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 Elite Veteran
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Location: Idaho | So my wedding is in a week and half and I am super excited.
But earlier this week, I got a phone call from my friend who I have known for pretty close to 20 years and she was supposed to be one of my bridesmaids. I have been her Maid of Honor twice. I originally asked her if she wanted to be my MOH, but she said not let my other friend be the MOH because she doesn't really have the time to commit to it. So she became a bridesmaid. Through the whole process of planning this wedding, this friend has been giving me nothing but struggle. She gave excuse after excuse as to why she couldn't do something, or it was too hard so she just "didn't do it." Such as going to get her dress, the store was a 20 minute drive from her house yet it was "so far away." Or she was making the bouquets, she called be saying it was "too hard" so we should do something different. I've had to have to keep shoving her in the direction to do little things, and Yes, I gave an out multiple times asking her is she 'really' wanted to do this. She would always say yes. So fast forward to earlier this week, She made the bouquets for the wedding and I saw a picture of her step daughter, with one of my bouquets, on social media, because her step daughter "wanted a picture with it." To me, I felt real disrespected because that stuff is not a toy.. it for my wedding! Plus I hired a professional photographer and it was not cheap, I feel like to take pics of stuff before and sharing it to the public, really takes away from the wedding. Anyway, so I called her and politely asked her to take it down. She went off on me. She yelled at me, cursed at me, called all of the stuff she was making "sh!t", told me she hated my maid of honor (who I have also known for about the same amount of time, we both went to school with) and she didn't want to be in the same room with her and she can't do it. She also played herself as a victim and that everyone "always walks on her" which has never been the case between me and her. I'm always the one to pick her up and keep her standing.
I was shocked and speechless. I asked her where was all this coming from. Finally I got it out of her that she is just stressed out with life and school and her kids and she feels like going on a vacation is not what she has time for. Once again, I have asked her multiple times if she really wanted to do this.. and she told me yes. So we ended this with an she's not going. She does not live in the same state as me and I literally had to get after her to ship my flowers to the wedding destination, but we already purchased new flowers for a florist in the area because I honestly didn't think she was going to send it. Also, with her now not going.. she had 5 people in her party, that's a small chunk of change out of our pocket for food that isn't going to get eaten because of this.
I am feeling very grateful because another friend of mind stepped up in her spot, and we already got her dress and shoes and we are ready to move forward. So I am feeling very blessed. I really don't need that type of immaturity and drama on me and my fiance's big day. However, now I have people telling me I should not be friends with my friend over this and that they would totally understand if I didn't talk to her anymore. I see people breaking off friendships over weddings, and I have to ask is it worth kicking her to the curb for her behavior? I have known her for so long, it's really hard for me to see the other side of it. Not to mention I love her kids. I am their adopted Aunt and they love to see me when I visit. We are not going to use the bouquets and flowers she made for the wedding since we already got new ones, I am actually surprised she shipped stuff out.. For a few days she was complaining about how much it would be to rush it, not taking into account that how much we spent on them.
Sorry for the novel, I just thought I would get some opinions from other people that really don't know everyone that is going to be in this wedding.
Edited by DashNDustem 2017-10-26 4:15 PM
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 You get what you give
Posts: 13030
  
Location: Texas | It doesn't matter what other people would do. What would you do? If you are the type of person that can go on with life and move on and forgive, then do it. I would probably keep her at an arms distance and not really count on her to do anything for me ever again, but I would still be polite and nice. Some people cant help but be drama and would blow up all over this whole scenario, but I think it's better for you in the long run if you have made peace with it to just leave it alone and move on.
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 Expert
Posts: 1718
Location: Southeast Louisiana | Sounds like she has some other stuff going on in her life. I'd just let her know that you care and are there for her, if she needs anything or just to talk. Just leave the door open so she can reach out to you, but yeah, she needs to be the one to reach out and maybe apologize after she went off on you. As far as the picture with the flowers, it would not have been a big deal to me. You might be over reacting a little on that. But, on the other hand, it's your wedding so she should have respected how you felt about your flowers and taken the picture down without protest. Just let the dust settle and then reach out to her. You're both probably stressed right now. | |
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 Saint Stacey
| I think both of the replies you’ve already gotten on this thread were spot on. I just want to add that’s it’s very easy for “friends” to tell us what we should or shouldn’t do...or how we should or shouldn’t feel about a situation...or how they would have done it different. That’s fine. But just remember that YOU are the one that looks in the mirror everyday and YOU are the one that has to be happy with the person who is staring back at you. Do what feels right to YOU and treat her in the way that makes YOU feel ok with the situation. The “friends” telling you what to do aren’t the ones walking in your shoes. | |
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Veteran
Posts: 134
| I think that you are the only one that can decide if it is worth keeping the friendship as you are the only one that knows its worth to you.
That being said, I got married three years ago and I still have not talked to my maid of honor. We were each other's maid of honor and in her wedding, several years before mine, she ran me absolutely ragged with no respect for my time or pocketbook. I "joked" with her at that time that I hoped she would put in as much effort into my wedding as I did hers. Long story short, my wedding rolled around and I definitely did not get the effort back.
I never said a word about my disappointment and decided to wait until I heard from her again to make contact. Three years later, I am still waiting....So, if the friendship means something to you I would give it some time and reach out to her.
Edited by EagleJess 2017-10-26 6:56 PM
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Nita - 2017-10-26 6:37 PM Sounds like she has some other stuff going on in her life. I'd just let her know that you care and are there for her, if she needs anything or just to talk. Just leave the door open so she can reach out to you, but yeah, she needs to be the one to reach out and maybe apologize after she went off on you. As far as the picture with the flowers, it would not have been a big deal to me. You might be over reacting a little on that. But, on the other hand, it's your wedding so she should have respected how you felt about your flowers and taken the picture down without protest. Just let the dust settle and then reach out to her. You're both probably stressed right now.
Ditto, wish her well, mail her a note that you hope the stresss in her life gets better and if she needs to talk or vent, you are just a phone call away. The ball is in her court. As to the picture, I don’t think it would bother me, maybe your reaction might not have been so strong if she had not been so irritating through this whole process. Congrats on the wedding, hope you can get the drama out of the way and enjoy your day. Post pictures! | |
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| DashNDustem - 2017-10-26 4:09 PM So my wedding is in a week and half and I am super excited. But earlier this week, I got a phone call from my friend who I have known for pretty close to 20 years and she was supposed to be one of my bridesmaids. I have been her Maid of Honor twice. I originally asked her if she wanted to be my MOH, but she said not let my other friend be the MOH because she doesn't really have the time to commit to it. So she became a bridesmaid. Through the whole process of planning this wedding, this friend has been giving me nothing but struggle. She gave excuse after excuse as to why she couldn't do something, or it was too hard so she just "didn't do it." Such as going to get her dress, the store was a 20 minute drive from her house yet it was "so far away." Or she was making the bouquets, she called be saying it was "too hard" so we should do something different. I've had to have to keep shoving her in the direction to do little things, and Yes, I gave an out multiple times asking her is she 'really' wanted to do this. She would always say yes. So fast forward to earlier this week, She made the bouquets for the wedding and I saw a picture of her step daughter, with one of my bouquets, on social media, because her step daughter "wanted a picture with it." To me, I felt real disrespected because that stuff is not a toy.. it for my wedding! Plus I hired a professional photographer and it was not cheap, I feel like to take pics of stuff before and sharing it to the public, really takes away from the wedding. Anyway, so I called her and politely asked her to take it down. She went off on me. She yelled at me, cursed at me, called all of the stuff she was making "sh!t", told me she hated my maid of honor (who I have also known for about the same amount of time, we both went to school with) and she didn't want to be in the same room with her and she can't do it. She also played herself as a victim and that everyone "always walks on her" which has never been the case between me and her. I'm always the one to pick her up and keep her standing. I was shocked and speechless. I asked her where was all this coming from. Finally I got it out of her that she is just stressed out with life and school and her kids and she feels like going on a vacation is not what she has time for. Once again, I have asked her multiple times if she really wanted to do this.. and she told me yes. So we ended this with an she's not going. She does not live in the same state as me and I literally had to get after her to ship my flowers to the wedding destination, but we already purchased new flowers for a florist in the area because I honestly didn't think she was going to send it. Also, with her now not going.. she had 5 people in her party, that's a small chunk of change out of our pocket for food that isn't going to get eaten because of this. I am feeling very grateful because another friend of mind stepped up in her spot, and we already got her dress and shoes and we are ready to move forward. So I am feeling very blessed. I really don't need that type of immaturity and drama on me and my fiance's big day. However, now I have people telling me I should not be friends with my friend over this and that they would totally understand if I didn't talk to her anymore. I see people breaking off friendships over weddings, and I have to ask is it worth kicking her to the curb for her behavior? I have known her for so long, it's really hard for me to see the other side of it. Not to mention I love her kids. I am their adopted Aunt and they love to see me when I visit. We are not going to use the bouquets and flowers she made for the wedding since we already got new ones, I am actually surprised she shipped stuff out.. For a few days she was complaining about how much it would be to rush it, not taking into account that how much we spent on them. Sorry for the novel, I just thought I would get some opinions from other people that really don't know everyone that is going to be in this wedding.
sorry, but I think your reaction here was over the top.
in response to the rest, I would just tell her it's unfortunate that this has overshadowed your 20 years of friendship and leave the ball in her court if she wants to repair it. she either gets back to you and you work through it or she doesn't and you move on. | |
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Nut Case Expert
Posts: 9305
Location: Tulsa, Ok | I think the ball is in her court. Be friendly and respectful and see how she responds. I think she will chart the course of your future relationship. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 899
Location: Idaho | Thank's for all of your opinions. When it comes to the friendship I think you're right, I'm just going to let her figure it out.
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 Blond Bombshell..
Posts: 6628
Location: Hill Country of TEXAS!! | Weddings will tell you who your true friends are and where your enemies lay in any circle you have. Friends or family and incoming members. I'd let it go and say dont worry about it. Forget about her until after the wedding. It seriously isnt a huge deal bc its your day to enjoy with your husband and those guest and family who are excited about your wedding. There's no need to fret about other people and their issues no matter what they are because YOU CANT CHANGE IT. Dont let ANYTHING effect your wedding day! Its yours and your husbands day. I just got married May 13th so I dealt with this myself and other insane things on my wedding day but I let it go bc I was there to have a great day and marry that amazing man I now call my husband :) We had the best time! | |
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Location: Not Where I Want to Be | go sleep with her husband and take pictures of it.
Post them on her FB page and send them to her. | |
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 A Barrel Of Monkeys
Posts: 12972
Location: Texas | 1DSoon - 2017-10-27 10:21 AM go sleep with her husband and take pictures of it.
Post them on her FB page and send them to her.
I'd like x-ray vision to see into your brain and how you think of this sick stuff. I think you hang around here to comment just for shock value.  | |
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Member
Posts: 36
| Ugh, weddings always seem to be full of trauma and drama, and at least one person that can't stand not being the center of attention.
My husband and I will be married 22 years on November 11, and this sounds a lot like my mother-in-law instead of my maid of honor.
Ignore her until after the wedding and honeymoon, and enjoy YOUR day. They were stressing because my brother-in-law was late getting to the church, he was the best man. I asked if my soon to be hubby was there, he was. Well, the bride was there ready to go, the groom was there ready to go, and the priest was there. Nothing else mattered to me at the time. The ones who love you and want to share your special day will be there and be supporting you, and the rest of them don't matter. | |
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Location: Not Where I Want to Be | TxRanchWoman - 2017-10-27 1:06 PM Ugh, weddings always seem to be full of trauma and drama, and at least one person that can't stand not being the center of attention. My husband and I will be married 22 years on November 11, and this sounds a lot like my mother-in-law instead of my maid of honor. Ignore her until after the wedding and honeymoon, and enjoy YOUR day. They were stressing because my brother-in-law was late getting to the church, he was the best man. I asked if my soon to be hubby was there, he was. Well, the bride was there ready to go, the groom was there ready to go, and the priest was there. Nothing else mattered to me at the time. The ones who love you and want to share your special day will be there and be supporting you, and the rest of them don't matter.
in retrospect, this may be a better answer than mine.
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 Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| rodeolife - 2017-10-26 7:26 PM DashNDustem - 2017-10-26 4:09 PM So my wedding is in a week and half and I am super excited. But earlier this week, I got a phone call from my friend who I have known for pretty close to 20 years and she was supposed to be one of my bridesmaids. I have been her Maid of Honor twice. I originally asked her if she wanted to be my MOH, but she said not let my other friend be the MOH because she doesn't really have the time to commit to it. So she became a bridesmaid. Through the whole process of planning this wedding, this friend has been giving me nothing but struggle. She gave excuse after excuse as to why she couldn't do something, or it was too hard so she just "didn't do it." Such as going to get her dress, the store was a 20 minute drive from her house yet it was "so far away." Or she was making the bouquets, she called be saying it was "too hard" so we should do something different. I've had to have to keep shoving her in the direction to do little things, and Yes, I gave an out multiple times asking her is she 'really' wanted to do this. She would always say yes. So fast forward to earlier this week, She made the bouquets for the wedding and I saw a picture of her step daughter, with one of my bouquets, on social media, because her step daughter "wanted a picture with it." To me, I felt real disrespected because that stuff is not a toy.. it for my wedding! Plus I hired a professional photographer and it was not cheap, I feel like to take pics of stuff before and sharing it to the public, really takes away from the wedding. Anyway, so I called her and politely asked her to take it down. She went off on me. She yelled at me, cursed at me, called all of the stuff she was making "sh!t", told me she hated my maid of honor (who I have also known for about the same amount of time, we both went to school with) and she didn't want to be in the same room with her and she can't do it. She also played herself as a victim and that everyone "always walks on her" which has never been the case between me and her. I'm always the one to pick her up and keep her standing. I was shocked and speechless. I asked her where was all this coming from. Finally I got it out of her that she is just stressed out with life and school and her kids and she feels like going on a vacation is not what she has time for. Once again, I have asked her multiple times if she really wanted to do this.. and she told me yes. So we ended this with an she's not going. She does not live in the same state as me and I literally had to get after her to ship my flowers to the wedding destination, but we already purchased new flowers for a florist in the area because I honestly didn't think she was going to send it. Also, with her now not going.. she had 5 people in her party, that's a small chunk of change out of our pocket for food that isn't going to get eaten because of this. I am feeling very grateful because another friend of mind stepped up in her spot, and we already got her dress and shoes and we are ready to move forward. So I am feeling very blessed. I really don't need that type of immaturity and drama on me and my fiance's big day. However, now I have people telling me I should not be friends with my friend over this and that they would totally understand if I didn't talk to her anymore. I see people breaking off friendships over weddings, and I have to ask is it worth kicking her to the curb for her behavior? I have known her for so long, it's really hard for me to see the other side of it. Not to mention I love her kids. I am their adopted Aunt and they love to see me when I visit. We are not going to use the bouquets and flowers she made for the wedding since we already got new ones, I am actually surprised she shipped stuff out.. For a few days she was complaining about how much it would be to rush it, not taking into account that how much we spent on them. Sorry for the novel, I just thought I would get some opinions from other people that really don't know everyone that is going to be in this wedding. sorry, but I think your reaction here was over the top.
in response to the rest, I would just tell her it's unfortunate that this has overshadowed your 20 years of friendship and leave the ball in her court if she wants to repair it. she either gets back to you and you work through it or she doesn't and you move on.
I agree. It's a bouquet not a Porsche! While they aren't a toy, who cares if she got a pic. If people freak about a little girl liking flowers, and "gasp" they were in your wedding too, well, frankly, they need a job besides memorizing FB pics. Maybe mom shouldn't have freaked out when asked to take them down, but guess what...I guarantee the ONLY one who cared about a simple picture was you.
As far as the friendship, is there a chance you've been nagging her death on this whole thing and she's like what did I get myself into?? Was she imagining the harrassment she'd have gotten for the MOH position? She obviously hasn't wanted to let you down by saying she'd be in the wedding, but finally, she thought enough is enough.
I felt terribly when my MOH asked me to be in her wedding, but my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer right before she asked me. Without knowing the care and essentially the life longevity of my only grandparent left, I declined. She was upset, but she got over it. Let your friend make the decision on if she wants to continue to be your friend. And if she sees your wedding pics with the new flowers, going behind her back to purchase them, I'm guessing she probably isn't going to want to be your friend anymore. | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | The fact that you were willing to put out the effort to be her MOH (Twice!)...and she was too busy to be yours once...that pretty much tells me what I would need to know. The friendship has always been on her terms. So...naturally she wasn't as committed to what you wanted. She seems very self centered.
Let it go...enjoy your day. She likely won't give it much thought and you will drift apart unless and until she needs you for something. Maybe to be MOH a third time? | |
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 The Comeback Kid
Posts: 1564
Location: lost in missouri | I can understand the issue with her taking a pic of the flowers with her daughter. For one they were your flowers for your special day. I could see taking the pic but waiting to post it until after the wedding. I wouldnt want my flowers out there before my big day and before i got to see them in person or use them. She should have respected your special day and kept them underwraps. As for the friendship, well lets face it once we marry a lot of our old friendships go to the wayside anyway because other things happen in our lives, so dont be surprised if this is one that just quietly goes away. It kinda sounds like it needs to anyways. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 899
Location: Idaho | redracinmo - 2017-10-28 12:51 PM
I can understand the issue with her taking a pic of the flowers with her daughter. For one they were your flowers for your special day. I could see taking the pic but waiting to post it until after the wedding. I wouldnt want my flowers out there before my big day and before i got to see them in person or use them. She should have respected your special day and kept them underwraps. As for the friendship, well lets face it once we marry a lot of our old friendships go to the wayside anyway because other things happen in our lives, so dont be surprised if this is one that just quietly goes away. It kinda sounds like it needs to anyways.Â
Thank you, this is the way I was feeling. I haven't shared a single thing except maybe two signs that I made for the guests (Seating sign, Unplugged wedding sign) and nothing else. And to be honest, I was NOT the only one who was upset.. because my maid of honor called me and told me about it, knowing that it was disrespectful. I'm not going to argue about what I think is wrong or right, because the fact that nobody has shared anything, she should have gotten the hint.
I'm really not going to argue but trust me when I say, I wasn't nagging her. She had very few things to do, and has 6 months to complete it. After she told me she wanted to go.. like 5 times after asking her if she was sure over the course of about 5 months, I started to push her within the last month and a half when she had not booked a room, or a plane ticket, or got her dress, or started on the bouquets because time was running out and was still giving me excuses. I'm not the controlling, crazy, bridezilla type. I'm not that girl that has had her wedding planned since she was 5.. I didn't even know what I wanted into things started to come together, and then I was like.. oh that sounds great, lets do that! All of my bridesmaids got to pick their own dresses, as long as it was the right color. I didn't care about the style. They got to pick their own hair styles, forwarded it to the hairstylist for them. Easy. She was the only one to give me problems, everyone else was right on track.
But anyway, thank you all for your thoughts. I think I'm done discussing this, I've let it go and I will enjoy my day. We will see where this friendship goes.
ETA: Also, I didn't go "behind her back" to purchase new flowers. She is in another state and 1000 miles away.. With her attitude, I didn't want to risk not getting them.
Edited by DashNDustem 2017-10-28 11:25 AM
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Expert
Posts: 1446
Location: California | I don't think the issue is taking a picture with them, I think the issue is posting them to social media. I don't know why everyone feels it's okay to post pictures of things that do not belong to them.
I think it's very rude when people take pictures of other people, their cars, belongings, kids etc and post them online. Not everyone wants pictures on social media of their private life. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1446
Location: California | Nateracer - 2017-10-27 10:36 AM
rodeolife - 2017-10-26 7:26 PM DashNDustem - 2017-10-26 4:09 PM So my wedding is in a week and half and I am super excited. But earlier this week, I got a phone call from my friend who I have known for pretty close to 20 years and she was supposed to be one of my bridesmaids. I have been her Maid of Honor twice. I originally asked her if she wanted to be my MOH, but she said not let my other friend be the MOH because she doesn't really have the time to commit to it. So she became a bridesmaid. Through the whole process of planning this wedding, this friend has been giving me nothing but struggle. She gave excuse after excuse as to why she couldn't do something, or it was too hard so she just "didn't do it." Such as going to get her dress, the store was a 20 minute drive from her house yet it was "so far away." Or she was making the bouquets, she called be saying it was "too hard" so we should do something different. I've had to have to keep shoving her in the direction to do little things, and Yes, I gave an out multiple times asking her is she 'really' wanted to do this. She would always say yes. So fast forward to earlier this week, She made the bouquets for the wedding and I saw a picture of her step daughter, with one of my bouquets, on social media, because her step daughter "wanted a picture with it." To me, I felt real disrespected because that stuff is not a toy.. it for my wedding! Plus I hired a professional photographer and it was not cheap, I feel like to take pics of stuff before and sharing it to the public, really takes away from the wedding. Anyway, so I called her and politely asked her to take it down. She went off on me. She yelled at me, cursed at me, called all of the stuff she was making "sh!t", told me she hated my maid of honor (who I have also known for about the same amount of time, we both went to school with) and she didn't want to be in the same room with her and she can't do it. She also played herself as a victim and that everyone "always walks on her" which has never been the case between me and her. I'm always the one to pick her up and keep her standing. I was shocked and speechless. I asked her where was all this coming from. Finally I got it out of her that she is just stressed out with life and school and her kids and she feels like going on a vacation is not what she has time for. Once again, I have asked her multiple times if she really wanted to do this.. and she told me yes. So we ended this with an she's not going. She does not live in the same state as me and I literally had to get after her to ship my flowers to the wedding destination, but we already purchased new flowers for a florist in the area because I honestly didn't think she was going to send it. Also, with her now not going.. she had 5 people in her party, that's a small chunk of change out of our pocket for food that isn't going to get eaten because of this. I am feeling very grateful because another friend of mind stepped up in her spot, and we already got her dress and shoes and we are ready to move forward. So I am feeling very blessed. I really don't need that type of immaturity and drama on me and my fiance's big day. However, now I have people telling me I should not be friends with my friend over this and that they would totally understand if I didn't talk to her anymore. I see people breaking off friendships over weddings, and I have to ask is it worth kicking her to the curb for her behavior? I have known her for so long, it's really hard for me to see the other side of it. Not to mention I love her kids. I am their adopted Aunt and they love to see me when I visit. We are not going to use the bouquets and flowers she made for the wedding since we already got new ones, I am actually surprised she shipped stuff out.. For a few days she was complaining about how much it would be to rush it, not taking into account that how much we spent on them. Sorry for the novel, I just thought I would get some opinions from other people that really don't know everyone that is going to be in this wedding. Â sorry, but I think your reaction here was over the top.Â
in response to the rest, I would just tell her it's unfortunate that this has overshadowed your 20 years of friendship and leave the ball in her court if she wants to repair it. she either gets back to you and you work through it or she doesn't and you move on.Â
As far as the friendship, is there a chance you've been nagging her death on this whole thing and she's like what did I get myself into?? Was she imagining the harrassment she'd have gotten for the MOH position? She obviously hasn't wanted to let you down by saying she'd be in the wedding, but finally, she thought enough is enough. Â
I felt terribly when my MOH asked me to be in her wedding, but my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer right before she asked me. Without knowing the care and essentially the life longevity of my only grandparent left, I declined. She was upset, but she got over it. Let your friend make the decision on if she wants to continue to be your friend. And if she sees your wedding pics with the new flowers, going behind her back to purchase them, I'm guessing she probably isn't going to want to be your friend anymore.Â
Interesting point of view. But I don't think purchasing different flowers for your personal wedding is going behind anyone's back. You can do whatever you want when it's your wedding.
But I do agree, 2 sides to every story. | |
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