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 Expert
Posts: 1857
   
| classicpotatochip - 2014-08-07 3:22 PM
I work in the oilfield. I have had a bit of this go on before I knew what the hell I was looking at. Men with a few screws loose can act an awful lot like dogs. You pet them once and feed them a scrap from your sandwhich, then they won't leave, then they get pissed and bite when you kick them out of the way.
In future, be the lady that is polite, but nothing more. No more smiling and nodding, putting up with long visits. You're a professional with a husband, not some gimme that acts naive enjoying the attention. If you do enjoy the attention, you need to get a grip.
This is your mess, you allowed it to happen. Now you fix it. Yes, the man was in the wrong, absolutely. But you have allowed yourself to be the victim, and it's time for that to go away, whatever your reasons are.
1. You need to confirm this to your boss. Sounds like boss already knows. Boss just probably waiting to see what you'll do to get yourself out of the situation. Bosses always know more than you think. That's their job. I know, I just had a female employee soaking up attention, then wig out over the same expression. Your situation and explanations are almost carbon copy. Stop being naive, this happens all the time. Even if you yourself couldn't see it happening, I guarantee everyone else did, and has their own, probably jaded, opinions about the situation.
2. You need to tell your husband. You need to tell your husband. What on Earth do you have a husband for, girlie, if not protection and partnership against external baddies?? You need to tell your husband. You are his wife. My husband would be in destroy mode by now, and I'd have the documentation to back him in court.
3. If you have not already done so, you need to put your side of the story and any dates, specific occurrences, etc into writing. Print it out and keep it on hand. Print out another copy for your boss.
3.5 You need to make sure somebody walks with you to your car after work. No excuses.
4. The next time dude rolls up in your office, you better be recording the entire conversation, the one that starts with you stating, "I am not interested in conversing with you. I am not in love with you. I do not like you. Leave me alone, walk a big circle around me from now on. Authorities and my husband have been notified of your actions towards me, which I do not like, nor encourage. Please leave and never speak to me again."
5. If this doesn't help, you better go to the police. My husband being himself, the cops would get called all right, but it would be after hours, off property, and it would be the Dude making the call.
You got yourself into this mess, whatever the naïveté or not. Time to deal and face the music.
I'm working on fixing it. Thanks for your input. Heading to a meeting with my two bosses now and I'm going to explain the situation. He hasn't come in my office at all today, so that's a good thing. I do avoid running into him because it just makes me feel uneasy. My husband does know, but he didn't seem to concerned, or just didn't let me know he was. I haven't looked the guy in the eyes at all today, I don't know if I should be staring him down or avoiding him. | |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | FlyingJT - 2014-08-07 4:35 PM classicpotatochip - 2014-08-07 3:22 PM I work in the oilfield. I have had a bit of this go on before I knew what the hell I was looking at. Men with a few screws loose can act an awful lot like dogs. You pet them once and feed them a scrap from your sandwhich, then they won't leave, then they get pissed and bite when you kick them out of the way. In future, be the lady that is polite, but nothing more. No more smiling and nodding, putting up with long visits. You're a professional with a husband, not some gimme that acts naive enjoying the attention. If you do enjoy the attention, you need to get a grip. This is your mess, you allowed it to happen. Now you fix it. Yes, the man was in the wrong, absolutely. But you have allowed yourself to be the victim, and it's time for that to go away, whatever your reasons are. 1. You need to confirm this to your boss. Sounds like boss already knows. Boss just probably waiting to see what you'll do to get yourself out of the situation. Bosses always know more than you think. That's their job. I know, I just had a female employee soaking up attention, then wig out over the same expression. Your situation and explanations are almost carbon copy. Stop being naive, this happens all the time. Even if you yourself couldn't see it happening, I guarantee everyone else did, and has their own, probably jaded, opinions about the situation. 2. You need to tell your husband. You need to tell your husband. What on Earth do you have a husband for, girlie, if not protection and partnership against external baddies?? You need to tell your husband. You are his wife. My husband would be in destroy mode by now, and I'd have the documentation to back him in court. 3. If you have not already done so, you need to put your side of the story and any dates, specific occurrences, etc into writing. Print it out and keep it on hand. Print out another copy for your boss. 3.5 You need to make sure somebody walks with you to your car after work. No excuses. 4. The next time dude rolls up in your office, you better be recording the entire conversation, the one that starts with you stating, "I am not interested in conversing with you. I am not in love with you. I do not like you. Leave me alone, walk a big circle around me from now on. Authorities and my husband have been notified of your actions towards me, which I do not like, nor encourage. Please leave and never speak to me again." 5. If this doesn't help, you better go to the police. My husband being himself, the cops would get called all right, but it would be after hours, off property, and it would be the Dude making the call. You got yourself into this mess, whatever the naïveté or not. Time to deal and face the music. I'm working on fixing it. Thanks for your input. Heading to a meeting with my two bosses now and I'm going to explain the situation. He hasn't come in my office at all today, so that's a good thing. I do avoid running into him because it just makes me feel uneasy. My husband does know, but he didn't seem to concerned, or just didn't let me know he was. I haven't looked the guy in the eyes at all today, I don't know if I should be staring him down or avoiding him.
Hope that you get this all taken care of, so that you're working life can get back to normal  | |
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Good for you! Be direct. Get this thing knocked out. As for the dude, don't acknowledge him in any way. It will just encourage him.
Be straight up with your bosses. I'd like to scold your hubby, this kind of thing can go sideways really quick! Just keep your head up and go with your gut. | |
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Sock Snob
Posts: 3021
| I had a guy who wasnot all there love me in high school he would stalk me that is before the laws are what they are now. I found out they one of my coworkers knew some of his kin had then talk to him. He was a slow leaner probably had the intellect of am 8th grader, so i was trying not to be cruel just firm. But sometimes even when you spell it out, some guys like it when you are mean. It goes past firm. Some people are just not right so it does not matter what you say. But get you boss or someother guy maybe hubby to tell him to leave you alone ot they will press charges. That stalker was about 35 yoears ago.
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 Expert
Posts: 4121
Location: SE Louisiana | Carbon Copy - 2014-08-07 1:12 PM
The ol scratch and sniff test.
I remember those when I was a kid... but this,,,,.... redefines it and gives it a hole new meaning... 
Edited by komet. 2014-08-07 10:54 PM
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | Ok...if you work for an educational institution Title IX applies here and your entire college can get in serious hot water if this situation continues or goes badly. Your institution should have a Title IX liason for you. THAT is who you can go to and it is their entire job to see that the situation is corrected. Your sneaking to the bathroom etc to avoid him is a classic example of a Hostile Work Environment. And...there are penalties for Retaliation by either the creep or your boss/supervisor.
Take action...do it now...do it rationally. If you are fearful he will retaliate...make that clear to the HR staff. Docuement anything that happens. | |
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 Tough Patooty
Posts: 2615
Location: Sperry, OK | Update today? How did things go with the bosses yesterday? | |
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 Expert
Posts: 2161
Location: NW. Florida | komet. - 2014-08-07 10:39 PM Carbon Copy - 2014-08-07 1:12 PM The ol scratch and sniff test. I remember those when I was a kid... but this,,,,.... redefines it and gives it a hole new meaning...
She's probably been told by someone that she acted like her sh*t didn't stink....she was just testing it. I'm of age of the scratch and sniff too. It just struck me as funny.
To OP hope you've come up with a solution with your boss. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1956
Location: Ky | FlyingJT - 2014-08-06 2:24 PM I just told him, not 5 minutes ago, that I am very sorry that he is attracted to a married women but I am married, happily with two children for over 10 years, and he is going to have to get over it because there is nothing that will, could, maybe happen. That i'm very sorry to sound mean and that I don't care about his feelings but things need to return back to normal. He said sorry and that one day he hopes that I can tell him the truth about how I feel about him..... awkward!!!!! (I don't understand this guy) He then gave me a hand shake and disappeared! Luckily I'll never have to be alone with this person but unfortunately I'm the only female in my office and I have told one other person and like my husband he thought it was funny and nothing to worry about.. Maybe being a female I look differently at things but I feel like this is something to worry about.
I am a small business owner and male. We don't have a large staff any more but we used to. I've read this whole thread now. Your response above seems to have been the proper move to take. You didn't want to cause him trouble and just wanted to be clear to him that you were not interested and to stop with his behavior.
You should most definately tell your husband also.
No one can give you advice on the computer without knowing more info and how your work relationship was before and how you two got along before.
If that ended the problem then it was a simple misunderstanding. But, from some of your following posts it seems that it did not end the situation. Just the overt part of it. That is not acceptable in any form or fashion. Have no further conversations with him. Go to your direct supervisor and tell them exactly what happened and what's still happening. If that person takes no action then go to their boss.
After going through the chain of command and no action has been taken, talk to an attorney. There is no reason for you to be harassed in the workplace and this is harassment pure and simple.
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 Chasin my Dream
Posts: 13651
Location: Alberta | I'm just hoping for a safe resolution to this all and please don't disregard that he doesn't know where you live or hasn't maybe followed you or potentially may....stalkers have their own frame of mind beyond our understanding! | |
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  Potato Soup Queen
Location: Alabama | You were nice because you have a submissive personality, and that could get you into trouble!
Men don't view "nice" the same way we do or for the same reasons.
Get over it, before he gets over on you (and not in a good way). Grow a spine and tell him to
STAY AWAY | |
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Expert
Posts: 4121
Location: SE Louisiana | Farrierlady - 2014-08-09 11:49 PM
You were nice because you have a submissive personality, and that could get you into trouble!
Men don't view "nice" the same way we do or for the same reasons.
Get over it, before he gets over on you (and not in a good way). Grow a spine and tell him to
STAY AWAY
Translation here... Get a Tazer and ZAP him to the floor the next time he steps into your cube... Then keep zapping him until someone takes it away... I promise he won't come back.... (oh and screaming like a banshee helps too) | |
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Expert
Posts: 1599
| Bump for update? OP, the reason I got short with you was out of genuine concern for your well-being. Can't take this stuff lightly! | |
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 Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | Did the beans work??? | |
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Expert
Posts: 1857
| LRQHS - 2014-08-11 2:17 PM
Did the beans work???
Only on successfully getting myself kicked to the couch! haha! But on a serious note I did talk with my bosses. We did a "informal resolution" which was documented, and reported to the University's Title IX Coordinator. The consequences were discussed with him if he doesn't leave me alone, he will have the report on his record for 3yrs, and a resolution has been reached for protecting me from him. He will be leaving at the end of the football season. So.... all is well today! | |
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Expert
Posts: 1857
| lopnaround - 2014-08-11 2:14 PM
Bump for update? OP, the reason I got short with you was out of genuine concern for your well-being. Can't take this stuff lightly!
Sometimes you just need a good slap in the face to make you see things differently. No worries and no hard feelings. | |
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Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | FlyingJT - 2014-08-11 4:08 PM LRQHS - 2014-08-11 2:17 PM Did the beans work??? Only on successfully getting myself kicked to the couch! haha! But on a serious note I did talk with my bosses. We did a "informal resolution" which was documented, and reported to the University's Title IX Coordinator. The consequences were discussed with him if he doesn't leave me alone, he will have the report on his record for 3yrs, and a resolution has been reached for protecting me from him. He will be leaving at the end of the football season. So.... all is well today!
Whateva....it was the beans.....you can't fool me :)
Glad it worked out :) | |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | FlyingJT - 2014-08-11 4:08 PM LRQHS - 2014-08-11 2:17 PM Did the beans work??? Only on successfully getting myself kicked to the couch! haha! But on a serious note I did talk with my bosses. We did a "informal resolution" which was documented, and reported to the University's Title IX Coordinator. The consequences were discussed with him if he doesn't leave me alone, he will have the report on his record for 3yrs, and a resolution has been reached for protecting me from him. He will be leaving at the end of the football season. So.... all is well today!
Glad to hear that you talked to you're bosses about this,  | |
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 Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | Southtxponygirl - 2014-08-11 5:23 PM FlyingJT - 2014-08-11 4:08 PM LRQHS - 2014-08-11 2:17 PM Did the beans work??? Only on successfully getting myself kicked to the couch! haha! But on a serious note I did talk with my bosses. We did a "informal resolution" which was documented, and reported to the University's Title IX Coordinator. The consequences were discussed with him if he doesn't leave me alone, he will have the report on his record for 3yrs, and a resolution has been reached for protecting me from him. He will be leaving at the end of the football season. So.... all is well today!
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | FlyingJT - 2014-08-11 4:08 PM LRQHS - 2014-08-11 2:17 PM Did the beans work??? Only on successfully getting myself kicked to the couch! haha! But on a serious note I did talk with my bosses. We did a "informal resolution" which was documented, and reported to the University's Title IX Coordinator. The consequences were discussed with him if he doesn't leave me alone, he will have the report on his record for 3yrs, and a resolution has been reached for protecting me from him. He will be leaving at the end of the football season. So.... all is well today!
Edited by TrailGirl 2014-08-12 7:29 AM
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