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  Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
   
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | LoudAppy - 2013-12-06 1:50 PM I'm gonna be the bad guy here. I am sorry this happened to you. It happens to a lot of people and it's perfectly normal. Yes, the doctor's office is not going to be sympathetic because it's just another medical thing to them. There is no way of knowing if you're susceptible to miscarriages until you have multiple miscarriages. Just go on back to your life as best as you can. It does get easier. This experience has taught you that you are able to get pregnant and you can do it again. It will make you more appreciative of the child you will carry to term. I speak from experience.
"If" I ever carry one to term...not that I would have appreciated this child just as much.
My doctor pretty much told me today that this was my fault because I've waited so long to get pregnant (33 years old) and I just have to deal with it. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 720
| Get a woman doctor. Not that they will be more sympathetic, but maybe more understanding. I was 33 when I had my daughter 16 years ago. My 33-year-old doctor was pregnant when she delivered her.
None of this "if" stuff, either. You need to stay positive. I know you're more positive than that in other areas of your life, this should be no different.
Edited by LoudAppy 2013-12-06 12:56 PM
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Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | LoudAppy - 2013-12-06 1:55 PM Get a woman doctor. Not that they will be more sympathetic, but maybe more understanding. I was 33 when I had my daughter 16 years ago. My 33-year-old doctor was pregnant when she delivered her.
None of this "if" stuff, either. You need to stay positive. I know you're more positive than that in other areas of your life, this should be no different.
I'm not looking for a doctor that will coddle me and feel sorry for me, but it would be nice if they actually cared enough to get the test results to me when they have ahd them in hand all week rather then make me wait and wonder. And a doctor who isn't going to tell me I'm an idiot for waiting until I was 33 to get pregnant. I didn't even get married until I was 29.
And everybody handles every situation different so if I'm not as upbeat and positive as everyone thinks I should be, well, I'm not going to sit here and make excuses..... |
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 Reaching for the stars....
Posts: 12704
| I, too, think you should find another doctor. No doctor should make you feel bad. Coddling is one thing, but laying guilt on a patient is another. 33 is NOT too old to get started with a family, even in Missouri.
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 Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | I'm about to be 37 and every year he asks me the same thing in a barely understandable Phillipino voice, "You have baybay this yea???". And every year I say no, i'm too old. I "think" he says no you not, you are in pwime age to have baybay. Maybe you should come see my doctor. He certainly won't tell you you're stupid for waiting too long.....i'm thinking he's still going to be trying to convince me to have baybay when i'm 47! LOL
Sorry, not taking your situation lightly, just trying to make you smile. Know this isn't the road, it's the beginning and we all have complications along the way. Just keep smiling, happiness is a choice regardless of the things we are going through. You can do this!  |
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 The Rose of Rodeo...
Posts: 2560
Location: Where we still run to look when the siren goes by. | I work with a lot of OB pts and 33 is NOT too old to start. Trust me there are a lot of 30+ year olds with their first OB appointments. Yes, we see a lot of miscarriages and while it’s another routine appointment for us, it is a totally foreign experience for that patient. It’s not your fault. Miscarriages, unfortunately, are very common.
Can you try another clinic? Drs, clinical staff, nobody, should be making you feel that way. Let the administrator know, I’m sure they’d love to know that.
Like others have mentioned, get busy with your horses, talk to them and take them for a walk. TALK to your husband as well, he is going through a hard time too and often men have a harder time dealing with these emotions.
Hugs and prayers of comfort! This is not the end sister!
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | missroselee - 2013-12-06 12:52 PM LoudAppy - 2013-12-06 1:50 PM I'm gonna be the bad guy here. I am sorry this happened to you. It happens to a lot of people and it's perfectly normal. Yes, the doctor's office is not going to be sympathetic because it's just another medical thing to them. There is no way of knowing if you're susceptible to miscarriages until you have multiple miscarriages. Just go on back to your life as best as you can. It does get easier. This experience has taught you that you are able to get pregnant and you can do it again. It will make you more appreciative of the child you will carry to term. I speak from experience.
"If" I ever carry one to term...not that I would have appreciated this child just as much.
My doctor pretty much told me today that this was my fault because I've waited so long to get pregnant (33 years old) and I just have to deal with it.
No offence, but reading this makes me strongly dislike your doctor. LOL
I work in a medical genectics laboratory, and until recently we did prenatal testing (we are now sending them out to another lab).
You are not considered AMA, or advanced maternal age, until 35. However, even after that age, plenty of women have healthy babies. My co-worker delivered her first at 37. I would definitely be in search of a new doctor.
One miscarriage (esp first pregnancy) is very common. They can do genetic testing, but usually that is only recommended after multiple miscarriages, normally because it is very expensive, and I'm guessing insurance has outlines for when they will pay for testing. You husband will also be tested (it's a blood test for both of you) if you need to go this route.
Try not to worry. Honestly the to miscarry the first pregnancy is quite common. My mother had one before she had me. |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Switch doctors and do not doubt yourself about doing so. You have to be your own advocate and if you are not getting the support and answers you need from this doctor get a new one. My neice was born with a severe seizure disorder and spent her life in and out of hospitals. My sister quickly learned not to be intimidated by the medical community and when necessary cause a stir to get tests and care for her daughter. She was right so many times that the doctors quit questioning her. Fight for what you need, I would keep after them till you get the testing you want done. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1117
Location: MI | Many hugs to you. I have never been in that situation but one of my best friends had one last spring, but is now 5 months pregnant and going well. She's only 24 ..I guess I'm tell you this because just like everyone says, it does happen, to women of all ages. 33 is not that old- it's early thirties. I also agree with others, a different doctor may be good.. Like you said- not only the vibe you got from him but also the way the office has been handling things. I think it'd help you get a fresh start too |
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Expert
Posts: 1543
Location: MI | Missroselee, I hurt for what you are going through. I would try another Dr., personally, because you sound uncomfortable with the way they have treated you through this - and I don't blame you a bit.
I'm not 100% sure that another office may not have made the same mistake/infraction/etc. I hate that when I go the the Dr. I seem to get asked the same questions over and over, it shows that they haven't retained the information from the last visit a month ago or read my chart. I think there isn't much of an excuse for this. That being said, I will (trying to be nice, but get my point across) remind them that we have been through this before. However, if it was dealing with a sensitive issue such as this, I would move on. There are offices out that that will see you as a person first.
As for the genetic testing, my sister has had multiple miscarriages, but she didn't go for genetic testing/it wasn't recommended until after the 3rd.
I'm praying for you and your husband daily. Much love |
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Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | So is it common enough that there's a really good chance there's nothing wrong with me physically? I have always had difficult women issues. Severe cramping and high fevers/illness every time I cycle. Enough to land me in the ER three times as a teenager, and enough to put me on birth control my whole life. And not pills where I get a cycle, the kind of BC where I don't cycle at all. If not on BC I had/have severe issues with low iron, anemia, and hypoglycemia. It would land me right back on BC if I went off for more then 8-10 months. I would go off BC every 2-3 years just to take a break from it.
In 2012 I made a choice to stay off of it and went through holy hell the first four or five months, but then I seemed ok after that. Short periods, 2-3 days tops, and no fever, just a chest cold every time (coughing and feeling "down").
I still haven't decided we want to do this again but we are both leaning to it. I was horrified of the process of being pregnant and missing out with my "life" and horses, but it's only one stinking year. I have the rest of my life to ride and enjoy it, I only have so much time left if we want to give this another try.
Based on the fact that I will turn 34 in April, if we are going to try again, should we do it ASAP or are we hurting anything by waiting a few months? I wanted to wait until Spring/summer...give myself time to really get "over" this. |
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 Fact Checker
Posts: 16572
Location: Displaced Iowegian | missroselee - 2013-12-06 1:00 PM LoudAppy - 2013-12-06 1:55 PM Get a woman doctor. Not that they will be more sympathetic, but maybe more understanding. I was 33 when I had my daughter 16 years ago. My 33-year-old doctor was pregnant when she delivered her.
None of this "if" stuff, either. You need to stay positive. I know you're more positive than that in other areas of your life, this should be no different. I'm not looking for a doctor that will coddle me and feel sorry for me, but it would be nice if they actually cared enough to get the test results to me when they have ahd them in hand all week rather then make me wait and wonder. And a doctor who isn't going to tell me I'm an idiot for waiting until I was 33 to get pregnant. I didn't even get married until I was 29.
And everybody handles every situation different so if I'm not as upbeat and positive as everyone thinks I should be, well, I'm not going to sit here and make excuses.....
I feel so bad for you ......I can't say that I know how you feel since I have never been in your situation but have had friends who have been there. From their experiences, I think every one of them has experienced some feeling of guilt, albeit unwarranted. Each has taken different lengths of time to "grieve" so there is no set time. I certainly would be looking for a new DR. One, who lays guilt upon you, is very unprofessional and uncaring.....miscarriages have happened many time to MUCH younger women than you. |
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Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | We have tricare insurance, and in my experience, they will listen to us (the patients) and let us change doctors if we have a valid reason. The way they made me feel this week I think is valid. I don't think I could trust them a second time. I'm not saying they should drop everything for me, but if they care as little this time, would they even catch something next time?
I don't know how miscarriages truly work, but I feel like we missed something at the 9 week appointment. The fetus stopped developing week seven or eight. They did not even do an ultrasound at the 9 week appointment even though the doctor has serious concerns because my cervix had not even begun to close. Should that fact have necessiated an ultrasound or did they do things by the book? They did do a 6 week ultrasound and were planning a second ultrasound December 11th (which would have been my next OB appointment).
I am sorry I keep bringing this up guys. I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I am sorry that it seems like thousands of women go through this and nobody talks about it, but I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm just trying to sort things out and try to make my brain chill out |
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| First off I'm sorry you and your husband had to go through all this. I'd find another dr.
Now on another note some good friends of ours are 36 yrs old. She found out she was pregnant last yr right before thanksgiving a few weeks later they miscarried. They were heartbroken also as she is her age they do have three kids but wanted one more to complete their family. But had decided they were afraid to try again as she had previous miscarriages. Not a month and half later they were pregnant again, she got super sick one night and they went into er right away. She called a few if us terrified it was happening again but what was making her so sick is she was having triplets. Completely natural with no fertility stuff. She carried then until 32 weeks I think and they no have two beautiful girls and a handsome son that are 4 months old. So don't let anyone tell you that you are too old tiff!! Many hugs and prayers.
They also are air force and on tricare. They chose to go to drs at different place
Edited by gunsmoke 2013-12-06 1:57 PM
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | missroselee - 2013-12-06 1:45 PM So is it common enough that there's a really good chance there's nothing wrong with me physically? I have always had difficult women issues. Severe cramping and high fevers/illness every time I cycle. Enough to land me in the ER three times as a teenager, and enough to put me on birth control my whole life. And not pills where I get a cycle, the kind of BC where I don't cycle at all. If not on BC I had/have severe issues with low iron, anemia, and hypoglycemia. It would land me right back on BC if I went off for more then 8-10 months. I would go off BC every 2-3 years just to take a break from it.
In 2012 I made a choice to stay off of it and went through holy hell the first four or five months, but then I seemed ok after that. Short periods, 2-3 days tops, and no fever, just a chest cold every time (coughing and feeling "down").
I still haven't decided we want to do this again but we are both leaning to it. I was horrified of the process of being pregnant and missing out with my "life" and horses, but it's only one stinking year. I have the rest of my life to ride and enjoy it, I only have so much time left if we want to give this another try.
Based on the fact that I will turn 34 in April, if we are going to try again, should we do it ASAP or are we hurting anything by waiting a few months? I wanted to wait until Spring/summer...give myself time to really get "over" this.
Wait until you are ready. It is not a sudden "switch" of 35 being problematic. Statistically, the incidence of problems does increase with age steadily, not all at once.... 35 is basically the cutoff for a doctor recommending additional testing to rule out common genetic abnormalities due to statistical significance.
What I would suggest is telling your doctor about your menstrual troubles and having an ultrasound done if you haven't already had one. You may have some cysts or other issues, or hormonal levels off, etc (May or may not have anything to do with your miscarriage, likely not, but worth checking out if you never have before).
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Expert
Posts: 1543
Location: MI | From the vibe that I've gotten - and it's just that, from what I've seen - is that before the 12 week mark miscarriages are so common that there isn't much that can be done to 'save' them if it was going to happen. And, that so much developing is happening at that time, that if it miscarried, there is probably a reason, developmentally. Not that you weren't physically right, but that something in the development wasn't right.
Giving it a few months, I think, would be fine. Maybe visit a few doctors in the meantime?
You're doing good by talking about it |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 838
Location: Georgia | Prayers and hugs to you... If it were me, I don't think I could "wait" to try again. I think I would want to try again immediately, of course allow yourself time to heal, but I think (for me) waiting another 6 months would allow myself too much time to think and possibly talk myself out of trying again. Everyone is different and grieves differently, but I think trying again sooner my be beneficial to both you and your husband's emotions. Love on your husband, animals, and talk to whoever you need to talk to. Don't second guess yourself. You're a strong lady! |
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Addicted to Baseball
Location: Where the stars at night are big and bright, TX | Unfortnately many women miscarry and often don't even know it. Because it is so common, a person would have to have more than one to try to connect the dots. It's not likely they'll refer you to a specialist after one miscarry - if they do I'd guess that person would tell you the same thing when everything comes back normal anyway. I had one at 13 weeks when I was younger. It was a blighted ovum. Never was a baby. A fertilized egg can attach as normal but an embryo never develops. It was pretty significant when everything started and I had to have a D&C the same day.
Hormone fluxuations and feelings. You've gone nearly 3 months or more in my case into a pregnancy and of course you can already note the hormone changes on the increase, so the decrease of those hormones is also going to cause problems. Of course the loss is something to come to terms with but hormones will also make someone's frame of mind worse as they can anytime our hormones are fluctuating.
I think I'd find another dr. who is at least more sympathetic of your concerns and can answer some "what if" questions if you have them. More and more women have been waiting to have their children at later ages for a long time now and your dr. sounds like he's carrying his own opinions over into that. I finally had my first at 38 and my 2nd 11 months later at 39. My OB-GYN in our tiny town had five women at the same time as myself, from the ages of 42 - 51 having their first and they had perfectly healthy babies with no fertility support or concerns.
Getting pregnant is the hard part, your dr. and any dr. should and would tell you that - that's just a fact when comparing issues. When a woman can't even get pregnant, that's a greater indicator of problems to deal with. I'd not hesitate interviewing new doctors if I were you. It was very hard for me at the time, I was grateful to have every good doctors who educated me to my situation and I never walked away worried about my future chances for children. I did have a friend who had miscarriages between healthy births and it did take those 2-3 to learn she has progesterone issues in the beginning and once those were dealt with she immediately got pregnant and never miscarried again. Might add progesterone to your notes to ask about just for your own knowledge, it's a pretty common issue and solution for some women. |
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 Bulls Eye
Posts: 6443
Location: Oklahoma | My OBGYN had told me after my miscarriage that the following month you're more fertile. If you and Josh feel up to it, try...but don't put pressure on yourself. |
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Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | I think I need to stop worrying so much about the why. You guys are truly helping. I do think it will be in my best personal interest to change doctors. |
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