|
|
 Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
 
| I'm not even sure if it's my place to try to. It's between my 12 yr old daughter and her father (my ex husband) I'll try and give cliff notes version... our 8 year old son is a baseball phenom and is very active in sports, his father is also now one of his coaches on his fall ball team, so he's very involved in our sons sports activities. I know my daughter has always felt a little jealousy of the relationship between dad and brother. Fast forward, she's now started playing sports, volleyball and cheerleading, her dad hadn't made it to one game or a practice, but what he does do is buys her "the best" equipment and is trying to tell her that he will hire her the best "coach" he can.. that just made her upset she doesn't want a coach, she gets coaching at school. I know my ex, he's extremely competitive and expects the kids to feel the same. Yesterday my daughter came home in tears because of a text message he sent to her telling her she needs to work harder on her volleyball and he's trying to find a coach for lessons. She was crying to me saying she just doesn't feel good enough for him and all she wants is for him to come to a game and just watch without critiquing her and looking for places to improve. I totally get where she's coming from, I do... I made a call to him and explained to him how she was feeling.
He didn't take it well and got very upset he said she totally threw him under the bus to me and that she's so ungrateful and he was disgusted by her behavior. I tried to explain to him that he can come across a little aggressive at times and all she wanted was for him to just watch her and let her enjoy it, she's made more friends on that team and she's having a blast playing but she feels like dad is going to ruin it for her. My talk to him was worthless because about 30 minutes later she came to my room hysterical crying because he sent her a very mean text message. Totally childish of him. She has a game today and he was supposed to go watch her but has decided he's going to her brothers baseball practice instead because they fall in at the same time. That crushed her.
I want to intervene, actually I want to hit him upside the head with a skillet but I can't... obviously. .. I've got her calmed down and feeling better but now I'm wondering if I should try to have another conversation with him. But I don't want him to go after her again. He's very difficult to talk to but I feel like my daughter needs to be heard and she's scared to talk to him. I'm not even sure what I'd say that I hadn't said already! I did tell my daughter, her dad's heart is in the right place, his intention is good, it's just his delivery that stinks! She wants him to listen to her |
|
| |
|
 A Barrel Of Monkeys
Posts: 12972
  
Location: Texas | You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Tell her "that's just the way he is" and let it go. Make sure YOU go to every, single game and encourage her. When she asks why her father doesn't take more interest, shrug and say "he's missing out".
I had to learn to expect nothing from the father figure because most of the time, that's what I got.
|
|
| |
|
Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| Fun2Run - 2017-09-14 3:10 PM
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Tell her "that's just the way he is" and let it go. Make sure YOU go to every, single game and encourage her. When she asks why her father doesn't take more interest, shrug and say "he's missing out".Â
I had to learn to expect nothing from the father figure because most of the time, that's what I got.
Â
You are so right! |
|
| |
|
 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | I would just leave him alone, dont tell him when her games are anymore, just leave it. I bet after a few months he will start to wonder why no one is texting or calling him and then he may start to show some interest in her games and show up after he see's that no one cares anymore. I think your making it wrost by telling him he needs to go to her games, better if left alone to see if he will come around on him own after no more texting or calling him, maybe he will be the one feeling left out after awhile.  |
|
| |
|
 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 575
| Southtxponygirl - 2017-09-14 2:35 PM
I would just leave him alone, dont tell him when her games are anymore, just leave it. I bet after a few months he will start to wonder why no one is texting or calling him and then he may start to show some interest in her games and  show up after he see's that no one cares anymore. I think your making it wrost by telling him he needs to go to her games, better if left alone to see if he will come around on him own after no more texting or calling him, maybe he will be the one feeling left out after awhile.Â
I like this.
My mom did a similar deal for me... She would tell my dad when my activities were, but she wouldn't tell me if he said he was coming. That way when he bailed, I wasn't disappointed. And IF he did show up, it was a pleasant surprise. She bore a lot of that weight by herself and as I aged I was able to appreciate her so much more for trying to protect me! Keep your chin up and keep doing right by your daughter. Hugs to you! |
|
| |
|
  Neat Freak
Posts: 11216
Location: Wonderful Wyoming | Fun2Run - 2017-09-14 2:10 PM You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Tell her "that's just the way he is" and let it go. Make sure YOU go to every, single game and encourage her. When she asks why her father doesn't take more interest, shrug and say "he's missing out".
I had to learn to expect nothing from the father figure because most of the time, that's what I got.
I have to agree. It's too bad really. |
|
| |
|
 Expert
Posts: 5293
| rpreast - 2017-09-14 1:59 PM
Southtxponygirl - 2017-09-14 2:35 PM
I would just leave him alone, dont tell him when her games are anymore, just leave it. I bet after a few months he will start to wonder why no one is texting or calling him and then he may start to show some interest in her games and  show up after he see's that no one cares anymore. I think your making it wrost by telling him he needs to go to her games, better if left alone to see if he will come around on him own after no more texting or calling him, maybe he will be the one feeling left out after awhile.Â
I like this.
My mom did a similar deal for me... She would tell my dad when my activities were, but she wouldn't tell me if he said he was coming. That way when he bailed, I wasn't disappointed. And IF he did show up, it was a pleasant surprise. She bore a lot of that weight by herself and as I aged I was able to appreciate her so much more for trying to protect me! Keep your chin up and keep doing right by your daughter. Hugs to you!
My fear would be that if you didn't text or involve him, he probably won't care as he is so involved in the baseball world with his son. I would instead text him or tell him when every single game is, but not expect him to be there. |
|
| |
|
 Expert
Posts: 1718
Location: Southeast Louisiana | I'll be the odd one out here... don't stop trying, don't stop showing your daughter what that effort looks like. She's learning how well adjusted adults look when they try to have a conversation. She can see for herself that his behavior is not what she wants to emulate. Even if he isn't going to respond like you would prefer. Who knows, your words might sink in and maybe he will start giving her what she needs. I would tell him that equipment and coaches aren't her currency. What is meaningful to her is that he shows up, keeps his criticism to himself and encourages her. |
|
| |
|
 Elite Veteran
Posts: 929
| want2chase3 - 2017-09-14 1:18 PM
Fun2Run - 2017-09-14 3:10 PM
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Tell her "that's just the way he is" and let it go. Make sure YOU go to every, single game and encourage her. When she asks why her father doesn't take more interest, shrug and say "he's missing out".Â
I had to learn to expect nothing from the father figure because most of the time, that's what I got.
Â
You are so right!
This. I had to experience this for myself as a girl to realize what to expect from my father. It will be hard for your daughter as a teen, but hopefully as a young woman she will come to the realization that it has nothing to do with her and she will stop putting so much importance on her interaction with him.
I'm so sorry she has to go through this...especially at a time when girls are so focused on the opinions of others. |
|
| |
|
Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| He has access to her schedule online thru the school, I know he signed up to be able to look at it, I do send him reminders though. I know he was planning on going to the game tonight up until our conversation. His ego got in the way, but like many have said, his loss. I'll be there for her. |
|
| |
|
 You get what you give
Posts: 13030
Location: Texas | I'm not sure what to suggest other than don't KEEP anything from him, but don't go out of your way to inform him of stuff.. if he has access to the calendar, then he's a grown up and can look himself. I definitely agree to let things settle down and don't push this issue right now. But if you intentionally keep info from him, that's ammunition in his corner. Just make sure all information about her practices and games is easily accessible, but don't shove it down his throat. That way the only person he can blame is himself- you didn't withhold any information from him.
And I suppose for her sake try to stay as neutral as possible, which it looks like that's exactly what youre doing. You don't want to fuel any animosity toward him but you also have to be there for her and comfort her. Without making him look like more of an ass than he makes himself look :P |
|
| |
|
 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 425
Location: California | If you do end up talking to him about this again, maybe explain that girls are typically more sensitive and may need to be delt with differently than boys. Maybe he can't figure out how to handle a girl and just being there. You can't always buy support. He needs to go and be there for her. If I would have seen the text from him to your daughter, it would have taken a lot inside of me to keep from going off from her phone on how dare he act like that!! So not okay!!
hugs to you and your daughter!! |
|
| |
|
A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | FLITASTIC - 2017-09-14 4:17 PM rpreast - 2017-09-14 1:59 PM Southtxponygirl - 2017-09-14 2:35 PM I would just leave him alone, dont tell him when her games are anymore, just leave it. I bet after a few months he will start to wonder why no one is texting or calling him and then he may start to show some interest in her games and show up after he see's that no one cares anymore. I think your making it wrost by telling him he needs to go to her games, better if left alone to see if he will come around on him own after no more texting or calling him, maybe he will be the one feeling left out after awhile. I like this. My mom did a similar deal for me... She would tell my dad when my activities were, but she wouldn't tell me if he said he was coming. That way when he bailed, I wasn't disappointed. And IF he did show up, it was a pleasant surprise. She bore a lot of that weight by herself and as I aged I was able to appreciate her so much more for trying to protect me! Keep your chin up and keep doing right by your daughter. Hugs to you! My fear would be that if you didn't text or involve him, he probably won't care as he is so involved in the baseball world with his son. I would instead text him or tell him when every single game is, but not expect him to be there.
Not saying anyone should keep things from him, just saying he does have another child that he should know that she needs attention, love and support from her daddy just like any other child does, but if hes gonna play favorites then I would just stop with asking and telling him he needs to go to her games to just dont even say anything any more and let him figure it out himself, hes a grown man. |
|
| |
|
 The Vaccinator
Posts: 3810
Location: Slipping down the slope of old age. Boo hoo. | Hugs to you -- and your daughter. It's easy to see why you are not longer married to this selfish and self-centered man. Good for you! I think the fact you are talking with your daughter about his reaction and actions - and lack of actions - and her feelings, is the best thing right now - keep that door open to talk with her and validate her feelings about the situation -- it's a great opportunity to talk about the realities of life -- not everyone is nice - and often it's family members who are the most NOT nice people....and continue letting her know it is nothing she has done -- it is HIS issue and HIS loss. She does not have to have his validation to be the most wonderful person in the Universe.
I'd provide the dates of her games and then leave it there. Don't put a focus on it and make it a big deal. I would get out of his drama sand box. And I'd find something I could do with BOTH children together -- camping or fishing or kayaking or something where they are just together to interact regularly to build and solidify their personal relationship so the father's favoritism does not ruin their relationship.
People like your ex do not change. If he would change you would not have left him! All you can do is manage your reaction and actions. |
|
| |
|
Duct Tape Bikini Girl
Posts: 2554
| Yes, hugs to you and your daughter. Most importantly, remind her the purpose of participating in sports is to have fun and make friends. My mom has been gone for several years now, but I can still hear her telling me to go have fun. I remind myself of that goal every time I run up the alleyway. |
|
| |
|
 Chicken Chick
Posts: 3562
Location: Texas | My mom and dad were married until I was 19. He made it to 1 T-ball game and 1 Varsity game, oh and he made 1 varsity practice (where he got me benched after he tried to fight my coach, how that was my fault I have no clue). I played 2 seasons of softball a year most years and he sat at home every single time. He never made a track meet, he never made a Volleyball game, and he never saw me cheer. He rarely even let me tell him how my games went. He missed out, not me. I just know that my mom was at every single practice and game no matter what. It did not matter if she just broke her arm, or had to work late. I always knew I could count on my mom to be there. The rest doesn't matter to me anymore. Now that me and my sister are grown, my dad has a lot of regrets. I don't feel sorry for him honestly, it was his choice and his loss. He can deal with it because he didn't care when it mattered. If I did talk him into playing catch with me in the yard, his goal was to prove how horrible I was. Which I wasn't, but somehow that made him feel good about himself.
So no real advice other than I have been in her shoes. It sucks, it hurts, it makes you angry, she will get over it... mostly, and she will always know who was there for her. He will have regrets.
|
|
| |
|
Neat Freak
Posts: 11216
Location: Wonderful Wyoming | Just have to say, because divorces are usually pretty ugly. My mom left when I was a baby and I saw her 2 times in my life after that and I am in my late 30's. The best thing he ever did was not say anything bad about her to me. I grew up with no hard feelings towards her that way and I am sure my dad had some.
Inform him of your daughters schedule if need be, but I wouldn't push for him to be there. Sounds like she may be better off if he isn't. I never get why parents are so stinking competitive for their kids. I am a very competitive person and expect my kids to finish whatever they start even if they decide it isn't for them, they just don't have to sign up next year. I just never think they have to be the best of the best and push them. Sports should be fun at that age.  |
|
| |
|
Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| Thanks for all the replies... well she got injured in this mornings volleyball practice, sitting in the er waiting for x rays, I'm pretty sure she either broke it or did some heavy damage :-( her volleyball and cheer this year may be put on hold. She's crushed but I'm here with her. |
|
| |
|
 Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | want2chase3 - 2017-09-15 11:56 AM
Thanks for all the replies... well she got injured in this mornings volleyball practice, sitting in the er waiting for x rays, I'm pretty sure she either broke it or did some heavy damage :-( her volleyball and cheer this year may be put on hold. She's crushed but I'm here with her.
I am so sorry. Prayers for your daughter. |
|
| |
|
Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
Location: OH. IO | Prayers for her.please update when you can.Chin up young lady,you got this! |
|
| |
Folks on-line