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 Hummer's Hero
Posts: 3071
  
Location: Smack Dab in the Middle | I need a place to vent where I have a degree of anonymity. Not doing this for sympathy or pity--I just need to get it off my chest. This is about my finances--which I'm very private about, so if you know me in real life...please pretend you don't know any of this.
About the time I met him, my husband bought a truck (semi) and began his venture of self employment. It was rough getting started, and occasionally we had rough patches, but all in all it made us a very good living. He worked A LOT and slept very little, and was occasionally a miserable jerk, but I digress.
He'd been head hunted for several years by a friend of ours to come to work for him. Early this year we had an opportunity to sell the truck and dissolve the business we owned. OK...hit me a little unprepared but I knew he was done. He wanted out and took the opportunity. I won't go into details about who he's working for, but it's a 100% commission job with no benefits. We have health insurance though my job, so ok, and I padded our savings with every last penny I could find, knowing that it would take him a couple of months to get started. It's no secret that I make enough to pay our health insurance, house payment and daycare and then I tap out. Those are our 3 largest expenses so I feel like I'm doing ok.
Fast forward to early summer, he's finally through all his training and certifications (all at our expense) and not really making anything yet. I've sold several horses and what not to keep us solvent but we end up having to borrow from his mom, which I was against. But my kids are fed and bills are mostly paid--but I tell him we can't survive another stretch like that. He knows...he knows.
Fast forward again to now...and he hasn't had a paycheck since early August. I had to get an extension on our house payment last month (which I cannot do again for 12 months) and I'm behind on just about everything. I pray every day that the kids don't get sick or hurt because I can't afford a co-pay right now. Thankfully I'm a hoarder, so between the deep freeze and the canned goods, and my MIL bringing a huge round of groceries with her last weekend, everybody is still eating. I've sent off paperwork to cash in my retirement money--and pay the huge taxes and penalty for early withdrawl--from my last job. That will at least get us mostly caught up. I told his mom last weekend that I wouldn't let her loan us anymore money--it was just a crutch.
I made him go fill out an app a couple of weeks ago, then finally *****ed at him enough all of last week to make him call and check on it. He got a phone interview, and he knows he has to take a job, but he doesn't want to. I've got an offer for a part time job, but it will conflict with the shift says he'll take, so there goes that. He's sure that he's going to keep working for his friend because of the "potential". He's furious that I'm telling him he has to get a different job--even though he swears he knows he has to do it. I'm angry that he has put us in this position. My one silver lining is that--despite what it sounds like--we get along so much better now that he sleeps like a normal human. We haven't really fought about this until the last few days because I can't take it anymore. Every time I have take a call and tell someone that I just don't have the money that we owe...kills me. I'm horribly ashamed. I'm defeated. I'm just stressed, and angry, and lost, and depressed.
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 Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
 
| Sorry, hugs.
Why hasn't the job with the friend panned out? If that's the case, then maybe you should talk to the friend about putting him on an hourly wage because I'm sure your hubby doesn't just sit around and read the paper for that guy. If not, then your husband needs to tell him that he can't afford to work there anymore.
I would think your husband is probably just as ashamed as you are, maybe more so, but guys have a funny way of showing it. He doesn't want to admit defeat anymore than you do, which, to me, is why he's staying with the friend. He doesn't want to tell his friend the job sucks and he's out of money. |
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 I Prefer to Live in Fantasy Land
Posts: 64864
Location: In the Hills of Texas | I don't have any advice but I can sure send you some prayers and positive thoughts.  |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| So sorry, sometimes you have to live like you have to so you can live like you want to in the future. He needs income coming in to get you financially secure, then enough in savings before he tries any commission jobs. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1857
| I feel like you just described my life, self employed husband that lost the will to go and seek work. They get burned out and completely shut down. He's finally back at it but it was a rough 5-6 months. still playing catch up but we're climbing.
Hang in there, once you're on the bottom you have no other direction to go but up! |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | Hugs.....Believe it or not, there are quite a few people that are in similarly situations such as yours. It will get better, and I hope it gets better for you soon. |
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  Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | Nateracer - 2017-09-19 12:25 PM Sorry, hugs.
Why hasn't the job with the friend panned out? If that's the case, then maybe you should talk to the friend about putting him on an hourly wage because I'm sure your hubby doesn't just sit around and read the paper for that guy. If not, then your husband needs to tell him that he can't afford to work there anymore.
I would think your husband is probably just as ashamed as you are, maybe more so, but guys have a funny way of showing it. He doesn't want to admit defeat anymore than you do, which, to me, is why he's staying with the friend. He doesn't want to tell his friend the job sucks and he's out of money.
^^^^ By your post it has been 6 months? Waaaay too long for any kind of "opportunity" to not start paying off. To motivate him, I would start selling off HIS things ....truck, horse, saddles, guns, tools ....anything important to HIM! Years ago, my son was kind of the same way until his wife started putting HIS things up for sale.....Good Luck! |
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Hummer's Hero
Posts: 3071
Location: Smack Dab in the Middle | NJJ - 2017-09-19 1:44 PM
Nateracer - 2017-09-19 12:25 PM Sorry, hugs.
Why hasn't the job with the friend panned out? If that's the case, then maybe you should talk to the friend about putting him on an hourly wage because I'm sure your hubby doesn't just sit around and read the paper for that guy. If not, then your husband needs to tell him that he can't afford to work there anymore.
I would think your husband is probably just as ashamed as you are, maybe more so, but guys have a funny way of showing it. He doesn't want to admit defeat anymore than you do, which, to me, is why he's staying with the friend. He doesn't want to tell his friend the job sucks and he's out of money.
^^^^ By your post it has been 6 months? Waaaay too long for any kind of "opportunity" to not start paying off. To motivate him, I would start selling off HIS things ....truck, horse, saddles, guns, tools ....anything important to HIM! Years ago, my son was kind of the same way until his wife started putting HIS things up for sale.....Good Luck!
I have put our trailer up for sale--which hit him pretty hard, and his 78 F100. Both are harder sales apparently. Lots of inquiries, and a few lookers, no sales. I can't sell his horse--our 6 year old son rides him. Saddle maybe, guns and tools might get me divorced.
I do realize it takes a little time to get established in what he's doing. But maybe it's not for him--but he is struggling with what it can be. Our friend (who doesn't own the business) makes a **** good living at it. They can't change him to hourly or salary because he is not the only employee. My husband is a hard headed personality and things have to be "his idea". He's also they type that just works harder instead of accepting failure. I just don't think it's the right path for him, but I'm a terrible wife for saying it. That's why I've let it drag out so long--trying to let it be "his" decision. |
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 Reaching for the stars....
Posts: 12708
| Hugs your way. Prayers for money-rain. All those kinds of things!
I had to sell off my entire breeding program in 2013 due to job loss and nothing coming along for a year. My hubb pays the mortgage but I pay the horses 100% and the house bills. It's tough. It sucked. I had my 'cross' on the ground and only another couple years to see the proof of the breeding plan and *poof* gone. It took 2 years to recover financially, and then it took my mom passing and the $$'s she left to rebuild our savings. I'd've rather stayed broke than the last part.
Prayers for your break to be very, very soon.
Edited by lonely va barrelxr 2017-09-19 3:00 PM
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 Expert
Posts: 2128
| My husband has always worked for himself. Hes tried a couple of different businesses that have put us in financial stress but never to the point you are. I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are one tough cookie. Keep your chin up, surely there is smooth sailing ahead and all will be fine! Hugs and prayers. |
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Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
Location: OH. IO | Stop finding ways to keep this going.i would tell him you already drained your 401k and there is no more ways for you to come up with cash.give him the bills and tell him to pay them.as long as you are making it and using your money it won't stop.Ill pray for you as it is a very difficult situation but the time is NOW for him to step up and relieve you of this stress!!!!!!!hugs to you. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 929
| I am so sorry for you. This is tough. Hopefully something comes through for you guys in the meantime. Are there any odd jobs he can do for extra cash in his "off" time? Hauling? Digging posts? McDonald's, even? No one said it would be noble, but it will be some money in the bank (or paying the bills) and food on the table.
Hugs and prayers for you. I've been in your situation before. I hope and pray that your situation turns out better than mine did. |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | Prayers and good thoughts sent your way. And don't be ashamed---more people than you can imagine are in your shoes (or worse), and for possibly worse reasons than a job not panning out like y'all thought. Chin up, and we are always here for you. . . |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 672
| jake16 - 2017-09-19 4:08 PM
Stop finding ways to keep this going.i would tell him you already drained your 401k and there is no more ways for you to come up with cash.give him the bills and tell him to pay them.as long as you are making it and using your money it won't stop.Ill pray for you as it is a very difficult situation but the time is NOW for him to step up and relieve you of this stress!!!!!!!hugs to you.
I totally agree. It's a partnership and it should not be one sided. The worst thing I ever did was to cover for my husband when he was in between jobs/hard spot and I too drained all my savings. That was YEARS ago and I am still working to catch up. It's like once you start it wont stop. Sh!t is about to hit the fan here. Hoping you can get your problems resolved as well. It's a scary, hopeless, depressing situation, but it CAN be resolved. Praying for you!! |
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 Scooters Savior
Location: "Si Fi" Ville | My husband lost his job a few years back. It was a specialty job and his ex employer made dang sure he couldn't work for competitors. He went from $30/hr plus tons of perks to no job for 5 months and then minimum wage for 6 months. He finally got a better paying job but started at the bottom. I worked 80 hr weeks for a year and I'm nearly at retirement age. It took a toll. He quickly worked his way up in new job. It had been two years since he was fired that fateful Thanksgiving weekend with only $200 to our name and a butt load of bills, and lo and behold old company calls and calls and calls, they finally enticed him to go back to work with them.
But he hasn't been the same since he was fired. For the first year he was on autopilot. He's better now but still different.
Is it ok if I ask if you would pm me, no names, just send me a PayPal address and I could help you out a little? I wouldn't ask but I feel God has compelled me to do so and would be glad to send a little help your way, completely anonymous of course. God has blessed me and I feel that he has some blessings I'm to pass on to you.
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | treasurehunter - 2017-09-19 10:53 PM
My husband lost his job a few years back. It was a specialty job and his ex employer made dang sure he couldn't work for competitors. He went from $30/hr plus tons of perks to no job for 5 months and then minimum wage for 6 months. He finally got a better paying job but started at the bottom. I worked 80 hr weeks for a year and I'm nearly at retirement age. It took a toll. He quickly worked his way up in new job. It had been two years since he was fired that fateful Thanksgiving weekend with only $200 to our name and a butt load of bills, and lo and behold old company calls and calls and calls, they finally enticed him to go back to work with them.
But he hasn't been the same since he was fired. For the first year he was on autopilot. He's better now but still different.
Is it ok if I ask if you would pm me, no names, just send me a PayPal address and I could help you out a little? I wouldn't ask but I feel God has compelled me to do so and would be glad to send a little help your way, completely anonymous of course. God has blessed me and I feel that he has some blessings I'm to pass on to you.
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Expert
Posts: 1586
Location: west of East Texas | I feel your pain and need to vent! My husband got 'reduced' to 25% of his salary two years ago and hasn't done much to make up that 75% he lost. It's like he just froze in place. He is 63yo and doesn't seem to think he's hirable. He is a geologist in the oil industry and two years ago he was probably right - but now??? When we met he was 50 and had NO retirement. For the last 13 years I have made him contribute the max allowed so he has been withdrawing $$ from that when we need it but he doesn't have enough in there to start withdrawing yet!!! He hasn't really TRIED to find new full time employment or consulting jobs. He's acts retired, shorts and flip flops every day, but doesn't have the income to support that! I finally told him last week that he needed to put on his big boy pants and go start visiting his oilfield contacts. And I literally meant big boy pants - real business pants! :) He hasn't yet! He got mad and spouted off to me that why didn't I take some money out of my retirement. I absolutely refused! I'm still working (I'm 54) and make a nice salary but he made twice as much as me and we can't cover our bills like this! |
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 Expert
Posts: 1718
Location: Southeast Louisiana | chasendacash - 2017-09-19 11:25 PM
I feel your pain and need to vent! My husband got 'reduced' to 25% of his salary two years ago and hasn't done much to make up that 75% he lost. It's like he just froze in place. He is 63yo and doesn't seem to think he's hirable. He is a geologist in the oil industry and two years ago he was probably right - but now??? When we met he was 50 and had NO retirement. For the last 13 years I have made him contribute the max allowed so he has been withdrawing $$ from that when we need it but he doesn't have enough in there to start withdrawing yet!!! He hasn't really TRIED to find new full time employment or consulting jobs. He's acts retired, shorts and flip flops every day, but doesn't have the income to support that! I finally told him last week that he needed to put on his big boy pants and go start visiting his oilfield contacts. And I literally meant big boy pants - real business pants! :) He hasn't yet! He got mad and spouted off to me that why didn't I take some money out of my retirement. I absolutely refused! I'm still working (I'm 54) and make a nice salary but he made twice as much as me and we can't cover our bills like this!
Yeah, I cringed when I read her part about taking out of her retirement. I'm in no position to tell anybody what to do, and you have to do what's best for you, but the penalties for touching that retirement go way beyond dollar amounts. I don't like the idea of being forced to deliver pizzas in my 60's to pay for groceries. Personally, from what she's posted here, I'd sell his guns and tools before I'd touch the retirement account. |
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Expert
Posts: 1718
Location: Southeast Louisiana | To the OP, I wish I could help you in some way. I'll be praying for you and I sure hope you catch a break soon. It sure sounds like he's gotten depressed from the whole struggle and needs some boost to help get him going again. I pray he gets back in gear soon.
So sorry you're going through all of this. |
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Veteran
Posts: 217
| I really don't have a experience to help with this, but I want to try and help. Is there a way you can convince him to go to job fairs for the job he's wanting to specialize in? Does he have any friends that can help play wingman in convincing him to try doing a different job to take some of this stress off of you? Can you convince him to upload his resume on job sites? Or do they make a product guys can sell from home he'd be passionate about?
I'm sorry, sending virtual hugs your way. Hoping something happens for you |
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