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 Cinnamon Honey One
Posts: 6549
   
Location: between here and there | You have gotten some very good advice here. I have one thing to add that has worked for me. I was in a similar situation growing up with an alcoholic father that was very abusive. Choices in your life are very important right now. You must forgive those who have tormented you first and foremost. THEY are the ones that have made bad choices, and until they face that, they are the losers not choosing to stay in your life. I feel sorry for my father. He is the one that missed out on a lot. My mother made choices similar to yours after she left him. I've had a lot of forgiving to do and I know that sounds contrary to what you THINK should happen, but you need to do it. Give it to God. He alone is strong enough and understands everything about you. Then, and only then can you move forward.
Whatever angers you, controls you. You will gain so much once you forgive all for what they have done to you. God Bless you and help you to move forward in your life! YOU CAN DO IT. |
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 Ditch the Stirrups
Posts: 5369
Location: Sorrow Not! Defending against workplace bullies | I am so sorry you are having to deal with this Elisa. I have always admired you in your posts - you are so beautiful and have such a great talent with horses. I remember when you took the job on the ranch and I was so jealous and thought - " I wish I could do that!":)
You should not feel bad about what you did - it was an honest reaction and built up over time to some very disrespectful behavior. Sure looking back it may have been better in some ways to have dealt with it in a calmer fashion but you DO need to get out of that house and what's done is done.
I think my late 20's and early 30's were about the hardest time I ever had. Breaking away from family, trying to earn money, and figuring out emotions is very difficult.
Really even though I am sure you have heard it a hundred times - the best thing in my opinion is to find healthy ways to deal with stress - stay away from drinking and "exploding" - do physical activities and eat healthy. Also, and this takes a long time - if you can figure out the root cause of your anger and unhappiness and then gradually forgive those whom you are angry at - it will help you.
For now please treat yourself well and know that people (like me!) care about you. You will get through this. |
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 Wide Darn Open
Posts: 2141
| I'm going through it now too so I understand the feeling of worthlessness and loneliness and heaviness and darkness depression brings...but one thing about your post really grabbed me...when you said to didn't believe in God. Depression is too big to conquer alone. I feel like without my faith I'd have no hope at all. Even though I struggle with Satan telling me I'm no good and there's no reason for me to even be here, I keep going back to what Gods word says about me. It's the only real truth and hope we have. Please pray and just lay it all out there to
God. He knows anyway and if we'll turn to Him He'll be our help in time of need. I intend to do it over and over until I get
better. Call churches until you find one that offers counseling for free...I did that last year and am considering going back now...it was more help than I would have imagined. I'm praying for you friend!!  |
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 Expert
Posts: 2270
Location: Shhh.. I'm hiding. | Thank you all. I did pray last night, at least to my best ability. I don't know if there is a right or wrong way to do it. But I felt a strange cooling/relaxing sensation in my neck, and I passed out like a baby. I am back here at the house. I really have no where to go, and no money for a hotel. Last night my mom had told me her and I would stay in a hotel tonight. This morning she took it back. Said I should just leave before I get myself in trouble. He said that he had spoken to an officer and that if I'm not out, he will have me removed. So I called an officer just a moment ago, told them my problem. They will be here on my behalf the moment my mom and her husband get off their plane, and we'll be waiting for them to come home. I also bought a cheap voice recorder that I can keep in my pocket in case the police to not show up. I am scheduled to work till the 15th, and my plan was to live here until then. If things get real bad I could hopefully get my shifts covered, or I guess I'll have to quit on the spot and leave my work hanging. Its hard, I have two dogs to think about too. One who is incontinent, so no buddy has jumped the gun about letting me and the dogs couch crash. |
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 Uh....never mind
Posts: 2696
Location: Midwest Farmer's Daughter: Central Illinois | It sounds like the situation has escalated. I'm sorry you're going through this & I agree that you have gotten some good advice.
The serenity prayer is the best thing that I learned. Ever. |
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 Ms. Elvis
Posts: 9606
Location: Running barrels or watching nascar | Don't mean to steal the thread but I'm kind of going through the same thing. I just turned 30. I think it was at the beginning of the 2000's that I started to get angry off n on and unfortunately it has escalated. In 2010 I was wrongfully terminated from a job I thought could be a career if the horse thing didn't work out. I went on to another job but only held for a year and a half because of schedule conflicts. I needed a break so i took an online class and rode last year. I got really down on myself when I wasn't successful and had a few outbursts, which I am not proud of. I try to control outbursts but just can't help thinking that I'm not as good as everyone else I hav to run against. I now am looking for another job and it's tough. Hard no to be down on myself right now. Really need something to turn around. It's kind of driving me up the wall. |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| It sounds like many unresolved issues.
Can you speak to a psychologist, a priest?
Are you on medication for the depression?
Have you spoken to you doctor about your feelings?
And is there a women's shelter you can go to? |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Elisa2007 - 2014-01-05 9:16 PM Thank you all. I did pray last night, at least to my best ability. I don't know if there is a right or wrong way to do it. But I felt a strange cooling/relaxing sensation in my neck, and I passed out like a baby. I am back here at the house. I really have no where to go, and no money for a hotel. Last night my mom had told me her and I would stay in a hotel tonight. This morning she took it back. Said I should just leave before I get myself in trouble. He said that he had spoken to an officer and that if I'm not out, he will have me removed. So I called an officer just a moment ago, told them my problem. They will be here on my behalf the moment my mom and her husband get off their plane, and we'll be waiting for them to come home. I also bought a cheap voice recorder that I can keep in my pocket in case the police to not show up. I am scheduled to work till the 15th, and my plan was to live here until then. If things get real bad I could hopefully get my shifts covered, or I guess I'll have to quit on the spot and leave my work hanging. Its hard, I have two dogs to think about too. One who is incontinent, so no buddy has jumped the gun about letting me and the dogs couch crash.
I think you needs some hugs..  Is there a way to get a motel room for a few days to stay away from them untill you get things thought out? |
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Expert
Posts: 2270
Location: Shhh.. I'm hiding. | it's really hard to accept that I have a problem. The officer showed up before they got home and gave me the 411, that they could not kick me out. So the cop left and told me to call them back if I needed anything. Parents came home, and threatened to call the cops, told them I already did and here is his card go ahead see what they have to say. Cops showed up again, I overheard them (my own mother and her husband) telling the cops I'm crazy and dangerous. They are scared to be alone with me, blah blah blah. That really hurt to hear my mom say those things and do her ****dest to get me thrown in jail. After all that mom and I finally got to talk. We talked, we cried, we screamed. It was so hard to not antagonise or fight. She kept calling me crazy and saying things that made my temperature boil. But I kept it together. She also had a lot of valid things to say. I'm certainly not innocent and I know it. I don't know how to express myself before it's too late, like it was in this situation. I'm calling around tomorrow to find a counselor, and my mom will go with me, and eventually her husband will go too. God knows we all could use some help. I'm really confused about how I feel, how I should feel, what's right, what's wrong. Up and down, up and down, round and round, here we go.. |
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Expert
Posts: 2270
Location: Shhh.. I'm hiding. | I keep going over what my mom said to me. She kept antagonizing me. It was so hard not to boil over. I tried so hard. I kept telling her "stop right there. Don't say that, that doesn't help." Then I would lose it and argue back. I really hope a counselor can help us have much healthier conversations, on both ends. Thank you all so much for listening. It's so nice to be able to vent, and get help from you all. I've gone back and re-read everything several times. And it has truly helped me. You guys are wonderful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. |
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Expert
Posts: 1543
Location: MI | I'm praying for you, it sounds like you are in a really rough position. Learning to handle my anger was one of the the hardest things (and still is) I did, and I only did it with a lot of time and a lot of prayer and reading the Bible. There is no right or wrong way to pray, talking to God is all it is, and he listens even more I think when we are humble and stumbling over our words. :) Just take your time, remember to BREATH and relax. A lot of time I take 3-5 seconds to think and breath before I talk now when I'm upset. It upsets my husband when he is angry, but if I talk before I think, I say things I don't want to. Keep working at it girl, you can do it. |
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 Expert
Posts: 2135
Location: Somewhere else | Due to circumstances beyond my control I had to walk away from the one thing I loved most in the world. It has literally taken me 5 years to work thru it....still not completely there, but I'm starting back doing what I love most and just pray that certain people have enough sense to stay away from me & my family. It's still real easy for that switch to flip and go off on somebody, but I'm doing alot better. Good Luck & yes pray, pray , pray....... |
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Addicted to Baseball
Location: Where the stars at night are big and bright, TX | I know you said you are having issues with moving out but it sounds like you need to. You need to work on your own life and set the mom thing aside. She sounds like she's got her own issues going on and neither of you are dealing with your own lives. One thing at a time, your life first. Staying in that chaos, emotion and mixed messages is making your current situation and outlook worse. IMHO Don't try to fix her, don't try to fix each other. She's got motivations outside of you, you need to find yourself outside and separate of her.  |
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Member
Posts: 9
| I hope you keep in touch on how you're doing. :) Try and get your independence going. I think you will feel much better. |
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Expert
Posts: 2270
Location: Shhh.. I'm hiding. | So I am officially moved out, and I have an appointment with a therapist next week. Feeling some relief. I got to go see my horse tonight too. I now live 15 minutes from him, yay! My dad came all the way to Seattle from Portland to help me move. It wad so nice to see him, I love him so much. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 319
| That's great. Keep praying and keep working on you. You can't fix your mom or anyone really except yourself. I know this is a hard, hard time for you...but you're doing the right things. You have alot of people thinking and praying for you. |
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Member
Posts: 9
| Yey!!!! Great for you!! It's good to hear your father came through and helped you out. You are on a positive road to change. Keep that positivity going! I wish you nothing but the best. God Bless. |
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 The Vaccinator
Posts: 3810
Location: Slipping down the slope of old age. Boo hoo. | Wishing you the very best. So happy to read you have removed yourself from the home and have plans to work with a counselor. All sound like super positive moves for you. Keep yourself pointed forward with your plan -- work with you counselor. Know that you are not the only person who has had to work through issues with family. |
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Expert
Posts: 2270
Location: Shhh.. I'm hiding. | Thank you all for the kind words and support. It is appreciated more than you know. I felt so great when I got out of bed this morning. I can't wait to meet my therapist. I'm incredibly relieved to be away from all the negativity. I'm starting to realize I am the way I am because of the examples my mother has led. I thought about how she treats her husband's children, and thought wow is that what I look like when I'm mad. Sure is. I don't want to make others feel the way she makes my litttle sisters feel. I feel bad for them and hope they don't turn out like me.Sorry for errors, I'm posting from my phone. New house doesn't have internet. |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| Elisa2007 - 2014-01-07 3:40 PM
Thank you all for the kind words and support. It is appreciated more than you know. I felt so great when I got out of bed this morning. I can't wait to meet my therapist. I'm incredibly relieved to be away from all the negativity. I'm starting to realize I am the way I am because of the examples my mother has led. I thought about how she treats her husband's children, and thought wow is that what I look like when I'm mad. Sure is. I don't want to make others feel the way she makes my litttle sisters feel. I feel bad for them and hope they don't turn out like me.Sorry for errors, I'm posting from my phone. New house doesn't have internet.
From reading this post I want to say.
DO NOT think less of your self!
Think about the positives. I would suggest writing on paper all the good things people say about you and when you are feeling down read them.
Start exercising if you are not already, this will help in a positive way.
Good luck with your therapist
And remember you are a wonderful person |
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