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 Expert
Posts: 1432
  
Location: Never in one place long | For several years we've been considering adopting a child.. I've never wanted to have my own child but know so many are in need.. I've heard amazing stories of adoption and horror stories which always makes us nervous.. I know birth children have issues too.. I guess we're just still afraid as much as I'd love to adopt. Any advice? Experience? |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 885
| I was adopted & very thankful & proud of it. I had THE BEST parents ever. My birthmother was young when she had me & in 1956, that was a big no no for a single young woman to be pregnant. She loved me enough to let me go & I will always be grateful to her for letting me go. I had the best up bringing & home & most of all LOVE. God Bless You for wanting to adopt. |
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 Ima Non Controversial Girl
Posts: 4168
Location: where the wind blows | Two of my sisters adopted children. My niece was 6 months old and mete' (sp?) - ironically she's only 3 years younger than me. My other sister adopted a boy that was 6 weeks. Both are 100% our family and we love them. Truthfully we honestly don't really even think about them being adopted. Both are adults one is 48 the other is 40. I think both would say they are thankful they were adopted and have a good life. I say go for it. |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 357
| i have also been thinking of adopting. I have two younger children of my own and would like to adopt an older child. So I’m curious to hear others responses as well.
I have been told by two separate families that adopted to not do it. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 448
Location: lone star state | you get to decide what age, behavior, abuse type, etc when you take a child into your home. you go thru training so that helps with knowledge of issues and problems due to abuse and neglect. i worked as an investigator and currently casa volunteer so have experience.
OP doesnt have children, but another poster does have other children in home, my advice is not take in children older than your children. sexual abuse is rampant in foster kids, and you risk exposing your children.
adoption can be very rewarding and there is a great need for adoption/foster families. i encourage you to contact your local cps or adoption agency so you can get info/counseling on the aspects of adopting. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1395
Location: Missouri | We are actually considering fostering to adopt (if a placement we have ever becomes available for adoption). We are waiting another year or two til our two children are just a little bit older, and will only accept children younger than them. There seems to be a huge influx of people in our local churches here getting licensed and its great. There's such a huge need, if you're open to that route. |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| My niece adopted 3 little girls thru the foster system. They brought the twins home from the hospital when they were born. They were #5 and 6 to be taken away from their birth mom. The parents rights were immediately terminated. They fostered a 2 year old little girl, CPS was a nightmare in her case. She was removed because of neglect and pretty severe abuse by her father. Her mother was on drugs ( she would stay clean thru her pregnancies) The birth mother took almost 2 years to complete the required classes and counseling, never got past unsupervised visits yet CPS was going to return her full time because the case was taking so long to close. With the threat of having to do a DNA test to confirm her 16 year old boyfriend, she was 24, was the father of baby #3, she agreed to shared custody. She had the opportunity to continue her visits and progress to 50/50 shared custody but she never made the effort to get past once a week visits. It has been 4 years, she is inconsistent with her visits, disappears for months. We are hoping to be able to terminate her rights at some point. Even with all that to deal with, we could not imagine life without this little girl or the twins. |
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Expert
Posts: 1314
Location: North Central Iowa Land of white frozen grass | Most of the time if you have your own birth children and you adopt one it does not work. Most of the time the adopted child is treeted more like a survant. Not always. And ask yourself who you are really doing this for. The child or yourself. |
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | Find a great agency and ask them questions to ease your mind.
When adopting a baby that the mother wants to give up, the mother still has an option to take the baby back within a certain amount of time.
When adopting a baby or toddler through foster you have years of court battles of the parents trying to win their children back from the state. Most of the time the parents will do everything correctly, will work to have their lives do a 180 and will win their children back in the corerct way for the right reasons. Sometimes they won't deserve them back but will get them any way and sometimes on rare occasion they will severe ties instead of trying to win them back. This is the hardest form of adoption because you get so attached to the entire family, you almost root for the parents to be good enough to get their children back because you spend days on end comforting the child about their parents. You get attached and you hate to see the children go but it's a bittersweet joy when the children get to go back home... They light up.
The last way of adoption is adopting a child with severed ties to the parents via court. When parents lose access to the child the child is placed with a different foster family if the fostering family through the court process won't or can't adopt the child. That protects the child from the parents or child knowing where the other one is. These children are usually older and are shut off emotionally. But these children have no one except you and no one can take them back from you legally or otherwise. This form has obstacles all their own. Each way is worth it. It's not easy mentally or emotionally.
Find an agency in your area and talk with them about options. I know MANY foster families who foster to adopt and I know a handful of adoptive families that have adopted in various different ways. It's worth it to change just one child's life. Many adoptive families have wanted to adopt just one and have ended up adopting siters, brothers, twins, etc. One family in town has ended up with 5 siblings. They have 4 children together and 5 adoptive. The 4 children are older and have moved out but the 4 children are all in the process of adopting children with their spouses now too. It's a beautiful thing. I hope to be in a financial place to do this one day for a child. |
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 Reaching for the stars....
Posts: 12704
| BS Hauler - 2018-11-19 9:40 AM Most of the time if you have your own birth children and you adopt one it does not work. Most of the time the adopted child is treeted more like a survant. Not always. And ask yourself who you are really doing this for. The child or yourself.
I don't think I was ever treated as a servant, but I was treated differently, and told I was wrong in every way for feeling like it was different. Truth always comes out and my mothers will and trust, tho not cutting me out, was about 75/25 in my sisters favor.
I can tell you from an adopted persons perspective that no matter how good the situation the adoptive person will have issues. If you never tell them (adopted at birth) they will still feel out of place to some degree, from a little to a whole lot. If you adopt older children they will most certainly have insecurity issues to be worked through, for life. And I don't care how much the adopting family wants the child, if there is natural children/child you will not have the same bond. If the bond is tested, it will not hold the same as for a natural child. Only obligation will hold you to the adopted child in tough situations, and obligation is a sucky way to love a child. |
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  That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
| BS Hauler - 2018-11-19 8:40 AM Most of the time if you have your own birth children and you adopt one it does not work. Most of the time the adopted child is treeted more like a survant. Not always. And ask yourself who you are really doing this for. The child or yourself.
I'm #5 of 6 siblings. The youngest is adopted and he was treated just like the rest of us. My sister has 2 biological kids and 2 adopted kids. They are all treated the same. My aunt has 3 biological kids and 2 adopted kids, all treated the same. My other aunt has 2 biological kids and 1 adopted, all treated the same. My cousin has 2 bilogical kids and 2 adopted kids, all treated the same. I would disagree and say the it almost always works unless the adopting parents are pieces of crap. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 448
Location: lone star state | if you are seriously interested, dont be afraid based on comments here. go seek info from cps or an adoption agency. cps foster to adopt is a great way to go. you will be trained on problems, have resources to help with those problems and have support systems to help you thru the process.
if you get a child thru cps and the family works services and fail that is a year long process itself of you caring for child before anything permenant is finalized. then after parents relinquish or are terminated the adoption process begins. you are looking at up to 2 years of caring for a child before permenancy begins. if parents relinquish things move faster but still a year of legal procedures. you have time to adjust and learn before permenancy begins. |
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Expert
Posts: 1395
Location: Missouri | Whiteboy - 2018-11-19 9:44 AM
BS Hauler - 2018-11-19 8:40 AM Most of the time if you have your own birth children and you adopt one it does not work. Most of the time the adopted child is treeted more like a survant. Not always. And ask yourself who you are really doing this for. The child or yourself.
I'm #5 of 6 siblings. The youngest is adopted and he was treated just like the rest of us. My sister has 2 biological kids and 2 adopted kids. They are all treated the same. My aunt has 3 biological kids and 2 adopted kids, all treated the same. My other aunt has 2 biological kids and 1 adopted, all treated the same. My cousin has 2 bilogical kids and 2 adopted kids, all treated the same. I would disagree and say the it almost always works unless the adopting parents are pieces of crap.
Agree with your last paragraph, White Boy! I'm not sure what kind of a**hat would treat an adopted child like a servant.
We haven't adopted but plan to. It's a total heart calling. While I KNOW there will be difficulties, I cannot imagine treating an adopted child like Cinderella. If anything, I may go the opposite direction and (not meaning to) be a little too hard on/have too lofty expectations for my biological children during adjustment phase, knowing that adopted child has already been through so much. I'm not saying I WANT to treat my bio kids different, just that I'm aware that I could place lofty expectations on them and I'll have to be aware of that so I DON'T. It'll be a major adjustment for them too. |
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 Not Afraid to Work
Posts: 4717
| My sister is very active in foster care and she had three children before becoming a foster home. Their very first placement was a newborn baby boy and they have since adopted him. He is 4 now and we are the only family he knows. He is treated just like any of the rest and was even before he was adopted. He was with us over a year before it was official. He still had a birthday party, Christmas gifts, etc. I would say the comment about them being treated different is a parenting issues. My sister has another boy who is 11 months old and the county is filing for permenancy (rights are terminated but doing one final sweep through family) then he will be adopted. Both of these boys were positive for meth upon birth. My nephew has had no lasting effects.
My parents also adopted my cousin (my aunt was a piece of work). We started fostering him at 6 and adopted him at 9. He is a troubled boy and I would say my parents did more for him than any of us because of his issues. Extreme abuse and neglect which impacted him the rest of his life.
I have met hundred of kids, my sister runs a non-profit for foster kiddos and placement bags to those entering foster care so.... I have met a lot of kiddos and some of them do have some significant issues but I think that's the minority at least from what I've seen. Safe Haven Foster Shoppe (fb or google) and you could ask her questions if you were curious about this option.
I don't have experience with private adoption except knowing a few friends and they are happy, good people. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 357
| BS Hauler - 2018-11-19 8:40 AM
Most of the time if you have your own birth children and you adopt one it does not work. Most of the time the adopted child is treeted more like a survant. Not always. And ask yourself who you are really doing this for. The child or yourself.
Wow.. this comment hurts my heart.. |
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 Veteran
Posts: 124
| I adopted all three of my kids. The older two were through foster care and were 2 and 3 when they moved in. My youngest we adopted privately. We also fostered a few other children before our adopted children moved in. I'm also a CASA (court appointed special advocate), so I'm very familiar with the "system." You're always going to hear horror stories and good stories in these kinda of forums.
There is a lot of misinformation about adoption out there. Birth mothers can't just take their babies back within a certain amount of time. Laws differ per state, but in the state of Kansas you can take legal custody of an infant 24 hours after birth it it's vaginal and 48 out hours if it's a C-section. The adoption happens 30 days after that. Birth mothers can show up and say they want their baby back, but it's rare that they actually retain custody.
I could go on and on about our experiences, so feel free to message me if you want to. |
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 Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | We don't have personal experience as far as being the foster/adoptive parents. Hopefully someday we will
But here is my two cents worth.
There are ALOT of kids who need a safe place to sleep. There are a lot of adults who aged out of the system who never had that safe place to sleep and no place to return home to on the holidays.
You can foster/adopt a hundred kids. 99 of them may turn out to be "bad". And only one may result in a success. Ask yourself.....is 99 possible heartbreaks worth the one success? Because I don't think you can put a value on saving one life. I think it's worth it.
You can't fix all the problems in the world. But you can choose to TRY to fix one. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 898
Location: Idaho | I am not a foster parent, but I am a social worker. I really think it depends on where you live. There are a lot of children that are taken away from their parents due to abuse/neglect situation and put in foster care. I have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly and it sad that I now refuse to work with children (I only work with the adult/geriatric population now) because I have seen a LOT of negativity revolving around the foster care system and it is not the children, it is the parents/guardians..and my heart just cannot handle that.
I'm not saying don't do it, but I would suggest to be mindful. Make sure you know the background of your child that you are looking into, if their parents were on drugs, if they were abused (physically, sexually etc.), what kind of environment they have come from..because even though you may not see it when they are younger, certain behaviors arise as development continues. There are a ton of documentaries out there that give you a really good visual insight on what to look for.
I also say educate yourself, because when I worked in another state I witnessed potential parents wanting to adopt, and the adoption agency did not tell the potential parents any NECESSARY information on the child they were looking at..they just painted a pretty picture for them. They failed to tell the potential parents this kid literally put one of our techs into a seizure coupled with a concussion two weeks earlier by head-butting the tech. This was a young, adolescent who did this to an adult, he wasn't able to come back to work for several days. But the agency didn't say a word, and the child was brought back 3 week's later after he broke one of those potential parents arm for telling the kid no.
This is only one of the situations I witnessed. My husband is interested in adopting, and I won't do it because of the things I have seen.
Please do your homework and find an agency worthy of your time. Educate yourself.
Edited by DashNDustem 2018-11-27 1:42 PM
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Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | When we were going to foster/adopt in Missouri, we had a home visit. The lady wasn't very friendly but she was very informative. She suggested HIGHLY to just start by taking the classes. Classes are required if you are going to foster/adopt through the state. Taking the classes does not obilgate you to foster/adopt and I believe the classes should be free. She said they always have families who start and sometimes finish the classes then decide that foster/adopting is not right for them. We ended up not even making any classes because literally the same week as our home visit, both my in laws had serious health issues and we ended up moving them both in with us. |
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Expert
Posts: 1395
Location: Missouri | missroselee - 2018-11-28 11:31 AM
When we were going to foster/adopt in Missouri, we had a home visit. The lady wasn't very friendly but she was very informative. She suggested HIGHLY to just start by taking the classes. Classes are required if you are going to foster/adopt through the state. Taking the classes does not obilgate you to foster/adopt and I believe the classes should be free. She said they always have families who start and sometimes finish the classes then decide that foster/adopting is not right for them. We ended up not even making any classes because literally the same week as our home visit, both my in laws had serious health issues and we ended up moving them both in with us.
I'm in MO too. This is good to know.....my husband and I are praying and considering this very seriously. But I doubt we will get around to taking the classes til next fall. We want our oldest in school before accepting a placement. |
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