, but I love riding and barrel racing. My schedule is always different because I run a hair business so I can't be home every evening.
I think he is depressed and I think he needs some help/medicine also, this is not the same person I fell in love with but I don't want him to drag me down either, it's a hard situation because when it's good it's great but at this point I'm happier when someone isn't giving me a time limit to ride and so on.
I wish we could get some counseling but he's got to want to change or I'm done for good. |
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Married to a Louie Lover
Posts: 3303
| Been there. Done that. Moved on. Now I'm marrying a team roper.
It's great that we have the same passion, really is. But more importantly we both have a passion - that understanding of the sacrifice it takes to be great at something that takes dedication and practice. If he had the same passion about racecars and spent hours in the shop, it would still work because he understands the passion.
I agree that some of the issues come from stress of raising a special needs daughter, etc. and perhaps some expectations of what would happen when you moved in that didn't come to fruition for him (ie not the perfect family).
You have to decide if you're willing to give up what makes you happy, and if not do you think he is willing to support you in your passion. If not, move on. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 899
Location: Idaho | I've dated both, and to tell you the truth. Sure, it is nice to have someone that rides horses. You can buy more horses and they are okay with it, buy more tack, go on trail rides, they'll haul you to races etc. but you still have to deal with other things. My ex (who had horses and was a complete A***H****) at one point of our relationship(He was extremely insecure and controlling by the way, it didn't start to show till after about a year into the relationship), had asked me where all my money went. Why I wasn't spending enough time with him. I, individually had 3 horses, we together had 6 all together. Even when I told him, you have horses too right? He still didn't get it! And WHO was the one who was cleaning all of the stalls? Me. Who was the one keeping their horses legged up, me. Who was the one who spent time with their horses even when I wasn't riding them? Me. and it still was a problem. But anyway.. moving forward.. I walked away from that and with some **** good reasons.
The point is you have to find someone who loves you for you, who understands your passion and accepts you. After I broke up with my ex, I was in ultimate man hater mode lol I literally took a year off from men in general, if they looked at me in any way that said they were interested I told them to f-off. lol But, then I met the man of my dreams. And it was like magic. The first moment I saw him, I knew he was it. It was like out of a novel or a movie, and everything seemed to stand still and everything seemed to change, and he became my world. Now I am with the love of my life and I wouldn't change it for the world. He loves and accepts me and my crazy horse habit, but I accept him for who he is. He is not a horse person by any means, but he supports me and that is what is important. I just feel like, the one will find you when you aren't looking, and sometimes I would say look outside your comfort zone. When I met my man, he lived in Oklahoma and I, in Nevada. And that was okay, because I was willing to move. I knew he was, and is my future. So four months later, I moved me, my life and my pony to Oklahoma and I love it.
Good luck, and don't get your head down. As my grandmother always said, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince.
Oh, and I might want to add that women who have horses.. are independent. Most men, do not know how to handle an independent woman. They want one that is going to need them, because if they don't feel needed then they don't feel like they can be a part of your life. You need to find a man who is independent as well, because you don't NEED a man, you want one. And when you find that man, you want to find a man who can help you with some things to make him feel like he is important.. but say, like me, a lot of the horse stuff is all me. But at home, he likes to help take care of the house because it feels like it is part of his job being the man in the relationship. I say, okay no problem. :) It's a compromise, but when I come home to my man doing dishes, I let him do the dishes lol
Edited by DashNDustem 2017-03-18 11:12 PM
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Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
Location: OH. IO | I've noticed a change in your posts.not too long ago you said OUR daughter.This little girl is a special needs child and SHE is who matters.Im not saying stay because of her her but if you are gonna get out do it now.Shes the one that's gonna have to recover from this.how was it in the beginning?You said you did give up some time in the beginning I believe and now you don't want to anymore.Every relationship is good in the newness of it all then reality sets in.If you're not happy by all means stop the relationship because everyone deserves to be happy.I do see a difference in OUR daughter to HIS daughter so I do thinks it's best for the child that you get out.I probably worded this all wrong but the bottom line is the CHILD . |
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Expert
Posts: 1612
Location: Cocoa, Florida | I understand the bottom line is the child and that's why I've tried to make it work for so long but I will not stay in a toxic relationship and make myself miserable for the rest of my life just because of his child. I plan on still spending time with her as I have a great repore with his grandparents who watch her a lot. So my intentions were to stay in her life as long as I possibly could. Now, if he gets some help or counseling then I would consider going back and working things out, as everything needs the chance to change or get the help they need if THEY want it, but I cannot force him to want to change nor can he change me. |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Been married going on 37 years and my husband is non horsey and the best supporter there is being a non horsey man.. My advice is dont be moving in/living with men if they have children. |
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 Ms. Marine
Posts: 4641
Location: Texas | I met my husband in the Marine Corps and he comes from a completely different walk of life than I do. He isn't a horse person at all. When we first started dating, I told him from the very beginning that if he ever made me choose between my horses or him that I would pick my horses every single time without even as much as a second thought. He respects this and supports my equine addiction, just like I respect and support his hobbies even though I don't share the same interest in them. Eventually the right man will come along that will fit into your life exactly how it is now. Keep your chin up! |
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