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Marriage and infidelity

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Last activity 2019-07-07 10:33 PM
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Topsey27
Reg. Jul 2019
Posted 2019-07-02 10:56 AM
Subject: Marriage and infidelity


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Posting under a different name because this is a sensitive topic and one I never really thought I would be dealing with. I just found out last week that my husband of 25 years has been sleeping with a much younger woman. I have video evidence so there is no denying it happened at least once. 

 

I have not confronted him yet about the video but he knows I am unhappy about him spending a few hours at her house and having a few drinks with her on a different occasion. He had a legit reason to be there, but not to stay and hang out.  He denies anything happened that night, refuses to apologise, and has no idea I know about the other time when the video was taken as I was out of town working.

I just had a breast biopsy yesterday, still awaiting results, so I have had a lot thrown at me recently and I don't want to make an emotional decision that I will regret later. I have two kids to think about also. Making things even worse, several people in the industry I work in have also seen the video and these are men I see every day at work. 

I know I have a lot of soul searching to do, but any advice or just good thoughts would be appreciated.

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Racer4eva
Reg. Feb 2009
Posted 2019-07-02 10:59 AM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity


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Location: NC

I have no advice, but hugs to you!!!!! One day at a time

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BamaCanChaser
Reg. Nov 2012
Posted 2019-07-02 11:01 AM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



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No advice, but I'm so sorry you're going through this. Praying for peace and discerment in whatever decisions you ultimately make.

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3canstorun
Reg. May 2007
Posted 2019-07-02 11:23 AM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



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Location: In The Land of Cotton

Take care of your health problems first. 

 

Then deal with the cheater. 

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lonely va barrelxr
Reg. Apr 2005
Posted 2019-07-02 11:29 AM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



Reaching for the stars....


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I've always been looked at like I was crazy for my opinion on this subject, but:

1.  Humans are not born to be monogamous. This is proven scientifically. The vow of monogamy we take when we marry goes against everything hard wired in our brains.

2.  Jealousy is second only to hate in emotional strength. Even love lags behind in this. 

3.  Insecurity is just behind the above emotions.

So, my opinion is that there are many many worse things that can happen. If your hubb is a constant cheater that is one thing. But a one time thing with no permanent repercussions (making a child, disease) can be worked through. I'm not saying it would be easy. That jealousy thing is going to be there, and that is going to make you insecure. It would take the erring partner to do some penance to get past. 

It is worse if a partner is abusive, either physically or emotionally. It is worse if a partner stops being supportive. It is worse if a partner checks out emotionally from a relationship. There are many worse things that a partner can do.

You will have to confront him. It won't be pretty. It won't be easy. But you have stated that your family is important so you do have some reason to try to get your hubb to work through this. However, if he tries to push it off on you in any way then you might have to take a look at him as a different person than you thought you married. You married someone who you thought/think will put forth great effort to stay together as a team and family leader. 

I wish you peace and patience. I wish you deep breaths when you'd rather rant and tear. I wish you all the positive thoughts that I can. 

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emricmacy
Reg. Sep 2016
Posted 2019-07-02 11:46 AM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity


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I would absolutely leave. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Once trust is broken it's very hard to get back. I'm Soo sorry your going through this!!! I know you don't want to make a rash decision, just take care of yourself and think about what's acceptable to you and what you are willing to live with..

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scwebster
Reg. Mar 2013
Posted 2019-07-02 12:10 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



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So sorry that you are going through this! Hugs to you!

 

Take care of your health first. However you  have every right to bust him wide open with this! Give him the oppourtunity to come clean and if he doesn't, show him your evidence. He needs to be sorry for it. You guys could very well work through this and I hope if that is what you both want, you do. But he messed up and needs to know it! Let him suffer for a minuet. He will think twice about it next time.

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Southtxponygirl
Reg. Nov 2006
Posted 2019-07-02 12:52 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



A Somebody to Everybody


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Not trying to be insensitive, but how in the heck did you get a video of him cheating while in bed with this women?!! 

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JcNhEmI
Reg. Apr 2009
Posted 2019-07-02 1:11 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



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Southtxponygirl - 2019-07-02 11:52 AM


Not trying to be insensitive, but how in the heck did you get a video of him cheating while in bed with this women?!! 


I wondered the same thing, and how have men you work with seen it?

 

 

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Bear
Reg. Dec 2007
Posted 2019-07-02 1:29 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



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So you are 100% certain he is having an affair and you have video proof.  I guess to me what you decide to do about this is your call.  Here are some options.

1.) Ignore it.  Not worth disrupting your family over his peccadilloes. After all, you know “boys will be boys”.

2.) Confront him, but don’t reveal the fact that you have him on video wigglin his bean. This will give you an idea as to what you can expect in the future should suspicions re-emerge, which they probably will.  If he steadfastly and adamantly denies it, you need to accept the fact that he will likely lie to you forever.  If you can accept that, then you are better than I am.  If he readily admits it, that’s encouraging, but be prepared to accept the fact that he might want to reject you so he can take up with that filly. I wouldn’t encourage you to stick your head in the sand.  The sooner you accept his decision, the better, so you can go about the business of mourning the loss of your marriage and get on with healing and the potentially wonderful life ahead of you.....with your pride and self-respect intact.

3.) Confront him head on with full force, including the video evidence, so he cannot deny the undeniable.  At that point you can either tell him to pound sand and that you are finished, or you can give him one last chance, but he’s going to be on a short leash.  In the latter, I think a good marriage counselor is important.  In fact, in that regard, regardless of what you decide, I think you owe yourself some form of counseling, in my opinion.

4.) Throw his sh!t out in the driveway, change the locks, tell him you are divorcing his venereal ass, and call a good attorney.  I’m not kidding about the “venereal” part.  Get checked.  It’s a good idea, regardless.

5.) Ignore it....exercise the nuclear option - revenge sex.

In all seriousness, I feel bad for you.  Lean in your closest friends and family.  You will get through this.....he may not, depending on whether or not he is a sick, selfish, narcissistic bastard. 



Edited by Bear 2019-07-02 1:32 PM
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Gunner11
Reg. Mar 2011
Posted 2019-07-02 2:36 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



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Location: N Texas

Bear - 2019-07-02 1:29 PM

So you are 100% certain he is having an affair and you have video proof.  I guess to me what you decide to do about this is your call.  Here are some options.

1.) Ignore it.  Not worth disrupting your family over his peccadilloes. After all, you know “boys will be boys”.

2.) Confront him, but don’t reveal the fact that you have him on video wigglin his bean. This will give you an idea as to what you can expect in the future should suspicions re-emerge, which they probably will.  If he steadfastly and adamantly denies it, you need to accept the fact that he will likely lie to you forever.  If you can accept that, then you are better than I am.  If he readily admits it, that’s encouraging, but be prepared to accept the fact that he might want to reject you so he can take up with that filly. I wouldn’t encourage you to stick your head in the sand.  The sooner you accept his decision, the better, so you can go about the business of mourning the loss of your marriage and get on with healing and the potentially wonderful life ahead of you.....with your pride and self-respect intact.

3.) Confront him head on with full force, including the video evidence, so he cannot deny the undeniable.  At that point you can either tell him to pound sand and that you are finished, or you can give him one last chance, but he’s going to be on a short leash.  In the latter, I think a good marriage counselor is important.  In fact, in that regard, regardless of what you decide, I think you owe yourself some form of counseling, in my opinion.

4.) Throw his sh!t out in the driveway, change the locks, tell him you are divorcing his venereal ass, and call a good attorney.  I’m not kidding about the “venereal” part.  Get checked.  It’s a good idea, regardless.

5.) Ignore it....exercise the nuclear option - revenge sex.

In all seriousness, I feel bad for you.  Lean in your closest friends and family.  You will get through this.....he may not, depending on whether or not he is a sick, selfish, narcissistic bastard. 

#4 all the way! However, that would be after I tried to get him to fess up. Let him dig his own grave before playing my ace (the video).

Sorry, but I am a firm believer that if someone truly loves and RESPECTS you, they would NEVER even consider cheating. Any BS about being weak or making a mistake, or whatever other cowardly excuse they feed you is just them trying to justify their behavior.

Cheating isn't a mistake, it's a choice.



Edited by Gunner11 2019-07-02 2:57 PM
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luluwhit
Reg. Dec 2005
Posted 2019-07-02 2:37 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



Popped


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i have no advice but i do have a question.... did he know that you have suspisious breast tissue then cheat or are they two seperate events?  Does he know you just had a biopsy?

I know my husband enough to know that he loves me but he wont handle certian bad news senerios very well. 

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Southtxponygirl
Reg. Nov 2006
Posted 2019-07-02 2:48 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



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Posts: 41354
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Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas

There is NO excuse/NO good reason for someone to cheat on a spouse PERIOD.

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Southtxponygirl
Reg. Nov 2006
Posted 2019-07-02 2:56 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



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Posts: 41354
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Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas

Gunner11 - 2019-07-02 2:36 PM


Bear - 2019-07-02 1:29 PM


So you are 100% certain he is having an affair and you have video proof.  I guess to me what you decide to do about this is your call.  Here are some options.


1.) Ignore it.  Not worth disrupting your family over his peccadilloes. After all, you know “boys will be boys”.


2.) Confront him, but don’t reveal the fact that you have him on video wigglin his bean. This will give you an idea as to what you can expect in the future should suspicions re-emerge, which they probably will.  If he steadfastly and adamantly denies it, you need to accept the fact that he will likely lie to you forever.  If you can accept that, then you are better than I am.  If he readily admits it, that’s encouraging, but be prepared to accept the fact that he might want to reject you so he can take up with that filly. I wouldn’t encourage you to stick your head in the sand.  The sooner you accept his decision, the better, so you can go about the business of mourning the loss of your marriage and get on with healing and the potentially wonderful life ahead of you.....with your pride and self-respect intact.


3.) Confront him head on with full force, including the video evidence, so he cannot deny the undeniable.  At that point you can either tell him to pound sand and that you are finished, or you can give him one last chance, but he’s going to be on a short leash.  In the latter, I think a good marriage counselor is important.  In fact, in that regard, regardless of what you decide, I think you owe yourself some form of counseling, in my opinion.


4.) Throw his sh!t out in the driveway, change the locks, tell him you are divorcing his venereal ass, and call a good attorney.  I’m not kidding about the “venereal” part.  Get checked.  It’s a good idea, regardless.


5.) Ignore it....exercise the nuclear option - revenge sex.


In all seriousness, I feel bad for you.  Lean in your closest friends and family.  You will get through this.....he may not, depending on whether or not he is a sick, selfish, narcissistic bastard. 



#4 all the way! However, that would be after I tried to get him to fess up. Let him dig his own grave before playing my ace (the video).


Sorry, but I am a firm believer that if someone truly loves and RESPECTS you, they would NEVER even consider cheating. Any BS about being weak or making a mistake, or whatever other cowardly excuse they feed you is just them trying to justify their behavior.


 


Agreed, no excuse ever . If you want to screw around with other women or men then dont get married.. #4 is a good ideal.

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stayceem
Reg. May 2007
Posted 2019-07-02 3:02 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



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Posts: 4717
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I agree with the #2 posted above. 

A good friend of mine's husband did the same. She stayed because of the kids and finances initally and they began counseling. He is a much different man now and as healthy as they can be... but she still holds onto it i think. Even if its small. 

Your health is important... but I also dont think you wanting answers or making a decision is an emotional response. I dont think I could ever let it go.... but I have seen people who go on because it is the best decsion for them and their circumstances. 

 

I pray for you... 

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want2chase3
Reg. May 2009
Posted 2019-07-02 3:02 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



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Southtxponygirl - 2019-07-02 2:48 PM


There is NO excuse/NO good reason for someone to cheat on a spouse PERIOD.


Agree. I was cheated on by my EX peice of crap. Turns out it was a total blessing in the end. I'm happily remarried to a man that would never betray me like that. Ugh what an a$$hole and whoa you have it on video! I'd post it on social media and be done with him!  I'm sorry you are going thru this and your health issue, sending prayers your biopsy comes back as nothing major.  

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RunNitroRun
Reg. Oct 2011
Posted 2019-07-02 4:03 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



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As angry as you are, and you have EVERY right to be, you have to keep in mind that what you do now will reflect on you later.  If you didn't have kids I'd pack up his clothes and deliver them to the woman he cheated with. Tell her he is her problem now then change the locks and put a divorce atttorney card on his windshield along with a copy of the video. BUT since you have kids my suggestion to you will be to:

- Save that video someplace safe and sit on it for a beat

- Get yourself to the doctor now for an STD check

- Get yourself into see a councellor who can help you cope with your feelings and help you decide what you want to do with your relationship.  Make a few appointments and see someone soon.  Once you've made a decision you can share the information with friends.  If you tell your friends and you decide to stay with him (and that's your right) the fact they know what he did will strain your relationship with your friends. 

- Once you've come up with a plan, and if you've decided to leave, then tell your friends.  Tell them as little or as much as you like about why you're leaving but you'll need them to lean on and support you.  

- If people are talking about the video tell them you don't watch that type of trash and their momma's wouldn't want them watching it either. Then move on. 

Posting the video on Facebook or some other social media to call him out may make you feel better for a moment but it just adds fuel to the fire and would hurt your kids.  Rise above, stand tall, be graceful, and come up with a sensible plan that is best for you and your kids long term.

It's going to be a rough hard road but you are going to be just fine - maybe even better.  Remind yourself when the dark thoughts and worry slip in that "what if it all works out" and let your mind go there. You can do this!

Prayers and hugs to you!

 

 

 

 

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y_do_i_do_this
Reg. Feb 2004
Posted 2019-07-02 4:18 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity




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Looking from the outside in it sounds easy to throw out his sh!t, No. 4, but in reality there is so much more to it.  It is unexcuseable behavior.  I am a believer in once a cheater always a cheater, but it's never a bad idea to get counseling, work through it.  It will make you feel like you at least tried to make it work even if in the end it doesn't.  I am very sorry.  You are in a tough situation and I send you good thoughts.

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mtcanchazer
Reg. Apr 2012
Posted 2019-07-02 4:21 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity



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My first thought is to say to nail his sorry butt, kick him to the curb. But after temper's flare goes by the way side, then you have a whole different opinion and mindset.  But Bear's # 2 suggestion seems the most logical, if done in a cool, calm and collected manner. Its always best to do things with as few of regrets as possible. That doesn't mean you should stay together, it just means to do the option(s) that make you feel as whole as you can going through this. 

 

Prayers that your biopsy comes out okay.



Edited by mtcanchazer 2019-07-02 4:37 PM
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OhMax
Reg. Feb 2013
Posted 2019-07-02 4:27 PM
Subject: RE: Marriage and infidelity


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want2chase3 - 2019-07-02 3:02 PM


Southtxponygirl - 2019-07-02 2:48 PM


There is NO excuse/NO good reason for someone to cheat on a spouse PERIOD.



Agree. I was cheated on by my EX peice of crap. Turns out it was a total blessing in the end. I'm happily remarried to a man that would never betray me like that. Ugh what an a$$hole and whoa you have it on video! I'd post it on social media and be done with him!  I'm sorry you are going thru this and your health issue, sending prayers your biopsy comes back as nothing major.  


While that may seem like a rational decision...i really don’t think it is.

1 because I believe people live too much of their life on social media as it is.

2 I’m not a lawyer but if you do have divorce as a potential option on your list I would be very conservative with social media posts.  Play your cards close.  Fill social media in later when it’s a done deal.

 

what would I do?  I think I would wait for biopsy results.  Wrap your head around that first. I wouldn’t think you’d be waiting terribly long on those.

Then I agree with confronting him but not laying out the video evidence unless he straight up denies it.  Although I too am curious how video came to be.

 

most of all, hugs hugs hugs.  Gather your tribe and lean into them.

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