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 Expert
Posts: 1718
  
Location: Southeast Louisiana | TXBO - 2015-03-07 3:36 PM
Hollywood's Fan - 2015-03-07 2:01 PM classicpotatochip - 2015-03-08 11:23 AM Bear - 2015-03-07 12:14 PM Women in general need to be reminded that they should nurture and pamper their husbands. It's their duty, in addition to love, honor, and obey. Oh lord. I'm headed to make popcorn. 
I know plenty of women who only read the second part. They expect a man to make them happy, read their minds, cook, clean, provide financially, meet all their needs and it's still not enough. Some people can still find fault in everything. | |
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  Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
  
Location: Florida.. | maybe read The Love Dare together. 40 days of loves journey. | |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | oija - 2015-03-07 8:22 PM
Many of the comments on here are why the divorce rate in this country is at 50% and rising. We no longer respect marriages, specifically marriages that are fixable. I very much understand that some people split for legitimate reasons relating to infidelity, abuse, and/or substance abuse. This is not one of those cases.
Go back and look at the OP's original post. She realizes there is a problem with her behavior. She does say he can be a bit childish and I'm actually going to take her at her word. We all are capable of being childish when our feelings are hurt. It takes a lot just to recognize where you might be wrong, and she already is aware of some of her own mistakes. She admits to knowing her problem and even gives a specific instance or two.
She also stresses how much she appreciates her husband; she knows he's a good man. She just doesn't know HOW to help herself say yes, to help him feel appreciated and loved. She said it would be fine if everyone told her to 'get over herself.' For some reason everyone took this as an invitation to paint her red and slap on some horns and a tail. I saw a cry for practical advice, something along the lines of , "Help, I've got a good man. I'm screwing up here. Tell me some SPECIFIC THINGS I CAN DO TO FIX IT because I am SO CONFUSED." Didn't hear a cry for "Please come tell me what a miserable person I am so I know I will never fix my marriage and should never even try because I am a useless human being."
She flat out says she loves him in the original post; she just doesn't know how to show it. Even if she loves him like a friend, SHE STILL LOVES HIM. It's a darn good place to start. How many people end up being blessed enough to fall in love with a real friend? She says she had picked losers before so why are we performing a BHW dogpile on her because she made a HEALTHY choice and fixed her picker. It was broken; she was picking up b*st*rds. She fixed it so now let's all make sure we abuse her to the ends of the earth for it.
Did anyone notice that she stopped posting after page 3? She disengaged. I teach writing. People take comments about this stuff super personally. That's why criticism should be focused on the behavior, not the person. I saw most of her responses on pages 1 & 2 as realistic and self aware, a person willing and wanting to grow.
Aarrghhhhh!
We all express our opinions on here. I respect our rights to free speech in this country. But before you go into attack mode, make sure the person really is Hitler with boobs instead of a sincere wife who loves her husband and wants some help.
I think coming on here and laying out her situation KNOWING some of the answers/responses she was gonna get really shows that she's asking for ways to help her marriage. I don't have the answers for her, but I respect that she's trying to make a go of her marriage instead of just walking out. Too easy to do that these days. And he may would much rather have this woman in his life working thru their issues than to have her out of his life. . . . | |
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 pressure dripper
Posts: 8696
Location: the end of the rainbow | oija - 2015-03-07 6:22 PM Many of the comments on here are why the divorce rate in this country is at 50% and rising. We no longer respect marriages, specifically marriages that are fixable. I very much understand that some people split for legitimate reasons relating to infidelity, abuse, and/or substance abuse. This is not one of those cases. Go back and look at the OP's original post. She realizes there is a problem with her behavior. She does say he can be a bit childish and I'm actually going to take her at her word. We all are capable of being childish when our feelings are hurt. It takes a lot just to recognize where you might be wrong, and she already is aware of some of her own mistakes. She admits to knowing her problem and even gives a specific instance or two. She also stresses how much she appreciates her husband; she knows he's a good man. She just doesn't know HOW to help herself say yes, to help him feel appreciated and loved. She said it would be fine if everyone told her to 'get over herself.' For some reason everyone took this as an invitation to paint her red and slap on some horns and a tail. I saw a cry for practical advice, something along the lines of , "Help, I've got a good man. I'm screwing up here. Tell me some SPECIFIC THINGS I CAN DO TO FIX IT because I am SO CONFUSED." Didn't hear a cry for "Please come tell me what a miserable person I am so I know I will never fix my marriage and should never even try because I am a useless human being." She flat out says she loves him in the original post; she just doesn't know how to show it. Even if she loves him like a friend, SHE STILL LOVES HIM. It's a darn good place to start. How many people end up being blessed enough to fall in love with a real friend? She says she had picked losers before so why are we performing a BHW dogpile on her because she made a HEALTHY choice and fixed her picker. It was broken; she was picking up b*st*rds. She fixed it so now let's all make sure we abuse her to the ends of the earth for it. Did anyone notice that she stopped posting after page 3? She disengaged. I teach writing. People take comments about this stuff super personally. That's why criticism should be focused on the behavior, not the person. I saw most of her responses on pages 1 & 2 as realistic and self aware, a person willing and wanting to grow. Aarrghhhhh! We all express our opinions on here. I respect our rights to free speech in this country. But before you go into attack mode, make sure the person really is Hitler with boobs instead of a sincere wife who loves her husband and wants some help.
 you are my hero. And you are a million times more literate with the same thoughts than I am. Besides everyone saying she is using him really needs to check themselves. She said she married for stability. Not money. You know stability.... a spouse who does the things he says he will, is where he says he's going to be and doesn't gamble away his paycheck..... that is a far cry from using him for the things he can provide her. | |
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pressure dripper
Posts: 8696
Location: the end of the rainbow | Now my advice to the op - worth exactly what you are paying for it - ask your husband to write you a letter about what it is that is currently bothering him. Then read it and answer it ... consider his feelings.. give them weight and respond to his feelings. If you are not communicating well right now figure out new ways to communicate.
Edited by willrodeo4food 2015-03-07 9:03 PM
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| willrodeo4food - 2015-03-07 8:57 PM
oija - 2015-03-07 6:22 PM Many of the comments on here are why the divorce rate in this country is at 50% and rising. We no longer respect marriages, specifically marriages that are fixable. I very much understand that some people split for legitimate reasons relating to infidelity, abuse, and/or substance abuse. This is not one of those cases. Go back and look at the OP's original post. She realizes there is a problem with her behavior. She does say he can be a bit childish and I'm actually going to take her at her word. We all are capable of being childish when our feelings are hurt. It takes a lot just to recognize where you might be wrong, and she already is aware of some of her own mistakes. She admits to knowing her problem and even gives a specific instance or two. She also stresses how much she appreciates her husband; she knows he's a good man. She just doesn't know HOW to help herself say yes, to help him feel appreciated and loved. She said it would be fine if everyone told her to 'get over herself.' For some reason everyone took this as an invitation to paint her red and slap on some horns and a tail. I saw a cry for practical advice, something along the lines of , "Help, I've got a good man. I'm screwing up here. Tell me some SPECIFIC THINGS I CAN DO TO FIX IT because I am SO CONFUSED." Didn't hear a cry for "Please come tell me what a miserable person I am so I know I will never fix my marriage and should never even try because I am a useless human being." She flat out says she loves him in the original post; she just doesn't know how to show it. Even if she loves him like a friend, SHE STILL LOVES HIM. It's a darn good place to start. How many people end up being blessed enough to fall in love with a real friend? She says she had picked losers before so why are we performing a BHW dogpile on her because she made a HEALTHY choice and fixed her picker. It was broken; she was picking up b*st*rds. She fixed it so now let's all make sure we abuse her to the ends of the earth for it. Did anyone notice that she stopped posting after page 3? She disengaged. I teach writing. People take comments about this stuff super personally. That's why criticism should be focused on the behavior, not the person. I saw most of her responses on pages 1 & 2 as realistic and self aware, a person willing and wanting to grow. Aarrghhhhh! We all express our opinions on here. I respect our rights to free speech in this country. But before you go into attack mode, make sure the person really is Hitler with boobs instead of a sincere wife who loves her husband and wants some help.
  you are my hero.  And you are a million times more literate with the same thoughts than I am.   Besides everyone saying she is using him really needs to check themselves.  She said she  married for stability.  Not money.  You know stability.... a spouse who does the things he says he will, is where he says he's going to be and doesn't gamble away his paycheck.....  that is a far cry from using him for the things he can provide her.
No one actually knows if the op married for money or not.
Stability can me financial, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, social, economical, etc
Edited to add we honestly don't need to know, i have learned as soon as you make assumptions, you make an ass out of yourself.
Past three pages, I don't believe there was anything to respond to, no questions, and her question was answered in the first three pages, she can start there and decide where to go.
Edited by cheryl makofka 2015-03-07 9:16 PM
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 Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | cheryl makofka - 2015-03-07 9:09 PM
willrodeo4food - 2015-03-07 8:57 PM
oija - 2015-03-07 6:22 PM Many of the comments on here are why the divorce rate in this country is at 50% and rising. We no longer respect marriages, specifically marriages that are fixable. I very much understand that some people split for legitimate reasons relating to infidelity, abuse, and/or substance abuse. This is not one of those cases. Go back and look at the OP's original post. She realizes there is a problem with her behavior. She does say he can be a bit childish and I'm actually going to take her at her word. We all are capable of being childish when our feelings are hurt. It takes a lot just to recognize where you might be wrong, and she already is aware of some of her own mistakes. She admits to knowing her problem and even gives a specific instance or two. She also stresses how much she appreciates her husband; she knows he's a good man. She just doesn't know HOW to help herself say yes, to help him feel appreciated and loved. She said it would be fine if everyone told her to 'get over herself.' For some reason everyone took this as an invitation to paint her red and slap on some horns and a tail. I saw a cry for practical advice, something along the lines of , "Help, I've got a good man. I'm screwing up here. Tell me some SPECIFIC THINGS I CAN DO TO FIX IT because I am SO CONFUSED." Didn't hear a cry for "Please come tell me what a miserable person I am so I know I will never fix my marriage and should never even try because I am a useless human being." She flat out says she loves him in the original post; she just doesn't know how to show it. Even if she loves him like a friend, SHE STILL LOVES HIM. It's a darn good place to start. How many people end up being blessed enough to fall in love with a real friend? She says she had picked losers before so why are we performing a BHW dogpile on her because she made a HEALTHY choice and fixed her picker. It was broken; she was picking up b*st*rds. She fixed it so now let's all make sure we abuse her to the ends of the earth for it. Did anyone notice that she stopped posting after page 3? She disengaged. I teach writing. People take comments about this stuff super personally. That's why criticism should be focused on the behavior, not the person. I saw most of her responses on pages 1 & 2 as realistic and self aware, a person willing and wanting to grow. Aarrghhhhh! We all express our opinions on here. I respect our rights to free speech in this country. But before you go into attack mode, make sure the person really is Hitler with boobs instead of a sincere wife who loves her husband and wants some help.
  you are my hero.  And you are a million times more literate with the same thoughts than I am.   Besides everyone saying she is using him really needs to check themselves.  She said she  married for stability.  Not money.  You know stability.... a spouse who does the things he says he will, is where he says he's going to be and doesn't gamble away his paycheck.....  that is a far cry from using him for the things he can provide her.
No one actually knows if the op married for money or not.
Stability can me financial, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, social, economical, etc
The OP is clear about what she means when she says stable and safe. To quote: "Because he was stable and safe. I had spent several years in relationships with plenty of attraction but ended up being cheated on, lied to, constant fighting, etc. I traded physical attraction for stability."
Her words would seem to indicate she was trying to avoid "being cheated on, lied to, constant fighting." That seems perfectly reasonable. | |
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 BHW Resident Surgeon
Posts: 25351
Location: Bastrop, Texas | Oija, I actually think you are right. My original post was my gut reaction, and probably not very thoughtful, and certainly not very helpful. Then again, who knows? Maybe it was. | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 350
| oija - 2015-03-07 10:16 PM
cheryl makofka - 2015-03-07 9:09 PM
willrodeo4food - 2015-03-07 8:57 PM
oija - 2015-03-07 6:22 PM Many of the comments on here are why the divorce rate in this country is at 50% and rising. We no longer respect marriages, specifically marriages that are fixable. I very much understand that some people split for legitimate reasons relating to infidelity, abuse, and/or substance abuse. This is not one of those cases. Go back and look at the OP's original post. She realizes there is a problem with her behavior. She does say he can be a bit childish and I'm actually going to take her at her word. We all are capable of being childish when our feelings are hurt. It takes a lot just to recognize where you might be wrong, and she already is aware of some of her own mistakes. She admits to knowing her problem and even gives a specific instance or two. She also stresses how much she appreciates her husband; she knows he's a good man. She just doesn't know HOW to help herself say yes, to help him feel appreciated and loved. She said it would be fine if everyone told her to 'get over herself.' For some reason everyone took this as an invitation to paint her red and slap on some horns and a tail. I saw a cry for practical advice, something along the lines of , "Help, I've got a good man. I'm screwing up here. Tell me some SPECIFIC THINGS I CAN DO TO FIX IT because I am SO CONFUSED." Didn't hear a cry for "Please come tell me what a miserable person I am so I know I will never fix my marriage and should never even try because I am a useless human being." She flat out says she loves him in the original post; she just doesn't know how to show it. Even if she loves him like a friend, SHE STILL LOVES HIM. It's a darn good place to start. How many people end up being blessed enough to fall in love with a real friend? She says she had picked losers before so why are we performing a BHW dogpile on her because she made a HEALTHY choice and fixed her picker. It was broken; she was picking up b*st*rds. She fixed it so now let's all make sure we abuse her to the ends of the earth for it. Did anyone notice that she stopped posting after page 3? She disengaged. I teach writing. People take comments about this stuff super personally. That's why criticism should be focused on the behavior, not the person. I saw most of her responses on pages 1 & 2 as realistic and self aware, a person willing and wanting to grow. Aarrghhhhh! We all express our opinions on here. I respect our rights to free speech in this country. But before you go into attack mode, make sure the person really is Hitler with boobs instead of a sincere wife who loves her husband and wants some help.
  you are my hero.  And you are a million times more literate with the same thoughts than I am.   Besides everyone saying she is using him really needs to check themselves.  She said she  married for stability.  Not money.  You know stability.... a spouse who does the things he says he will, is where he says he's going to be and doesn't gamble away his paycheck.....  that is a far cry from using him for the things he can provide her.
No one actually knows if the op married for money or not.
Stability can me financial, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, social, economical, etc
The OP is clear about what she means when she says stable and safe. To quote: "Because he was stable and safe. I had spent several years in relationships with plenty of attraction but ended up being cheated on, lied to, constant fighting, etc. I traded physical attraction for stability."
Her words would seem to indicate she was trying to avoid "being cheated on, lied to, constant fighting." That seems perfectly reasonable.
I AGREE WITH OIJA! You are right on! Sorry but some of you guys were judging that young lady way to harshly. Hugs to the OP and prayers for you as you and your hubby work on your marriage. You CAN do it. 
Edited by lucky2 2015-03-07 9:50 PM
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pressure dripper
Posts: 8696
Location: the end of the rainbow | SoConfused - 2015-03-05 8:30 PM outrundaizy - 2015-03-05 10:07 PM Was there ever physical attraction there? Are you happy when everything is perfect in your relationship(no problems)? To me it sounds like he will get over the animal thing, and that the problem here is much deeper than what you wrote about... You are right, there is a much deeper problem, and it's me. I take him for granted and assume he would never leave me. So when he says things like he did tonight, it rocks my world back into reality and reminds me that he would be much better off without me than I would be without him....I just don't treat him that way. But I honestly don't know how to change my mindset. How do I make myself appreciate him for what he is instead of wishing he was something he's not? I know that it is my fault, and he deserves better than what I give him, I just can't seem to bring myself to change.
Make a list of things about your husband that you do find attractive. Then make a point to compliment him about one of those things on that list every day. No texts or phone calls for this exercise, to his face and in person give him one compliment or tell him one thing you are thankful to him for every day. | |
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 Money Eating Baggage Owner
Posts: 9586
Location: Phoenix | If I couldn't only take one person's advice on this post, it would be oija's. | |
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | Bibliafarm - 2015-03-07 8:46 PM
maybe read The Love Dare together. 40 days of loves journey.
Tried to think of this book last night when I first read this post. My SO and I did it after a very very rough patch. It makes you think and many issues and discussions can come to light. I feel it was a help.
Edited by Chandler's Mom 2015-03-07 10:45 PM
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Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | Chandler's Mom - 2015-03-07 11:43 PM Bibliafarm - 2015-03-07 8:46 PM
maybe read The Love Dare together. 40 days of loves journey.
Tried to think of this book last night when I first read this post. My SO and I did it after a very very rough patch. It makes you think and many issues and discussions can come to light. I feel it was a help.
yes I am not sure for I havent read it but my son did and it helped him alot. I apologize to op if i sounded harsh.. but her posts did sound that way and its not my business and noones really on here but she put it out there..and yes I was opinionated I rarely post on relationship stuff for I feel its personal and not public .. | |
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Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | Bibliafarm - 2015-03-07 10:51 PM
Chandler's Mom - 2015-03-07 11:43 PM Bibliafarm - 2015-03-07 8:46 PM
maybe read The Love Dare together. 40 days of loves journey.
Tried to think of this book last night when I first read this post. My SO and I did it after a very very rough patch. It makes you think and many issues and discussions can come to light. I feel it was a help.
Biblia, please know that my comments were general. I also rarely post on stuff this personal for the same reasons you named. I just saw negative comment after negative comment. If the OP had been juvenile or overly defensive I would have stayed silent. Sometimes a good slap upside the head is the right therapy. I just saw the negativity in an instance where it seemed unwarranted. That is a good book btw. And I respect your wisdom and thoughts. You're a great addition to BHW.
Edited by oija 2015-03-07 11:04 PM
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | Prayers that she and her husband find a solution and peace | |
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Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | oija - 2015-03-08 12:03 AM Bibliafarm - 2015-03-07 10:51 PM Chandler's Mom - 2015-03-07 11:43 PM Bibliafarm - 2015-03-07 8:46 PM
maybe read The Love Dare together. 40 days of loves journey.
Tried to think of this book last night when I first read this post. My SO and I did it after a very very rough patch. It makes you think and many issues and discussions can come to light. I feel it was a help. Biblia, please know that my comments were general. I also rarely post on stuff this personal for the same reasons you named. I just saw negative comment after negative comment. If the OP had been juvenile or overly defensive I would have stayed silent. Sometimes a good slap upside the head is the right therapy. I just saw the negativity in an instance where it seemed unwarranted. That is a good book btw. And I respect your wisdom and thoughts. You're a great addition to BHW.
I know.. :) no worries.. i glanced thru this book and there is another he had .. Ill try to find it.. it looked really good. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1273
Location: South Dakota | Thank you Oija. I was thinking the same thing but could never have expressed myself that well. | |
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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| I hope that Ouija is right and I am wrong. Because even men that are unattractive cheat. Every time she pushes him away it destroys his pride and you don't do that to someone you love. So I will apologize for my comments but if she can't find a way to love him fully, she will end up with the same result.
Here's hoping. | |
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I'm a Cry Baby
Posts: 3780
Location: n.c. | For what it's worth; how do you want to be treated? Ask yourself that question and then apply it to how you treat your
husband. | |
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 BHW's Lance Armstrong 
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | Â Just checking back to see how far down hill this may has gone and how vicious it has become. Ladies I am proud of you it is pretty civil. | |
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