|
|
 Namesless in BHW
Posts: 10368
  
Location: At the race track with Ah Dee Ohs | I'm thinking he is an able bodied man that can cook a meal, do laundry and feed for goodness sakes. Don't take that all on yourself. Tell him to step up and be a man and HELP |
|
| |
|
 Expert
Posts: 1440
Location: Texas | Pretty much what everyone else has already said. Did y'all live together before you were married? It's when you live together that you really learn their bad habits lol. It will be hard but he will adjust if you don't cave in. Best of luck |
|
| |
|
Elite Veteran
Posts: 1079
| Cowgirlreg - 2013-12-04 10:26 AM Okay so I have been recently married since October, and I thought I had it all together organizing time making sure I am doing my job at work and at home but yesterday I left work feeling like I have the weight of the world on me because I am not doing what I need to do both at home and work. I am looking for some insight into how to manage my time as a newlywed. I feel like I don't have enough time to spend at work. I am an Ag teacher so I am after every day untill 4:15 with kids practicing for judging teams and can't work on lesson plans or grading papers, then I have to rush home to make dinner for the new hubby and make sure the horses are taken care of and the house is clean....but then am so exhausted I have zero energy to put into "husband/wife time". I have tried to ask hubby his suggestions and his idea is "IDK figure it out". But he doesn't like the idea of me staying at work any more than I do. I am just at a total quandry on how to handle my schedule as an Ag teacher (which requires many more hours than a regular teacher) and a new wife! I am so thankfull we only have 4 legged children!! hahah
Just because you got married doesn't mean you are a slave. I mean you still have your own life too. You sound like you want to put your husband's happiness completely and totally above your own sanity, and you can't do that. Pretty soon you will be bitter and angry at him and that can cause bigger problems. He sounds like he thinks he has a second "mom" to take care of him - sit him down and tell him how you feel. Hopefully he will have more to contribute than "IDK figure it out" or you may have a bigger problem. |
|
| |
|
 The Rose of Rodeo...
Posts: 2560
 
Location: Where we still run to look when the siren goes by. | kakbarrelracer - 2013-12-04 9:58 AM Just wait until you have kids. He will expect you to do everything you are doing now plus take care of your kids. I don't understand the thought process that a woman should act like a full time housewife and work full time. To me it would be a heck of a lot easier to just be single. LOL.
The man I have now is the last one.. after him I am sticking to horses..they are easier to train and A LOT smarter!! 
|
|
| |
|
  Northern Chocolate Queen
Posts: 16576
Location: ND | I made the same mistake you are making.....quit doing everything & trying to be super wife. All you are going to do is wear yourself out & teach him he can be useless in the house. My husband & his dad farm & ranch together. I'm a horse trainer & artist. So we all work from home. During the summer I train full time, from the time the sun comes up until dark I am working horses, help with the cattle as needed, make lunch for the guys when they're farming, help with haying, plus taking care of my garden & can veggies. Winter I take care of my horses, help the guys when needed & do my artwork. Even with being in the house most of the day due to the weather I typically work until 11 at night easily....I used to try to cook 2 meals a day, keep the house spotless, laundry put away & then woke up & realized I was doing it ALL on my own while he sat on the couch after coming in for the day. When it hit me that I was killing myself to do my jobs PLUS be a full time cook & house keeper I quit doing all cleaning & only cook once a day. I'll be the first to admit, my house is almost disgusting right now. But I refuse to clean it. This is my crazy busy season for drawing and I'm not taking time out of me day to clean when someone else is sitting on the internet all day. He wants a clean house he can clean it.....needless to say it looks like the house will remain dirty! Bottom line is you have to teach hubby how you want to be treated. If you keep doing everything he's going to continue to expect it, you're going to wear yourself out & he's going to wonder why you're no fun anymore. Stop it now before you're having to "retrain" like I am!
|
|
| |
|
 Dancing in my Mind
Posts: 3062
Location: Eastern OH but my heart is in WV | Both my husband and I were raised by stay at home moms. Until I had kids, I ALWAYS said that I wanted to be a working mom. "I CAN DO IT ALL!" Boy was that UNREALASTIC!!! But it took years of beating myself over it and I still do from time to time, especially over the house. However, I have also learned to just let some of it go.
I have had serious talks with my husband about wanting to quite work (or go half time) and take care of the home. He always tells me to get a forsale sign for the farm. So my response when he starts complaining about things not being done is, "You can't have it both ways!" This pretty much ends things anymore because the stress is not worth it.
Many hugs to you because it is going to take some working out with your self and your husband. You just need to keep in mind what is REALLY important the both of you. Being newly married, PLEASE stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Enjoy this new blist with your husband! I promise the rest will work itself's out. 
|
|
| |
|
 Expert
Posts: 1367
Location: mi | Oh Honey you need to get things figured out now. If you are both working then it's up to BOTH of you to make dinner and keep the house clean. Get him started on some of those chores long before the kids come along. Much easier to train them when they are young and there is only one of them. :) My hubby does his own laundry, snow, lawn, garbage and mostly the toilets. Also cleans up after I make dinner (he can not cook) and is very good at filling and empying the dishwasher. Will scrub a floor if I let it go long enough and picks up after himself better then I do. TRAIN HIM NOW!
|
|
| |
|
Extreme Veteran
Posts: 596
Location: Somewhere in the middle of nowhere | Rodeo Rose - 2013-12-04 10:21 AM kakbarrelracer - 2013-12-04 9:58 AM Just wait until you have kids. He will expect you to do everything you are doing now plus take care of your kids. I don't understand the thought process that a woman should act like a full time housewife and work full time. To me it would be a heck of a lot easier to just be single. LOL.
The man I have now is the last one.. after him I am sticking to horses..they are easier to train and A LOT smarter!!
You should also add...if things don't work out, its a lot cheaper to get rid of them |
|
| |
|
 Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | I can't really add anything to what has already been suggested.......most of us have been married for many years and you need to heed the advice given. If you don't have a serious "sit-down" and discuss HIS participation in the chores, you will end up resenting him. Good Luck! |
|
| |
|
Extreme Veteran
Posts: 306
| I understand where you are coming from. My boyfriend had a stay at home mom growing up that did EVERYTHING for him. And then when he got older she was still a stay at home wife with no children so she would go get his laundry and do it for him, clean his house, and cook for him occasionally.
My boyfriend is a hard worker but when it comes to things like cleaning, laundry and cooking its not something he puts effort into.
When we first moved in together I tried to be super girlfriend and take care of everything. It wasn't until one day he said "I don't have any clean underwear, is there laundry somewhere?" When I told him NO he proceeded to get angry at me.
Finally I said "Hey buddy, I am not your mother. I will not be checking on your underwear supply, your an 26 year old adult." He didn't like me insulting him but he got the point. Now I do things but on my schedule, not his. He'll do his laundry if he is short on something.
But to give you a hand anyways I have some ideas.
Crock pot meals......They will be ready when you get home. There is a website with a years worth.
Premade meals.....I premake all my lunches and my boyfriend breakfast sandwiches on Sundays for the entire week. He loves those sannies.
LISTS......I have laminated lists on the fridge of things to be done Daily, Weekly, and Monthly as far as cleaning. A little everyday saves from doing it all at once.
Grocery Lists......I don't know about you but if I don't go to the store with a plan I will A.) spend too much time in there B.) Spend too much money and C.) forget things.
And as far as energy.....make sure you are taking good care of yourself. Good diet and exercise will go a long way in the energy department and amp up the husband/ wife time. ;)
Schedule, Shedule, Schedule. Your life won't seem so hectic.
Fail to plan and you plan to fail. |
|
| |
|
Veteran
Posts: 149
Location: Along the Caney River | Everything that has been posted is RIGHT! The first husband(more like a child) I had did NOTHING at home. I was like you. Tried to work full time (school teacher) and take care of everything at home. Wore myself out, and he did nothing but go to his job, come home and watch tv while I busted my rear. I finally told him if his dirty clothes weren't in the basket they did not get washed. He was raised by a stay at home mom. He did not follow directions... So got rid of him!!!!
Now with number 2 it is a different story, started training him from beginning correctly. He picks up after himself, does laundry, will dust, run vaccum, and load and unload dishwasher even though he doesn't do it quite right I live with it! LOL. He doesn't mop because he says he can't work the shark mop, gave him a lesson right before Thanksgiving so he can add that to his resume! We work as a team. He helps with the inside of the house and I help him with the ranch work. We joke that the only person we can depend on is each other. Now with this all being said he was/is much more mature than the 1st husband.
Maturity plays a big part in team work and how they were raised. If MOMA did everything for them you will have to retrain him. IF that is the case RETRAIN NOW! DO NOT WAIT.
And as another poster said THEY DO NOT TAKE HINTS YOU HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT CLEARLY.
On occassion mine has to be reminded of teamwork, but is usually just takes me saying "I NEED YOUR HELP DOING....."
Good Luck
|
|
| |
|
 Underestimated Underdog
Posts: 3971
Location: Minnesota | Your situation sounds a lot like mine and my husband's. I will tell you that all these ladies are right. Take their advise. The amount of stress that you will feel if you don't change the situation is something I can't even explain. Men are like horses...if you let them get away with something once, it will take 30, 40, 100 times doing it the right way to fix it. Don't start your marriage off in a way you don't want to keep it. Ive been married a little over a year and I made the same mistakes your making and I'm paying for it dearly now. Please listen to the advise given to you and make some positive changes. I know its hard but you need to be fair to yourself. |
|
| |
|
Pig-Bear Dog Lover
| This is funny.. sorry ..I tell my husband hes a grown man if hes hungry put something in his mouth and eat it. I do cook when I can but most of the time we cook together. Sometimes hell go pick up food togo and the counts as his dinner night. Usually twice a week is his dinner nights. He does his own laundry. I sweep and mop mostly. Not ever single day. Its ok to go a couple days and let the house be a mess... wouldn't stress over it. Its called living. I have no problems telling him to find something to eat if I need to ride. I wouldn't stress over it take the time you need at work. Once your married long enough it becomes routine and you hardly notice. I hate cooking... Unfortunately but its like going to the gym.. its hard to wake up and get in the car to go but once your on the treadmill its easy. Just do what you need to do. I do make time for my husband though. If I notice I've been super busy I will take a day or two out of the week to solely focus on him. If that means staying home from a race to do something with him he likes to do I think its fair. |
|
| |
|
 I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
Location: MD | Does he eat the food, get some clothes dirty, and make messes in the house?
if so... I guess he gets to help and that's that. Otherwise that doesn't make any gosh darn sense. why would you have to work, cook, clean and he just has to work?
While we are only dating and living together, we still have a good system. He cooks, I clean. I sweep, he vacuums. He washes, I fold. etc.... If it isn't a team, It isn't working. (in my house anyway)
We do also do sweet things like I know I cooked, but I'll clean too since you've had a hard day. That way it's not always 50/50. |
|
| |
|
 Veteran
Posts: 224
Location: Southern OK aka God's Country | You can tell this is a HOT topic!! The best advice you got on here is spell it out, don't hint/suggest/hope/pout. A lot of women are passive aggressive and tend to beat around the bush and feel that the man should just "get it." Well, they don't. If he's not one of these wonderful rare breeds of men who take the intiative themselves to help you, then you have to specifically set out tasks that you want him to complete, and will probably have to for the remainder of your marriage. Hinting and hoping are not going to get you anything but extremely ****ed off--been there, done that. I have a friend whose motto is "Ask, Tell, Yell." And by God, it works (not that I yell all the time but when I do, they listen because they know I'm at the end of my rope). Having children will only double/triple your work load, so better to get this sorted out prior to having any. Being a working wife is hard enough. Being a working horsewoman wife is even harder, and being a working horsewoman wife mom is the hardest job in the world! Do yourself a favor now and get things sorted out no matter how uncomfortable it is. And don't expect it to be one and done. This is an ongoing issue in a lot of marriages, so don't feel like you're destined for failure, you just have to realize that marriage is WORK. Every single day. And some days are good, and some days are bad. I always liked the line in Sex & the City where Charlotte said, "I'm not happy all day, but I'm happy every day." I think that's a lot more realistic approach to marriage. |
|
| |
|
Nut Case Expert
Posts: 9305
Location: Tulsa, Ok | I defintely agree about participation of the husband in household chores. Additionally you may need to reset your priorities and maybe even lower some standards. There are times when you may need to opt for sanity over sanitation. |
|
| |
|
Elite Veteran
Posts: 612
| Everyone is right that your husband needs to help, but you also have to use some psychology and compromise. It is little things like saying thank you when he does help you - even though he doesn't thank you and is doing something that he just should be doing. Also, we usually don't eat until 7:30 or 8:00. I get home at 5:30, go and ride and then cook dinner. I don't spend as much time outside as I used to and sometimes I only ride for 20 or 30 minutes. I have a list of dinners that I can cook in about 30 or 40 minutes. Also, make time (and energy) for the husband/wife thing because that keeps them happy and then they are more likely to help you.
I can't complain because my husband does most of the outside chores and will even have my horse saddled when I get home sometimes. He also will help inside sometimes. We have a 7 year old son so that makes it a little tougher because he has to eat and go to bed at a decent time.
Relationships are hard but as long as both of you are willing to make compromises, you can do it all. I know that I am not as tough as most of the other girls that post, but this is what works for me and my husband. |
|
| |
|
 Road Rash Expert
Posts: 5501
Location: Near San Antonio, TX | I feel a lot like you sometimes. I feel like I have to be the best at work, the best mom, keep horses ridden, the perfect wife, keep the house clean, dinner cooked, etc, etc... My husband helps out a lot, but I LOVE to cook, so I do almost every night. If your husband can help out some to relieve your load, it is incredible help. I do a lot of crock-pot meals. Dinner ready when I get home! I also have recently hired a housekeeper to come in every two weeks to clean the house (today is the day she comes, so I will go home to clean house, yay!!). I just feel my time is better spent doing other things. My husband would love nothing more than for me to be a stay at home wife/mom, but I actually enjoy my job (that may vary depending on which day it is tho!)
The best thing is that teamwork is important. I don't think you said anything about your husband refusing to help, but if you are like me and want to do it all, it is hard! Especially for "wants." Like I want to keep horses ridden and in competitive shape, BUT I have things to do like laundry, feed my family, go to work, etc. I manage. :) |
|
| |
|
 Horsey Gene Carrier
Posts: 1888
Location: LaBelle, Florida | Print out the golden rule and leave it on the Refrigerator.
Happy Wife, Happy Life.
My hubby pulled the leave his boxer on the floor trick for about 3 weeks. Then would asked if I washed them...told him the washer was not gender specific and he was quite capable of turning the machine on. If it don't land in the laundry hamper, it don't get washed by me.
Seriously, you need to have a sit down with your hubby and tell him you need help and explain to him exactly what you need him to do. Draw pictures, leave lists, etc. |
|
| |
|
 Elite Veteran
Posts: 816
| nmeastplains - 2013-12-04 11:39 AM Rodeo Rose - 2013-12-04 10:21 AM kakbarrelracer - 2013-12-04 9:58 AM Just wait until you have kids. He will expect you to do everything you are doing now plus take care of your kids. I don't understand the thought process that a woman should act like a full time housewife and work full time. To me it would be a heck of a lot easier to just be single. LOL.
The man I have now is the last one.. after him I am sticking to horses..they are easier to train and A LOT smarter!!
and you can might make back some of the money you've put in! |
|
| |
Folks on-line